DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. Joss owns all.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I just sent out the first addition of my newsletter, complete with ideas for future CHEAPER-based fics, some ficlets starring kiddos from my other fics, challenges, book recs, and more. If you're interested in receiving the back copy, just email me at joeygirl2006@yahoo.com
Also, I thought I might point you all towards some of my other stories.
If you like little Dru, try THERE BE DRAGONS.
If you like little Tara, check out Val in SMALL PACKAGES.
If you're a fan of little Anya, try my MOMMY'S LITTLE CAPITALIST stories.
And for more quality Faith, try THROWBACK.
Lastly, to the person who requested that Buffy be a bit less bitchy… remember, this is from Faith's point of view, and I'm trying to mirror what Faith must have thought during the show, how Buffy might have seemed to her, so of course Buffy is going to seem not as likeable as some of the other characters… for now, at least.
CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN: Chapter Seven
By the break at half time, Mom had finally gotten Anya and Andrew quiet (like that was actually going to last), Lindsey had given up tormenting Wes in favor of trying to convince Xander to join him in what he had been referring to for weeks as "Project X," and I had been on my best behavior. Almost.
"Faith." Spike was not happy. He gave me what passed for his best imitation of a stern look.
"Yes?" I said. He looked at me and crossed his arms over his chest. I stared back at him. A few feet away, Willow and Tara were doing their best to keep Buffy distracted. Willow was rattling on about something "prodigious" (her newest favorite word), and Tara had simply deposited herself at Buffy's feet, her head resting against Buffy's leg.
"You tell her to stop knocking me down," Darla instructed Spike in her very bossiest voice, coming to stand right in front of him, her hands on her hips and her blonde ponytail swinging.
I scoffed in her general direction. It wasn't my fault that she couldn't keep her balance whenever I sent the ball barreling in the general direction of her forehead. Or whenever I happened to run into her. Or whenever I happened to herd her into a pole.
"You tell her, boy," Darla told Spike, so mad she was practically spitting.
Spike turned to look at her, and only I saw his eyes flash. "Darla," he said, his voice very controlled.
She raised her eyebrows at him. "Yes?"
"Take an extra lap to cool down."
I smirked and Darla glared at me. She huffed and took off running, her blonde ponytail bouncing as she ran. I seriously wanted to do something to that ponytail. Maybe I could see if Lindsey had any ideas.
"So, Firebit," Spike drawled, ducking down to my height. "You want to tell me what's going on in that little blood thirsty head of yours?"
I shrugged.
He waited. I looked down at the ground, but the sound of Spike clearing his throat had me looking up again.
"She messed with Dawn," I said finally. "Nobody messes with my family. Nobody."
Spike let out a low whistle. "Fair enough, Firebit," he said. "But it stops. Now."
I put my most innocent expression on my face.
"I mean it," he said. "I'll keep Darla away from Dawn, but if you don't let up on the little…" Spike trailed off, searching for a word he could say in my presence that would capture Darla's personality.
"Bitch?" I suggested.
"Faith Giles!" Buffy managed to get a few words in before Willow side tracked her again.
"Darla is very prodigious when it comes to female aggression in emotional terms," Willow piped up.
Spike snorted and almost lost it in that moment, but he did give me one more warning look and opened his mouth to speak.
"Just once more," I said. "Because she said things about my whole family. She's always saying things about us." And for that she must pay, I added silently.
"No more," Spike argued.
I batted my eyelashes at him.
"Once more," I said. "I'll make it a good one."
He didn't say anything, and I knew right then that, if I played my cards right, I could lay Darla out one more time before the game was over.
Like I'd told Spike, no one messed with my family. No one.
Almost on cue, Anya and Andrew let out battle cries.
"Take that, you sex fiend!" Anya yelled.
"You may try, earthling, but Condom Man will not be defeated by your paltry whip cream lasers!" Andrew called back in between sniffs.
Apparently, they were playing Condom Man again.
"Quite a sentence for such a little mate," Spike mused, casting a sideways glance at Buffy. "Wonder where such little bits picked up that kind of know-how."
In one move, Buffy picked Tara up and settled her on one hip and took Willow's hand in hers.
"Faith, can I speak with you for a minute?" Buffy said, shooting darts at Spike with her eyes.
"May you," Willow corrected.
Spike grinned at her, pointedly ignoring Buffy.
"I'm prodigious," Willow informed him. "So's Faith and so's Tara."
Tara said nothing, but as Buffy came closer, she reached her hands out to Spike, and Spike took her easily into his arms. "Hey there, little one," he said gently. "Got a story for me today, while big sis and bigger sis duke it out?"
Tara nodded solemnly, and she whispered something into his ear.
"Tara tells stories?" Buffy asked.
"She's quite the prodigious storyteller," Willow said, nodding.
"Get with the times, B," I told her. "Tara does a lot of stuff that you don't know about. We all do."
"You can't catch me, Condom Man," Anya chanted in the stands, sticking her tongue out at Andrew. "I'm superfast!"
"There is no speed like Condom speed," Andrew said, chasing after her. "It's faster than warp speed."
The other parents were starting to look at Mom weird, but she didn't say anything. Mom believed in freedom of expression. Dad, not so much so, but he wasn't there yet. My guess was that he was still having that man to man talk with Riley.
I snickered at the very thought of it.
Anya eluded Andrew's capture, and while the rousing game of Condom Man continued, Buffy sent Willow up to sit with mom in the stands, so that she and I could have "a little talk."
Buffy talks were always lectures, and Buffy lectures always ended up being about Buffy. It didn't used to be that way, but ever since we'd moved to the city, she'd stopped coming around all together. She had a job now. She had a life now, and we weren't part of that life, not really.
Not even when we needed her.
Not that I needed her, because I didn't. Faith Giles didn't need anybody. I took care of people. I didn't need anyone to take care of me. That's just the way it was.
"Faith," Buffy said, "I realize that you're angry with me because Mom and Dad grounded you kids for what you did to Parker, but there's no reason to be taking that anger out on some girl on your soccer team."
I rolled my eyes, because, of course, it had to have something to do with Buffy.
"I've had just about enough of your attitude, Faith Giles," Buffy told me. "What's gotten into you lately?"
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her about the kids at school, about the way Tara cried at night, about the way Cordy really didn't feel as pretty or as special anymore, about the way that Xander never laughed at school anymore. I just almost told her about everything that was going wrong and how I couldn't make everything right anymore, no matter how hard I tried. I almost told her, but I didn't.
"Bite Me."
I could practically see her wondering why she could never get through to me. Like I was the one who needed to be gotten through to. She didn't understand anything, and suddenly, I wanted to pummel Darla more than ever.
"GOT YOU! I GOT YOU ORGASM GIRL! I GOT YOU! XANDER, XANDER, DID YOU SEE? I GOT HER!" Andrew had Anya in his arms, and the two of them were playfully kicking at each other and yelling at the top of their lungs.
Buffy shook her head. "I think this family has gotten even more with the insane lately," she said.
Without missing a beat, Mom separated Anya and Andrew and whispered something in their ears. For a moment, both of them were quiet. Like that was gonna last.
With Mom distracted, Lindsey and Xander whispered, conspiring about what, I could only assume, was Xander's newfound knowledge about Project X.
Wes was sitting a little bit off to the side, and I made a mental note to make sure that, whatever it was, he got in on Project X, too, and that Lindsey renegotiated the name change.
"Listen, B," I said, knowing she'd never understand. "I have to go play the rest of this game." I so didn't feel like fighting with her. Not right now. She looked at me, and I shrugged. "I'll be good," I told her flippantly. "Scout's honor."
"You aren't a scout," Buffy said, as I walked away.
"Give the girl a cookie," I called back over my shoulder as I walked over to where Dru was singing to herself under her breath.
"A princess, a princess, the soccer ball knew a princess. A princess, a princess…" Her pigtails were lopsided, and a little bit of black hair drooped into her face.
"The pretty lady likes my warrior," she said, and then she burst into a round of fierce giggles. I followed her gaze and saw Buffy taking Tara back from Spike's arms. Her face softened into a smile, and Spike said something that made Buffy and Tara laugh.
Maybe Buffy did like Spike.
Maybe Spike did like Buffy.
Maybe, if they did like each other, she'd start hanging around some more.
Maybe if she had a good boyfriend, she'd be happier, and maybe if she was happier, she wouldn't hate me quite so much.
Maybe Spike could pry the stick out of her ass. I grinned wickedly.
"Well, I guess Spike told you," Darla said brashly, interrupting my thoughts. "You can't just shove me around, Faith Giles. I'm just as good at soccer as you are. My brother said so, and my darling boy doesn't like it when people pick on me!"
Spike and Buffy shot me nearly identical warning looks over Darla's head.
I ignored them, and as the second half of the game started, I whispered to myself under my breath. "Play ball."
TBC… the second half of the game, Anya and Andrew get themselves a rematch, more on Project X, Drusilla tries to braid Spike's hair, and much, much more…
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