Disclaimer: Inuyasha doesn't belong to me.
Additional Disclaimer: This isn't my usual type of writing. I worry that I was too hard on the Sesshoumaru/Kagome community and hope no one takes this too serious. I did this story while REALLY bored/tired/etc. I usually have nothing against Slash or Alt pairing fans (technically my other stories are nearly all alt). But after noticing many novice Sess/Kago fans fell into too many clichés and I wrote this and some friends encouraged me. So go blame them!
Hopefully you'll laugh and cry and learn something.
Cinco de Mayo By a Very Apologetic Author. (AKA This is "All In Jest")
Tears flooded Kagome's eyes as she ran away from the sight. Inuyasha was in Kikyou's arms and they were declaring their love!
Well, admittedly, Kagome should have kinda expected it, seeing that's how they spent every Thursday night...and Tuesday night...and every other Saturday night... and every Cinco de Mayo. Kikyou laughing maniacally (and, if possibly, sluttishly) while Inuyasha was in a trance mumbling "ai shiteru" twice a minute or so, like a creepy robot clown waving people into a department store, and Kagome conveniently watching behind some sort of scenery like a tree, bolder, or grazing bison.
"But it still hurt! Darnit!" Kagome cried as she ran through the terrible forest unescorted, past the full mariachi band playing 'El Pedro's Amor de la Senorita del Hueso'. (a perennial favorite!***)
"Señorita, be careful. Do you need us to call you a taxi?" the accordion player, Chewie the Incongruent Anachronism, asked, concerned, but Kagome paid him no heed.
Kagome ran and ran until she stumbled upon one of the phenomenon that makes Japan special. Namely, hotsprings every two blocks or so.
"Sesshoumaru!" She gasped as she skidded to a stop. "What are you doing here?"
Sesshoumaru stewed in the hotspring, where his perfect toes-ies were no doubt pruney because he seemed to have been there for an indefinenent amount of time. He opened on eye and lazily said, "I seem to have nothing else to do but hang out in places where random lemons happen. Well, besides I like to sit here and angst over some subject like the lack of Tensaiga, or how much my brother humiliated me, or how I am so OOC, or how I know modern slang. Wanna screw to get back at my brother for whatever he did to both of us?"
"Sure, my schedule is open." Kagome said as she looked up from her dayplanner. She had a whole half-hour block from her spying time on Inuyasha and Kikyou until when she had to feed the group their dinner of ramen and potato chips (Strangely, the only types of food that can survive the well. She had once tried to transport some other food but even the most indestructible food of all, Twinkies, never survived intact! (Hungry bone eater well!))
". . . " Sesshoumaru said, remembering he was the strong, silent type. He got out of the pool, nude and dripping wet (not from any water but from drool from the millions of fangirls out there.) He looked like an alabaster statue come alive. His molten golden eyes serried into her soul. A gentle breeze swirled his fine tresses around him gave him a ethereal-
"Hey, buddy! What do you think you are doing?! " Kagome squealed, momentarily broke out of the trance of the descriptive narration (and possibly even the evil spell of OOC) as Sesshoumaru turned her around, bent her over, and pulled up her skirt. "And how did your fluff get blow-dried and styled so fast?"
Sesshoumaru didn't say anything, as any response would be so NOT Sesshoumaru... plus he was trying to figure out why anyone would want to wear a green thong with a little red, dogbone-treat motif for something called Milkbone Brand Dog Treats.
"So I guess foreplay's out of the question." Kagome sighed, forgetting that since she's a virgin (at least I hope so, she's a 15-year-old kid, for Pete's sake!) she should be entering into this situation with more trepidation. "I bet you won't even do a favor for me."
"What favor? I think I'm supposed to declare my undying love *after* the brutal encounter."
Kagome straighten up and reached into her pocket and pulled out a few items. "Could you wear these?"
Sesshoumaru eyed the cheap faux rosary and white cat costume ears with contempt. Obviously she was a bit more hung up on his brother than she said. "...no."
"Well what about the lipstick and stilettos?" she batted her eyelashes.
Sesshoumaru blinked and nearly rubbed at his own eyes, since just watching Kagome batt her eyelashes made his own eyes irritated. ". . .Human wench, you have issues."
"Psth. You should talk. You're the one sleeping with someone because your daddy didn't love you enough to give the *BIG* sword. Compensating a bit, honey?" Kagome mocked, obviously channeling someone with caustic witty comebacks like Kagura or Naraku. Kanna also occasionally pops out with real zinger at the oddest times. Even Kaede has some real, nice, bitter, jokes, but half of them are really dirty but that's because she's an old lady and they are like that. But the author digresses.
"u r meen!" sesshoumaru squeeled as the fangyrl arthour's spelchecker broken. evidenly so did hers grammer checkers an shift keey...
Luckily, after a swift kick, the spelling and grammar cleared right up. (But was it a swift kick to the computer or to the author's head?)
Sesshoumaru cleared his throat and continued advancing on the schoolgirl of the future. "Somehow, I feel irresistibly drawn to you."
"Are you sure you don't have a metal plate in your head? Some psychics and mystics have strange electromagnetic phenomena around them. Like I always get zapped after I walk over shag carpet in my socks."
"Static electricity plays havoc with my fly aways." Sesshoumaru nodded sympathetically. "But enough of this. On to the lovin'!"
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Does "lovin'" and "Sesshoumaru" belong in the same sentence?)
"Si! Mi Amor! Mi Hombre de Passion! Si! Si!"
Sesshoumaru stopped. "What's with the sudden screaming out of bad Spanglish?"
"Well I thought it would be more festive! Right, Chewie?" Kagome turned her shoulder to talk to the Mariachi Band.
"Why are you bringing us into this, Señorita?" Chewie sighed. The other mariachi players sweatdropped even if sweatdropping seemed more culturally specific.
Kagome sighed. "I guess I could use bad Japanese phrases. 'Ai Shiteru.' ' Igh-shtigh. Kondom motteru?' 'Tenisu-ga johzu des-ne' How very boring." Kagome seemed crestfallen then perked up. "How bout bad Engrish!? 'Harlud- erlu! Fast-erlu! Mo Powah-!"
Sesshoumaru sneered. "No. I meant why are you making so much noise, wench. I haven't even touched you."
"Oh." Kagome blinks. She then squealed when he picked her up and flung her over his shoulder. "What are you doing? You can't throw me around like I'm that white fluffy tail thingy!"
"This isn't working so I'm going to kidnap you and possibly fall for you elsewhere."
"But I thought you morally objected to youkai kidnapping humans."
Sesshoumaru's well manicured, pale eyebrows scrunched. "When did I say that?"
"Well, you did kinda pitch a fit when Naraku did the same thing to you and kidnapped Rin. Taking hostages does seem like a bit of a cowardly and dishonorable deed."
"... oh, right. I forgot about that. Hm. What to do now?"
"Kareoke?"
"Okay!"
And both walked off together happily into the sunset. To get wasted and sing "The Way We Were" offkey into the wee hours of the morn. And possibly eat some chili fries.
"Doesn't that Sessho-whatever guy remember that he's naked?" The mariachi band's trumpeteer wondered out loud.
"That's it, Jose." Chewie turned to the trumpeteer. "Next time, I set up the gigs we play at."
BAD SPANISH (I pasted together Spanish words. No clue if the tense is correct.)
El Pedro's Amor de la Senorita del Hueso= The Dog's Love of the Bone Woman
BAD JAPANESE (A friend got it out of a phrase book. Who knows if it's correct.)
Ai shitteru.= I love you. Igh-shtigh. Kondom motteru?= I would like to go to bed with you. Do you have a condom? Tenisu-ga johzu des-ne.= Where's the bathroom?
TERRIFIC ENGRISH (It's Engrish! What do you expect?)
Harlud-erlu!= Harder! Fast-erlu!= Faster! Mo Powah-!= More Power!
I know I'm going to get flamed. I'm ready! I can take it! (The Author closes her eyes and waits with gritted teeth.)
Additional Disclaimer: This isn't my usual type of writing. I worry that I was too hard on the Sesshoumaru/Kagome community and hope no one takes this too serious. I did this story while REALLY bored/tired/etc. I usually have nothing against Slash or Alt pairing fans (technically my other stories are nearly all alt). But after noticing many novice Sess/Kago fans fell into too many clichés and I wrote this and some friends encouraged me. So go blame them!
Hopefully you'll laugh and cry and learn something.
Cinco de Mayo By a Very Apologetic Author. (AKA This is "All In Jest")
Tears flooded Kagome's eyes as she ran away from the sight. Inuyasha was in Kikyou's arms and they were declaring their love!
Well, admittedly, Kagome should have kinda expected it, seeing that's how they spent every Thursday night...and Tuesday night...and every other Saturday night... and every Cinco de Mayo. Kikyou laughing maniacally (and, if possibly, sluttishly) while Inuyasha was in a trance mumbling "ai shiteru" twice a minute or so, like a creepy robot clown waving people into a department store, and Kagome conveniently watching behind some sort of scenery like a tree, bolder, or grazing bison.
"But it still hurt! Darnit!" Kagome cried as she ran through the terrible forest unescorted, past the full mariachi band playing 'El Pedro's Amor de la Senorita del Hueso'. (a perennial favorite!***)
"Señorita, be careful. Do you need us to call you a taxi?" the accordion player, Chewie the Incongruent Anachronism, asked, concerned, but Kagome paid him no heed.
Kagome ran and ran until she stumbled upon one of the phenomenon that makes Japan special. Namely, hotsprings every two blocks or so.
"Sesshoumaru!" She gasped as she skidded to a stop. "What are you doing here?"
Sesshoumaru stewed in the hotspring, where his perfect toes-ies were no doubt pruney because he seemed to have been there for an indefinenent amount of time. He opened on eye and lazily said, "I seem to have nothing else to do but hang out in places where random lemons happen. Well, besides I like to sit here and angst over some subject like the lack of Tensaiga, or how much my brother humiliated me, or how I am so OOC, or how I know modern slang. Wanna screw to get back at my brother for whatever he did to both of us?"
"Sure, my schedule is open." Kagome said as she looked up from her dayplanner. She had a whole half-hour block from her spying time on Inuyasha and Kikyou until when she had to feed the group their dinner of ramen and potato chips (Strangely, the only types of food that can survive the well. She had once tried to transport some other food but even the most indestructible food of all, Twinkies, never survived intact! (Hungry bone eater well!))
". . . " Sesshoumaru said, remembering he was the strong, silent type. He got out of the pool, nude and dripping wet (not from any water but from drool from the millions of fangirls out there.) He looked like an alabaster statue come alive. His molten golden eyes serried into her soul. A gentle breeze swirled his fine tresses around him gave him a ethereal-
"Hey, buddy! What do you think you are doing?! " Kagome squealed, momentarily broke out of the trance of the descriptive narration (and possibly even the evil spell of OOC) as Sesshoumaru turned her around, bent her over, and pulled up her skirt. "And how did your fluff get blow-dried and styled so fast?"
Sesshoumaru didn't say anything, as any response would be so NOT Sesshoumaru... plus he was trying to figure out why anyone would want to wear a green thong with a little red, dogbone-treat motif for something called Milkbone Brand Dog Treats.
"So I guess foreplay's out of the question." Kagome sighed, forgetting that since she's a virgin (at least I hope so, she's a 15-year-old kid, for Pete's sake!) she should be entering into this situation with more trepidation. "I bet you won't even do a favor for me."
"What favor? I think I'm supposed to declare my undying love *after* the brutal encounter."
Kagome straighten up and reached into her pocket and pulled out a few items. "Could you wear these?"
Sesshoumaru eyed the cheap faux rosary and white cat costume ears with contempt. Obviously she was a bit more hung up on his brother than she said. "...no."
"Well what about the lipstick and stilettos?" she batted her eyelashes.
Sesshoumaru blinked and nearly rubbed at his own eyes, since just watching Kagome batt her eyelashes made his own eyes irritated. ". . .Human wench, you have issues."
"Psth. You should talk. You're the one sleeping with someone because your daddy didn't love you enough to give the *BIG* sword. Compensating a bit, honey?" Kagome mocked, obviously channeling someone with caustic witty comebacks like Kagura or Naraku. Kanna also occasionally pops out with real zinger at the oddest times. Even Kaede has some real, nice, bitter, jokes, but half of them are really dirty but that's because she's an old lady and they are like that. But the author digresses.
"u r meen!" sesshoumaru squeeled as the fangyrl arthour's spelchecker broken. evidenly so did hers grammer checkers an shift keey...
Luckily, after a swift kick, the spelling and grammar cleared right up. (But was it a swift kick to the computer or to the author's head?)
Sesshoumaru cleared his throat and continued advancing on the schoolgirl of the future. "Somehow, I feel irresistibly drawn to you."
"Are you sure you don't have a metal plate in your head? Some psychics and mystics have strange electromagnetic phenomena around them. Like I always get zapped after I walk over shag carpet in my socks."
"Static electricity plays havoc with my fly aways." Sesshoumaru nodded sympathetically. "But enough of this. On to the lovin'!"
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Does "lovin'" and "Sesshoumaru" belong in the same sentence?)
"Si! Mi Amor! Mi Hombre de Passion! Si! Si!"
Sesshoumaru stopped. "What's with the sudden screaming out of bad Spanglish?"
"Well I thought it would be more festive! Right, Chewie?" Kagome turned her shoulder to talk to the Mariachi Band.
"Why are you bringing us into this, Señorita?" Chewie sighed. The other mariachi players sweatdropped even if sweatdropping seemed more culturally specific.
Kagome sighed. "I guess I could use bad Japanese phrases. 'Ai Shiteru.' ' Igh-shtigh. Kondom motteru?' 'Tenisu-ga johzu des-ne' How very boring." Kagome seemed crestfallen then perked up. "How bout bad Engrish!? 'Harlud- erlu! Fast-erlu! Mo Powah-!"
Sesshoumaru sneered. "No. I meant why are you making so much noise, wench. I haven't even touched you."
"Oh." Kagome blinks. She then squealed when he picked her up and flung her over his shoulder. "What are you doing? You can't throw me around like I'm that white fluffy tail thingy!"
"This isn't working so I'm going to kidnap you and possibly fall for you elsewhere."
"But I thought you morally objected to youkai kidnapping humans."
Sesshoumaru's well manicured, pale eyebrows scrunched. "When did I say that?"
"Well, you did kinda pitch a fit when Naraku did the same thing to you and kidnapped Rin. Taking hostages does seem like a bit of a cowardly and dishonorable deed."
"... oh, right. I forgot about that. Hm. What to do now?"
"Kareoke?"
"Okay!"
And both walked off together happily into the sunset. To get wasted and sing "The Way We Were" offkey into the wee hours of the morn. And possibly eat some chili fries.
"Doesn't that Sessho-whatever guy remember that he's naked?" The mariachi band's trumpeteer wondered out loud.
"That's it, Jose." Chewie turned to the trumpeteer. "Next time, I set up the gigs we play at."
BAD SPANISH (I pasted together Spanish words. No clue if the tense is correct.)
El Pedro's Amor de la Senorita del Hueso= The Dog's Love of the Bone Woman
BAD JAPANESE (A friend got it out of a phrase book. Who knows if it's correct.)
Ai shitteru.= I love you. Igh-shtigh. Kondom motteru?= I would like to go to bed with you. Do you have a condom? Tenisu-ga johzu des-ne.= Where's the bathroom?
TERRIFIC ENGRISH (It's Engrish! What do you expect?)
Harlud-erlu!= Harder! Fast-erlu!= Faster! Mo Powah-!= More Power!
I know I'm going to get flamed. I'm ready! I can take it! (The Author closes her eyes and waits with gritted teeth.)