Hiding Under the Ninth Earth
Book 02 : A Bit Of All Right
by I Got Tired of Waiting
Part IV : Resolution
Chapter Forty Three : Ho'i Hou i Ka Mole
Aloha mai no, aloha aku; o ka huhu ka mea e ola 'ole ai.
23 July 2003
This morning, Severus woke first. Antsy, he rose from their bed knowing today was it. He smiled ruefully to himself--such a melodramatic beginning for something so simple--the day he cleared the air with Harry. His stomach clenched in knots when he thought of the possible consequences; Harry would either stay in understanding, or leave in anger, or worse, put him through the same hell he'd put Harry through the last few weeks.
He found it easy to sit back and look at his own decision to stay and work it out, now that he'd made it, but he also knew this was just one more thing he'd not communicated to Harry. He briefly debated telling him first, but it felt so much like a bribe to him. He could see it now, 'Harry, I love you. I've decided to stay and grace you with my presence after making you miserable. Oh and by the by, I fucked up as badly if not worse than you did. Forgive me?' He snorted--yes, that would go over very well, indeed. Afraid of what Harry's decision might be, probably as much as Harry had feared his, he knew there was much he'd not told him and despite the strange situation they found themselves in, he also knew Harry valued honesty as much as he did.
He needed to prepare. What he had to say would mean dredging up old memories, old feelings best forgot, something he had assiduously avoided not just with Harry, but with himself as well. After dressing quietly and comfortably, he went out on the lanai and soon decided it was too close, too crowded, so he set off towards the ocean and sat on the rocks at the point, thinking and watching the sun rise, the morning breeze lifting his unbound hair. It didn't take long for him to clear his mind and find some peace for however short a time it might be.
He was startled when Harry came up and sat next to him.
"That bad, huh?" Harry asked putting a hand on his knee.
Severus cleared his throat, stealing a quick glance at the neutral face next to him and looked out at the water below them. "You're not the only one who prefers to make their confessions outdoors." He gave a little huff of laughter and looked Harry in the eyes. "There is so much to tell you, so much to confess myself--Albus has been after me as well to come clean." He chuckled. "He's been calling me a fool for years."
Harry held his eyes, his voice quiet but intense. "Tell me, Severus. Tell me what's so horrible you think it could make me stop loving you. Please. I want no more doubts, no secrets anymore. I just want to love you, nothing more and nothing less." Harry leant over and kissed his cheek in encouragement.
"I hope you don't regret those words," he whispered as he took a deep breath and released it, willing the ghoul in his stomach to go away. "Where to begin?" He paused, looking out over the pounding surf. He idly noticed the tide was out and there were hundreds of crabs scuttling all over the beach, their hiding places uncovered by the receding water. He knew how they felt--unsafe, exposed to the elements and the predatory children, just arrived, net bags at their sides, sweeping the sand for their lunch; he mentally admonished himself to quit stalling.
"Do you remember Remus' note about The Veil?" At Harry's nod, he continued, "Moody, Remus, and I each entered The Veil several times looking for Sirius. I found a Dark Arts potion that--changed us--allowed us a limited time inside to search."
Intrigued, Harry asked, "How did it change you?"
"Basically, we died a living death. We used it in conjunction with a spell that acted like a charmed 'rope', if you will. Only one could go through The Veil at a time, literally, with the other two outside to 'haul' the searcher back if he couldn't make it back in time. In the end, only Remus and I could enter with few side-effects. The potion affected Moody's sight too much." He stared at the ocean and sighed.
"What was it like?" Harry asked quietly.
Severus replied in a dead, faraway voice. "The Veil is Death. Dark, horrible, full of spirits unable or unwilling to come back. They can be, you know. Brought back. If they want and aren't too deep. Too deep and they are in the Hinterlands. They're afraid. It tastes like copper and iron--their fear. It smells stale, like old rotted corpses. It whispers songs of sleep overlaid with the sibilant voices of the damned. Mortals cannot hear them but those who walk with death can. They appear, right on the edge of sight. Like gremlins, they disappear when you look at them. No love, no hate, no passion, no sorrow. A flat place of restless stagnation."
He swallowed hard, his eyes somewhere else. Harry had to lean in to catch his soft, slow reverie. "You can't stop moving or they can catch you, can stop you. That's what happened to me. The last time I went in. I saw him. Saw Sirius. I was so close. I called out to him and kept following. And when I finally caught up, it wasn't him. Sirius had already gone on. But his shadow remained, captured and bound by the grieving memories of those left behind who could not let him go. Separate and miserable, I broke the chains binding it, releasing it to join the rest of him. Sirius was finally completely free.
He paused, his eyes sad as he whispered, "Sirius," as if he'd lost his dearest friend. He shook his head, shedding a dream. He went on more normally, "By the time I was done, I'd gone too deep and didn't come back in time. Remus and Moody hauled my body back, but could do nothing--I--in a way--died. With much personal risk of his own, Albus awakened me, something I assure you I do not ever want to do again." He shuddered at the memory of the Headmaster's fury with them all. "It was not--pleasant--quite painful actually, and weakened us both for a few days."
"When did this happen?" Harry was incredulous. "How could I not have known?"
"It was during one of your absent periods, one where you were gone for almost two weeks, supposedly to the Weasleys last summer. The one where I received an Owl from Molly wondering how you were doing, she hadn't heard from you in so long. It was over before you even came back."
Harry was angry now, jumping down from his seat to pace on the rocks below. He remembered the time Severus spoke of. "I'd been with Bill and his family. A Weasley all right, just the wrong one. And you never said a word to me about it? You risked yourself that way and never even said goodbye? Never let me know you might not be back? And then yelled at me for not telling you where I was?" He strode across the shingle, furious, and threw himself against another rock, his head thrown back, insult in every line in his body.
Severus debated whether to go to him or not and decided to stay put, to let Harry work it out. He'd said his piece. Closing his eyes, he waited for the next bit to come; it would, so he let the early morning sun calm him.
"Why?" The voice came from next to him, startling, still angry with its clipped tones. He'd not sensed Harry coming back. "Why did you go after him? I know I'd often thought about it, but I decided in the end to leave it be and accept that Sirius was gone. Knowing how much you hated my Godfather, I am having difficulty understanding 'why' you went--the others are a bit easier."
Severus looked out over the ocean, the children and the crabs now gone, the tide now coming in. Why indeed? Not an easy question to answer. He hesitated, choosing his words with care. "Because, in a former life, Sirius Black was my best friend."
Harry stared. "Surely you're joking. It's no secret how much the two of you hated each other--you would have killed each other if you could," he said heatedly.
Severus chuckled grimly. "No, I assure you I am not--I am quite serious, no pun intended. He always did hate that. Probably why I said it so much, too."
"How is this possible?" Harry asked, still standing, his shadow covering Severus.
"I'll tell you nothing if you don't sit down," Severus said sharply. "You're making my neck ache looking up at you."
Harry sat down cross-legged on the rough rocks a few feet away from him. The distancing was not lost on Severus. "The Houses at Hogwarts divide more than students, they divide whole families. Old families. Of course, the two fiercest rivals were, are, the Gryffindor and Slytherin Houses. The Gryffindor House at any time was sure to hold Weasleys, Potters, Longbottoms, and Bells, among others. The Slytherin House had its share of Malfoys, Snapes, Crabbes, Goyles, Parkinsons--and Blacks."
He paused, silently encouraging Harry's dawning comprehension. "Yes, Blacks. You saw the tapestry--the families intermarried; Arthur Weasley, for example, was directly related to Sirius. Currently, I have second cousins who are Malfoys and Goyles; my unlamented older brother, who died when I was a child, married a Rosier, although there was no issue. The Snape line is distantly tied to the Blacks, although so far in the past it rarely shows up in the contemporary family trees. Be that as it may, the marriages were made to keep the bloodlines clean and to form beneficial alliances between like-minded families, not out of affection. Even your father, a pureblood, was born out of an arranged marriage."
"What about Albus?"
"Ah, a very old family, the Dumbledore's are another story but one he will have to tell you, not I. Suffice it to say, for the sake of this conversation, the great houses tended to band together based on inclination. The Gryffindors tended to be Aurors and high in the Ministry. The Slytherins were the Robber Barons into trade and commerce. When the Slytherin families bred with the shadier Ravenclaws, as was my family's inclination, they created the Dark Arts scholars Voldemort prized; Carlotta comes from such a family. There was a reason Riddle went after the Slytherin families first. Whether by fame or fortune or glory, they could be bought. Rather pathetic, actually."
He cleared his throat, suddenly parched. "My mother was a Pritchard and that odious toad, Graham, is a distant cousin. Mrs. Black was a Black, albeit from a different line four generations back. Our mothers, being former roommates at Hogwarts and of like mind, were close friends despite the differences in their stations. Sirius was born two months before me. Our friendship was encouraged by my father, who had aspirations of his own. The Blacks were powerful and wealthy with a long history of dark wizards, while my family was, well, older--no less prestigious, but certainly not as well off. I knew Sirius all my life. We were close, told each other our childish secrets as we grew up. Laughed at our families and the other families we met when our mothers 'went calling'. We had a jolly time."
Harry sat silent, drinking all this in. "Why did he never mention it to me?"
"Why would he? To do so would be to recall his own 'shame'. Sirius was many things--handsome, funny, clever--things I was not--but he was weak." Harry drew breath to protest; Severus held up his hand. "Harry, if we are to have an honest discussion here, you are going to have to suspend some of your preconceived sensibilities and really listen to some things you are not going to want to hear, not only about Sirius and others, but also about your own family. You knew the man for all of three years. I knew him for thirty eight. If you cannot hear the truth, then I stop now and save myself the effort and humiliation."
It was Harry's turn to look out at the ocean. "The truth as you know it?"
"The truth as others know it, too. If you don't believe me, Albus can confirm most of it. He was there. I won't lie about myself either; I did some incredibly stupid things as well." He smiled in memory, then frowned. "And if that is still not enough, I would be willing, reluctantly I might add, to suspend our agreement to not use Legilimens and allow you direct access to my memories."
Harry shuddered and winced, yet was awed at the trust Severus was once again placing in him. "No. Even if you were lying through your teeth, and I'm not saying you are, I would never subject us to that again." He looked thoughtful. "All right, I can accept your truth, if you can accept I'm allowed to be angry and I'm not expected to like what I hear."
Severus nodded. "That seems fair." He thought a moment, and murmured, "So much history to sort through." His eyes glazed at the inner pictures. Almost to himself, he continued, "We were inseparable. We shared tutors, half our lessons were at his house, half at mine. Our parents were fast friends." He shook his head sadly. "And then, we went to Hogwarts. It fell apart there." His voice trailed off in memory. Without warning, he stood and dusted himself off. "Harry let's go back to the cottage. I'm sore from this rock and thirsty. This is going to take a while and I, for one, would at least like to be comfortable physically while I make an ass out of myself." Harry nodded, grunting his agreement as he stiffly rose from his perch on the hard stone.
They walked back in silence, apart. Severus knew the separation was due to Harry respecting his privacy rather than any active ire he held; it gave him some hope. Once back inside, Severus set out two tall tumblers of water heaped with ice. He carried them into the cottage's living room, placed them on the table and sat in one of the chairs. The solitude was not lost on Harry, who took the couch.
Severus took a large drink of water before continuing. His eyes seemed far away as he remembered the scene. They'd been so young. "Sirius walked up to the sorting hat cocky and assured and walked away crushed and humiliated. It had sorted him into Gryffindor. It almost sorted me there as well."
Harry sat forward, dying to ask but kept quiet.
"His mother, a right bitch--her painting never did do her real self justice--sent no less than three Howlers, one to Sirius, one to Dumbledore, and one to the Board of Governors; she wanted him sorted back in Slytherin. Dumbledore wouldn't budge and so Sirius was a Gryffindor. I received my orders from home almost immediately; I was to have nothing to do with him anymore. Of course, I ignored them and so the first part of the term we were still friends although we rarely had any opportunity to see each other except during classes. He was my potions partner, which caused quite a stir. When I went home for Christmas that year, my parents were displeased with the reports of our continued friendship, and I was beaten for it."
He stared into space. "But Sirius never knew about that. When I came back from the Holidays, he acted as if I didn't exist. His parents wouldn't let him come home and so he had spent the Holidays with the Potters. He was never the same to me again." He shook away the betrayal he still felt at Sirius' actions when he'd come back from that Holiday. He turned his full regard to Harry, and while gratified by the shock on his face, he knew it was just the beginning. He sighed.
"Your father baited me, ridiculed me, and defiled me after that and I never knew why. He got his ammunition from his new best friend, Sirius Black, who told him all of my childhood secrets, told him where my soft spots were. Not on purpose, I don't think, but the enmity between your father and I was well established by that point and he was very good at finding out what he needed to know to get what he wanted. It's what made him an excellent Auror." He took a sip of the water.
"It would be like Hermione or Ron suddenly tossing you over for Draco. I was devastated. From that Christmas on, I became 'Snivellus' to both Sirius and James and their little gang. Remus, new to the school after that holiday, rarely participated, but he had his own demons and never interfered; he was too grateful to be included. Same for Peter. Your mother didn't come along until later, but I had no quarrel with her, although I resented her misplaced pity thinking she was showing off for your father. I was not kind to her."
Severus watched the almost predictable emotions flitting across Harry's expressive face. When he'd regained his equilibrium, Severus continued, "At the time it started, I truly had no idea why they did it; I was a fairly self-contained, fairly quiet Slytherin, although I reluctantly admit, I was prone to showing off for the teachers and thought myself above the dullards around me. Later, though, I earned their enmity, as revenge begat revenge, each year a little nastier."
Harry interrupted him. "What about your friends in Slytherin? Didn't they help?"
"Slytherins don't generally have friends as the Gryffindors do. They have rivals, alliances, and lovers. I had only one real friend in Slytherin, an older boy, Mecadia, Lucius' brother. Lucius was a sixth year when I started, Mecadia a fourth year. And since we're on the subject, Narcissa was one year ahead of me. My first four years were all right, it was my last three that were hell."
"Surely--" Harry began.
"Think on the students you knew. Were any of them friends like you, Ron, and Hermione? I think you will be challenged to find even one pair of friends."
Harry said slowly, "You're right. I'd never really thought about it, but they always stuck together."
Severus snorted with derision. "Oh yes, appearances are important to my Slytherins. However, what goes on in the common room is another story and is, even now, a constant source of amusement to me if not frustration." He smiled wickedly, irrelevantly thinking of the time Draco removed Pansy's mouth. Not so unusual as one might think.
He cleared his throat and with it the odd memory. "My trials began the summer I turned 15. Three things happened. Mecadia left Hogwarts, I found out with a neighbor's groomsman that I didn't like girls, and I was pledged to Flora Bones, a Slytherin one year behind me, Pansy's mother. I was a pariah that summer because I refused to sign the contract. I was at the age of consent and absolutely would not promise to marry that sow. Ugly, bad manners, and female. It was the stuff of nightmares." He chuckled. "Of course I didn't tell them the latter part, but after much discussion the offer was withdrawn and, I thought, none the wiser."
He gulped down some more water. "One would think that if one was turned down for marriage, one would remain quiet about it, but not Flora. She wailed and complained and whined the whole Fall. Everyone knew I had rejected her and while I am sure I had the unanimous approval of every male in the House, they couldn't tell me that. Mecadia wrote me and told me to hold fast, that sleeping with her would be enough to shrivel any man." His face softened in fond memory as it always did when he thought of his friend and former lover.
Recalling himself, he ignored the unspoken questions in Harry's eyes and continued, "No, I was reviled because I passed up her dowry, which was quite handsome but not enough for me to occupy the same common room with her, let alone a bed."
Harry laughed, he couldn't help it. "Her daughter was no prize either."
"True. But that was not the worst. That came over Christmas when my father handed me the marriage contract for Narcissa Black. Did you ever meet her?"
"I saw her a few times at the train but that's it. Draco had been 'disowned' by the time we got together and did not speak much of his family."
"Actually, she died during the time you were together, I'm surprised he didn't tell you. She died two months before the last battle."
Harry was stunned. "Draco never said a word, never even looked grieved."
"He wouldn't have--he hated her. So did I. She was a beautiful woman, petite, blonde, and vain. I was the last son, I was expected to marry, so I signed, assuming I could do what my other classmates did--procreate with one and then keep other lovers on the side. At least she was attractive." He sighed and irony laced his next words. "She refused, citing my sexual preferences among other 'things'. By the end of the holidays, when she proved intractable, my father disowned me, broke my wand, and threw me out of the house with only my school trunk and the clothes on my back."
He looked out the window. "He didn't get Percival, my eagle owl, though. I sent a message to Mecadia. He came for me and snuck me back to Hogwarts where Dumbledore had already received word that I was persona non grata. Albus took me to Ollivander to get another wand and then put me up for the rest of the Holidays. When everyone returned to school, it was common knowledge--not only that Narcissa had rejected my family's suit, but why. No one was kind about it. I had little money, few clothes, some books, a gifted wand, and me. There was a reason my clothes were in such disrepair in the spring; I owned very few and students were not permitted to Transfigure clothing."
Harry thought back to the memory in the Pensieve in double horror; his father had known and had done it anyway. "What an arsehole," Harry muttered.
Severus snorted, surprised at the comment but acknowledged, "Well, yes I was. I suppose I deserved the comeuppance, so to speak, after I locked James and Sirius out of the Quidditch locker rooms the week before, starkers and without their wands."
Harry laughed, saying they'd done the same to Draco in sixth year. He finished with, "And I was referring to my father, not you. What did they do?"
"They walked back, naked. Proud of it, too. Irritated the hell out of me." Severus shook his head, "I was so jealous of their presence. Only he or Sirius could have got away with it."
"That was pretty cheeky of them," Harry quipped. Severus laughed appreciatively. "But even if they weren't at ease with it, it still does not excuse what they did to you in front of the whole school. You at least gave them a chance to come back, none the wiser. I still say my father was an arsehole."
"I was never sure if James truly intended it to go that far. Sirius did, though. He was the one who egged him on. By this time James was smitten with Lily although they weren't dating yet. He'd started cleaning up his act, was almost nice because of her. Sirius was beside himself. He may have been James' best friend and would never have taken his jealousy out on him, but the closer your parents became, the nastier Sirius was to me. You know what happened sixth year; by seventh year it was intolerable."
Severus drew a deep breath, trying to draw the courage to go on, to tell the hard part--what came next. Realising a delay would help none, he continued softly, "And what happened in the Spring Break of my Fifth Year, did nothing to help my reputation."
He was swamped with the memories, ones he had tried very hard over the years to forget. He looked down at his hands, noting the veins on the back, the strong tendons, the short clipped nails, the short scars that looked so innocent and ran so deep. He turned them over and looked at the smoother palms, the length of his calloused fingers. He started massaging the one hand with the other--a reflection of his anxiety.
A new hand came over and covered his--lean, strong, supple fingers not quite as long as his, but just as controlled. The fingers ran in and out the length of his fingers. His whole world focused for one moment on the two hands, the one stroking and loving the other. The other hand pushed aside the sheet of hair covering his face, moving it aside long enough to trail tender fingertips down his cheek. Such a small gesture but it was enough.
Harry leaned in even closer when Severus quietly spoke. "The day before the spring break, I was summoned to the Headmaster's office. Lucius was there with the completed and sealed paperwork; I was his ward."
"What?" Harry exclaimed, his hands stilled but remained.
"My reaction, exactly. I couldn't fathom why he'd done it, with his family's knowledge, if not approval. He said it was his way of thanking me for clearing his way to getting Narcissa and her huge dowry, and maybe when he first thought of it, that was all it was, but I soon learned when I went home with him for the spring holidays the next day that he wanted more than that. He wanted--me." Harry's hand tightened.
His voice got quieter, softer. "You've met Lucius. Such an exquisite man, in an icy way. He said he fancied me and since he'd heard why Narcissa had turned me down--well, what can I say? He was powerful. I was only 15; he seduced me that night and held me captive for the rest of my schooling and beyond."
Severus could see Harry's horror--he'd been afraid he would feel this way. While it was obvious he and Lucius had known each other, only Albus, Cerise, Poppy, and a few select Death Eaters had known of his 'relationship' with Malfoy. Harry's hands pulled away leaving Severus' cold. Just as quickly they returned along with a dawning comprehension on Harry's face. "Is he the one who gave you those scars?" His one hand joined the other and they both held Severus' tight.
"Some of them, but not all, and not at first," Severus whispered, his relief almost choking him. "The first few months were--wonderful. He was everything a person could want in a lover--gentle and he seemed to cherish me. I was unprepared, therefore, when on my sixteenth birthday, he took me to Voldemort and dedicated me to his service. I got the Dark Mark that night as much to please Lucius as anything else. Such an idiot. I found out that night, afterwards, he'd already tired of me; I was too old--he likes them much younger. When he gave me to Voldemort's service, he really DID give me to his service."
His face filled with old terrors, he tore his hands away and got up from the chair, the memories crowding him, suffocating--he had to get out. He went out to the lanai and leaned on the rail, sucking up lungfuls of the clean air, dizzy from all the impressions he'd suppressed over the years, which were threatening to violently come out. His stomach heaved and he sternly controlled it.
Harry followed and came up next to him putting his arm around his waist. Severus flinched involuntarily, still needing air. He was sorry when Harry withdrew his arm, understanding and not wanting to distress him, but could see the implied rejection hurt a little.
His head was full. Being held down. Taken by force. Whipped when he couldn't go on. The summer a nightmare. The summons during the school years. The humiliation. The pain and the blood. Crawling into his bed at dawn, trusting no one to help, no one to help him in any event. Except Dumbledore.
He told Harry all this, his words as broken as his memories. Harry stood before him; his hands fast on Severus' but unnoticed. "I only remember bits and pieces now, and only in my dreams. I would have died, I think, had it not been for Albus. He found me one night, unconscious, in the corridor outside the Slytherin common room door. It was the month I got the stripes on my back. He was upset and took me to Poppy, who healed them as best she could but they were deep and old and Dark. He wanted me to press charges against Lucius--I gave him information on Voldemort. He saw the advantage. I was almost 17 and I was his; his kindness was my undoing. I could spy on them. Make them pay. It was my revenge."
He couldn't look at Harry, afraid he'd see pity. He would die if Harry pitied him.
Harry placed both hands on his cheeks and turned his face to him. All Severus saw was his love and compassion. He broke down. Harry wrapped him in his arms, unconcerned Severus did not hold him back. He took his hand and led him to the couch. Laying down, he pulled Severus to him; for once he was the strong one, the one who held his lover while he purged himself of his ugly memories. His hand stroked his hair, nothing else; nothing more was needed.
Much later Severus resumed his story in a low, hoarse voice. "I spied for Dumbledore until just before the beginning of your sixth year. I seduced Lucius because I could get information from him. I knew how, knew what he liked, what he couldn't get from his boys. I became a part of the inner circle; Lucius hated me for it, but it didn't stop him from fucking me." He glanced away from the moue of distaste on Harry's face as he obviously envisioned the two of them together.
He held up his wrist, turning it so the light caught his faint scars there. "The night you healed me, I had returned from what turned out to be my final mission. Deaf to my assurances of loyalty, Voldemort gave me as a present to Lucius, who was a little more vicious than normal. They knew; somehow they'd found out I was working for the Order--Lucius was determined to cripple, if not kill me and would have succeeded had it not been for you and your burgeoning Sanos abilities. You know your healing connected us in a way, don't you?" At Harry's nod and tightening of his arms, Severus closed his eyes.
He laughed with no humour. "My service was finally over. I should have known better. My career as a spy had started winding down earlier in the year, right after the Christmas of your fifth year. Voldemort did not summon me as much and when called, it was to be punished and reviled, the information obtained--questionable. Lucius whispered poison to Voldemort in my absence. I felt useless and spent quite a bit of time that winter up at Grimmauld Place especially after--the end of our Occlumency classes." He looked out over Harry's chest to the window beyond, seeing the grounds past the lanai.
"Sirius was there, alone with that twisted house-elf, slowly going crazy. He was, you know--unbalanced, that is. Dumbledore kept him there for his safety in more ways than just from the Ministry. Having nothing better to do, we talked and he told me many stories about school. About your father and Lily. Why your father hated me so, although I still don't believe it. We reconciled in a way. Although we could never be friends again, we stopped hating each other."
"Is that why the cloak--hurt--you so much?" Harry asked gently.
Severus shrugged against his shoulder. "In a way. I suppose more than anything, it was a reminder of him not listening to me, not that he ever did."
"How so?"
Severus raised his head to look at him. "I tried, Harry. I really tried to stop him from sneaking out of the house. He did it on a regular basis. And when I couldn't, I told him to take the cloak I'd given him as a birthday present when we were children, to be cautious, to test the waters, so to speak, before he leapt in. He was so stubborn. And in the end he died."
He sighed, putting his head back down in the hollow of Harry's shoulder. "When I found the potion to go through the Veil, I knew I had to try. I would have done it by myself, but the text was clear--I needed a spotter. I asked Remus; I knew how much he missed Sirius and thought he would help me. He was willing, eager even, but only if we asked Moody as well."
"You did it for me?" Harry was horrified.
Chagrin coloured his voice. "I would like to say I did, but I hadn't thought of it. No, I did it for myself and the little boy who was my friend before life intervened."
Harry blew out a gust of air in relief and tightening his hold, kissed him on top of the head. "I'm glad. I couldn't have borne that. I'm having a hard enough time thinking you went all mawkish on me." Harry smiled.
Severus sat up, Harry's leg over his lap, the other behind him. Feeling better about the whole thing, he said with asperity, "There's no need to be insulting. Mawkish indeed."
Harry chuckled. "And that's it?" he asked hopefully.
Severus looked pensively out the window, his previous comfort evaporating. "Well, there is one other thing," he replied, still not sure he could actually voice the words he needed to say. Things buried deep within him tended to stay that way.
Sighing, Harry said gently, "Tell me, Severus."
Surprised at his resigned tone, Severus was heartened by the openness of his eyes. "You had a nightmare night before last--about us. It woke me up and not just out of my sleep--" He looked off again, his eyes unfocusing.
"No matter what happens, no matter how you feel about me now, know that I love you and I have for many years." When Harry sat up, tense beside him, Severus shifted to better accommodate him, their hands twining, but he couldn't bring himself to look. He murmured, "I didn't even know it myself until Dumbledore and I almost killed you in that duel and again later when I brought you in from the last battle. You were so still and I was afraid."
Harry tentatively touched Severus on the chest, the hand moving more confidently to his shoulder. When the other one threaded into his hair, subtly begging for his attention, Severus finally turned to him. The glowing happiness in Harry's eyes took Severus' breath away, warming him to his very core. And it contained a blinding revelation--he, Severus Snape, had given this to Harry; he'd put that look on Harry's face with something so simple as a few fragile words spoken from within him. Famished, like a child with his first bite of chocolate, he wanted more. He knew now what to say, what would express the fullness of his heart.
Severus leant over and held Harry's face in his hands, more precious now than ever, his eyes serious, piercing Harry's heart with his intensity. "Gods, how I love you. I could no more walk away from you than I could leave my own skin. I'm sorry if I hurt you, I never meant to."
Harry tilted his head and gave him a single, serious kiss, the hand in Severus' hair suddenly gripping hard. Their lips clung as he pulled away and he whispered into them, "I know, I've always known. It's always been in your eyes, your hands, the secret expression on your face I know is only for me. I love you, Severus, and I can think of nothing you could do that would make me stop, even if you were Voldemort himself."
Severus closed his eyes, full. "Thank you. Especially in putting up with an old, foolish man like me."
Harry said firmly, "No, Severus. Don't thank me, please. We are who we are, nothing more, nothing less. It's something one just accepts, not makes."
He pulled Severus back down in his arms, settling them into the couch. "I won't deny that what you told me today upsets me. I won't tell you I'm not angry. Won't hide my dismay over your relationship with Lucius, although out of all of it, I understand it more than you think I do. Won't say your pictures of my father and godfather don't wound me. Can't tell you that I don't want to hear more about them, although I won't ask it of you. For to do any of these things would be to lie to you. And I'm done with lies, tired of them, from both of us."
He kissed the top of his head and when Severus raised it, he gave him another serious kiss. And another, both of them conveying whole worlds of meaning with just their lips.
Severus raised himself up and scooted closer, leaning over Harry. He brushed his lips over the tempting ones below his. Harry's emerald eyes were serious when he declared, "I'll say it, every day for the rest of my life if I have to, until you believe me. I want no more doubts, no secrets anymore. I just want to love you."
Severus knew he would make a fool of himself if he said more than "I think I can do that."
"No, Sev." Harry pulled him closer and whispered, "Don't think, just do."
So heart to heart, they did.
****
Ho`i hou i ka mole.
Return to the taproot.
The return to love and loyalty for kith and kin after the severing of a relationship.
Aloha mai no, aloha aku; o ka huhu ka mea e ola `ole ai.
When love is given, love should be returned; anger is the thing that gives no life.