Part 3
"Almost done."
Daniel nods ever so slightly, too busy soaking up Carter and Teal'c wrapped around him to care about me waving a razor around his face. I think he especially likes it when Teal'c squeezes him together with someone else. Something about the sheer strength must be reassuring.
"Hold still, Daniel." I'm doing the delicate part on his throat now, and he freezes obediently. Daniel desperate for physical contact I can accept, mostly because I like touching him so much, but Daniel compliant and near- mindless is really starting to bug me. There's no fire in him any more.
We've done this before, the shaving thing. It's an intimacy that he suggested, actually. He said that he used to wash Sha're's hair, and he always remembered the trust and affection of doing a simple, personal thing like that for someone else. I thought it was a little weird until he finally talked me around, and then it turned into this almost ritualistic experience with a lot of touching skin and fingertips tracing over his face. He was right about the trust thing. When he just tilted his head back and closed his eyes, it floored me that he would give up total control to me in that way.
Then, it was a conscious choice that he made, but now, it's dependence. He's letting me do this because I've told him to, and because he's being held. I get the feeling he'd let anyone do this, and that robs the whole thing of its value.
Daniel jerks slightly, and I draw back, seeing a bead of blood welling up on his neck. It's a tiny cut, but he's staring at me like I tried to kill him.
"Dammit," I mutter. "Sorry, Daniel. Let me get that..."
I lift a bit of tissue to blot the cut, but he catches my hand, his fingers bruisingly tight on my wrist. He leans to one side so he can see himself in the mirror behind me, and then lets my hand go. He's reaching trembling fingers to touch the bit of blood, smearing it with the shaving cream and leaving a trail of pinkish foam.
"Daniel?" Carter asks. "It's okay. It's just a little cut."
He's staring at the blood on his finger, tilting it back and forth to catch that dull, wet gleam in the light. "Real," he whispers.
Something about the way he said that makes my stomach go cold. "Daniel? Hey, you with us?"
He lifts wide, shocked eyes to meet mine. "Jack? Am I... I'm really home? This is real?"
"Oh, Daniel," Carter says, biting her lip.
"Yes," I tell him. "Yes, it's real. You're really home."
"This is real?" he asks again, and dabs the blood between his thumb and forefinger. He presses the back of his hand against the cut and winces a little as the shaving cream gets into it and stings. "This is real. Real. Oh God... oh..."
I grab his hands and get between them, making him focus on my face. He's alarmingly pale, and I get the feeling that Teal'c and Carter are keeping him upright. "Daniel! Hey, come on... right here... look at me. I want you to take some deep breaths with me, okay? Watch me... in, hold it, out... there you go..."
He follows along for a few breaths, and then his face twists and crumples and he lurches forward, trying to grab me and drag the others with him. I drop the razor and catch him, feeling the smear of shaving cream against my neck. Doesn't matter. It's like Daniel was in a dream world until now, and he's only just become fully present. He even feels more solid in my arms.
"Thought... crazy... dead again... oh God oh God, *home,* really really home..."
"Shhhh," Carter murmurs, rocking the four of us back and forth, her hands petting his back. "Hush, Daniel, you're all right... we've got you..."
"You will be well again, Daniel," Teal'c says, and I look at him sharply. He almost never uses Daniel's first name alone. He meets my eyes with immeasurable sadness, and my stomach shudders. I get the feeling he doesn't believe his own words.
And he should know, shouldn't he? He's the one that's seen this done before. But no, and no, and no again. I refuse to believe that Daniel is lost to us forever. If anyone can beat this, he can.
He feels small and broken in the middle of us, crying so hard that he might fly apart if we weren't holding him together. It's crazy, really--the four of us in the tiny bathroom, all getting spotted with shaving cream and tears and mumbling nonsense back and forth. Daniel keeps going on about dreams and crazy and begging us to tell him it's real, and the rest of us are trying our best to reassure him. I feel like I'm in a movie, like this can't really happen in real life. I want to look around from the camera and then get between it and Daniel, because nobody but us deserves to see him like this. Nobody else has earned the right to be this close.
Our Daniel. *My* Daniel, and if that's possessive, so be it. Nobody takes him from me.
He's tapering off now, nearly asleep on his feet, and I start tugging us out of the bathroom. He needs to get back to bed.
Daniel moves with us until we get to the doorway and Teal'c has to let go to make us fit through. "No!" he says sharply, trying to cling to all of us at once. "Don't let go don't don't please..."
"We won't let go," I say, overpowering his frantic chanting. "Breathe with me, Daniel. Remember that? With me... there you go..."
It takes a lot of shared breathing and slow, shuffling steps, but we get him back on the bed, sandwiched between Carter and I. I'm clinging to one edge of the bed and Carter has an elbow on the side table, but we fit. Teal'c looks a little left out, but accepts it gracefully, moving to the foot of the bed and standing guard. I make a mental note to see about getting a bigger bed in here. In the meantime, Teal'c always seems to make sure he's standing where Daniel can see him, which has a reassurance value all its own. Nothing like knowing there's a former first prime standing between you and anyone who means you harm.
Daniel is almost finished with the crying for now--down to sniffles and long, shuddery sighs, his chest still hitching now and then. He keeps burying his head against my neck and taking these deep breaths, like he's trying to catch my scent. I think he even tastes me a little.
"Jack," he sighs, his whole body loosening and slumping against mine. "Jack, Sam, Teal'c. Stay with me... stay..."
"We'll stay." I press a kiss into his hair, not caring if the other two see. I think they knew about us anyway.
"Go to sleep, Daniel," Carter says, rubbing his back again. "You're safe."
"We will insure no harm comes to you, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c has an expression that says that anyone who does try to harm Daniel will rue the day, and Daniel relaxes a little more when he sees it. Considering their history, it's amazing that Teal'c can make him feel safe simply by being here.
Daniel has only been awake for a few hours, but he's still weak, and he's drifting off again. To be fair, I'm pretty tired myself. It's been a rough morning. Carter has her face hidden in Daniel's back, and I'm pretty sure she's crying, but I'm not going to say anything. I'd do it too if the rest of the team weren't here. Instead, I settle for occasional chaste kisses against Daniel's forehead, and I rest my eyes a little. Just for a minute.
~~~
"Colonel, wake up."
"Hmm?" I lift my head and blink a few times. Fraiser is leaning over me, but the bed is too big and comfortable to be an infirmary bed. Big, comfortable, and apparently shared by Daniel and my 2IC. What the hell...
"Daniel needs to eat again," Fraiser says patiently. "Sorry to wake you."
"Eat?" I wrinkle my nose and rub my face against the pillow, trying to clear my head. What about Daniel eating? He's... oh. OH. Right.
Was nice to forget for a minute.
"Carter," I hiss, shaking the bed a little. "You up?"
"Yes, sir," she says in a clearly sleeping voice.
"It's feeding time."
"Yes, sir."
When she doesn't move, I shake the bed again. "Carter!"
"What?" She shifts, mumbles, and then I hear her catch her breath in a long 'oh' of understanding. "I mean, uh, what, sir?"
Fraiser is trying not to laugh at us. I put on a dignified face, which is difficult when I'm snuggled in a puppy pile with my archeologist and an Air Force Major with bed head.
"Daniel?" I nudge him a little, squeezing too-thin ribs with my arms, which are still conveniently wrapped around him. He squeezes back, but I think he's still asleep. I frown up at the doc. "Shouldn't we let him rest?"
"I'm afraid not, Colonel," she says firmly. "We need to replace the lost weight as quickly as possible. Complications from infection and arrhythmia are still a very real threat, and since I see you've taken it upon yourself to remove his IV drip..."
I wince and cast a guilty look at the IV pole, standing forgotten in a corner. "Yeah, well... it was getting in the way. We meant to hook it back up after we got him shaved, but, um... there were complications."
Fraiser's eyes sharpen, and go unerringly to Daniel's face, still puffy from all the crying and coated with sticky shaving cream residue. "Colonel?"
"He had a breakthrough, Janet," Carter says, bailing me out. She sits up in the bed, easing away from Daniel but keeping a hand on his shoulder. He mutters and wriggles closer to me.
"What sort of breakthrough?"
"He thought... he didn't realize that he was really home. I think he believed that he was dreaming, or that he had lost his mind. Then he got a little shaving cut, and... I don't know." Carter pauses, frowning down at the sheets as she tries to puzzle it out.
"Daniel Jackson knew that he would never be hurt in his dream," Teal'c says. "If this were a fantasy, there would be no pain or blood."
Carter brightens. "Yes, that's it exactly. Thank you, Teal'c. Anyway, once it finally sank in that he was really home, he..." She looks uncertainly at me, and I'm suddenly aware that I'm glowering at her. Daniel had every right to lose it like that, but the world doesn't need to know.
"Colonel," Fraiser says gently. "I know you want to protect Daniel, but I'm only trying to give him the best medical care possible. To do that, I need to have all the information."
I take a deep, slow breath. Come on, O'Neill. This is Fraiser, and she loves Daniel just as much as the rest of us. Besides, she already saw him flip out in the infirmary when he first woke up, and if you'll remember, she was the one that chased away everyone who wanted to stare at him. No reason to shut her out now.
"Right," I say. "Sorry. He just broke down for a while, that's all. We got him back in the bed and he fell asleep again."
"Did he vomit or pass out?"
I shake my head. "Nope. Cried a lot, got tired, fell asleep."
She nods and offers a conciliatory smile. "I know it must be difficult for all of you to see him like this. I know how you feel, actually. It's important that we work together to help him recover."
"Indeed," Teal'c adds, and Fraiser gives him a grateful look.
"Now," she says briskly. "Wake him up and we'll see if we can get him to eat again."
Daniel's been sleeping through the whole conversation going on over his head, so I forego trying to talk to him and just pat his face a few times. His forehead wrinkles in that 'go away, I'm sleeping' way that I've seen so many times, under much more pleasant circumstances, and I can't help smiling. I catch myself before I kiss his hair again, though. Can't use sleepiness as an excuse this time.
"Daniel," Carter says. She starts shaking his shoulder a bit. "Come on, Daniel. Don't you want to eat?"
He makes a low grumbling sound, but his eyes crack open, red-rimmed blue, clouded and confused. "Jack?"
"Right here. You awake?"
"No."
Carter's lips twitch, and she moves to stand up, stretching her arms over her head.
"No!" Daniel yelps, grabbing for her, and then pressing back against me. "Don't, don't... stay with me..."
Carter starts to get back on the bed, but the doc holds her still. "Let him wake up little, and he'll realize that the Colonel is still with him," she says.
It looks like she's right, because Daniel's breathing smoothes out and his grip on me loosens a bit after a few seconds. He lifts his head slowly, a strange look on his face. It's like he can't meet any of our eyes.
"Daniel?"
He shakes his head at me. "Sorry."
Okay, not good. "Nothing to be sorry for."
Daniel glances around the room, his face flushing a bit as he sees us all staring at him. He focuses on the way we're wrapped together in the bed in front of everyone, and ducks his head again. "Um... I know I'm being... weird."
"Your behavior is no fault of your own," Teal'c says. He's actually smiling down at Daniel. I've seen him look at Rya'c that way.
"I know there's no reason for me to... I mean... the whole, uh, touching thing. I know it's not... I know that."
Fraiser raises an eyebrow. "So you're saying that you realize you're safe here, and that being in contact with the team isn't necessary for your continued safety?"
He nods. "Yes, that."
There's no way this is going to be that easy. "Okay," I say dubiously. "Then you won't mind if I..." And I start to pull back, loosening my grip around him.
Daniel grits his teeth and lets me draw back, but before I lose contact with him completely, he caves and clings to me again, shaking violently. "Don't," he whispers. "I'm sorry, but I can't. Sorry... just can't, please don't go..."
"Okay, okay... easy now... I shouldn't have done that." I'm rubbing his back, rocking him back and forth awkwardly--he may be thin, but he's no child--and trying to avoid Carter's accusatory look. Yeah, I know he wasn't ready for that. The point is that now he knows it, too. But still, I can't help thinking this is a good thing. At least he knows, rationally, that there's no reason to be afraid.
"Don't know what's wrong with me," he says into my shirt. "I know I shouldn't need this... know they're not here..."
"Who is not here?" Teal'c is leaning forward, and I can see him mentally dismembering anyone Daniel names. Anyone.
"Them." He shudders and falls quiet. I can feel his breath in hot, erratic little puffs against my neck.
"Do you remember what happened to you?" Carter asks gently.
Daniel doesn't answer, just burrows against me and tugs at my shirt like he wants to get between it and my skin. He's shaking his head, and I can feel his breathing getting faster, catching in his throat.
"Too soon, Major," I tell her. "He's not ready to talk about it yet."
She nods quickly. "Yes, sir. I... sorry, Daniel."
"S'okay. I'm fine."
Yeah, that was convincing.
Fraiser leans over and pats his shoulder, slowly drawing him away from me. He's doing his best to cooperate, he really is, but I can feel him twitching and shivering. I move with him, so that he can sit up and eat and still be close to me, and some of his tension eases.
"How are you feeling, Daniel?"
Daniel looks up at the doc, helpless. "I... I don't even... I'm not sure where to start."
She smiles, soft-eyed and affectionate. "Let's start with the physical side. Are you hungry?"
He hunches his shoulders and looks around sharply, his bony back pressing into me. I hear him gulp for air several times before he gets the reaction under control.
"Daniel?" I try to catch his eye.
"Um... sorry." He's looking down again, plucking nervously at my sleeves where my wrists cross over his belly.
"Was that the wrong thing to say?" Fraiser asks.
He shrugs. "They, uh... they played games with food. If I asked... if I said I wanted it... I wasn't supposed to. I mean... if they told me to, it was okay, but I wasn't supposed to..."
"Let me guess," I interrupt. "If you said you wanted it, you didn't get it, and if you said you didn't want it, you didn't get it. And if you didn't answer, you were punished for that, and you still didn't get the food. Is that how it worked?"
He twists around in my arms to stare at me, his mouth hanging open. I slip a finger under his jaw and push upward, and he closes his mouth and swallows. "How... you weren't there?"
I don't think he realizes that he made that a question. "It's a pretty standard 'screw with your head' technique, Daniel. I wasn't there, but I've seen my share of prisons."
"Prison," he echoes. "Was that what it was?"
"You were a prisoner of war," Carter tells him. "What they did to you was intended to hurt you, and to hurt all of us. None of it was within your control and none of it was your fault. You've been conditioned to behave this way."
Daniel swallows again, and squeezes his eyes shut, twisting so he can hide his face against my shoulder. "Sorry," he mumbles. "I don't mean to... sorry I'm so messed up. I'm really trying not to..."
"Don't fight it so hard. It's okay to be messed up, Daniel. Anyone would be after what you went through. I would be."
He looks at me through watery eyes, and I can't help cupping his face, slipping the pads of my thumbs over his cheeks. "You would?" he asks.
"I was," I say quietly. "It takes time, but things do get better. Trust me on that one."
There is an awkward silence in the room as Daniel's eyes threaten to spill over again, and then Fraiser steps in and gives us a distraction.
"We won't be playing any games with your food, Daniel," she says firmly. "But I do need to know if you're feeling hungry, because overfeeding you will only make you sick. If the thought of eating is unpleasant to you, then you probably shouldn't do it."
"I... I don't know..." Daniel shivers again and hunches over, rubbing at his abdomen. "I feel all shaky. I just..." He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, biting his lip.
"I understand that you're upset, and it's affecting your appetite. Why don't you just try a little bit, and see how you feel about it?"
He nods and reaches out blindly, palm up and eyes still tightly shut. I can see his throat moving as he swallows, a muscle snapping in his jaw. He's trying so very hard not to fall apart in front of us, but it's a losing battle.
"Hold it, doc." I catch the bowl of banana slices and push it back. "If he tries to eat anything right now, he probably *will* be sick. We need to get him relaxed first."
Daniel's lip quivers, and he bites it hard, shaking his head. "I'm fine."
"It's just overwhelming, right? You feel like you're being pulled in a million different directions, like you can't think and you want to do what's expected of you, but it's so hard. You're embarrassed and angry and confused, and if anyone pushes you the slightest bit, you think you'll just shatter."
Everyone is staring at me, but I ignore it as best I can, watching Daniel. He meets my eyes tentatively, sucking in a quick breath and biting it down before it can turn into a sob. "How...?"
"Been there, Danny."
He's shaking his head rapidly, looking around the room like he's going to find some magic button to push and make things better. "I... it's just so much... I'll be fine in a minute. Just need a minute..."
Carter is already crying for him. "Let go, Daniel," she says.
"I think I've cried enough," he snaps, grinding his knuckles into the wasted muscles of his thighs.
"Daniel Jackson," Teal'c says sharply. "I have seen victims of such torture before, and you are stronger than any of them have been. There is no shame in losing control when it has been deliberately taken from you."
That seems to be what Daniel needs, because he finally loses the fight and crumples against me. His voice is nearly gone, the sobs coming out in high, reedy whispers of air, racking his bony chest. His hands clench and release on my shirt, over and over, threading the material through his fingers as if reassuring himself that it's still there.
"Hey, uh, guys," I pause and clear my throat. My voice did not just crack. It didn't. "Do you think you could maybe give us a little time? Say ten minutes?"
Teal'c nods immediately and Carter follows suit a little slower, sad eyes trained on Daniel's shaking back. Fraiser frowns down at her tray of food, but leaves grudgingly, tapping her watch and raising an eyebrow. Yeah, doc, I get it. Ten minutes.
Just enough time for me to get this cracking voice thing under control.
"Daniel," I whisper when they're gone. So much I want to say, and that's all that comes out. "Daniel. Oh, Daniel."
"Sorry," he chokes out. "Sorry, sorry... can't stop..."
"Not your fault." I'm growling at him, grinding my teeth together. I remember being in a pyramid--excuse me, ziggurat--with him and that Russian team, and finding out how old Marduk bought it, the slow way, in the sarcophagus with that thing eating him. I want to do that to every single one of those rat-bastards who did this to him. I want to watch. Want to hear their screams.
"Jack," he protests, squirming weakly.
"It's okay," I tell him, my voice numb and far away. I can almost hear them crying for help, begging to be let out. My face stretches, stings, and I realize I'm grinning.
"Ow." Wheezing, more ineffectual wiggling.
I hear real pain in his voice this time, and it slaps me out of that grim, violent little fantasy. God, I'm squeezing him hard enough to hurt, maybe hard enough to crack some of those weakened ribs. I let go quickly, but he's having none of that, yanking my arms close again and wailing low in his throat.
"Sorry, sorry, oh God, Daniel, are you all right? Didn't mean to hurt you. You okay?"
"Don't let go," he says. "Want it to hurt. Want to feel you holding me. Don't let go."
That's what does it for me, knowing he's so desperate to be held that he doesn't care if it hurts, that he *wants* the pain so he knows for sure I'm there. That's the last straw. The next thing I know his shirt is getting as wet as mine, and I don't care. I've been scared out of my mind for six weeks over him, only to get back this hurt, broken version of my Daniel. Nobody is watching. I need this.
He calms down first, perhaps lacking the strength to keep up such intense emotions for very long. For a while, he's holding me, rocking us on the bed, stroking me all over. His hands seem hungry for the feel of me-- they're in my hair, sliding over my face, kneading the muscles of my back and arms. He gets in under my shirt and makes a low, pleased sound, taking deep breaths of the hollow of my shoulder.
"Daniel," I say. "Daniel. Missed you so much. I thought... God, I thought..."
"I'm okay. I'm home, I'm okay. Home, okay, home... Jack..."
We're both babbling like idiots, and I don't know which of us is comforting the other, but I guess it doesn't matter. My guts filled up with frozen spikes when I heard what had been done to him, when I saw the damage with my own eyes, and they're only now starting to thaw. I hope vaguely that I can get myself under control before the others come back in, but it's not important. My world is very simple right now. Daniel, breathing, safe, a little bent, a little battered, but alive. That's about all there is to it.
"Jack?"
"Yeah. It's okay, Daniel."
"Not really."
I look at him sharply. He meets my stare with one of his own, angry again, his mouth a hard line. "I hate what they did to me," he says. "I hate how weak they've made me."
"Not your fault."
"So you keep saying. You know what I just thought of?" He smiles a little, a thin curving of his lips that doesn't touch his glittering eyes.
"What's that?"
"I thought that I wanted to kiss you. I saw your face so close, so sad for me, so angry with them, and I thought--'I love him, and I want to kiss him.' And then I remembered what they did... what they made me do... and I got scared. Afraid to kiss you, to touch you. They took you away from me, and I *hate* that."
Oh, Daniel. I open my mouth, but I don't know what to say. I don't have any magic wand that can fix all this. I can't say the perfect words that will make Daniel whole again. God, I wish I could.
"Sir?" Carter's voice comes through the door, high and worried.
"Yeah," I say. "Yeah, come in. We're okay."
Daniel just looks at me. We're not okay. We're so not okay.
Carter, Teal'c, and Fraiser come in, the doc immediately veering toward the bed and the side table where her tray still sits. She casts an assessing look over both of us, and I find myself scrubbing at my face with my shirtsleeve. She pretends not to notice. Kind woman, Fraiser.
"Daniel?" she asks. "Any better?"
He takes a deep breath and turns to sit with me more comfortably, falling naturally against my chest, my legs spread to either side of his. "Some," he says. "I think... I think I'd like to eat now."
Fraiser beams at him, and at me by association. "That's great," she says. "Take it slow, and if you feel nauseous, don't force it. Vomiting will only cause you to lose precious fluids."
Daniel nods and casts a plaintive look at Carter. She immediately steps forward, perching on the edge of the bed and holding the tray so he can eat without losing full body contact with me. For this, she gets the first real, shining smile I've seen from him since this whole mess started.
He eats as he did before, ravenously, but with a thin edge of control. When Fraiser cautions him to keep it slow, he doesn't cower against me this time, but simply nods and slows down. I let my head rest against his back and close my eyes for a long moment, feeling his heartbeat beneath my cheek. Carter and Fraiser are talking--something about electrolytes and potassium levels in Daniel's blood, and Teal'c rumbles something else, but it doesn't matter.
We're not okay, but I think we might get there.
~~~
"Almost done."
Daniel nods ever so slightly, too busy soaking up Carter and Teal'c wrapped around him to care about me waving a razor around his face. I think he especially likes it when Teal'c squeezes him together with someone else. Something about the sheer strength must be reassuring.
"Hold still, Daniel." I'm doing the delicate part on his throat now, and he freezes obediently. Daniel desperate for physical contact I can accept, mostly because I like touching him so much, but Daniel compliant and near- mindless is really starting to bug me. There's no fire in him any more.
We've done this before, the shaving thing. It's an intimacy that he suggested, actually. He said that he used to wash Sha're's hair, and he always remembered the trust and affection of doing a simple, personal thing like that for someone else. I thought it was a little weird until he finally talked me around, and then it turned into this almost ritualistic experience with a lot of touching skin and fingertips tracing over his face. He was right about the trust thing. When he just tilted his head back and closed his eyes, it floored me that he would give up total control to me in that way.
Then, it was a conscious choice that he made, but now, it's dependence. He's letting me do this because I've told him to, and because he's being held. I get the feeling he'd let anyone do this, and that robs the whole thing of its value.
Daniel jerks slightly, and I draw back, seeing a bead of blood welling up on his neck. It's a tiny cut, but he's staring at me like I tried to kill him.
"Dammit," I mutter. "Sorry, Daniel. Let me get that..."
I lift a bit of tissue to blot the cut, but he catches my hand, his fingers bruisingly tight on my wrist. He leans to one side so he can see himself in the mirror behind me, and then lets my hand go. He's reaching trembling fingers to touch the bit of blood, smearing it with the shaving cream and leaving a trail of pinkish foam.
"Daniel?" Carter asks. "It's okay. It's just a little cut."
He's staring at the blood on his finger, tilting it back and forth to catch that dull, wet gleam in the light. "Real," he whispers.
Something about the way he said that makes my stomach go cold. "Daniel? Hey, you with us?"
He lifts wide, shocked eyes to meet mine. "Jack? Am I... I'm really home? This is real?"
"Oh, Daniel," Carter says, biting her lip.
"Yes," I tell him. "Yes, it's real. You're really home."
"This is real?" he asks again, and dabs the blood between his thumb and forefinger. He presses the back of his hand against the cut and winces a little as the shaving cream gets into it and stings. "This is real. Real. Oh God... oh..."
I grab his hands and get between them, making him focus on my face. He's alarmingly pale, and I get the feeling that Teal'c and Carter are keeping him upright. "Daniel! Hey, come on... right here... look at me. I want you to take some deep breaths with me, okay? Watch me... in, hold it, out... there you go..."
He follows along for a few breaths, and then his face twists and crumples and he lurches forward, trying to grab me and drag the others with him. I drop the razor and catch him, feeling the smear of shaving cream against my neck. Doesn't matter. It's like Daniel was in a dream world until now, and he's only just become fully present. He even feels more solid in my arms.
"Thought... crazy... dead again... oh God oh God, *home,* really really home..."
"Shhhh," Carter murmurs, rocking the four of us back and forth, her hands petting his back. "Hush, Daniel, you're all right... we've got you..."
"You will be well again, Daniel," Teal'c says, and I look at him sharply. He almost never uses Daniel's first name alone. He meets my eyes with immeasurable sadness, and my stomach shudders. I get the feeling he doesn't believe his own words.
And he should know, shouldn't he? He's the one that's seen this done before. But no, and no, and no again. I refuse to believe that Daniel is lost to us forever. If anyone can beat this, he can.
He feels small and broken in the middle of us, crying so hard that he might fly apart if we weren't holding him together. It's crazy, really--the four of us in the tiny bathroom, all getting spotted with shaving cream and tears and mumbling nonsense back and forth. Daniel keeps going on about dreams and crazy and begging us to tell him it's real, and the rest of us are trying our best to reassure him. I feel like I'm in a movie, like this can't really happen in real life. I want to look around from the camera and then get between it and Daniel, because nobody but us deserves to see him like this. Nobody else has earned the right to be this close.
Our Daniel. *My* Daniel, and if that's possessive, so be it. Nobody takes him from me.
He's tapering off now, nearly asleep on his feet, and I start tugging us out of the bathroom. He needs to get back to bed.
Daniel moves with us until we get to the doorway and Teal'c has to let go to make us fit through. "No!" he says sharply, trying to cling to all of us at once. "Don't let go don't don't please..."
"We won't let go," I say, overpowering his frantic chanting. "Breathe with me, Daniel. Remember that? With me... there you go..."
It takes a lot of shared breathing and slow, shuffling steps, but we get him back on the bed, sandwiched between Carter and I. I'm clinging to one edge of the bed and Carter has an elbow on the side table, but we fit. Teal'c looks a little left out, but accepts it gracefully, moving to the foot of the bed and standing guard. I make a mental note to see about getting a bigger bed in here. In the meantime, Teal'c always seems to make sure he's standing where Daniel can see him, which has a reassurance value all its own. Nothing like knowing there's a former first prime standing between you and anyone who means you harm.
Daniel is almost finished with the crying for now--down to sniffles and long, shuddery sighs, his chest still hitching now and then. He keeps burying his head against my neck and taking these deep breaths, like he's trying to catch my scent. I think he even tastes me a little.
"Jack," he sighs, his whole body loosening and slumping against mine. "Jack, Sam, Teal'c. Stay with me... stay..."
"We'll stay." I press a kiss into his hair, not caring if the other two see. I think they knew about us anyway.
"Go to sleep, Daniel," Carter says, rubbing his back again. "You're safe."
"We will insure no harm comes to you, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c has an expression that says that anyone who does try to harm Daniel will rue the day, and Daniel relaxes a little more when he sees it. Considering their history, it's amazing that Teal'c can make him feel safe simply by being here.
Daniel has only been awake for a few hours, but he's still weak, and he's drifting off again. To be fair, I'm pretty tired myself. It's been a rough morning. Carter has her face hidden in Daniel's back, and I'm pretty sure she's crying, but I'm not going to say anything. I'd do it too if the rest of the team weren't here. Instead, I settle for occasional chaste kisses against Daniel's forehead, and I rest my eyes a little. Just for a minute.
~~~
"Colonel, wake up."
"Hmm?" I lift my head and blink a few times. Fraiser is leaning over me, but the bed is too big and comfortable to be an infirmary bed. Big, comfortable, and apparently shared by Daniel and my 2IC. What the hell...
"Daniel needs to eat again," Fraiser says patiently. "Sorry to wake you."
"Eat?" I wrinkle my nose and rub my face against the pillow, trying to clear my head. What about Daniel eating? He's... oh. OH. Right.
Was nice to forget for a minute.
"Carter," I hiss, shaking the bed a little. "You up?"
"Yes, sir," she says in a clearly sleeping voice.
"It's feeding time."
"Yes, sir."
When she doesn't move, I shake the bed again. "Carter!"
"What?" She shifts, mumbles, and then I hear her catch her breath in a long 'oh' of understanding. "I mean, uh, what, sir?"
Fraiser is trying not to laugh at us. I put on a dignified face, which is difficult when I'm snuggled in a puppy pile with my archeologist and an Air Force Major with bed head.
"Daniel?" I nudge him a little, squeezing too-thin ribs with my arms, which are still conveniently wrapped around him. He squeezes back, but I think he's still asleep. I frown up at the doc. "Shouldn't we let him rest?"
"I'm afraid not, Colonel," she says firmly. "We need to replace the lost weight as quickly as possible. Complications from infection and arrhythmia are still a very real threat, and since I see you've taken it upon yourself to remove his IV drip..."
I wince and cast a guilty look at the IV pole, standing forgotten in a corner. "Yeah, well... it was getting in the way. We meant to hook it back up after we got him shaved, but, um... there were complications."
Fraiser's eyes sharpen, and go unerringly to Daniel's face, still puffy from all the crying and coated with sticky shaving cream residue. "Colonel?"
"He had a breakthrough, Janet," Carter says, bailing me out. She sits up in the bed, easing away from Daniel but keeping a hand on his shoulder. He mutters and wriggles closer to me.
"What sort of breakthrough?"
"He thought... he didn't realize that he was really home. I think he believed that he was dreaming, or that he had lost his mind. Then he got a little shaving cut, and... I don't know." Carter pauses, frowning down at the sheets as she tries to puzzle it out.
"Daniel Jackson knew that he would never be hurt in his dream," Teal'c says. "If this were a fantasy, there would be no pain or blood."
Carter brightens. "Yes, that's it exactly. Thank you, Teal'c. Anyway, once it finally sank in that he was really home, he..." She looks uncertainly at me, and I'm suddenly aware that I'm glowering at her. Daniel had every right to lose it like that, but the world doesn't need to know.
"Colonel," Fraiser says gently. "I know you want to protect Daniel, but I'm only trying to give him the best medical care possible. To do that, I need to have all the information."
I take a deep, slow breath. Come on, O'Neill. This is Fraiser, and she loves Daniel just as much as the rest of us. Besides, she already saw him flip out in the infirmary when he first woke up, and if you'll remember, she was the one that chased away everyone who wanted to stare at him. No reason to shut her out now.
"Right," I say. "Sorry. He just broke down for a while, that's all. We got him back in the bed and he fell asleep again."
"Did he vomit or pass out?"
I shake my head. "Nope. Cried a lot, got tired, fell asleep."
She nods and offers a conciliatory smile. "I know it must be difficult for all of you to see him like this. I know how you feel, actually. It's important that we work together to help him recover."
"Indeed," Teal'c adds, and Fraiser gives him a grateful look.
"Now," she says briskly. "Wake him up and we'll see if we can get him to eat again."
Daniel's been sleeping through the whole conversation going on over his head, so I forego trying to talk to him and just pat his face a few times. His forehead wrinkles in that 'go away, I'm sleeping' way that I've seen so many times, under much more pleasant circumstances, and I can't help smiling. I catch myself before I kiss his hair again, though. Can't use sleepiness as an excuse this time.
"Daniel," Carter says. She starts shaking his shoulder a bit. "Come on, Daniel. Don't you want to eat?"
He makes a low grumbling sound, but his eyes crack open, red-rimmed blue, clouded and confused. "Jack?"
"Right here. You awake?"
"No."
Carter's lips twitch, and she moves to stand up, stretching her arms over her head.
"No!" Daniel yelps, grabbing for her, and then pressing back against me. "Don't, don't... stay with me..."
Carter starts to get back on the bed, but the doc holds her still. "Let him wake up little, and he'll realize that the Colonel is still with him," she says.
It looks like she's right, because Daniel's breathing smoothes out and his grip on me loosens a bit after a few seconds. He lifts his head slowly, a strange look on his face. It's like he can't meet any of our eyes.
"Daniel?"
He shakes his head at me. "Sorry."
Okay, not good. "Nothing to be sorry for."
Daniel glances around the room, his face flushing a bit as he sees us all staring at him. He focuses on the way we're wrapped together in the bed in front of everyone, and ducks his head again. "Um... I know I'm being... weird."
"Your behavior is no fault of your own," Teal'c says. He's actually smiling down at Daniel. I've seen him look at Rya'c that way.
"I know there's no reason for me to... I mean... the whole, uh, touching thing. I know it's not... I know that."
Fraiser raises an eyebrow. "So you're saying that you realize you're safe here, and that being in contact with the team isn't necessary for your continued safety?"
He nods. "Yes, that."
There's no way this is going to be that easy. "Okay," I say dubiously. "Then you won't mind if I..." And I start to pull back, loosening my grip around him.
Daniel grits his teeth and lets me draw back, but before I lose contact with him completely, he caves and clings to me again, shaking violently. "Don't," he whispers. "I'm sorry, but I can't. Sorry... just can't, please don't go..."
"Okay, okay... easy now... I shouldn't have done that." I'm rubbing his back, rocking him back and forth awkwardly--he may be thin, but he's no child--and trying to avoid Carter's accusatory look. Yeah, I know he wasn't ready for that. The point is that now he knows it, too. But still, I can't help thinking this is a good thing. At least he knows, rationally, that there's no reason to be afraid.
"Don't know what's wrong with me," he says into my shirt. "I know I shouldn't need this... know they're not here..."
"Who is not here?" Teal'c is leaning forward, and I can see him mentally dismembering anyone Daniel names. Anyone.
"Them." He shudders and falls quiet. I can feel his breath in hot, erratic little puffs against my neck.
"Do you remember what happened to you?" Carter asks gently.
Daniel doesn't answer, just burrows against me and tugs at my shirt like he wants to get between it and my skin. He's shaking his head, and I can feel his breathing getting faster, catching in his throat.
"Too soon, Major," I tell her. "He's not ready to talk about it yet."
She nods quickly. "Yes, sir. I... sorry, Daniel."
"S'okay. I'm fine."
Yeah, that was convincing.
Fraiser leans over and pats his shoulder, slowly drawing him away from me. He's doing his best to cooperate, he really is, but I can feel him twitching and shivering. I move with him, so that he can sit up and eat and still be close to me, and some of his tension eases.
"How are you feeling, Daniel?"
Daniel looks up at the doc, helpless. "I... I don't even... I'm not sure where to start."
She smiles, soft-eyed and affectionate. "Let's start with the physical side. Are you hungry?"
He hunches his shoulders and looks around sharply, his bony back pressing into me. I hear him gulp for air several times before he gets the reaction under control.
"Daniel?" I try to catch his eye.
"Um... sorry." He's looking down again, plucking nervously at my sleeves where my wrists cross over his belly.
"Was that the wrong thing to say?" Fraiser asks.
He shrugs. "They, uh... they played games with food. If I asked... if I said I wanted it... I wasn't supposed to. I mean... if they told me to, it was okay, but I wasn't supposed to..."
"Let me guess," I interrupt. "If you said you wanted it, you didn't get it, and if you said you didn't want it, you didn't get it. And if you didn't answer, you were punished for that, and you still didn't get the food. Is that how it worked?"
He twists around in my arms to stare at me, his mouth hanging open. I slip a finger under his jaw and push upward, and he closes his mouth and swallows. "How... you weren't there?"
I don't think he realizes that he made that a question. "It's a pretty standard 'screw with your head' technique, Daniel. I wasn't there, but I've seen my share of prisons."
"Prison," he echoes. "Was that what it was?"
"You were a prisoner of war," Carter tells him. "What they did to you was intended to hurt you, and to hurt all of us. None of it was within your control and none of it was your fault. You've been conditioned to behave this way."
Daniel swallows again, and squeezes his eyes shut, twisting so he can hide his face against my shoulder. "Sorry," he mumbles. "I don't mean to... sorry I'm so messed up. I'm really trying not to..."
"Don't fight it so hard. It's okay to be messed up, Daniel. Anyone would be after what you went through. I would be."
He looks at me through watery eyes, and I can't help cupping his face, slipping the pads of my thumbs over his cheeks. "You would?" he asks.
"I was," I say quietly. "It takes time, but things do get better. Trust me on that one."
There is an awkward silence in the room as Daniel's eyes threaten to spill over again, and then Fraiser steps in and gives us a distraction.
"We won't be playing any games with your food, Daniel," she says firmly. "But I do need to know if you're feeling hungry, because overfeeding you will only make you sick. If the thought of eating is unpleasant to you, then you probably shouldn't do it."
"I... I don't know..." Daniel shivers again and hunches over, rubbing at his abdomen. "I feel all shaky. I just..." He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, biting his lip.
"I understand that you're upset, and it's affecting your appetite. Why don't you just try a little bit, and see how you feel about it?"
He nods and reaches out blindly, palm up and eyes still tightly shut. I can see his throat moving as he swallows, a muscle snapping in his jaw. He's trying so very hard not to fall apart in front of us, but it's a losing battle.
"Hold it, doc." I catch the bowl of banana slices and push it back. "If he tries to eat anything right now, he probably *will* be sick. We need to get him relaxed first."
Daniel's lip quivers, and he bites it hard, shaking his head. "I'm fine."
"It's just overwhelming, right? You feel like you're being pulled in a million different directions, like you can't think and you want to do what's expected of you, but it's so hard. You're embarrassed and angry and confused, and if anyone pushes you the slightest bit, you think you'll just shatter."
Everyone is staring at me, but I ignore it as best I can, watching Daniel. He meets my eyes tentatively, sucking in a quick breath and biting it down before it can turn into a sob. "How...?"
"Been there, Danny."
He's shaking his head rapidly, looking around the room like he's going to find some magic button to push and make things better. "I... it's just so much... I'll be fine in a minute. Just need a minute..."
Carter is already crying for him. "Let go, Daniel," she says.
"I think I've cried enough," he snaps, grinding his knuckles into the wasted muscles of his thighs.
"Daniel Jackson," Teal'c says sharply. "I have seen victims of such torture before, and you are stronger than any of them have been. There is no shame in losing control when it has been deliberately taken from you."
That seems to be what Daniel needs, because he finally loses the fight and crumples against me. His voice is nearly gone, the sobs coming out in high, reedy whispers of air, racking his bony chest. His hands clench and release on my shirt, over and over, threading the material through his fingers as if reassuring himself that it's still there.
"Hey, uh, guys," I pause and clear my throat. My voice did not just crack. It didn't. "Do you think you could maybe give us a little time? Say ten minutes?"
Teal'c nods immediately and Carter follows suit a little slower, sad eyes trained on Daniel's shaking back. Fraiser frowns down at her tray of food, but leaves grudgingly, tapping her watch and raising an eyebrow. Yeah, doc, I get it. Ten minutes.
Just enough time for me to get this cracking voice thing under control.
"Daniel," I whisper when they're gone. So much I want to say, and that's all that comes out. "Daniel. Oh, Daniel."
"Sorry," he chokes out. "Sorry, sorry... can't stop..."
"Not your fault." I'm growling at him, grinding my teeth together. I remember being in a pyramid--excuse me, ziggurat--with him and that Russian team, and finding out how old Marduk bought it, the slow way, in the sarcophagus with that thing eating him. I want to do that to every single one of those rat-bastards who did this to him. I want to watch. Want to hear their screams.
"Jack," he protests, squirming weakly.
"It's okay," I tell him, my voice numb and far away. I can almost hear them crying for help, begging to be let out. My face stretches, stings, and I realize I'm grinning.
"Ow." Wheezing, more ineffectual wiggling.
I hear real pain in his voice this time, and it slaps me out of that grim, violent little fantasy. God, I'm squeezing him hard enough to hurt, maybe hard enough to crack some of those weakened ribs. I let go quickly, but he's having none of that, yanking my arms close again and wailing low in his throat.
"Sorry, sorry, oh God, Daniel, are you all right? Didn't mean to hurt you. You okay?"
"Don't let go," he says. "Want it to hurt. Want to feel you holding me. Don't let go."
That's what does it for me, knowing he's so desperate to be held that he doesn't care if it hurts, that he *wants* the pain so he knows for sure I'm there. That's the last straw. The next thing I know his shirt is getting as wet as mine, and I don't care. I've been scared out of my mind for six weeks over him, only to get back this hurt, broken version of my Daniel. Nobody is watching. I need this.
He calms down first, perhaps lacking the strength to keep up such intense emotions for very long. For a while, he's holding me, rocking us on the bed, stroking me all over. His hands seem hungry for the feel of me-- they're in my hair, sliding over my face, kneading the muscles of my back and arms. He gets in under my shirt and makes a low, pleased sound, taking deep breaths of the hollow of my shoulder.
"Daniel," I say. "Daniel. Missed you so much. I thought... God, I thought..."
"I'm okay. I'm home, I'm okay. Home, okay, home... Jack..."
We're both babbling like idiots, and I don't know which of us is comforting the other, but I guess it doesn't matter. My guts filled up with frozen spikes when I heard what had been done to him, when I saw the damage with my own eyes, and they're only now starting to thaw. I hope vaguely that I can get myself under control before the others come back in, but it's not important. My world is very simple right now. Daniel, breathing, safe, a little bent, a little battered, but alive. That's about all there is to it.
"Jack?"
"Yeah. It's okay, Daniel."
"Not really."
I look at him sharply. He meets my stare with one of his own, angry again, his mouth a hard line. "I hate what they did to me," he says. "I hate how weak they've made me."
"Not your fault."
"So you keep saying. You know what I just thought of?" He smiles a little, a thin curving of his lips that doesn't touch his glittering eyes.
"What's that?"
"I thought that I wanted to kiss you. I saw your face so close, so sad for me, so angry with them, and I thought--'I love him, and I want to kiss him.' And then I remembered what they did... what they made me do... and I got scared. Afraid to kiss you, to touch you. They took you away from me, and I *hate* that."
Oh, Daniel. I open my mouth, but I don't know what to say. I don't have any magic wand that can fix all this. I can't say the perfect words that will make Daniel whole again. God, I wish I could.
"Sir?" Carter's voice comes through the door, high and worried.
"Yeah," I say. "Yeah, come in. We're okay."
Daniel just looks at me. We're not okay. We're so not okay.
Carter, Teal'c, and Fraiser come in, the doc immediately veering toward the bed and the side table where her tray still sits. She casts an assessing look over both of us, and I find myself scrubbing at my face with my shirtsleeve. She pretends not to notice. Kind woman, Fraiser.
"Daniel?" she asks. "Any better?"
He takes a deep breath and turns to sit with me more comfortably, falling naturally against my chest, my legs spread to either side of his. "Some," he says. "I think... I think I'd like to eat now."
Fraiser beams at him, and at me by association. "That's great," she says. "Take it slow, and if you feel nauseous, don't force it. Vomiting will only cause you to lose precious fluids."
Daniel nods and casts a plaintive look at Carter. She immediately steps forward, perching on the edge of the bed and holding the tray so he can eat without losing full body contact with me. For this, she gets the first real, shining smile I've seen from him since this whole mess started.
He eats as he did before, ravenously, but with a thin edge of control. When Fraiser cautions him to keep it slow, he doesn't cower against me this time, but simply nods and slows down. I let my head rest against his back and close my eyes for a long moment, feeling his heartbeat beneath my cheek. Carter and Fraiser are talking--something about electrolytes and potassium levels in Daniel's blood, and Teal'c rumbles something else, but it doesn't matter.
We're not okay, but I think we might get there.
~~~