DISCLAIMER: Joss owns the canon. Twentieth Century Fox and the Gilbreths own Cheaper by the Dozen, on which this is loosely, loosely, almost not even based.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry for the lack of updates. Midterms and my professional writing life have gotten kind of crazy. Enjoy, and special thanks to the fine folks at the Spike Threw the Hearts awards for recognizing this fic in the WIP category!
CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN: Chapter Nine
"We're just going to eat," Buffy said firmly. "Nothing else," she added as she pulled out of the parking lot and headed left towards Pepe's House of Pizza, or as we Giles kids liked to call it, Pepe's House of Chaos with Cheese. Then again, in retrospect, Pepe's probably wasn't quite so chaotic when the twelve of us weren't there.
"Okay, B," I said dryly. "So we're just going to the restaurant to eat. I had no idea there was eating at restaurants." I rolled my eyes. Did she think she was making some sort of insightful announcement here?
"Going to eat," Willow echoed from the back seat. "Prodigiously." I turned around in time to see her wrinkling her nose and leaning over to whisper something to Tara. Finally, she sat back up. "We're not going to eat prodigiously," she said majestically. "I had a consultation with Tara, and that's not our special word anymore. Our new special word is veraciously, so everyone has to eat their pizza veraciously."
"Don't they do that in France?" Dawn asked curiously. I snorted, but since she was my twin, I did it really quietly. I didn't want to hurt Dawnie's feelings.
"I mean it," Buffy said sternly. "You kids are grounded, so we're going in, eating, and then your day of restriction and servitude begins."
"Servitude," I muttered, "big word."
Buffy frowned at me, and I shut my mouth. For now.
"Servitude with veracity," Willow piped up from the back seat. Tara stuck a finger in her mouth and said nothing.
"Which may," Lindsey said smoothly, "very well be a violation of our constitutional rights." Buffy arched an eyebrow at him, and Lindsey shrugged. "However," he said with an impish grin, "my energies are currently directed elsewhere, so we will not be pursuing any further negotiations regarding aforementioned grounding at this time; however, should other instances of such grounding occur, we may well be forced to take legal action."
"And stuff," Xander added.
I grinned. I loved those two.
"So what's diverting your energies?" I asked curiously.
Xander opened his mouth and then closed it and pointed very conspicuously at Buffy. "That's confidential," he said, "but it involves tooth paste, duct tape, and Principal Martin."
"What?!" Buffy shrieked from the front seat. She pulled into the parking lot and whirled around to face the boys.
Xander grinned up at her, his face a mask of innocence. "Never mind, Buffster," he said sweetly.
"Lindsey," Buffy said, arching her eyebrows at him.
Lindsey kept his expression blank. "I'm afraid I can neither confirm nor deny such a statement at this time," he said.
"Lindsey," Buffy said through gritted teeth, "you're eight, not a partner in a law firm."
"Or is he?" Xander asked, doing a horror show announcer voice and striking a pensive pose. "Duh-duh-dum!"
"Look," Dawn shrieked, pointing out the window. "There's Coach Spike. Faith, if we hurry, we might get to sit next to him." Without another word, my twin threw open the door to the car, jumped out, and made a beeline for Spike.
As soon as his name left Dawn's mouth, Buffy turned to glance at Spike, and for a moment, his eyes held hers and a strange look came over her face. Then she turned back to return to lecturing Xander and Lindsey, but my brothers, not being nearly as dumb as Buffy was, were already out of the car and on their way into the restaurant.
"I'm veraciously hungry," Willow said. She threaded her hand through Tara's. "Tara is, too." Tara nodded solemnly.
Buffy sighed. "Go on in," she said. "I want to talk to Faith for a second."
Oh joy.
I crossed my arms over my chest. She hadn't told me good game. She hadn't asked how the ankle I'd sprained two weeks ago was doing. She hadn't even asked why I was so mad at Darla. Buffy wasn't very good at asking. Ever since we'd moved, all she did was a whole lot of telling.
"Faith, I'm being nice by letting you come to lunch with some of your friends when you're supposed to be grounded," Buffy said, looking me straight in the eye. "I expect you to be on your best behavior. If you do anything to that poor girl…"
I snorted at the idea of anyone referring to Darla as 'that poor girl.' Darla would have been the first one to be snotty to Buffy for it. Of course, Buffy didn't know that, because, of course, the whole Darla fiasco had to be my fault, because everything was my fault.
"I mean it, Faith Giles," Buffy said. "If you're not on your best behavior, I'll jerk you right out of that restaurant."
"Fine," I muttered. Then I smiled slyly at her. "Why would I need to cause any trouble?" I asked her sweetly. She looked at me, relieved. "It's Pepe's House of Chaos with Cheese," I said. "I won't have to cause trouble. There's always trouble."
Without saying another word, I got out of the car and walked silently past her.
"Faith," Buffy called.
I hesitated for a moment and then turned around.
"Yeah?" I said.
"We're going to talk later. About Parker, about the game, about you."
Yeah right. Like we ever talked about anything.
"A-orgasming we go, a-orgasming we go, hi ho the orgasm-o, a-orgasming we go!" Anya jumped out of Mom's car with a beaming smile on her face. "Do you like my new song, Buffy?" Anya asked. "It's about orgasms," she clarified, as if that fact might have somehow passed Buffy by.
"Mom," Buffy complained, shooting my mom a pained look.
"It's a stage," Mom replied, shrugging.
"An orgasm stage," Anya clarified brightly, her blond pigtails bouncing. At age four, Anya hadn't quite mastered any kind of speaking that didn't involve talking very, very loudly.
"I know your wiley, sex-pleasure tricks, Orgasm Girl," Andrew said, making his voice as deep as he could. "But Condom Man will not accept defeat, and Condomonia will prevail. Our way of life and sperm will persevere over the dark side."
"Hi!" a little voice said brightly. "I'm Harmony Elizabeth O'Connor, and I'm three years old, and do you have a pretty vagina dress for me?"
My mom smiled down at Harmony. "What a pretty dress you're wearing right now," she said.
Harmony smiled sweetly. "My Bubby Boo got it for me," she said.
I practically swallowed my tongue. Bubby Boo? BUBBY BOO?!
Buffy smiled in Angel's general direction, and I wanted to paint a giant neon sign over his head that said 'Bubby Boo.'
Harmony walked over to him. "You got me this dress, didn't you, Bubby?"
Angel looked away for a moment, sighed, and then nodded ever so slightly.
"Oh," Darla said, coming up. "It's you." She shot darts at me with her eyes.
"Your powers of observation astound me," I said dryly.
Darla looked up at Angel. "Do you see how mean she is to me?" she said, her hands on her hips. "I want to go home right now, my boy. Take me home."
"Faith!" Buffy hissed.
Angel patted Darla absentmindedly on the head. "It's okay," he said.
"It is not," Darla insisted. "Nothing about that girl is okay."
I clenched my fist. I'd show her okay.
"Harmony, would you like to play Condom man with us? You can be the sperm if you want to, or you could be Climax Girl or maybe even The Foreplay Avenger."
"No fair," Andrew said. "I want to be an avenger." He placed his hands on his hips and thrust out his chest. "From now on, I'm the Condom Avenger." Andrew looked around and then very conspicuously said his new name over and over again until it sounded like it was echoing, at the top of his lungs. "CONDOM AVENGER-VENGER-VENGER."
Harmony giggled a high pitch giggle and clapped her hands together.
"Do you know what the lollipop said to the flower wind?" Dru danced up to our group, a spacey expression on her face.
Dru grinned. "Hello, Faith. Hello, Grandmummy. Hello people-people everywhere."
"What did the lollipop say to the flower wind?" I asked, humoring her.
"Luke, I am your father," Andrew guessed. "Is that what it said?"
"Oh, no no no no no," Dru said in a sing songy voice.
"Did it say that this is stupid?" Darla asked between clenched teeth. "Because it's absolutely infantile. And stop calling me Grandmummy."
Dru ignored Darla. "It said," she whispered, and everyone, including Angel and Buffy, leaned in to hear the answer, "eat the pizza or the pizza will eat you."
I grinned. It looked like Dru had found a new favorite phrase.
"And do you know what the butterfly said to the rain?" Dru asked.
"Let me guess," I said. "Eat the pizza or the pizza will eat you."
Dru nodded and beamed at me.
"Bubby Boo," Harmony said, looking up at Angel. "I don't want the pizza to eat me!"
"Well then," I said. "I guess you'll just have to eat it."
Without another word, I walked into the restaurant, Harmony, Anya, and Andrew right behind me, Andrew explaining to Harmony how to play their newest game.
"And the Fortress of Solitude and Masturbation is the name of our headquarters on Condomonia," Andrew said.
"Mother," Buffy hissed. "Was it really necessary to teach them everything?"
As soon as Andrew finished speaking, I grinned lazily. "Speak of the devil," I said, pointing as Riley and Cordy hopped out of Riley's car. "It's the original Condom Man himself." I smirked.
Wait for it. Wait for it.
"Faith Giles," Mom and Buffy said at once.
Sure, I thought. When Anya said it, she was in a stage, but when I said it, I was Faith Gilesed. Such was the world.
A moment later, a third person climbed out of Riley's car, and Buffy glared in Sam's general direction. For some reason, my oldest sister hated Riley's girlfriend with a passion.
"Yay!" Anya squealed. "Riley's here. I bet he has some more condoms for us to play with."
"My supply has been dangerously depleted," Andrew said seriously.
"And now he and Cordy can play, and we can have enough players for an Orgy Game!"
"Bubby Boo, what's an orgy? Is it like a pretty necklace?"
I couldn't help myself. It was just too much. I lost it and started cracking up.
"Faith," Buffy said, shooting a quick worried glance in Angel's general direction.
I waited until Mom turned her head away, and I mouthed two words to Buffy.
"Bite. Me."
Then, I ran into the restaurant to find Spike.
TBC…More of all the kiddos, and some Buffy/Spike/Angel interaction, with Cordy and Harmony bonding, a new game for Anya and Andrew, Lindsey lets Faith in on Project X, and we find out why exactly Pepe's is a house of Chaos with Cheese.
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