Hiding Under the Ninth Earth
Book 02 : A Bit Of All Right
by I Got Tired of Waiting

Part III : Conflict
Chapter Thirty Four : Hope Interrupted

22 June 2003

Finished with their late morning repast, they left the Great Hall and headed back towards their quarters. Severus could see Harry getting more uneasy with each step; there was a finality to it that told him their time to 'talk' was drawing close, sooner than later he suspected, maybe even now. Which, in a way, he regretted--they'd had such a lovely night and morning--one he very much wanted to continue well into the afternoon and beyond. However, in another, he was relieved they might actually be able to talk about it and remove whatever it was from between them.

Harry stopped Severus at the stairs to the dungeons. "Let's go outside. It's such a beautiful morning. I feel like a walk around the lake."

Severus stared at him, sure he'd lost his mind. Harry never went on walks. He usually finished his food and went down to study, or (as he'd secretly hoped) they'd pick up where they'd left off. Feeding his corporeal self had done little to assuage his hunger.

However, he'd been steeling himself all throughout breakfast to wait until after Harry was done studying to satisfy his other appetites. Harry must have a great deal of work to catch-up on given the amount of time he'd been recently occupied in other non-academic pursuits. But something was different right now; the normal, almost manic urgency he usually felt from him was absent. It was as if he had not a thing to occupy him today. Most un-Harry-like and he was puzzled.

"Are you quite sure? What about all the studying you missed this week? That's not to say I'm adverse to a leisurely walk with you, but I don't want to be the reason you're behind in your studies, either." This was most confounding; if Harry truly had as much free time as he was intimating, a stroll around the lake was not exactly the recreational activity he'd had in mind. However, he had a feeling there was more to it than just exercise, something he was sure of with Harry's next words.

"Um, we need to talk about that," Harry muttered, suddenly nervous.

An old, familiar (but unwelcome) chill of alarm worked its way up Severus' spine. "Oh good gads, Harry. What have you done now?" he asked, certain they were about to have 'that talk' he'd seen coming this morning. Perhaps it would be beneficial to get it out in the open and behind them.

Harry regretted his hearty breakfast as it roiled uncomfortably in his gut, incompatible with the queasy panic settling next to the undigested eggs and bacon. "Not here, Sev," he said as calmly as he could manage. "Not in our quarters, either. Can we please go outside to neutral ground? I need some space to--move around," he pleaded desperately.

"Move around or run around?" Defenses up, Severus' heavy sarcasm, as always, effectively hid his despair. He'd originally thought a 'clearing of the air' might bring closure to them both; however, Harry's pale face and shaking voice spoke of a fear so profound, it supplanted Severus' initial relief with a grim premonition of vague disquiet.

"Both, maybe," Harry admitted ruefully.

Severus sighed, resigned to whatever unpleasantness Harry had in store for him. "Very well. A walk around the lake, it is."

They strolled down to the water in strained silence. Severus wondered what Harry had to tell him that required space. They started their trek near the shore with an undercurrent of unease. While the morning was still pleasant, the tension radiated from Harry like steam off a cauldron. And still he did not speak. Once they'd made a complete circuit, Severus stopped. "Harry, tell me now, or I walk back to the castle--alone."

Harry fiddled with the sleeves of his robe unable to meet Severus' stern gaze. Despite all the rehearsals he'd had in his head and in front of his disapproving mirror, the first words he'd planned to speak were clogged in his throat, almost a physical thing, making it hard to breathe. The silence stretched and he could feel Severus' ire. A quick glance confirmed his supposition; Severus was about to explode.

Severus grew impatient with Harry's fidgeting silence. He took off his outer robe, suddenly unbearably hot, and laid it out on the grass behind him. Sitting down on his impromptu blanket, he rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt to reveal pale, wiry forearms; he saw Harry staring at them, an indescribable sadness on his face, and Severus suddenly wanted to hide them.

Ignoring the discomfort Harry's gaze gave him, he leaned back on his hands, his legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles. When Harry still said nothing, his mouth opening and closing, Severus decided he would break the stalemate and said, his words clipped, "Speak, Harry. Tell me why you are unconcerned about your school work. That is what this is about, right?" he asked with asperity.

Harry also noticed how warm it was getting; he discarded and pocketed his robes, his stance one of arrested flight. "Um, I don't have any more school work."

Severus' eyes narrowed. He was appalled but withheld judgement. "You quit?"

Harry took a steadying breath; it had begun. "No, I finished."

Severus blinked. Somehow he'd been expecting more fanfare, but that didn't mean he wasn't pleased. An incredulous, wide smile split his face. "Harry, that's wonderful!"

"Two years ago." Harry turned and paced the short distance down to the water's edge, his back to Severus. He picked up a flat rock and skipped it along the surface of the lake.

Severus felt his hand slip on the ground behind him and caught himself, stunned as his world came crashing down. "Two years ago?" he muttered.

By long habit, his face resumed the austere, unreadable face he hid behind with most people. It was the best he could do under the circumstances. "Two whole years ago?"

There was a small part of him still under control, and he let that take over while the rest of him flowed with the white hot surge of swirling emotions he felt at Harry's words. The sharp hurt of betrayal banded around his chest and gut making it hard to breathe, impossible to think. "Two whole, fucking years ago?"

He couldn't bring himself to respond, knowing that anything he might say, right now, would be born of fresh anger and pain and would probably damage them and their relationship, such as it was, permanently. There was enough of him in control to want to hear the whole story before he let his baser instincts take over. The implications, "Two years," lanced through him. He wanted to scream, but whispered, "Years ago," feeling defeated.

When Harry came back from the water's edge Severus asked, his tone deadly quiet, "When?"

Harry gripped his courage. "When you published your paper. The same day Albus announced it in the staff room, to be precise."

"Oh, by all means, Potter. Be precise." The snide comment slipped out before he could control it. He admonished himself to remain calm, taking a deep breath, willing himself to be neutral. "And after? Pray tell, how have you been occupying your time these last two years?" The volume was as close to shouting as he would allow himself.

Harry winced. Jumping in with both feet, he said, "I have been working on my Mastery," with a small amount of pride.

"In what?" he asked evenly, finally gaining a measure of control, despite the growing anger.

"Clinical magic and long term applications." Harry thought a moment, debating whether to explain that it was a bit more complicated than that, but decided this wasn't the time or the place to discuss it.

Wondering what else Harry was holding back, he asked the first thing that came to mind. "Who is your advisor?"

"Professors Quiesta and Dumbledore were my advisors," Harry replied.

It startled Severus to realize that Albus had obviously approved of Harry keeping such a secret from him. He couldn't for the life of him see any reason Albus would have allowed it. Then Harry's words caught up with him. "Were?" he asked sternly.

"I finished it this last week."

"Impossible! It takes more than two years for a Mastery, even for you," he snapped. Uncertainty warred with incredulity; he couldn't believe Harry thought him so gullible to credit such a bold-face lie.

Harry stared at his feet. "Actually, it took four. I had a Time-Turner." He raised his head, filled with a mild defiance. "And before you ask, Albus gave it to me--reluctantly, I might add." He rolled the sleeves up on his shirt. The day was turning hot.

There were too many questions. Had Albus thought he would stand in the way of Harry's mastery? Is that why he'd condoned the subterfuge? He wanted to know what Albus' part had been in all this. "Why the hurry? Why was Albus reluctant?"

Harry thought about it a minute, trying to recapture the feelings he'd had at the time. He discovered Dumbledore had been right about the rehearsed words fleeing to Paris. "I was panicked. It felt urgent. Dumbledore made me wait because he wanted me to tell you before I started. He thought I was a coward to let you hang like that."

Severus studied Harry and his hesitation, his own ire cooling a bit. He could see Harry was struggling with the words. They were such precise things, and he couldn't help wondering how long Harry had been rehearsing them to get them right, to say what he wanted in the least hurtful manner. He had no doubt Harry would have at least given him that much consideration. The thought calmed him like nothing else had and he was almost ready to listen when he realised that Harry had not really answered him.

What little calm he'd managed to gain, fled. "Harry, just answer the damned questions. Why were you panicked? Why the urgency?" Severus knew something vital was still eluding him. He knew Dumbledore did nothing without a reason--good or otherwise.

"Because of you." Harry stated flatly, and then his mouth opened in shock; he could have smacked himself and would have taken the words back if he could. He couldn't believe he'd done the one thing he's swore he wouldn't do and he cursed his lack of courage for laying the blame on Severus. He hurried on. "No! No, that's not what I meant. I mean, you were one of the reasons, but--oh hell--I'm messing this up."

Severus' dead voice was silky. "Oh, I think you had it right the first time. Because of me, personally?" He was unable to keep the rising venom out of his voice. "Or was it because you knew you could not deceive me much beyond the expected period of your supposed undergraduate study?" The band tightened around his chest and, panting, he struggled for air.

"It was nothing like that. I felt--Oh damn, I don't know what I felt. It was four years ago for me, I don't remember clearly anymore. I just know I was really stupid," Harry faltered, knowing he'd failed to get his point across. He didn't know what he could say to make it better.

With stark sorrow in his heart and feeling the fool, Severus spat out, "Stupid does not even begin to describe it. Was it worth it, Harry? Was it worth breaking my trust? Our trust?" Severus stood in one fluid movement and, impelled by his anger and deep hurt, turned away to stalk swiftly up to the castle.

****

Albus let the curtain go, cutting off his view of the scene below, and felt a deep ache that started at his heart and made his bones tired. He'd expected many things, but Severus walking away with such hurt and grief was not one of them. He'd obviously underestimated his friend of many years once again and not truly realised the depth of trust he'd placed in Harry, although he still had lingering doubts Severus had given Harry all of it. He'd known Severus' love for Harry was profound, but not to this extent. Severus had looked like someone had just cut out his soul with a butterknife.

Soft hands touched his face and he smiled down at her, thinking she could always make him feel better just by her touch, even after all these years. She tugged on his beard by long habit to pull his face down and after placing a small kiss on his cheek said, "The only mistake you really made was assuming that no one else feels as deeply as you do. Don't worry so--it's not fatal." She pulled back the curtain and pointed at Harry poised to run. "He's too determined and sincere a young man to let Severus get away from him." She turned her eyes to Severus. "He's so stubborn, but oh, how he loves Harry." She kissed him again. "Think of our life--of how much we need each other." His eyes met hers and softened; she nodded. "And that's how they'll do it."

****

Harry was horrified. What had he done? "No, Severus! Don't leave." He ran after him and swiftly caught him up. He grabbed Severus' arm and hung on. Standing in front of him, unbidden memories of another morning, four years before when he'd tried to stop Severus from leaving, came to mind. Only now he was trying to get back the trust that he'd gained inch by inch that morning. He wasn't sure Severus would listen this time around, although he was certain he would not be as open as he'd been that morning in the bath. "Severus, wait!"

Severus obliged, turning dry, anguished eyes to him. "Why, Harry? Please tell me why." He struggled to stay unemotional, but despite his best resolve, he snarled, "Fill the hole you just dug, damnit!"

Beyond panic, Harry's words came tumbling out with little regard to coherency and order. "Sev, you have to understand what little was going through my head at the time. I'd got my degree with honours; I was so excited. Then you got published the same day. I was excited about that, too. I wanted you to shine. I didn't want the other's focus away from you, so I kept silent. I knew that if I said anything, they wouldn't look at you anymore. By the time I thought of it, it was too late to tell you. Each moment I tried kept slipping away." His breath came in gasps.

Severus was close to shouting. He purposely kept his voice low but intense. "I didn't want the accolades. I yelled at Albus for even bringing it up." He once again was filled with the feelings of the other night when he'd roamed the castle. He had to ask himself if the reason Dumbledore had helped Harry conceal his complicity was simply because he'd known his announcement had started it all? With a sinking feeling he realised he'd been right--that damned paper was more pivotal than he'd originally thought. Harry's next words confirmed it.

Harry hung his head and dropped Severus' arm. "Then I read your paper and realised my accomplishments were truly nothing compared to yours. I felt so--oh damn, I felt like a child. Like I wasn't good enough for you. And it wasn't you--it was me. In MY head. Your brilliance, gods, it blinded me. I decided I had to get my Mastery immediately, hoping it would make us equals. That's all I really wanted. Was to meet with you in middle, neither above or below." He immediately thought, 'No, that's not completely true. It's only part of it.' Harry took a deep breath. "Honesty--such a simple word--I promised myself I'd tell you the truth, all of it this time, no matter what. I'm sorry. It wasn't just pride, it was more than that."

Severus drew himself up. Harry's words cut through him like a knife. "Should I assume everything you've said to this point is prevarication?" At the shake of Harry's head, 'no', he forced himself to say calmly, "All right, Potter. Perhaps you'll grace me with your full, honest explanation."

Harry sighed. He realised he'd deserved that last remark. "I wanted you to admire me the same way I admired you. Unconditionally. I see now why you could not. I mean, all I'd done to that point was what everyone expected me to do. I went where I was told to go, did what I was supposed to do; I was more a golem than a person. See, I'd not really earned your pride in me." He hesitated--this was so hard, but he had to say it, had to open himself to the same hurt he was causing Severus if he was ever going to redeem himself. "And I wanted it so badly, Severus. I just wanted you to be as proud of me as I was of you."

Severus was stunned. "I have always been proud of you."

"Now who's fooling who?" Harry laughed mirthlessly. "If you were always proud, you had an extremely odd way of showing it sometimes."

Looking back on it, Severus knew he was right; it made his chest ache again.

Harry, seeing Severus' pause, wondered if he'd finally got some of his feelings across. He continued, in earnest, "I was thoughtless, Severus. I know this now. Dumbledore knew it then; he tried to talk me into telling you, but by then it was more than stubbornness or defiance. It was instinctive. I somehow knew I had to do it by myself without you. I can't explain it. No one understood, least of all myself, but the feeling was definitely there. I couldn't ride in anyone's shadow. On my own. And I think Dumbledore saw this. He kept track of me. And, of course, Madame Pomfrey did as well with the physicals I had to have every month to make sure the Time-Turner wasn't harming me."

Severus was still trying to take it all in, the magnitude of it. He said the first thought he could grab out of the chaos. "I'm surprised Quiesta let you get away with it. She's very meticulous; your haste would have been unseemly to her."

Harry sighed, but he felt an unnamed relief--finally something concrete he could answer. "She was mystified by my progress. I finally had to tell her about the Time-Turner. She thought I was nutters. Well, she had other reasons than that to think I was crazy." Thinking Severus might be upset that 'everyone' knew but him, Harry hastily reassured him, "But I swear, I never told her that you didn't know. Or anyone else for that matter--except Hermione and I didn't have much of a choice there." No, he hadn't, but a different type secret resided there. One he was professionally bound to keep.

The comment was timely as suddenly little things people had said over the last two years started making sense to Severus, especially the few brief conversations he'd had with Quiesta when they'd met professionally at some conference or other. The clues had been there, only he'd been too wrapped up in his own affairs and too trusting of Harry to have put the pieces together into their proper place. "And am I supposed to be grateful you have at least learned discretion?"

Harry snorted to himself as he reflected that Severus had no concept of just how much discretion he had learned over the last four years, but that was another matter all together. Resisting the urge to blurt it out, he ignored Severus' last well-aimed remark and said instead, "And I did it, Severus. I finished it. I have my Mastery. Then Dumbledore brought me back to earth and reminded me I still had yet to tell you."

Severus asked him sharply, "When did he do this?"

"Night before last, when we were preparing for the party. Gave me a right twisting, he did. Told me to stop feeling sorry for myself." Dumbledore's remembered words brought heat to his face.

"You lied to me," Severus said quietly, trying to hang on to his shredded dignity.

Harry protested, "Possibly. Depending on how you look at it. But not directly. I WAS still in school. Even the same one with the same advisor. I was just not studying the same curriculum."

Severus shook his head. "You're splitting hairs."

Harry countered, "Am I? Any more than you did for 20 years?" He bit his tongue on his next retort, knowing it would only make the situation worse, but the words came out anyway. "And what about what you did for Sirius? In the Veil?"

The true words stung. "How dare you reduce my actions to the level of yours. The circumstances are not even remotely the same." Wounded, Severus began to walk back up to the castle. "Not even close," he muttered, trying to convince himself.

He stopped in his tracks at the reply. "Yes, they are!" Harry shouted. "You want to know how dare I? How dare you? We both have done what we had to do. I've never questioned your motives for the things you've done, even though I've always known there were many things you never told me. Things you have no intention of ever telling me even though they affect me and my well-being as well. I can accept that. However, I cannot accept your disallowing that my motives may have been as important as your own."

Knowing Harry had a point, quite a large one, in fact, if he was being as honest with himself as he was expecting Harry to be, Severus turned around to face him. Knowing that more than a few yards of grass separated them right now, he was prepared to listen and raised a brow at Harry's silence.

Harry started walking towards him, the way he might approach a wounded animal, slowly, carefully, warily. Softly he began, his words getting clearer and more insistent with each small step he took, "Severus, I tell you honestly I was DRIVEN. There is no other word for it. Within myself, I had no choice. Why? I don't know; I admit I didn't look at it all that closely at the time. Oh, in the beginning it was to cover for my feelings of inadequacy, but by the end of the first year, it was different. I was different." He stopped a few feet away; his face softened, Severus could see his sincerity when he continued, "I'm not that stupid boy anymore, Severus. I'm Harry, a man who loves you. I'm sorry I hurt you. Just please--please don't walk away."

****

Dumbledore continued to watch the unfolding drama below him, now with barely concealed irritation. He briefly wondered if he was young enough to pick up their pieces yet again. Visions of a large animated egg on a wall surrounded by royal horses and soldiers assailed him. He felt her behind him, her hand light on his shoulder while she watched the same tableau, saying, "You still worry too much. They'll work it out."

He silently willed them to do so and leave him out of it. But it was a silly wish, since he'd put himself in the middle of it in the first place. He was tired of their fighting and he was tired of the same lonely waltz to which these two danced; each afraid to totally trust the other even though they knew they needed each other.

"I hope you're right," he said tenderly, leaning down to give her a light kiss. "I sometimes despair at them. One would think they would tire of their differences by now."

"I think their reconciliation will be sooner than you think and when it comes, it will be swift and sure, with no hesitation. They just have this last little bit to jump over then they'll be just fine."

He took one last look and stepped away from the window wondering briefly where he'd put the sledgehammer.

****

Gods help him, he couldn't walk away, not yet, not knowing where they stood now. And he still didn't know whether this was worth the price Harry was making him pay for it. Severus closed the distance between them. They met in the middle, arms closing tight around each other. Harry had said he was different and acknowledging it might be true, Severus wondered if he would recognise 'this' Harry. Severus took the only comfort he could find in the warmth of the familiar body under his hands as he asked himself if he could love this Harry. And would he ever be able to survive if the answer was 'no'?

"I seem to recall a young man telling me off one morning four years ago about not trusting him enough to look beyond the outside to see the inside. Do you remember him, Harry? Is he still in there?"

"Yes, I remember him, Severus. And yes, he's very much a part of me. Maybe more so now. Do you remember the man telling me to make sure I made my own choices, for my own reasons, so I could grow up with no regrets? So I could walk my own paths freely? Does he still believe that?" he asked quietly.

Severus nodded and said almost to himself, "I sometimes wonder if he does. He spent so much of his life manipulating situations to fit what he needed, I'm not sure he ever knew how to stop." He pulled back to see Harry's face, arms still wrapped around him below. "Was that the problem, Harry? Did you feel I was forcing you to go somewhere you didn't want to go? To do something you didn't want to do?"

Harry was thoughtful, looking back honestly and shook his head saying, "No, I never felt pressured from you in my choices--you opened avenues I'd never thought existed, but I never felt manipulated into any one of them. My performance of those choices is where you exerted your efforts. Sometimes quite forcefully, I might add," he chuckled thinking on their Occlumency lessons in particular.

"I admit, I was harsh at times. Especially when I knew you could do better," he murmured ruefully.

"I've grown up, Severus. I have a better idea what I want out of life. What direction I want to take. And there has NEVER been any doubt in my mind that we would be walking life's paths together. You're part of the reason I continued, the reason I held on and finished. Your face was in my mind, your sometimes harsh words were in my head exhorting me to go on, to not stop, even when I was filled with despair and not sure I could do it. Your faith in me was all that kept me going sometimes."

"Did it not occur to you the only driving force you should have ever relied on was yourself?"

"No, it never occurred to me then. I know it now, though. But, Severus, if I hadn't had you inside me, goading me, I never would have got to the point where I found out I needed to do it on my own."

Severus blinked and stepped back, his hands loose on Harry's waist. "It bothers me I have that much influence over you. Where's my Harry in all of this?" He sighed, frustrated, feeling he was close to the answer. What was it Albus was trying to tell him?

"Your Harry stands on his own two feet now, Sev. He chooses what he wants to do with his life. He no longer stands in the shadow of a prophecy, no longer has evil battles to fight unless he chooses to do so. He has opportunities now--decisions to make as to where he can do the most good."

He stepped closer. "But most importantly, this Harry wants to be with his lover, a man he loves and strives to emulate, because he embodies what he finds to be the finest traits a human can have." He put his hands on Severus' chest. "You know what it means to give all you can and then keep giving more, because it's what's needed to do the thing right, and don't question when I do the same; in fact, you've always expected it. You know my nightmares are the same as your own, and you think more of me for it. You are a compassionate man; although you hide your empathy behind a mask of your own making, you censure me not when I choose to be more open about it."

Harry whispered, "I can think of no finer man than you, Severus, save Albus, and despite our exasperation at times, we both admire and love him. Whether you like it or not, you and others moulded me into who I am today. I just took the bits and pieces you all gave me and forged them into the person standing before you. That's what these last years have been, Sev. The tempering of Harry."

Severus shivered; his previous premonition swept through him with its icy portent. He looked over Harry's shoulder out at the water unable to meet those piercing green eyes. He needed time to take it all in.

**** TBC ****