Hiding Under the Ninth Earth
Book 02 : A Bit Of All Right
by I Got Tired of Waiting

Part IV : Resolution
Chapter Thirty Six : Dissonance

2 July 2003

"You are not the only one who can deny him little," Dumbledore was saying, facing the window with his back to Severus. Given the week of silence from his protégé, he'd almost entertained the hope he could avoid this inevitable conversation. He really should have known better than that. Shaking his head at his own sophistry, he continued, "Although, I admit for different faces of the same reason. Mine to allay my mishandling of my affections towards him when he was younger, you because you love him. And even you must acknowledge he doesn't usually ask for much."

Severus made a noise of protest and Dumbledore strained to hear the younger man's barely audible, "No, not much--just all of me,"

Dumbledore turned his head to stare hard at Severus; he held up his hand, feeling every one of his 154 years when he saw Severus draw breath to continue his grousing. "Don't deny it or you'll make me hex you into next year." He turned back to his fascination with the scenery below.

Severus slumped in his chair. "Oh, jolly good," he said snidely, his anger unabated, "and here I was worried your deception was based on something profound."

Dumbledore whirled back to him, his face blazing. "Severus, I tolerate more idiotic nonsense from you than any other human on this planet in what, I assure you, has been an exceedingly long life." He paused, trying to get his temper in hand without much success. If anything, Severus' petulant sarcasm in light of what they would probably discuss pricked his ire further. "You are without a doubt the most frustrating, ungrateful, convoluted, deplorable, arrogant, discommodious prat I have ever had the displeasure of working with. And in all that time I have no idea why I continue to put up with your insults, your whinging, and your unsurpassed character flaws."

Snape flew out of the chair to lean over the desk, his hands braced flat on it. "Because you love me, you doddering old fool!" he shouted back at him.

Albus stared at him a long moment, his mouth hanging open. Then he threw his head back and laughed long and hard. Severus glared. Still chuckling, he said, "Well, yes. There is that one, small, tiny detail I may have failed to mention." Eyeing the intensity of his friend's stance, the anger covering the deep hurt and confusion, he wished Harry much patience for the future--he would need it with all that passion directed at him. He very much wanted to comfort Severus, but said instead, "Sit down, my boy. We'll get nowhere if we can't discuss this calmly and rationally."

"Are you two quite finished yet?" Phineas said from his place on the wall. "In all my years, I have never seen a pair quite like the two of you. Will you stop dancing around the damned issues and do some meaningful talking? I, for one, am getting dizzy from your circling." The paintings around the room responded with a chorus of 'hear-hears' and 'about bloody time's.

Severus eyed the paintings and then Dumbledore. He asked sweetly, "Does your bloody Greek chorus understand I finally figured out how Harry used the Desinum spell to burn Sirius' mother? And that, perhaps, I have less patience with obnoxious portraits than he does?"

Phineas Nigellus cleared his throat. "Now, now. There's no need to get unpleasant about all this."

Merlin broke in, "I say you should hex him into the next century, Albus. Such disrespect."

Dumbledore held up his hands. "Severus, behave. Merlin, go find a willing, winsome wench and occupy her. And the rest of you--SOD OFF!" He glared at them all. Several, including Merlin, skulked out of their frames. The rest, including Phineas, harumphed but remained silent.

"Feel better?" Severus asked Dumbledore with a smirk, his eye catching Phineas' as he sat back down. Phineas cleared his throat and smiled evilly, leaning insouciantly against the frame.

"Infinitely. Now, what is it you wanted to talk to me about, Severus?" He sighed. 'Oh very good, Albus. Act as if you don't know why he's here. Merlin, I need a drink. Maybe I can get him soused and he'll go away.' He went to a cabinet partially obscured by Fawkes' stand and, pulling out a bottle, blew the dust off of the dark glass. He unstoppered it and poured a few fingers of the ruby liquid into two tumblers, restopppered the bottle, blew the dust back on it, and put it back in the cabinet.

He carried the glasses back to his desk and set one within easy reach of the Potions Master and, taking the other, settled back into his chair, his face lined and tired. Dumbledore sipped the liqueur and sucked in air to put out the fire running down his throat. He managed not to gasp as it hit his stomach with a series of small explosions. He felt immediately mellower.

Taking the glass, Severus took a small sip and after holding his breath, gasped. "Giant's blood?" he managed to choke out before taking another cautious sip. This time it obviously burned less but mellowed faster.

"Hagrid brought it back for me the last time he visited his kin. Guaranteed to take the wind out of your sails," he chuckled.

"More like add three sheets to my wind," Severus quipped, setting the glass down on the desk. "All right, Albus--you want me to tell you what the problem is?" At his resigned nod, Severus asked, "Why did you help Harry deceive me?" As Dumbledore was about to draw breath, he held up a hand, "No, don't interrupt, old man. This is important."

Dumbledore nodded his reluctant acquiescence. 'As if I could shut you up?'

Almost as if he'd heard the thought, Severus raised his brows in consternation before continuing. "For the last two years, you and Potter have been deceiving me. Granted, not outright lying, but we both have enough philosophy to know lies of omission are as serious as obvious lying, maybe more so, because they trick the liar into rationalising the lie into acceptability. And you know that's true."

Dumbledore shifted in his seat and replied, "I can't deny the argument is sound, but omission does have it's place." He couldn't help thinking, 'Especially when dealing with a certain Potions Master.'

Severus squinted at him as if he'd heard the unspoken words. He reached over, got the glass, and took another sip of the drink. "I've a sixth sense for liars that's almost infallible. It's not blinded by affection--I did not have that luxury as a spy. I can't turn it off and I can't ignore it. And in the last two years it never twitched, not once, from either you or Harry. Every day you both looked me in the eyes and believed your lies. It's the only way I could have been deceived. I want to know why."

"Perhaps this one time it was wrong," Dumbledore ventured.

Severus gave him a sour face of asperity before he turned from him to look out the window. "Don't confuse the issue, Albus. Just answer the question. Why did you give in to his deception? Why did you give him the Time Turner? The records don't lie--your direct influence secured his Mastery program. I just don't understand. I thought we were friends."

"I am ever your friend, Severus," Dumbledore said quietly, wishing they were already past this part.

"I trusted you. Blindly at times. We have much water under us, old man." He took another sip and, glancing at the ruby liquid, his wish it could erase the soreness he felt inside was as evident on his face as if he'd said it aloud. "I've respected you all the years I have known you. I've seen your methods and know your ruthlessness in the pursuit of your goals. You couldn't have defeated Voldemort had you not been so. And despite what everyone else says or who cast the last spell, we both know you defeated him and no one else. Your decades of pulling the threads of your tangled web with hundreds of puppets on the ends were what brought about his downfall."

Chuckling, he went on, "And don't give me that dross about Gryffindors, either. I finally broke the seals on the House records years ago. I know where you were sorted. You are Slytherin through and through and as such you do nothing haphazardly." He shifted uncomfortably in the large chair.

"Harry was almost sorted into Slytherin too, you know," Dumbledore said evasively, skirting the issue.

"Yes, I know. He told me several years ago during one of our more interesting conversations. It was obvious the Slytherin House was where he belonged when we first found out he was a Parselmouth, but the Gryffindor sorting confounded Voldemort, so it had its uses." His voice trailed off and staring into space, he started chuckling. "I have a mentor and friend who's a Slytherin but bears the benign face of a Hufflepuff. I have a lover who's a Slytherin overlaid with the gross, headstrong stupidity of a Gryffindor. Makes for an interesting life."

Dumbledore laughed. "That, my friend, is an understatement. I'm surprised we haven't driven you to drink."

Severus took another sip of the Giant's Blood. "The day is still young." His lips twisted in a parody of a smile as he said, "Stop redirecting and tell me the truth, Albus."

"The truth. You want the whole truth?" Dumbledore asked, shaking his head.

"I want something true; I want your truth. I don't think any one knows the 'whole' truth and even if they did, I'm not ready to hear all of it, especially if it involves changing who I am. I'm not up to that right now."

Dumbledore's face fell. "Then I cannot tell you anything. I'm sorry. There it is. Unless you are willing to hear the whole thing and willing to accept your part in it, then my words will be meaningless. We all played a part in this sorry matter."

Albus levelled a stern admonishment at Severus over his spectacles. "And you're lying to yourself if you think you're not 'up to it'. I think you would change anything you could to keep Harry. You would do anything necessary to stay with him. You've already lied to hordes of Death Eaters for him, tortured for him, even killed for him. You've fought off and vanquished all suitors, protected him, and nurtured him. You've paid for him with your very soul. Any fool can see how much you love him. I may be many things, Severus, but I am no fool."

Severus got up and paced the length of the office. Back and forth, his boots thudding into the carpet bespoke the anger he barely contained. After several minutes, with Dumbledore watching him calmly, he flung himself back in the chair. "Damn you, Albus. Damn me. What is this truth you speak of? Tell me quick before I lose my resolve."

"The truth is you both love each other deeply," Dumbledore began gently, "Harry no more wants to hurt you, than you him. He didn't wake up one morning and say, 'Today I think I'm going to lie to Severus,' and I don't believe he ever intended it to go this far. In fact I don't think he thought of much at all, except maybe his fear." He moved the glass to his lips and then set it down, untouched. "I'm sorry, Severus. This is all so difficult and I'm quite sure you don't understand why I didn't stop him."

Severus shook his head, saying, "No, Albus. This much I do understand. It was not your problem, it was not your circumstance, and it was certainly not your place to tell Harry what to do."

"True to a certain extent. However, you and Harry have been like sons of different mothers to me, each with your own unique personality, but deprived of true parents all your lives. I could have stopped Harry, for all intents and purposes, at any time. But like a parent who shuts their eyes tight when their child is about to make a 'big mistake', I watched anyway with one eye half open to not only see how well you fared, but also to see if there were any pieces left over to pick up. My married friends used to tell me this was the hardest thing they ever did for their children and, I confess, I never understood why until I had to watch you both make mistakes. It was very hard to stand back and do nothing."

Quite still, like he sat on the edge of a major discovery, Severus asked, "What else could you have done, Albus?"

"I could have pointed out to him that you'd protected him for so long that when the time came for him to stand alone you didn't know how to let go. I saw it clearly, Harry only by instinct. I have known you for many years and know the more you care, the gruffer and nastier you get. It's really quite annoying at times, but I accept the defense mechanisms for what they are. As a young man, Harry had no such knowledge, so your, to him, rapid switch from evil Potions Master to concerned lover was something of a miracle; we know better. It was just an adult switch of attitude from seeing him as a child to seeing him as a man, but he never got over the inadequacy your earlier behaviour to him fostered. In this you were remiss. You never told him it was a charade."

He folded his hands on the desk. "By the time Harry came to me about a Time-Turner, he was in a state of absolute panic, yet defiant as well. I tried to make him tell you, even so far as withholding the time turner, but had about as much success as you did getting him to break-up with Draco." He shook his head at the irony of it all. "At first he resisted because he was terrified of your reaction and insecure in your relationship. Again, you'd not given him your full trust or he would not have felt this way. However, in all fairness to you, he did not trust enough to give you the chance to prove yourself. By the end of the week though, there was a resolve about him I could not deny or circumvent. He was going to do it on his own and not 'in Severus' shadow'. His words--not mine."

"He felt I had no confidence in him?" Severus asked, astonished.

"I wouldn't go so far to say 'no' confidence from you, rather 'no' confidence in himself. And after hearing what he was going to try and do with his Mastery--what he needed to learn to complete himself, to temper himself, I believe is the way he puts it, was to find the strength to do it from within. I realised his silence was the only way he could attempt it even if it meant shutting you out. I'm so very sorry, Severus. I had to choose between the two of you and Harry won my support."

"As the more favoured?" Severus queried, quite serious.

Dumbledore shook his head. "As the younger."

Severus bit out his words, obviously trying to curb his sarcasm. "I see. Purely on age?"

"No." Dumbledore made a sharp noise. "No, despite your differences in years, you both have your times where, on one hand, decisions are made with the wisdom of old men, and on the other the feckless sense of babes."

Severus started to protest, but Dumbledore cut him off. "Where he was wrong, completely wrong, and he's known it all along, was to keep it from you. But he grows. When he started all this, he stepped into it out of panic. A year later, he mentioned he knew telling you was going to get harder with time, but that each passing day, he grew a strength greater than the difficulty. Last week he knows he should have openly left Hogwarts, although, if I recall, neither one of us was fond of that action and were very keen to keep him here, so I am not sure we would have allowed it; however, it would have been in the open."

"True, I remember the threats against him. However, you are not answering my question, why did I need to be shut out in the first place?"

"Ah, that's harder to broach without offending your sensibilities. Dangerous yet wonderful, his mastery required him to have absolutely no doubts about his ability to succeed. Any quibbling on your part might have doomed him to failure and maybe even risked his life. His self-trust in his own abilities was so fragile then. He values (and still trusts) your opinion so much that any unkind or negative word from you could have made him falter. Will you deny that your keen wit sometimes precedes your thought?"

Ignoring the question, Severus pressed ahead with the foremost things on his mind. "'Could have', 'might have'. You're dealing entirely in suppositions," he chided.

"Am I? Can you be so sure? Perhaps so. Maybe, that's my flaw--my absolute certainty." He fell silent, remembering the progress Harry had made in those days. "You have no concept how deep he goes sometimes; Ron was not the worst of his patients overall, although he was the most emotionally devastating. I didn't correlate the connection until much later, after talking to Hermione, but Ron's harsh rejection of him and his healing almost destroyed him. There was a short period at that time when he started making mistakes. Quiesta wrote me on several occasions that she was going to pull him from the study; she was afraid and didn't want to be responsible for turning him into a vegetable. I stopped her."

"Why, Albus? Why did you stop her? Surely, she would know when it was too much?" Severus was obviously trying hard to understand, but something was still eluding him.

Dumbledore was bitter. "Was expecting an eleven-year old child to defeat Voldemort too much? A twelve year old? An 18 year old? Has Harry not always risen to the demands of others to do the impossible? Could I deny him the one chance to challenge himself to the same standard everyone else had always expected of him? With all he's been through, all he's done, could I dictate what he was capable of anymore?"

He slumped in his chair. "No, I can deny him little. I could not do these things to him. He needed to find his own core, for himself. His own strength. While the incident with Ron was an unpleasant interlude, it made him realise he was doing it for himself. For his satisfaction, his sense of worth, and no one else's. The confidence born of that knowledge, that inner belief was astounding. He quickly surpassed even his own expectations, drew on magic he never knew he had, and he relied on no one for the inner strength to do it. It filled my heart when it happened."

"It scares me, Albus. Where is the caution? You can't throw yourself into everything heart and soul and have any expectations of a long life. Where's the temperance? The thought? You speak of his foolhardiness as if it is a good thing. Is it not better to admit defeat every once in a while to be able to help more along the way? Some things need to be taken in small steps in order to build the larger ones."

Dumbledore chuckled, "Ah yes, there speaks the Slytherin Potions Master, come spy, who was always cautious, never went in places where he shouldn't have been and, of course, never suffered when he got caught taking his perfectly calculated risks. Oh no, not our thoughtful Slytherin who was almost sorted into Gryffindor. Don't forget--I was there, too."

"You don't have to get nasty about it," Severus grumbled. Phineas chortled in the background. "And it still does not explain why it had to be hidden from me."

"You don't give up do you?" Dumbledore asked with a deep sigh. "I had hoped you could figure it out without me actually having to say it." He turned to Phineas, "You were right, I do have to spell it out for him."

Phineas' smugness was palpable. "Of course I'm right. Snape and I are two of a kind and very thick-headed when we don't want to hear something. As I told you, a sledgehammer is sometimes the kindest way."

"Excuse me!" Severus said, waving his hand, "Will you two please stop talking about me like I'm not in the same room?"

"I'm sorry, Severus. Phineas and I have had some discussions about this." He shook his head, his mien serious. "All right, why the subterfuge? Because you would have stopped him. You would have convinced him it was too risky and held him back. I would not allow it. Is that plain enough?"

"Who made you our keepers?" Severus asked, incensed at his meddling.

Dumbledore laughed gently. "I did--along with the rest of the Order--especially Remus and Moody. We've been watching over the two of you ever since the end of Harry's fifth year." Seeing Severus' inflammatory reaction he said, "Oh, don't get all bristly with me. You should be glad you had the approval of the entire group, even Molly and Arthur. Had they not approved and pushed you both along, you'd still be the lonely wretch you'd always been instead of the loved but miserable man you are today."

"You had no right to do this, Albus," Severus shouted. "We worked hard on our trust, we earned it--inch by inch, step by step. You had no right to interfere in our progress."

Dumbledore felt his temper give. "Oh grow-up, Severus! Your progress came too late. Harry grew up and was ready to fly before you were ready to fully trust him not to fall."

At his snide best, Snape replied, "Really? And who was the grown-up in all this? You? Who 'can deny him little'? I think as the injured party here I've been the most adult about the whole thing." He was breathing hard, trying to rein in his temper.

Impatient now, Albus countered, "No, actually, I'm afraid you have some more growing up to do my friend." He sighed, tired of the whole argument. "And you're still not listening to me. Harry stands on his own now, answering to no one but himself. Oh, he'll still give you due consideration. You'll still have influence. He loves and trusts you so much--he won't be able to make his way through life and not take your feelings into account."

He waited for Severus to digest his words and then went to the heart of the matter. "Can you say you have given him the same regard? The same trust? Think hard before you answer, Severus, think of what you have been doing the last year that has involved the same, if not more, risk than what he has done."

Seeing his words finally sink into the stubborn Potions Master, he shook his head. "It goes two ways; you both deal with tremendous power. He takes his chances with the same thought you do. You must realise--this Mastery of his will not end, Severus. As time goes by, he will risk more, give more, and you are going to have to let him. Even if it means losing him."

Severus hung his head, defeated. "I'm not sure I can, Albus," he said softly.

Dumbledore got up and came around the desk to stand next to him. He placed his hand on his shoulder, saying sadly, "Then, you are both lost."

TBC