Author's Note: This is a response to the Meet the Snapes challenge. Please see my LiveJournal (link is in my profile) for Challenge Rules and general notes about the story.
Relative Insanity
"Wow, Severus. You never told me how rich your family was," Hermione told him bluntly, a few moments after they disapparated. The stately home in front of her reminded her of a chateau she had visited long ago with her family.
He snorted at her. "It's not something I'm proud of."
"Severus, you should have mentioned it. Is there anything you're not telling me… maybe about what your parents are like?" she asked, trying to mask her apprehension.
"Can it be that the brave Gryffindor is afraid of meeting her fianc's parents?" She rolled her eyes at his sarcasm. They had been in a romantic relationship for three years, yet neither of them had tired of ridiculing the other's house. "Hermione, I already told you about my childhood and that they absolutely hate each other."
"I realize that you are the least likely person of my acquaintance to exaggerate; however, I think that based on your position in the family, you might have a bit of a bias. I doubt that they hate each other. Just because they argue occasionally…"
"They do not just argue occasionally. Each of them absolutely despises the other and goes to great lengths to pass through the day without encountering the other. They each tell their friends that the other is dead. As a result, most of the members of their social circles—which include vastly different people—believe that my mother is a widow and my father is a widower. "
"Why did they marry in the first place?"
"It was an arranged marriage between purebloods, of course. My parents tried to do the same to me, but there weren't any witches who would have me."
"Except for me?" she said with a smirk. "I'm obviously the smartest one."
"Hermione, you were more intelligent as an eleven-year-old than the majority of witches are as adults."
They arrived at the set of large iron gates, which opened immediately when Severus stepped in front of them. Obviously charmed to open only for Snape family members. The two of them walked into the grounds. "My mother once charmed those gates to throw my father backward whenever he touched them," Severus told her. "Then my father charmed them to call my mother a stubborn old hag every time she approached. Needless to say, I came up with a new charm that can only be modified by me."
Hermione laughed. "At least they're creative."
"I see little humor in it."
They were interrupted at that moment by a House Elf opening the front door. "Young Master is home!" the creature said. "Dolly will take Master and Miss's possessions to their rooms."
"No, I can—" Hermione broke off. It was tempting to carry her own belongings in rebellion, but her soon to be in-laws probably wouldn't appreciate being accused of being slave owners.
She decided to wait until after the wedding to try to convince them to join S.P.E.W.
"Master and Mistress are in the drawing room," Dolly told them.
Severus held her hand—tighter than usual—as they walked together.
The first thing that Hermione noticed when they reached the room was that Severus's parents were sitting on opposite sides of the room, as far from each other as was possible while still remaining in the same room. "Severus! I'm glad you finally arrived." Mr. Snape, who was closest to the door, stood up. He looked similar to Severus, with the same hooked nose, dark eyes, and pale skin. "I could hardly bear to be in the same room as her for a moment longer," he said under his breath. He went back to a normal tone. "And you must be Hermione. How wonderful to finally meet you; you may call me Marcellus since we'll soon be family. Please, do sit down."
"Severus! And this must be your lovely bride-to-be," a woman's voice said from across the room. She was not particularly pretty but looked elegant in fancy green robes. As she walked closer to them, Marcellus moved further away. When she was next to Severus, she hissed, "That bastard took the seat closest to the door. Otherwise I would have been the first to greet you."
"Mother, you're nearly as childish as the dunderheads that I teach," Severus told her scornfully.
She ignored him. "Hello, Hermione. I am Victoria Snape. Please, come and sit; I'd love to find out more about you." She put her arm around Hermione and led her to the nearest sofa.
The two women sat down next to each other and Severus came to sit by Hermione. After glaring at his wife for a few moments, Marcellus took a chair near the side of the couch that was opposite from where Victoria (who was smirking) was seated.
"Hermione, Severus mentioned that you're the Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor at Hogwarts, the first in quite some time that has been there for more than a year. I think that's absolutely wonderful. Defense Against the Dark Arts is such a useful class," Victoria said.
"You say that even though you had the worst scores out of all the students in that class for seven consecutive years," Marcellus snapped at her.
"But they were still better than your Transfiguration scores." She turned to Hermione. "He still can't even do simple transfigurations that most Hogwarts first-year students know."
"Father," Severus interrupted, a desperate tone in his voice. He seemed to be hoping to calm his seething father. "Why don't you tell Hermione about the book that you wrote? She likes reading."
Hermione didn't know whether to laugh or cringe at his pathetic attempt to find a connection between his father and her.
"You're interested in hearing about the book I wrote?" Marcellus asked.
Hermione nodded. "Severus told me that it was occasionally used to help with Auror training."
He seemed surprised—but flattered. "Why, yes. Yes, it certainly was. In its time, it was one of the top sellers. I first got my inspiration for it back in—"
Victoria cut him off. "And here he goes again, talking only about himself. He can go on for hours about that stupid book if you allow him. And it's dreadfully boring."
Hermione could feel Severus's body stiffening next to her, and he began to get the expression on his face that always came right before he exploded in anger. Marcellus just sneered.
"Hermione, I would personally enjoy hearing more about you. Don't you agree, Marcellus?" she asked viciously. His face didn't change. "Tell me Hermione, what country are your parents from? I've never heard of any Grangers in the wizarding world."
"Actually, right here in England. My parents are Muggles," Hermione told her.
Both Snape parents looked completely horrified. Victoria discreetly (although not very, since Hermione noticed) moved a few inches away from her.
Marcellus glared at his son. "A Mudblood, Severus? How vile." Hermione's face turned bright red as he continued. "I suppose that the trend for pureblooded wizards is to marry filth in order to rebel. However, I had always expected my own son to be intelligent enough to not taint the Snape blood."
"How can you say such a horrible thing, Father?" Severus growled. He looked ready to use an Unforgivable Curse. Hermione was still speechless. "This is the woman I love, that I'm going to marry. You have no right to insult her in such a manner."
As Severus was talking, Victoria's pallid complexion changed to a rosy glow. There was also a very Severus-like sneer directed at her husband. "I think it's marvelous that Severus is marrying a Muggleborn witch. There is an overabundance of inbreeding in the wizarding world. Nearly all purebloods end up marrying distant cousins, and the effect on the children is completely horrid." She put her arm around Hermione again. "Don't listen to my husband, dear. He's one of the most narrow-minded men in the wizarding world. He's also one of the least intelligent, despite what he claims about himself."
Hermione didn't know what was worse, Marcellus's open hatred of "Mudbloods" or Victoria's hypocrisy. She suddenly had a headache.
Hermione stood. "I should be going now. I'll see you all at dinner." Severus got up next to her, looking nearly as anxious as she was to leave.
"No, please stay," Victoria told her, taking her arm. Hermione looked at Severus questioningly. She stood there for a few seconds, deep in thought. She had really wanted to make a good impression on the Snapes, but so far…
Anger began building up inside of her. Why were Severus's parents so small-minded? Despite what many purebloods thought, Muggleborns were just as capable as everyone else. She had been one of the smartest witches to grace Hogwarts in decades!
"I will be leaving now," Marcellus said hurriedly. In a low voice, he muttered, "I wouldn't want to spend any more time in the presence of a Mudblood. The next thing I know, I'll be forced to converse with her low class parents," He spoke softly, but the already irate Hermione heard it. He was so crass about voicing his thoughts that she would not have been surprised if he meant for her to hear it.
"You bastard!" Without even thinking, Hermione stormed over to him and slapped him. "How dare you insult my parents?!"
She stared at her palm (which was now sore) in horror, her entire body shaking. What had she just done? She caught a glimpse of Marcellus's face—which had a mark on it where she had hit him—as he left the room in rage. Severus looked at her with awe. Hermione wasn't certain if he was proud, disappointed, or just surprised.
"I just hit my future father-in-law," she said incredulously, still shaking.
Severus snorted. "Thank you for your observation," he said sarcastically. His voice had a slight undertone of amusement in it.
Victoria Snape threw her arms around Hermione. "My dear, I will be proud to call you my daughter-in-law. That was one of the most wonderful moments of my life."
Hermione didn't smile, nor did she hug her back. She was still shocked at her behavior. But, he had deserved it. Oh yes, he certainly had. A small part of her mind that was vicious and bent on revenge had the hope that the slap had been painful. The more sensible portion of her brain chided her for doing something so stupid and impulsive. Hermione wasn't sure which she agreed with—the absurdity of the prevalent pureblood bias made the former sound more tempting.
"Mother, I think that Hermione and I should rest before dinner," Severus said.
"Oh, but I—"
"No, Mother," he said sternly. She didn't respond. Hermione took the silence as a cue to leave. She took Severus's hand and practically dragged him out of the room, grateful that he was as eager as she to depart.
Hermione felt her face redden as she walked with Severus in the corridor. He didn't seem particularly angry (quite the opposite, in fact), but she still felt embarrassed. It was unlike her to act so impulsive and childish. Especially odd was her lack of remorse at her aggressive behavior. She took a deep breath.
"That was very Gryffindor of you," Severus told her with a sneer as they walked towards his chambers.
"You make it sound like a bad thing," Hermione told him, attempting—successfully—to sound casual. She knew from experience how to take his Gryffindor insults in stride. For some reason, their silly Hogwarts house banter always improved her mood. Perhaps it was because it was so mundane, a rare thing in her everyday life. "And some men seem to like Gryffindor women."
"There's only one that I like."
"Oh? Let me guess… Minerva McGonagall?" Hermione asked innocently.
Severus shuddered. "That evokes an exceedingly repulsive image."
"I can think of a few ways to get rid of that," she told him in a sultry voice, stopping in the hallway to pull him into her arms.
"Hermione, not here—" She cut him off, pressing her lips to his.
"Young man, what do you think you're doing?!" a shrill voice behind her yelled, interrupting their kiss.
Hermione turned and found herself staring straight into the face of an elderly woman with a stern expression. She then realized that there were many portraits on the wall, and all eyes were on them.
"Grandmother, this is Hermione, my fiancée," Severus said to the woman.
"You're not even married to this woman?" his grandmother shrieked. "Your lack of propriety is utterly shocking!"
Severus whispered to Hermione over his grandmother's cries. "We should leave quickly. She's lonely and will complain all day if you allow her to coerce you into conversing with her."
The two quickly walked down the rest of the hallway, escaping the screeches of Severus's grandmother. A few of the people in the pictures greeted Hermione, but most just glared at her with the trademark Snape expression of distaste.
Hermione started laughing when they reached Severus's room. "I think that most of your ancestors dislike me already. Especially your grandmother."
"She tends to be cynical and judgmental at the beginning of an acquaintanceship."
"Much like a certain Potions Master I know," Hermione said with a smile. "It must run in the family."
Severus didn't speak for several moments. "I should apologize for the behavior of my parents," he finally said. "Although they were never genuine supporters of the Dark Lord, they still have many of the pureblood prejudices."
"It's not your fault. In fact, you even warned me in advance. At least one of them will always pretend to like me in order to provoke the other."
"Yes, but—"
"Severus, I can handle it."
"That's what I'm afraid of. I doubt that my mother and father would take too kindly to more physical violence against them," he told her sardonically.
"Your mother seemed happy about it," Hermione replied. "But your point is taken. I suppose that I also owe you an apology. I should have behaved in a more dignified manner."
"He truly did deserve to be slapped. Neither of them was expecting something like that— it took my mother over twenty years to finally stand up for herself. I hope that it will teach him to think twice about attacking you and your family to your face."
Hermione smiled at him, deciding to change to a more pleasant subject. "How much time do we have until dinner? I thought ahead and decided to bring some reading for us to relax with. By the way, where is my room?"
"I have no doubt that it's as far from mine as possible. My parents are of the opinion that if they aren't shagging, nobody should be."
"I don't think that I feel comfortable about shagging when there are so many people watching." She gestured to the wall, full of Snape family portraits.
"My bedroom really does have too many pictures on the wall, doesn't it?" he said. Hermione nodded.
Severus summoned a House Elf, who took them to her chambers, a floor above and several corridors away from his. They sat down on the sofa in the room.
"I am guessing that this 'reading' you were speaking of relates to the Cruciatus potion?" Severus asked, referring to the potion that they were attempting to concoct, which would alleviate the effects of the Cruciatus Curse.
"You know me so well. It is a weekend, after all, the only time that we have to work on it without being constantly interrupted by children."
"I was hoping that we could celebrate being away from those irritating children while we were gone."
"You say that even though you wish that you didn't have to leave them for the weekend," Hermione teased.
"That's only because Sinistra is absolutely incompetent and is a horrible substitute Head of Slytherin."
"Right. How many of your students would suspect that Severus Snape truly cares about the children he teaches?"
Severus sneered at her.
"You look so sexy when you're irritated, Severus."
"You used to be intimated by it."
"Yes, but now I've grown to love it." She paused. "There aren't any portraits on the walls in this room."
He smiled. "I thought that you wanted to do Potions research."
"Maybe later."
Severus pulled her lips to his in a passionate kiss.
The rest of the afternoon was blissful, both of them forgetting about Severus's parents and the problems that had occurred earlier (in addition to getting no research done). They only remembered their troubles when it was time for dinner. When they arrived in the dining room, both Snape parents were there, bickering already. It appeared that the elves had shrunk the table down so that it could fit four, which meant that Victoria and Marcellus were forced to sit near each other. However, they were still on opposite sides of the table, one empty seat next to each of them.
"Good evening," Hermione said as she quickly took the chair next to Victoria, hoping at least for a superficially friendly greeting.
Instead, Victoria gave her a cold stare. Just what I don't need right now, Hermione thought. Food appeared on her plate immediately. They all began eating.
Marcellus spoke up, actually looking happy for some peculiar reason. "Severus, I was just telling your mother how impressed I was with your choice of wife."
Victoria snorted. "Only you would like somebody so ill-mannered and violent."
"At least Severus won't have a frigid wife who speaks only to criticize. Hermione seems like a bright young woman and has quite a bit of spunk. I daresay that she and Severus will have quite a fulfilling relationship on many different levels."
"Father, you were just referring to her as a Mudblood a few hours ago."
"Yes, yes, but that's all in the past. I hope that we can move on now. I'm not growing any younger and am would like to see an heir immediately," he said, looking pointedly at Hermione.
"Actually, Father, Hermione and I have decided that it will be several years before we have children. Neither of us is ready for it at the moment."
"Why is that?" an irritated Victoria asked. "This is quite vexing; I was expecting for you to begin bearing children immediately. If you wait to do so, you might be too old." She glared at Hermione.
"I'm only twenty-six years old. Waiting until I'm thirty will not be too long." Hermione tried to mask her irritation. Do you want to carry the child around for nine months? she almost asked. "Right now we're working on an important potion that will probably take a few years to complete. The fumes might be dangerous to the baby if I became pregnant."
"I am certain that you can find another person to assist you during Hermione's pregnancy. I was anticipating an heir within a year of the marriage," Marcellus said sternly.
"Father, are you actually agreeing with Mother?" Severus asked impertinently. Both of his parents gave him hostile looks. "But, the answer is no; I cannot find another to assist me. There is nobody else with the necessary Potions skills to help me, nor is there anybody else who I trust enough to help with such a significant experiment."
"But—"
"Mother, this is the end of this discussion. We will not be having children for quite some time," Severus said firmly.
"If you must. It's not as though I'll get an heir in any other way," Marcellus said disdainfully.
The rest of the meal was spent in complete silence.
"I think that I'll retire for the night," Victoria said, getting up from the table.
"Mother, it's not even seven o'clock."
"I'm tired, Severus," she said crossly.
Marcellus stood up. "I am also exhausted. Good night, children."
Victoria glared at him. "You are not exhausted. You're only doing it because I said that I'm leaving."
He scoffed at her infantile remark.
Both of them left the room at the same time—through separate doors, of course.
Hermione looked at Severus. "It now seems that both of them dislike the idea of having me as their daughter-in-law. They certainly haven't been shy about expressing it."
"They'll get over it."
"I hope so," Hermione said thoughtfully.
"Don't worry about it so much, Hermione. Both of my parents change their minds often and will most likely come to love you eventually. Now, how would you like to look at my father's library?"
Hermione smiled. "Severus, darling, do you know why I love you so much?"
"Why?"
"Because you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better."
The two of them spent the rest of the evening reading in the library and discussing various aspects of magic. Hermione found that she enjoyed being in the Snape household much more when Severus's parents were not around. His father's collection of books was impressive, containing volumes of books on Potions, Charms and Defending Against the Dark Arts, in addition to fiction by various wizards. The absence of Muggle literature was noticeable—at least to Hermione. Severus's personal library, which was much smaller than this, contained many works of classic English literature that had been written by Muggles. Marcellus Snape had no idea what he was missing out on.
Around eleven o'clock, the two of them left for their respective chambers. Less than five minutes after she arrived at hers, Severus came through the fireplace. He seemed gleeful about rebelling against his parents' decision to put them on opposite sides of the house.
Hermione slept well, despite the problems that she had encountered with the Snape family.
She awoke the next morning with Severus still in her bed, his arms around her. Hermione sat up and stared at him for several moments. In a few weeks, they would be able to wake up to each other everyday, without having to worry about anybody knowing that they were spending nights together.
Because the two of them were the heads of their respective houses at Hogwarts, they knew that it was necessary for them to be accessible to the students at all times—including the middle of the night. It would be highly inappropriate for either of them to be out of their chambers for an extended period of time. Neither of them had wanted to set a bad example for the children, so they rarely spent the night with each other. However, things would be different soon, much to the relief of both of them. They would not be forced to tiptoe around and pretend that their sexual relationship was nonexistent.
"Hermione, will you quit staring at me already?"
"Oh, I didn't realize you were awake," she said. "I was just thinking of how nice it was to wake up next to you."
"As opposed to waking up next to that dirty creature you call a cat?" Severus smirked.
"He is not dirty!" she exclaimed with a laugh. Apollo, the cat she had gotten the year after Crookshanks had passed away had been bought for the same reason as the late Crookshanks—because nobody wanted him. He wasn't necessarily "dirty"; rather, he was scruffy and full of battle scars.
"Just ugly?"
"Well, you're a greasy git."
"You, Miss Granger, deserve to be punished for that comment," Severus said in his strictest voice.
"Mmm, I like the sound of that."
"You do realize that you made both of us late for breakfast, don't you?" Hermione asked with a grin. "Your parents might begin to suspect that something is amiss."
"Perhaps they'll realize that their forty-six year old son is not a virgin."
Their arrival to the breakfast room was unnoticed by the arguing couple who was already seated there.
"These eggs are overcooked," Victoria was saying. "You're just disagreeing with me to be troublesome."
"Victoria, they are fine. You have no reason to demand that we get new House Elves. Disposing of the old ones and finding new ones is such an inconvenience."
Don't say anything; it won't make a difference, Hermione kept repeating to herself.
"Severus, Hermione, how nice of you to show up fifteen minutes late," Victoria said with flippant sarcasm.
"Severus, I expect you to abide by my rules and be punctual when you're in my house," Marcellus told him sternly.
Hermione tried not to smile. Marcellus was talking the same way that Severus did to his students.
"I apologize for forcing you to speak with your wife, Father," Severus said snidely.
"Severus! When did you become so rude and impudent? It certainly wasn't the result of your upbringing, so I can only assume that it's because of the company you keep," Victoria said, frowning at Hermione.
Marcellus spoke again. "Victoria, your constant jibes at Severus's fiancée are getting quite tiresome."
This began a new argument about how hypocritical he was, followed by how hypocritical she was, which ended with both of them storming out of the room. Neither Hermione nor Severus said anything throughout these events; Hermione gave a look of pity to Severus, who seemed highly displeased.
"I am almost grateful that we have to go back to those silly children at Hogwarts."
Hermione attempted a smile. "Are your parents always like this?"
He nodded. "Unfortunately. I was not embellishing the truth when I told you how much they detest speaking with each other."
"I'll admit it: I was wrong and should have trusted your judgment. However, I knew how your prejudices occasionally cloud your opinions and cause you to underestimate people."
"I cannot think of what you are referring to. When have I ever done such a thing?"
She smirked. He was actually asking her seriously. "What about your treatment of Harry Potter?"
"That was a highly unusual case and there were reasons for—"
"And Neville Longbottom?"
"The boy was an absolute disaster!"
"He happens to be one of the top Aurors in Britain right now."
Severus scowled. Both of them stood up and walked out of the room together.
"It's depressing to see such a dysfunctional couple just a few weeks before our wedding," Hermione said after a short period of contemplative silence.
"Hermione, you know that there are many different types of couples in the wizarding world, as in the Muggle world. For example, look at Molly and Arthur, who always seemed to be snogging in the middle of the corridors at Grimmauld Place." He said the last part with a disdainful expression.
Hermione chuckled. "I presume that you also stumbled upon them. They're worse than our older students. But let me tell you now, Severus, if you ever suggest that we have that many children…"
He shuddered. "Hermione, do not say such a horrible thing. I think that one or two would be manageable, but I'd go ballistic with any more than that."
"I cannot believe that your parents want grandchildren immediately. They seem to think that I would be willing to abandon all of my research to produce a Snape heir."
Severus groaned. "They have been pestering me about it for the past twenty-five years. Doing the same to you is their way of welcoming you to the family."
"And what a wonderful welcome it was," she said dryly.
"I'm sorry that you have to marry into this, Hermione," he told her.
"Something as trivial as your parents' eccentricities wouldn't stop me from marrying you."
"I know, because you have the determination of a Gryffindor."
"And you love it. Besides, your parents are not that bad. Compared to most pureblood families, they're completely normal. Just imagine somebody like me marrying into the Malfoys, Notts, or Goyles. Those families are much worse." She paused. "Not that I would ever give anybody in those families a second glance. Their sons are all idiots."
Severus laughed. "But you have to admit, my parents are horrible compared to most."
"Lucky for us, I don't have to marry them." She kissed him quickly on the lips.
They arrived at his rooms, which had barely been touched during their visit. "I'm glad that we only decided to stay here one night. Any longer than that would have been completely maddening."
"At least you never had to live with them."
Hermione nodded. The two of them walked in silence to her room. After a few swishes and flicks of her wand (in addition to a snide Severus comment about foolish wand waving), the couple was prepared to leave.
Somehow, Marcellus and Victoria arrived (independently) in the foyer at the same time as Hermione and Severus.
"Goodbye children. It was lovely to meet you, Hermione," Marcellus said. Hermione was unconvinced, but he seemed sincere—at least as much as was possible for him. "By the way, I'll be expecting my heir within the next five years."
"And we'll completely ignore that expectation," Severus said wryly.
Victoria hugged Hermione, which was a big surprise. "Thank you for being a part of one of the most beautiful moments of my life." It took Hermione a second to realize that she was referring to the slap. Hermione said nothing, amazed at the constantly changing opinions of this peculiar woman.
Hermione decided not to attempt to comprehend the motives of either Snape parent, for the family was a complex bunch. She had known Severus for twelve years before she had begun to understand him.
They all said their goodbyes, and Hermione and Severus left the house together.
"Well, now, that was fun," Hermione said. "I still have no idea whether they love me or loathe me."
Severus snorted. "I think that they don't dislike you, which is the best that we can hope for, since they both hate nearly everyone."
"Much like their son," Hermione interjected.
"I just choose the company I keep carefully."
"You do remember what we're doing next weekend, Severus?"
"Meeting your parents," he said with dread in his voice. "What are they like?"
"Just typical Muggle dentists. Oh, and they don't yet know that you used to be my teacher."
He groaned. "I suppose that we'll have to tell them? I'm sure that they will be in the group that assumes that I'm a pedophile who has been lusting after you since your schooldays. I probably deserve this for not telling my parents in advance that you were Muggleborn."
"Yes, you do," she said playfully. "It won't be any worse than this weekend."
"I certainly hope not," he mumbled. However, he looked uneasy.
She smiled slyly. "If I didn't know better, I would think that you were nervous."
"Don't be daft. Of course I'm not!" They walked a little more before he spoke again. "There is nothing that I should be nervous about, right?"
"Well, actually—" She paused. He had a horrified expression on his face for an instant, which was followed by a frown.
"You seem to get a lot of pleasure out of mocking me."
"It's only because I enjoy seeing that sexy sneer on your face. See, there it is again," she said as he sneered unconsciously at her comment.
"I should take points from Gryffindor for insolence."
"Doing so would lead to me trying to compensate by taking points from every Slytherin I encounter, resulting in you doing the same from Gryffindor, and then Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff would end up winning the House Cup."
"You, Miss Granger, are incorrigible."
"Ms. Granger. I'll be a married woman in a few weeks."
"I'm counting the days."
She smiled. "Me too." Hand in hand, the couple apparated back to Hogwarts.