DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, Hogwarts or any of the characters used. This story is in no way affiliated with the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling so don't compare it with her work.

*gasps* Only ONE review!?! Rayeanna, your review was as insane as this story. Now go and read the end of Black Magick like a good fan!

Alexei Noire xXx :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 7: She's MY Baby!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{In the Gryffindor Quidditch Changing Rooms}

Harry: *whilst changing out of Quidditch Robes after practise* Hey you know what Ron? I think there IS someone that I love, but I'm really sorry to tell you this.

Ron: *also changing* Who? It's not a boy is it? Cuz you know, I'm over that whole you being gay thing - okay I must admit you're a freak for wanting to wilfully sodomize another MAN, but I guess if I ignore it enough it won't bother me.

Harry: *sighs and grabs Ron by the hips, pulling him towards him* Ron...

Ron: *thunderstruck* Oh shit - you love ME don't you! HELP! RAPE! RAPE!

Harry: *slaps Ron* Shut up, bitch. No I don't love YOU, I love...

Ron: Ginny? Hagrid? Ian McKellen?

Harry: *whispering* I love Hermione.

Ron: *wide-eyed and frozen* Fuck... That's pretty fucked. *sighs quickly* Ah well - comme ci comme ça, eh?

Harry: Aren't you outraged? You should be beating me up!

[Seamus and Lavender walk in]

Lavender: *kisses Harry on the lips* Hey babe.

Seamus: *kisses Harry on the lips* Hey babe.

Harry: *angrily* I'm not going out with either of you! YOU'RE FIRED!

Seamus: *looking like he couldn't care less* What-ever dude!

Lavender: *shocked* You fancy Malfoy don't you! Seamus told me you two fucked in the toilet the other day!

Harry: No I don't fancy him - I think I fancy my best friend.

Seamus: *laughs* You fancy Ron? I thought this was coming, I mean me and Lavender are going out now!

Ron: You - what?

Harry: I love Hermione, not Ron!

Lavender: *caresses Harry's chest* Oooh you're all sweaty...that's so hot.

Harry: *smooches Lavender* Fuck me!

Lavender: Okay then! Come on Seamus - to the showers!

_____________________________________________________________________

{In the Gryffindor Common Room}

Hermione: Harry - you can't love me, you're gay. Gay as Christmas!

Harry: I hate being gay; you're not allowed to fuck women.

Ron: Look who came crawling back from the Nancy Tribe!

Hermione: Shut up Ron, or I won't give you a blowjob later. Harry, maybe you ARE straight, but you know life isn't all about love - it's about power, work, pain and MONEY!

Ron: I think money comes under 'power', Hermy.

Hermione: So it does! *surprised* Why Ron, that's the cleverest thing you've said today! Bravo! *applauds*

Harry: Can I talk in crude French, Hermione?

Hermione: Oui, bien sur!

Harry: *doucement* Hermione, je pense que nous devons aller et devons avoir le sexe pour que je se peux remettre de mon envie sexuelle.

Hermione: *avec colère* Bien sûr pas vous l'âne! Aller et masturber!

Harry: *soupir* Met à l'amende alors, mais je vais parler dans anglais maintenant.

Hermione: Thank God!

Harry: I know, that was quite unusual!

Ron: Mais JE veux parler en français maintenant!

_____________________________________________________________________

{After lunch in the Library}

Harry: Hermione, did Ron tell you why he wanted to meet us here?

Hermione: Nope, just said he had to tell me summat important.

Harry: Hermione?

Hermione: Yes Harry?

Harry: I love you -

Hermione: Don't even go there *sticks out hand* Talk to the hand, not to the face, cuz the face ain't listening hun!

[Malfoy comes into Library, accompanied by Ron and Professor Sally]

Ron: Hey guys!

Hermione: Ron, what's with the bulge?

Harry: Yeah, you weren't this fat before.

Malfoy: *grinning* It's not fat!

Professor Sally: *claps hands together* He's pregnant!

Hermione: Oh dear Lord.

Harry: Fucking hell.

Malfoy: *camp* Well aren't you going to congratulate your friend?

Hermione: Whose is it?

Harry: *tentatively* It's not mine is it?

Ron: No, It's Parvati's!

[Harry and Hermione pause, staring at Ron and thinking that they must have misheard him]

Hermione: But Ron - Parvati is a GIRL.

Harry: Hey, yeah and Ron, you're a boy! How can you carry a baby?

Professor Sally: Now don't be so hard on ickle Ronny, she may get a bit antsy during her pregnancy! *smacks Hermione's bum*

Malfoy: *camp* It was almost MY baby!

Hermione and Harry: Wait a minute! *they put their hands under Ron's shirt and pull out a bundle of blankets*

Harry: You're not pregnant at all!

Hermione: I can't believe this!

Professor Sally: Well it was rather funny! LOL!

Harry: Did you just say LOL?

Professor Sally: *nervously* I...erm...*pushes Harry into bookshelf* leamme alone! *runs out of Library*

Malfoy: *flirtatiously* Hey Harry, wanna make love to me?

Harry: *takes hold of Hermione's hand* No, I love Hermione.

Malfoy: *gasps* How could you love someone who doesn't exfoliate on a regular basis to cover up her Mudblood bad skin!

Harry: You asshole! I'm gonna teach you a lesson! *grabs Draco by the legs and rapes him on a table*

[Madam Pince walks over]

Madam Pince: What's going on here? *sees naked Harry and Draco* AAAARGH! How can you have gay sex on my books! Get off them, GET OFF THEM DAMMIT!

Ron: Hey 'Mione, fancy some fun in the Prefects' Bathroom?

Hermione: *lights up cigar* Come on then, bitch - I really WILL get you pregnant!

[Exeunt]

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In the immortal words of Beck (not the singer!): "Go on make my day, FLAME ME!"

Alexei Noire xXx :D