DISCLAIMER: Joss owns, Gilbreths own, Movie people own… in short, I don't own anyone that appears in this fic.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: For those of you continuing to ask whether this will be Spuffy or B/A, let me reiterate, I do NOT know. I'm not holding out on you. I don't preplan the things I write… I just write them and see how they turn out. Regardless, the ship, whichever form it takes, will never be at the center of this fic. It will remain in Faith's POV, and that means that, unless Faith is spying (and yeah, that'll happen), there won't be much one on one time shown for either ship.
You'll get the first glance at any possibly Buffy/Spike vibes in this chapter and possibly the next one. We'll see how they get along and if my muse is singing, and I'll be taking it from there. Regardless, the focus will be on the kids, and their relationships, including their relationship to Buffy and to the prospective boyfriends.
CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN: Chapter Five
My alarm went off, but I snuggled back down under my covers anyway. One bed over, Dawnie did the same thing.
"Mmmmvenshmp," she mumbled.
"Yeah," I said, yawning and pulling my pillow to my side.
"Condoms," a little voice piped up right next to my ear.
"Spaceships," another voice said.
"Spaceship condoms," the two little voices said together.
I groaned and opened one eye. Anya and Andrew were standing there, staring at me.
"Buffy's downstairs talking to Mommy because she doesn't want you two to go to your soccer game today, and Lindsey tricked Wes into signing a form that legally changed his name to Girly-Man, and Cordy's been in the bathroom all morning and I have to go." Andrew said, all in one breath.
"Riley has condoms," Anya piped up. "We saw them upstairs. That means he's giving someone the orgasm, only Mommy and Daddy didn't know about it, until Andrew told them about the spaceship condoms, and now Daddy and Riley are having a talk." Anya put a tough expression on her little face. "Man to man," she grunted seriously.
I sat up in bed and my mind ran quickly through the facts. Cordy was hogging the bathroom, Riley was being a teenage guy with condoms, Anya and Andrew were somehow convinced that condoms and spaceships were somehow tied together, Wesley had been Lindsey-ed, and…
I opened my eyes a little bit wider. "Did you say B was downstairs talking to Mom?" I asked.
Two little blond-ish heads nodded seriously. I launched a pillow at Dawn. "Get up," I told her. She mumbled something under her breath. "Dawnie, if we don't get down there quickly, Buffy will put her oldest child angelic mojo on Mom, and we won't be going to soccer today, which means no game, no post-game pizza, more work, and no Spike."
As soon as Spike's name left my mouth, Dawn bolted out of bed. I turned to Anya and Andrew. "Andrew, go tell Mom Cordy is hogging the bathroom, and if you can, distract her until Dawnie and I get down there." I paused for a moment as I threw my soccer jersey over my head. "Ani," I said, using my special nickname for Anya. "See if you can't get a hold of one of Riley's condoms."
You never knew when one of those things would come in handy.
With a wicked grin, my littlest sister pulled something out of her pocket and held it up for me to see. "It's almost as good as a quarter," she told me seriously. Andrew pulled a condom out of his pocket, pulled it over his fist and ran out of the room, sniffling and yelling at the top of his lungs.
"CONDOM MAN!!!"
Anya sighed a very adult sigh. "Boys," she said, shaking her head.
Half an hour later, I was sharing the passenger seat of Buffy's car with Dawnie, and Tara, Willow, Wesley, and Lindsey were crammed into the back.
"As soon as the game is over," Buffy said sternly, "you kids are making with the grounded."
Why did she have to call us kids? Did she think she was a grown up or something? She was still just Buffy, my oldest sister, my perfect sister. She wasn't Mom.
"I still maintain there might be some forms of recourse," Lindsey started, but Wesley cut him off with a clearing of his throat. Of all of us, Wes was the most like Dad, I think. He was more British than the rest of us, and he did a lot more throat clearing and glasses wearing.
"Do you have something in your throat, Girly-Man?" Lindsey asked politely. I stifled a giggle.
"Lindsey," Buffy warned half-heartedly from the driver's seat as she pulled into the parking lot in front of the field. Buffy liked to think she was above it all, but once upon a time, she'd teased Wes, argued with Dawnie and me and Cordy, and been tricked by Lindsey, just like everyone else.
"He changed his name to Girly-Man. Don't blame me. It was a legal name change," Lindsey said. "I have the forms to back it up."
Wes cleared his throat again, took his glasses off, and cleaned them on his t-shirt. "What if we legally change my name instead," I suggested. I liked teasing all my siblings just as much as the next person, but Wes always tried to take care of me, even though I didn't need it, so I wasn't about to let him choke on his own throat-clearing noises.
"What would you change it to?" Buffy asked dryly.
Buffy, I thought. It was even on the tip of my tongue to say it, but I didn't. "Bite Me," I said.
Buffy narrowed her eyes at me.
"I'd change my name to Bite Me," I clarified. "Bite Me Giles has a nice ring to it."
Without another word, I opened the car door and stepped out. Mom had sided with Dawnie and me, thanks to Lindsey's smooth talking, Buffy had somehow ended up having to take us all to the game, me to play, Dawn to 'play,' and the others just to watch. Mom had her hands full at home with Andrew and Anya, who hadn't stopped playing Condom Man all morning. Cordy was still in the bathroom, Dad and Riley were still having the talk, and Xander, in true Xander style, was still in bed.
"Oh," a pleasant speaking voice with a not-so-pleasant undertone said as someone got out of the car next to me. "You're here."
"And so are you," I returned, giving Darla O'Connor a measuring look. She played on my soccer team, with Dawnie and me, and she was a bitch. Faith Giles wasn't supposed to say that word, but I figured if the name change went through, Bite Me Giles might be able to get away with it.
"Hi Darla," Dawn said, giving her a smile. "Is Spike here yet?"
"Spike?" Buffy asked wryly.
"Our coach," Darla, Dawn, and I answered at once.
"Spike?" Buffy asked again, incredulously.
"Yes, luv?" a British voice said behind her.
Buffy turned around, still way into big sister mode, but when she looked at Spike, the I'm-the-oldest-and-the-best expression fell right off her face.
Wordlessly, Tara and Willow got out of the car, and they went to stand on either side of Buffy.
"This your lot?" Spike asked Buffy speculatively. "The Little Bit and my little enforcer and…" Spike looked at my brothers and sisters. "And the rest," he finished. Then he qualified his statement. "Except her," he said, gesturing to Darla. Darla narrowed her eyes at him.
"Don't call me a her, boy," she said.
Darla was just about the bossiest girl I knew. We'd see what Bite Me Giles had to say about that…
"Yup," Buffy said, a smile coming onto her face. "They're mine. I mean, not actually mine, because I'm not…" she trailed off.
"She's our sister," Dawn said, rolling her eyes. "You've met Tara, Willow, Lindsey, and Wes before, Spike. This is Buffy."
Spike looked at her, and his eyes lingered on her face in a way I wasn't so sure I liked.
"You haven't seen her because she's never come to a game before," I interjected. "Or a practice." I tilted my head at Buffy and gave her a half smile. "Or anything," I added pointedly.
Spike grinned at me. "Save it for the field, little luv," he said. He looked at Darla, Dawn, and me. "You three get everyone started warming up," he said. "And tell Drusilla I said to stop picking those flowers and actually pass with the rest of you lot this time."
Sometimes, I felt like everyone on our team except me had a name that began with the letter D.
As I headed off in the opposite direction, I let out a powerful yell. "Bloody hell, Spike!" I yelled as we took off running, just for the heck of it.
"Language," he yelled back, grinning. "Bloody hell, I love that kid," he muttered under his breath, but I still heard him, and so did Buffy. "Don't look so shocked, pet," I heard him say to Buffy.
Buffy looked like she couldn't decide whether to yell at him for teaching me curse words or laugh.
Silently, Tara held her arms up to Spike, and wordlessly, he swooped her up and put her on his shoulders.
I grabbed a soccer ball and started kicking it back and forth with Dawnie, watching Buffy and Spike out of the corner of my eye. He inched towards her, Tara still on his shoulders, and whispered something into her ear. She glared at him.
Why was my sister so bloody stupid? I'd practically handed her the best guy in the universe, and she'd decided to hate him, even though anyone with half a brain could tell she really didn't. Purposefully, I kicked the ball towards them, and it hit Buffy square in the side of the head.
Spike narrowed his eyes at me.
I looked back at him innocently, and he tried not to laugh.
"Sorry, B," I said, running over to get the ball. "I guess sometimes I don't know my own strength."
"I think my offer is more than fair," I heard Lindsey say to Wes.
"What offer?" I asked.
"I'm offering him the chance to legally change his name to Bloody Hell," Lindsey said. "It's a step up from Girly-man."
"Bloody hell?" Wesley asked, his voice low.
"Gory Hades," Willow said with a grin, putting 'bloody hell' into Willow-ese.
"Bloody hell," Tara whispered from on top of Spike's shoulders.
Buffy kept right on glaring at Spike. "This is all your fault," she said.
Spike just grinned at her, and I could see that it was driving Buffy nuts. "Most things are," he replied.
Bloody hell. I loved that guy.
TBC… more Buffy/Spike interaction, Faith, Darla, Dru, and Dawn playing soccer…
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