DISCLAIMER: Joss owns all the characters, the Gilbreths CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks for the response first chapter.  As long as that many of you want to read, of course I'll update.  For the person who asked, I'm working on a picture… you can see Faith, Xander, Tara, and Willow in the actually Cheaper by the Dozen pic.  I'll see what I can do about the others.

And for the person who asked, here are the kids and their ages:

Buffy: oldest, mommy complex 20

Riley: football player 17

Cordelia: makeup obsessed 16

Wesley: book worm 13

Xander: goofball 11

Dawn: twin whiner 9

Faith: twin mastermind 9

Lindsey: negotiator 8

Willow: twin, genius 6

Tara: twin, quiet 6

Anya: sex obsessed 4

Andrew: 4

CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN: Chapter Two

            As soon as their car pulled up, I sauntered toward it.  Parker and Buffy got out of the car, and casually, I took another step toward them.

            "Hold up there, little girl," Parker said, holding his hands out in front of his body.  "That's close enough."  He smiled at me, a big toothy smile, like I didn't know he had the IQ of a ferret and the personality of an anti-social weasel.  Honestly, who did this guy think he was dealing with?  "There's no reason to touch the baby," Parker continued, stroking his mustang lovingly. 

            Buffy looked down at me and smiled a forced smile.  "Come on, Faith," she said, "don't touch Parker's car." 

            Dawnie looked over at me and grinned.  We'd show them car.

            Buffy recognized the look.  After all, she was a Giles, so she wasn't entirely stupid, unlike certain model/actor boyfriends I could think of.  "Dad," she said quickly, "tell them not to touch the car."  She shot him a pained look.  Always the martyr.  Forget the fact that she hadn't been home in weeks.  Forget the fact that she didn't know about the way the kids in the neighborhood teased Wesley, or about the way they'd split Willow and Tara up at school by putting them in different classrooms.  Forget that everyone loved her more than me, just because she was the oldest, even though I was the one who took care of everyone else.  Forget all of that, because poor Buffy, the oldest, had the whole Giles world on her shoulder, just because she had to babysit.

            She needed a reminder about what this family was all about, and looking at the other kids, I knew they were ready to give her one.

            My dad took off his glasses and cleaned them, not that they were dirty.  He looked hard, first at Dawnie and Xander, and then at me.  "Faith Giles," he said simply, in warning.  I was the only one in the entire family who ever got called by my first and last name.  Go figure.

            "We won't touch the car," I said.  "It'll stay five by five."  I smiled at Parker.  The car would be fine.  Parker, on the other hand…

            "Five by five?" he asked.  Buffy knew what I meant, but she didn't explain.  It was a family expression, from way back before Dawnie and me, when there'd just been five kids.  Mom and Dad would load them up in the truck, and if everyone was there and in one piece, things were five by five.  Even after Dawnie and I were born, things were still five by five, because seven by seven didn't sound quite right, and neither did twelve by twelve.

            "What my sister means to say," Lindsey said smoothly, his face mock serious, "is that if the car stays outside the perimeter of the yard, we will not apply any undo force or unnecessary sanctions." 

            Parker looked at Buffy and raised an eyebrow.  He definitely didn't speak fluent Lindsey.

            I gave Anya the signal, and she and Andrew rushed forward.  "Hi," Andrew said, sniffing.  "Do you remember me?  We can play star fleet commander and I can wear your pants."  He clung to Parker's knee, and Parker, smile still firmly in place, looked down at him, a pained expression in his eyes. 

            That boy didn't know the meaning of the word pain.  Yet.

While Andrew clamored all over Parker, Anya looked back at me and winked, and a second later, she spoke up loudly.  "Does Buffy give you the orgasm?" she asked Parker.  For a four year old, she had a great sense of timing.

            Buffy narrowed her eyes at Anya.

            "Anya!" Dad said, shocked.  "That's hardly appropriate."  Then he looked at Buffy out of the side of his eyes, clearly wondering if Buffy and Parker were sexing it up yet.

            "Well," I said, smirking at my sister before turning back to Parker, "does she?"

            "Faith Giles…" my dad said warningly.

            I crossed my arms over my chest and ignored him.  When Anya said it, she got Anya-ed, but I got Faith Giles-ed.  It figured.

            Buffy bent down to my level, with this really tense, sincere look in her eyes.  "Faith," she said, "I know this move has been hard for you, and I'm here for you," she looked around at the others.  "All of you, but Parker's a part of my life now, and I need for you all to treat him with kindness and respect."

            Parker put his hand on her shoulder and whispered something in her ear.

            Buffy nodded.  "That means no setting Parker on fire," Buffy said firmly, narrowing her eyes at me.

            I scuffed my foot into the ground.  "It was just his pants," I said, smiling innocently at them both.  You should have seen that wuss last time he came to visit when Lindsey, Dawnie, and I set his pants on fire.  It was classic, one of my top ten best feats ever, I think, and thanks to Lindsey's smooth talking and the fact that Mom and Dad didn't like Parker any better than us kids did, we'd only been grounded for a week.  It had so been worth it.

            Riley pulled his car up behind Parker's, and some interesting ideas involving two cars, something sharp and pointy, and a dim-witted model/actor ran through my head.  The possibilities were endless.  Cordy hopped out of Riley's car, her dark hair perfectly in place and a gigantic smile on her perfectly made up face.  Gag me.  Riley followed her, no expression on his face.  Riley only had two real facial expressions: happy and moody/concerned, and since we'd moved, we'd mostly been seeing the moody part.

            "I'm in love," Cordy said, oblivious to the fact that Parker was standing right there. 

            "Really?" Buffy asked, rolling her eyes.  "Who with this time?"

            "The most incredible bit of salty goodness, who just happens to live just down the street," Cordy said in a dreamy voice.

            Dad's brow wrinkled.  "Isn't he a bit old for you?" he asked, taking off his glasses and cleaning them again.

            As much as I hated to admit it, if Cordy was talking about who I thought she was talking about, she had much better taste than Buffy.  In fact, next to Spike, my awesome badass soccer coach and a man after my own heart, Angel was one of the nicest guys I'd met in this town, even if he had even fewer facial expressions than Riley.  Why couldn't Buffy date someone like him?

              As Cordy babbled on about Angel, I turned my attention back to the plan.  Parker watched me, all twitchy like.

            Right on cue, Andrew blew his nose on Parker's pant leg, and I bit back a grin.

            Parker looked down, disgusted.

            "Parker doesn't give Buffy the orgasm," Anya informed Riley, her little pig tails bouncing.  "I think he's too small."  I couldn't have said it better myself.  That kid was a prodigy.

             Parker sputtered.

            I smiled at Dawnie and Xander.  "Let the games begin," I whispered.

            Parker didn't hear me.  He was so in over his head.

TBC… at this point, Angel and Spike are both possible love interests for Buffy, and they'll both have major roles in the story.  Coming up, Parker gets what he deserves, Faith at soccer practice with badass coach Spike, and more of all the kiddos.

Let me know who you want to see more of, what's working for you, and what's not.

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