DISCLAIMER: Joss owns, 20th Century Fox owns, and the Gilbreths own. I do not.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks for all of the encouragement. I'm glad some of you went to see the movie and thought of the fic. The chances of Spuffy are looking decent at this point, but I'm not making any promises until I know for sure it's what the characters want, which means I'll find out about the same time you all will.
Also, I know everyone will miss Anya and Andrew this chapter, but they'll be back soon, I promise.
CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN: Chapter Six
Next to me, Dawn sighed a very girly sigh. I swear, she was about four seconds away from getting all space cadet on me and going to pick flowers with Dru. I raised an eyebrow at her.
"Look at Spike," she said in a dreamy voice. "He's so Spike-y. With the Spike-y-ness…" She trailed off, a goofy smile on her face.
I saw the soccer ball a microsecond before it hit Dawn's head and moved as quickly as I could to catch it.
"Sorry," Darla drawled, coming over. Her blonde ponytail waggled as she walked. "It slipped."
Not as sorry as you're going to be, I thought. She should have known better. Messing with any of the Giles kids was a bad idea. Messing with me was a worse idea. Messing with one of my siblings while I was there was the worst idea ever.
Dawn narrowed her eyes at Darla. I could sense a whine coming on.
Darla cut her off. "Darling girl," she said, and I just about gagged. Who talked like that?
"I'll show you darling girl," I told her, and I was about to make good on my threat when all three of us were momentarily distracted.
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"
Darla, Dawn, and I all turned to face Wesley. My older brother looked a little bit flustered. Lindsey was standing in front of him, poker face in place. I bit down on my lips to keep from smiling.
"My name is not Bloody Hell," Wes said through gritted teeth.
"Very well," Lindsey replied. "Girly-Man it is. I thought perhaps we could reach a mutually beneficent compromise, but clearly that isn't going to happen. Consider the offer rescinded." Lindsey paused just long enough for Wes to come to the verge of exploding again. "Girly-Man," he added, a wicked grin spreading across his face.
Dawn clicked her tongue. "Girly-Man should have taken the deal," she said. "But it could be worse. I mean, at least his name isn't Spaceship Condoms Giles."
Darla rolled her eyes. "You guys are so weird," she said.
I took a step toward her, and she took one toward me.
"How about we break up this love fest, eh luvs?" I looked up at Spike. Tara was still sitting on his shoulders. When Darla looked up at her, Tara blushed, and she looked quickly away.
Darla smiled a deathly smile at Spike. "Whatever you say," she said, shrugging delicately. You would have thought she was the queen of England or something. I narrowed my eyes at her and wondered what she'd look like if we gave her the Parker treatment.
"Darla, take another few warm up kicks. Dawn…" Spike trailed off. Dawnie wasn't exactly known for her athletic prowess. "You do the same," Spike finished finally. "And will someone please tell Drusilla to stop spinning around in circles and get her mind on soccer."
"What about me?" I asked, giving him a measuring look. Coach Spike wasn't an idiot, and he knew exactly how much I wanted to duct tape Darla to the goal post.
"Well, Fire Bit," Spike said, and I tried not to grin as he called me by a nickname, "you and I are going to have a little talk."
As Darla and Dawn scrambled off to finish warm-ups, I batted my eyelashes at him. "Whatever about?" I asked innocently.
He tried to narrow his eyes at me, but ended up laughing. "I can see inside that little calculating mind of yours," he said, trying not to smile as much as he was. "I don't want to see my star player suspended for use of unnecessary force." He paused. "Again."
"Faith," Buffy, eavesdropping, dragged out my name. She was almost as good at whining as Dawnie was, only now, she was trying to sound like Mom or Dad. I was lucky she hadn't said Faith Giles. "You are under no circumstances to hit that girl. Or slide-tackle her, or tape her to anything, or, or, or…"
"Do anything unseemly, aggressive, or otherwise prohibited?" Willow suggested.
"Make her change her name?" Wes grumbled.
"I gave you every opportunity…" Lindsey started to say.
Tara said nothing. She sat on Spike's shoulders and touched a gentle hand to the side of his face, and then she smiled sweetly at me. Tara was on my side.
"Play hard, but play fair, bit," Spike said, completely ignoring everyone else. He glanced at Buffy and then looked down at me and winked. "Wouldn't want big sister to get her panties in a twist, now would we?"
Buffy made a huffing sound, and I looked Spike straight in the eye. "I'm sure you'd like untwisting them," I told him, just loudly enough for Buffy to hear.
Spike burst out laughing, and Buffy glared at me.
"I believe that was an innuendo," Willow said, "though I might have to ask Anya to be sure."
"Anya?" Spike asked.
"My littlest sister," I said.
Spike nodded. "The one who asked me about whip cream?" Spike asked, his eyes on Buffy.
I smiled wickedly at Buffy. "I think so," I said innocently. "Unless, of course, that was Buffy…"
Spike kept a straight face and arched one eyebrow at Buffy. She sputtered at me. "Faith Giles," she said, pointing her index finger at me.
Oooooo, I thought. She's pointing at me. Oh no! Not the pointy finger of doom. I'm soooooo scared.
"Bite Me," I told her. I thought Buffy was going to explode. "It's my new name, remember? Not Faith. Bite Me."
Without saying another word, I stalked off, leaving the rest of them behind me.
"The pretty lady isn't happy," Dru told me as soon as I ran over to the rest of the group.
"What pretty lady?" I asked, trying not to roll my eyes.
"Young and old," Dru replied solemnly.
What the hell was she talking about? That kid was so weird.
"Buffy," Dawnie supplied. She spoke fluent Drusilla. "She's talking about Buffy."
I looked at the ringlet of flowers in Dru's hair, and Dru stared back at me, her dark hair pigtails standing perfectly still.
I shrugged. "All I know," I said, "is that Wes had better not change his name to stick."
"Why?" Dawnie and Dru asked at the same time.
"Because then he'd have to spend all of his time up Buffy's ass," I replied. Dru and Dawnie giggled, just because I'd said ass.
I didn't say anything else until the game started. Mostly because I was thinking. Spike got me, more than anyone else, he got me. He didn't Faith Giles me, or act like I was worse than everyone else, and Tara even liked him enough to sit on his shoulders. If Buffy wasn't going to admit that she liked him, too, maybe I'd have to help her out a little. B always did learn the hard way.
I bit down on my bottom lip and forced myself to pay attention to the game. I drove the ball toward the goal, looking around for someone to pass it to. Dru, as usual, was wandering aimlessly around the field, singing some song about rainbow colored fairies dust landing on periwinkle snow plows or something like that, and Dawn was totally staring at Spike and not paying any attention to the game at all.
"Over here, Giles," Darla called, her voice commanding.
I looked around for someone else to pass it to. Anyone else to pass it to.
"Pass it here," Darla hissed.
I shrugged, and as hard as I could, I sent the ball flying straight toward her face. It knocked her over, and I smiled.
"Sodding hell, Faith!" Spike bellowed. Without even looking, I knew that Buffy was glaring at him, and that Lindsey was probably negotiating another name change with Girly-Man.
"MOMMY, IS SODDING HELL LIKE CONDOMS?" I heard a little voice ask very, very loudly.
Darla stumbled to her feet. Quickly, I recovered the ball and drove it toward the goal.
"Go Faithster!" I heard Xander yell.
"Sodding alien condom hell!" Andrew chimed in. "And stuff."
As I drove the ball into the goal, I heard Anya ask one more question. "Why is Buffy making that face at Mr. Spike, Mommy? Is that an orgasm face?"
I had trained her well.
TBC… up next, more kiddo shenanigans with Spike, and then some Buffy/Faith alone time.
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