DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, Hogwarts or any of the characters used. This story is in no way affiliated with the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling so don't compare it with her work.

A/N: I'm not sane - please understand that. Alexei Noire xXx :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 2: Such a Bitch!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{Hogwarts Grounds - Draco, Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy are sitting under the shade of a pine tree}

Pansy: *camp voice* So anyways, girls I wanted to know - am I hot, or am I hot?

Crabbe: *camp voice* Where did THAT come from, darl?

Malfoy: *camp voice* Shit, I can feel my balls!

[Everyone stares at Malfoy]

Goyle: Huh?

Pansy: Rrrrright (!) Well anywho, I wanted to tell y'all that my parents are letting me enlarge my boobs!

Crabbe: *horrified, but still sufficiently camp* You - WHAT?

Pansy: *giggly* Yeah, girl! They said I could go to the Beauty Boutique in Diagon Alley during Christmas and get my boobs enlarge with an Engorgement Charm.

Malfoy: *camp* I think I wanna get my penis enlarged...

Crabbe: *stiffly* Um...darling - what did we discuss about using the 'P' word in front of me?

Malfoy: *slightly less camp* Fine! Cock! Dick! Rod! Tool! Sword! Little Soldier - that good enough?

Goyle: What the fuck?

Crabbe: *aghast* I say, darling! What's got into you recently? One would almost think you were turning... you were turning...

Malfoy: Straight?

Crabbe: *screams loudly* Sacrilege Darling!!!

Pansy: *airy-fairy voice* Well I'd love to sit and chat gals, but I have some corns to massage! TOODLES! *air kisses each of the three Slytherins*

[Pansy leaves, and from inside the castle come Harry Potter followed by Lavender Brown and Seamus Finnigan]

Malfoy: Ohhh there he is, ladies! *wolf whistles* Damn! Is he going out with that Brown? Shit! I'm gonna have to deal with her somehow!

Crabbe: *disgusted* But Dwakey, we made a pact never to fall in love with guys!

Malfoy: *disgusted* You know, life isn't all make up and fast cars!

[Malfoy gets up and walks over to Harry, trying to make conversation]

Harry: Uh, what do you want Malfoy?

Malfoy: Oh hellooo darlings! *waves girlishly* Have you seen my new nail varnish? It's just DIVINE!

Lavender: *bemused* Um, Malfoy are you some kind kind of poof?

Harry: *rather turned on at Malfoy's gayness* Uhh, no babe, I think he just wanted to make conversation.

Seamus: *sexy Irish accent* Fucking fudge packer!

Malfoy: *camp* Don't be such a bitch, Finnigan - that Roger Davies told me what a marvellously powerful SUCK you possess...*smacks lipsticked lips menacingly*

Lavender: Rrright - we REALLY should get going, eh Harry? *grabs hold of Harry's ass, making him perk up slightly*

Harry: *shocked* I-What? Yeah, course!

[They walk over to the Lake and began to do Riverdancing]

Malfoy: *dreamily* SUCH a nice ass!

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I know it's too stupid for words but plz review!