AK and I stood in Rolands office, while he berated us both.
"You shouldn't have sent her in there at all." He snapped at AK.
"I told him to load me in." I said quickly.
"He's the operator. Ultimately he makes the final decision on who goes in."
"If she didn't go in you could have died, sir." AK said.
"And she could have died because you sent her in there!" Roland bellowed angrily.
"I've been taking care of myself for twenty years now, sir. I don't think that's changed just because I'm no longer in the Matrix." I said.
"Did I ask you?! Do not re-enter this conversation until I ask you something." Roland snapped at me.
"She was badly injured less than an hour before she went in, and she is essentially blind in the Matrix. What the hell were you thinking sending her in there?"
"She used the gun you dropped to see where you were. Without her the agents would have still have you." AK replied.
"That's not the point and you know it. She could have been killed in there, and the agents would have still had me."
"They didn't though. You're got out alive and so did everyone else." I said.
"Didn't I tell you not to speak until I started with you?" Roland asked.
"Yep." I responded.
"Then what are you doing?"
"Probably getting myself into more trouble than I'm already in, sir." I said. Just shut up, Silver. I thought to myself.
"I think we'll finish this up when you're ready to take this more seriously." He growled.
"Yes, sir." AK said, I echoed him. AK caught my arm and guided me out the door after him, but he stopped a few steps down the corridor.
"You excel at getting yourself into trouble, don't you?" He asked.
"It's the only thing I've ever shown any skill at, besides hacking that is." I replied.
"Well, when he calls us in there later, just stay quiet and try to be a little more serious." AK told me.
"That's asking an awful lot, but I'll try." I said.
"Just a suggestion, start practising now."
"To do that I'd have to not talk at all."
"Then do that."
"I don't know how, I've never done that before." I said plaintively. He laughed and I felt him pat me on the shoulder.
"You'll do alright, Silver." He said.
That night I had a dream, one that I had been having on and off for years. Back in our old home, before Mom moved us into a flat. It was also before I went blind. I was playing in the garden; inside I could hear my mother arguing with my father, again. He never argued back at her, so it was always kind of one sided, but her screaming was enough for both of them. After a few minutes he came back out of the house, he stopped and crouched down in front of me.
"I'm going away, Cassie. I don't know when I'll be able to see you again." He told me. He lifted my chin up with his fingers, he grinned slightly.
"I love you, always remember that." Then he stood up again and started walking away. My mother came running out of the house.
"If you leave us now David don't bother coming back. We don't want to see you." She screamed after him.
"Yes, I do. Why you goin' away, da?" I asked him. He turned and came back to me.
"Because this place isn't real. When you get older you might understand what I mean." He said. At the time I didn't understand what he meant. This time though the dream was different, always before when I had the same dream I had never been able to see his face, but now just for an instant I could.
"Don't go, da. I'll be good for ya, I promises." I told him. He shook his head as he scooped me up in his arms.
"It's not because of you, Cassie. This is just something I need to do." After that he left, not looking back once. I remember after he left, that my mother starting telling me never to get together with a guy when I was as young as she had been. I didn't understand that either, in my mind she had always been the one to start fights between them and he had never said anything back to her, except this one time when she had picked me up and started shaking me, saying that all their problems were my fault. He had grabbed me away from her and set me back on my feet behind him. Then he had turned back to her, fire in his eyes and told her that she would never see either of us if she did that again. He had been my protector, the one who I would go to when I hurt myself. And then he had left me alone with her. His leaving had also been my fault and I never seemed to hear the end of it from her. That was I suppose how I got into hacking in the first place, she had been bitching on at me that I wasn't doing well enough in school. I hacked into the school computer and changed my own records. It still didn't make her happy, but then nothing I had ever done in my life had ever been good enough for her. I got up and went to the mess hall, I didn't know what time it was, but I wasn't much in the humour for going back to sleep. I sat down at the long table; it wasn't long before someone joined me.
"Morning." I said to them.
"What are you doing up this early?" Roland asked. Wondering why the hell my father left me with a bitch like her? I thought.
"Couldn't sleep, to many dreams. My mother used to say to me 'the past belongs in the past'." I said. And he's not coming back for you. It's just you and me now. I added on the last bit silently. I heard him sigh quietly.
"Guess I'm not the only one who doesn't want to remember the past."
"It's not that. Would you like a coffee?" He said.
"Sure." I nodded. I could hear him pour the black liquid and then he sat down, sliding the cup across the table and then putting my hand on it.
"How old were you when you got out of the Matrix?" I asked him.
"I was a twenty-one, a year older than you are now."
"Have any family in there?" I asked. There was a long silence.
"Hey, if you don't want to answer that's okay. I know how you feel." I almost laughed at the irony of that statement.
"Yes, I had family in the Matrix." He spoke quietly.
"Me to. Well if you count me and my mother family. Didn't have no brothers or sisters."
"What about a father?" He asked me.
"He left a few years ago. I have a vague idea of where he went though. A part of me will always hope he hadn't left, but you know what I'd say to him I saw him today? Don't look back and regret. We all have to make important decisions at some stage of our lives." I heard someone else coming in.
"Hello, AK." I said.
"Silver, you ready to continue your training?" AK asked me. I looked in the direction that I thought Roland was.
"I thought you said no training for me?" I could hear him laugh.
"Let's just say I've been convinced. Go ahead, AK." He said.
"See? I always knew havin' a big mouth would come in useful." I joked.
"It was you, it was AK." Roland said.
"Lead the way...literally speaking." I told AK.
More than four hours later Roland returned to the main deck.
"Let's see what you've learned." He said. A few moments later we were somewhere else, I wasn't wearing my usual clothes, and I had no shoes on and no glasses covering my silver eyes.
"Where are we?" I asked him.
"The construct. It is now a dojo, a sparring area. This is where we practice. I want you to hit me." He said. I turned my head slightly. Not long after I had lost my sight a number of people had decided to beat the crap out of me. After that I had started taking classes in martial arts. You're wondering how the hell a blind person can do that, right? It's simple really, when you loose one of your senses you learn to trust your others more than you would have had you not lost a particular sense. I turned my head slightly to the side; I could smell him and that smell became stronger the closer he was to me. I could also hear his bare feet on the floor mats as he moved around.
"Do you need anything?" He asked me. I shook my head in answer.
"Do you want me to blindfold myself also, make it more fair?"
"I presume that you had AK train me all morning so that I could go into the Matrix on occasion, correct?" I asked him.
"Yes." He replied.
"Then don't use a blindfold. If I run into agents in there I don't think they'll put one on just because I say it's not fair." I said. He chuckled a little at that.
"Good point." He said. I heard his feet hitting the mat with whisper light footsteps as he ran at me; I ducked out of the way, but not fast enough. He slammed into me full force and I went flying backwards into a pillar, cracking it in half. I fell to the ground, but leaped to my feet quickly and readied myself for his next attack. I turned in a full circle, but I wasn't sure where he was, until I heard him again as he moved around me. He came at me again and this time I grabbed him by the back of his shirt and slammed him to the floor. But he bounced up again almost instantly, I moved away from him. When he came at me again I got him in the throat with two stiffened fingers, I could hear him move off trying to catch his breath, then I kicked him in the stomach, and he lurched away again. I didn't stop there though I kept hitting and kicking him. Eventually he called a halt and had AK pull us out.
"What the hell was that all about?" He asked. I turned in the direction of his voice.
"What the fuck do you think?!" I snapped back at him.
"I don't know that's why I'm asking." He replied.
"Didn't take you very long to forget did it?" I asked him.
"Forget what?" He said.
"Exactly. Maybe you didn't want to remember. You probably got here and were only to glad to forget everything." I said. I stood up, but couldn't exactly go anywhere because I didn't know my way around yet.
"What are you talking about?" He asked me.
"She blamed me for that as well."
"Who blamed you for what?"
"My mother, said it was my fault my father left. AK can you help me back to my room?" I turned to where I thought AK was.
"Umm...sure." He said. Coming over to me, he put my hand on his elbow.
"I still don't know what you're talking about." Roland said.
"And that's the problem. Don't kid yourself that you wanted to remember, because it's obvious you didn't want to." I said. I stopped walking long enough to turn my head in his direction.
"Having white hair can't be that common, how many people have you ever known with white hair?" With that I turned and left, leaving him to mull over my final words. I was angry, very angry. I know that a few hours ago I had told him that that he shouldn't look back and regret his choice. But to actually make myself believe that was a little more difficult.
"You shouldn't have sent her in there at all." He snapped at AK.
"I told him to load me in." I said quickly.
"He's the operator. Ultimately he makes the final decision on who goes in."
"If she didn't go in you could have died, sir." AK said.
"And she could have died because you sent her in there!" Roland bellowed angrily.
"I've been taking care of myself for twenty years now, sir. I don't think that's changed just because I'm no longer in the Matrix." I said.
"Did I ask you?! Do not re-enter this conversation until I ask you something." Roland snapped at me.
"She was badly injured less than an hour before she went in, and she is essentially blind in the Matrix. What the hell were you thinking sending her in there?"
"She used the gun you dropped to see where you were. Without her the agents would have still have you." AK replied.
"That's not the point and you know it. She could have been killed in there, and the agents would have still had me."
"They didn't though. You're got out alive and so did everyone else." I said.
"Didn't I tell you not to speak until I started with you?" Roland asked.
"Yep." I responded.
"Then what are you doing?"
"Probably getting myself into more trouble than I'm already in, sir." I said. Just shut up, Silver. I thought to myself.
"I think we'll finish this up when you're ready to take this more seriously." He growled.
"Yes, sir." AK said, I echoed him. AK caught my arm and guided me out the door after him, but he stopped a few steps down the corridor.
"You excel at getting yourself into trouble, don't you?" He asked.
"It's the only thing I've ever shown any skill at, besides hacking that is." I replied.
"Well, when he calls us in there later, just stay quiet and try to be a little more serious." AK told me.
"That's asking an awful lot, but I'll try." I said.
"Just a suggestion, start practising now."
"To do that I'd have to not talk at all."
"Then do that."
"I don't know how, I've never done that before." I said plaintively. He laughed and I felt him pat me on the shoulder.
"You'll do alright, Silver." He said.
That night I had a dream, one that I had been having on and off for years. Back in our old home, before Mom moved us into a flat. It was also before I went blind. I was playing in the garden; inside I could hear my mother arguing with my father, again. He never argued back at her, so it was always kind of one sided, but her screaming was enough for both of them. After a few minutes he came back out of the house, he stopped and crouched down in front of me.
"I'm going away, Cassie. I don't know when I'll be able to see you again." He told me. He lifted my chin up with his fingers, he grinned slightly.
"I love you, always remember that." Then he stood up again and started walking away. My mother came running out of the house.
"If you leave us now David don't bother coming back. We don't want to see you." She screamed after him.
"Yes, I do. Why you goin' away, da?" I asked him. He turned and came back to me.
"Because this place isn't real. When you get older you might understand what I mean." He said. At the time I didn't understand what he meant. This time though the dream was different, always before when I had the same dream I had never been able to see his face, but now just for an instant I could.
"Don't go, da. I'll be good for ya, I promises." I told him. He shook his head as he scooped me up in his arms.
"It's not because of you, Cassie. This is just something I need to do." After that he left, not looking back once. I remember after he left, that my mother starting telling me never to get together with a guy when I was as young as she had been. I didn't understand that either, in my mind she had always been the one to start fights between them and he had never said anything back to her, except this one time when she had picked me up and started shaking me, saying that all their problems were my fault. He had grabbed me away from her and set me back on my feet behind him. Then he had turned back to her, fire in his eyes and told her that she would never see either of us if she did that again. He had been my protector, the one who I would go to when I hurt myself. And then he had left me alone with her. His leaving had also been my fault and I never seemed to hear the end of it from her. That was I suppose how I got into hacking in the first place, she had been bitching on at me that I wasn't doing well enough in school. I hacked into the school computer and changed my own records. It still didn't make her happy, but then nothing I had ever done in my life had ever been good enough for her. I got up and went to the mess hall, I didn't know what time it was, but I wasn't much in the humour for going back to sleep. I sat down at the long table; it wasn't long before someone joined me.
"Morning." I said to them.
"What are you doing up this early?" Roland asked. Wondering why the hell my father left me with a bitch like her? I thought.
"Couldn't sleep, to many dreams. My mother used to say to me 'the past belongs in the past'." I said. And he's not coming back for you. It's just you and me now. I added on the last bit silently. I heard him sigh quietly.
"Guess I'm not the only one who doesn't want to remember the past."
"It's not that. Would you like a coffee?" He said.
"Sure." I nodded. I could hear him pour the black liquid and then he sat down, sliding the cup across the table and then putting my hand on it.
"How old were you when you got out of the Matrix?" I asked him.
"I was a twenty-one, a year older than you are now."
"Have any family in there?" I asked. There was a long silence.
"Hey, if you don't want to answer that's okay. I know how you feel." I almost laughed at the irony of that statement.
"Yes, I had family in the Matrix." He spoke quietly.
"Me to. Well if you count me and my mother family. Didn't have no brothers or sisters."
"What about a father?" He asked me.
"He left a few years ago. I have a vague idea of where he went though. A part of me will always hope he hadn't left, but you know what I'd say to him I saw him today? Don't look back and regret. We all have to make important decisions at some stage of our lives." I heard someone else coming in.
"Hello, AK." I said.
"Silver, you ready to continue your training?" AK asked me. I looked in the direction that I thought Roland was.
"I thought you said no training for me?" I could hear him laugh.
"Let's just say I've been convinced. Go ahead, AK." He said.
"See? I always knew havin' a big mouth would come in useful." I joked.
"It was you, it was AK." Roland said.
"Lead the way...literally speaking." I told AK.
More than four hours later Roland returned to the main deck.
"Let's see what you've learned." He said. A few moments later we were somewhere else, I wasn't wearing my usual clothes, and I had no shoes on and no glasses covering my silver eyes.
"Where are we?" I asked him.
"The construct. It is now a dojo, a sparring area. This is where we practice. I want you to hit me." He said. I turned my head slightly. Not long after I had lost my sight a number of people had decided to beat the crap out of me. After that I had started taking classes in martial arts. You're wondering how the hell a blind person can do that, right? It's simple really, when you loose one of your senses you learn to trust your others more than you would have had you not lost a particular sense. I turned my head slightly to the side; I could smell him and that smell became stronger the closer he was to me. I could also hear his bare feet on the floor mats as he moved around.
"Do you need anything?" He asked me. I shook my head in answer.
"Do you want me to blindfold myself also, make it more fair?"
"I presume that you had AK train me all morning so that I could go into the Matrix on occasion, correct?" I asked him.
"Yes." He replied.
"Then don't use a blindfold. If I run into agents in there I don't think they'll put one on just because I say it's not fair." I said. He chuckled a little at that.
"Good point." He said. I heard his feet hitting the mat with whisper light footsteps as he ran at me; I ducked out of the way, but not fast enough. He slammed into me full force and I went flying backwards into a pillar, cracking it in half. I fell to the ground, but leaped to my feet quickly and readied myself for his next attack. I turned in a full circle, but I wasn't sure where he was, until I heard him again as he moved around me. He came at me again and this time I grabbed him by the back of his shirt and slammed him to the floor. But he bounced up again almost instantly, I moved away from him. When he came at me again I got him in the throat with two stiffened fingers, I could hear him move off trying to catch his breath, then I kicked him in the stomach, and he lurched away again. I didn't stop there though I kept hitting and kicking him. Eventually he called a halt and had AK pull us out.
"What the hell was that all about?" He asked. I turned in the direction of his voice.
"What the fuck do you think?!" I snapped back at him.
"I don't know that's why I'm asking." He replied.
"Didn't take you very long to forget did it?" I asked him.
"Forget what?" He said.
"Exactly. Maybe you didn't want to remember. You probably got here and were only to glad to forget everything." I said. I stood up, but couldn't exactly go anywhere because I didn't know my way around yet.
"What are you talking about?" He asked me.
"She blamed me for that as well."
"Who blamed you for what?"
"My mother, said it was my fault my father left. AK can you help me back to my room?" I turned to where I thought AK was.
"Umm...sure." He said. Coming over to me, he put my hand on his elbow.
"I still don't know what you're talking about." Roland said.
"And that's the problem. Don't kid yourself that you wanted to remember, because it's obvious you didn't want to." I said. I stopped walking long enough to turn my head in his direction.
"Having white hair can't be that common, how many people have you ever known with white hair?" With that I turned and left, leaving him to mull over my final words. I was angry, very angry. I know that a few hours ago I had told him that that he shouldn't look back and regret his choice. But to actually make myself believe that was a little more difficult.