1/16/03

Today is Thursday. I really don't like Thursdays. I'm anxious to just sleep today and all through tomorrow, but I know I can't because school is still in session tomorrow. That is why I hate Thursdays. I want the weekend to come sooner. I love being at home; my home life is good. My parents are good to me and I love them. They sometimes cry because I won't talk to even them, but you see, losing a friend is one thing. Losing a parent is another. They tell me they love me no matter what, but even their love isn't unconditional.

Anyway... There was an interesting turn of events at school today.

There's a girl with short, dark, messy hair and glasses that consume most of her face. Naelia doesn't like her, but I suppose this girl thinks she does. Naelia always seems to patronize her. This girl, Carol, has a squeaky voice, and a long skinny face. She sits at our table when she and her best friend are in a fight. Actually, those fights happen quite often. So, she is becoming a regular at our little section of the long lunch table during first lunch. She is a girl who is firm in her beliefs and, though she tries to act defiant to impress Naelia, claiming she smokes, hates her elder sister, and hits her older sister when she annoys her, she is very obedient to her parents. Even Amelio can't compare to her in that field.

It started with Carol criticizing Naelia for swearing, which... this certain redhead does a lot. Naelia stopped in the middle of her sentence, glanced at her, smirked, and then sprinkled her next few conversational pieces with curses. Keep in mind that Carol is strongly offended by a lot of things, sometimes to an almost hypersensitive point.

Carol kept a calm and sophisticated manner about her words as she said, "I asked you nicely to please not swear."

Naelia looked at her with that grin and said. "Why the hell not?"

I figured it wasn't the word "hell" that bothered her, but the fact that Naelia was blatantly trying to get some sort of reaction out of Carol.

Carol lost that calm attitude in her voice, and squeaked out, "Stop it! I told you to stop!"

Naelia's attention was now solely on Carol. "Jesus Christ girl, settle down."

Well, once that was said Carol was bright red. From what I've gathered, Carol's parents are very faithful Christians. She's mentioned before that her household is very strict. There is absolutely no swearing tolerated in her household, and the worst possible cuss is to use "Jesus Christ" in the way Naelia did just then. There is some kind of list of rules in the Christian Bible that say not to use the Lord's name in vain. I learned that from a movie about a man, his name escapes me, who split a large body of water using a stick full of power that God gave to him to free slaves of Egyptians. I don't really remember what that movie is called. I used to think "using the Lord's name in vain" meant not to use God's name to start wars or do something bad. Carol says it's saying "Jesus!" or "God!" as a curse. I suppose I believe Carol more than myself. I don't have religion in my home, so I don't know much of anything about those topics. Well, anyway –

Carol screeched out at her. "Don't say that! At least not in front of me!"

"Settle down, settle down. Just let me ask you this, all knowing one." Nelia said sarcastically. "Why did God make his own name a curse. Or a better question is... How?" Carol was silent.

Danielle shook her head. "Here we go again."

Naelia started on a very long rant, which lasted to the end of lunch. She talked about everything from wars in God's name to the way the majority of the population interprets the bible as opposed to her interpretation. Carol was on the verge of tears the entire time, but towards the end, Naelia lightened up with a couple of little things like "But, I could be wrong. Maybe there is no God and there is no Satan. Or, for all I know, they do, and God really is all knowing and pure or whatever, ...and I'm just over thinking. Who knows?"

Carol just laughed. It was sort of a pointless argument in the end. Matt lightened up the atmosphere by saying they were both wrong and that monkeys wielding magical spoons created the world and rule human's souls secretly. Pei Ling said that angels are big robots that can't be destroyed by anything but other big robots made from their guts and skin, piloted by fourteen year-olds. I'm assuming that's some sort of Japanese cartoon plot. She practically jumped on top of Naelia chanting something like, "Naelia's a Satanic freak. La-la-la-la!" Naelia just smiled proudly.

Well anyway, I have a class with Naelia right after lunch. She made idle conversation with me, since I sit directly next to her in the second row, and then, she asked what I believed in. I felt sort of cornered by the question. I've never believed in much of anything. I believe evolution I suppose, but that's not a real religion. I suppose it is a belief, but it's a little late to make a note of that, as this happened earlier today, and I realized that only just now. I am such an idiot at times...

I just shrugged at her.

"You don't know?" she asked.

I was afraid I had offended her, but she just smiled. "Come on. Don't you wonder how the world was made?"

I paused for a while then nodded.

She grinned at me. "Did you know... my old church... the one Helen goes to, told me that people who don't make it a point of worshipping God go to hell? That church was messed up." She said, laughing. "Okay, well, maybe that's not exactly what they said... But they were all pretty crazy-obsessed for Lutherans anyway."

I shook my head. I never knew that. Am I going to hell? That's sort of scary.

"Do you believe there's a heaven?"

I nodded. I've always believed you go somewhere after you die, I guess.

She leaned back in her chair. "You should do some research on religion and stuff. I'm sure there's a name for whatever you believe. If you want, I can explain mine to you, but I think I've gone over that sort of stuff at lunch, right?"

I nodded.

I've been giving this some thought lately today. I'm not sure what to do. Do you have to have religion? Maybe some people just need it. Remember? "Everyone needs something to believe in" or something to turn to when they're in low spirits. I suppose I just turn to my pillow. It's the perfect thing to turn to when I'm sad and need to cry. I wonder if there's some sort of material religion. Maybe that's it. My stuffed animals are good company, and my pillow is a comfort.

Maybe not. I turn to myself when I'm sad. I have inner monologue that either makes me miserable or gleeful. But I don't think I worship myself. Maybe. I have this notebook diary thing to tell everything, but I don't worship that either.

Maybe my research should start with this question:

What elements are part of a religion?

I'll write again, as soon as possible.

Alysa