Disclaimer: Tolkien's characters. My mind.

WARNING: THIS IS SLASH. It involves male relationships where a female is absent. Romantic relationships. Yes. It means to males with the hots for each other.

A/N: Not yet the end. Okay, the one chapter end turned into a gazillion more. Don't know. I just know the end is near. I don't know how near though. So keep reading. This entire chap is for Haldir.

Cold. It was so cold. And lonely.

Haldir shivered and wrapped his arms around his body. He sat down and curled himself into a tight ball. It was so cold.

He was wearing a thin white robe. It did nothing to keep the cold out.

Why was he cold? Elves don't feel the cold.

He looked around.

Nothing. He couldn't see anything. Just smoke. Or fog. White fog everywhere.

"You are back again."

Haldir turned to look at the voice. It was a woman.

She wore a beautiful white robe. And her smile…her smile was glorious.

And her presence took away the cold.

She held out her hand towards Haldir.

"Come, child. Let us walk."

Haldir stared at her. She looked familiar. Where had he seen her before?

"You were here a few days ago. Now, you are here again. You seem determined, Haldir. Why?"

Haldir frowned, still not taking the offered hand, but his hold on himself loosened.

/A few days ago? Here? When…/

"Mandos." Haldir whispered as he remembered. He looked at the woman. "Vairye."

The woman was Vairye, wife of Manwe.

He was in Mandos' Halls.

"Am I…" Haldir whispered.

Vairye shook her head.

"Not yet. Come, walk with me."

Haldir finally took her hand.

She helped him up, and the fog disappeared.  Suddenly they were standing in Lothlorien.

"What…?"

"It is a vision. Your vision of home." Vairye told him.

Hand in hand, they wandered through the Golden Woods.

"Why am I here?" Haldir asked.

"Why, Haldir, you came here."

"I don't understand. Am I…you said I am not…dead."

"No, you are not."

"Then how can I be here? Am I here?"

Vairye laughed.

"Of course you are here. Like you were days ago. How can you be here? Well, somehow, you wish to die, but cannot completely let go. That's why you return to Middle Earth even after you've come here."

Haldir looked at the goddess.

"You mean elves can do that?"

Vairye laughed again.

"Only if it is not your time to die yet. And while you cannot completely let go, it is not yet your time." She explained.

They stopped, and Haldir realized they were in Lover's cove.

"Ah, the beauty of Arda in all its glory. Wouldn't you say, Haldir?"

But Haldir was busy with memories. This was a very special place in his heart.

Vairye moved forward and looked at the distant horizon.

"The most beautiful places become even more beautiful when shared with the person who is closest to your heart. The memory makes the view even better, and the place more…special." She smiled. "Wouldn't you say, Haldir?"

Haldir blinked back tears, then realized Vairye was looking at him expectantly.

"Y..yes."

Vairye shook her head and smiled. Then she took Haldir's hand and resumed their walk.

"How long are you planning to stay this time, Haldir?"

Haldir opened his mouth, then closed it again.

"I…I don't know." He couldn't even remember how long he stayed the last time.

"Of course you do."

Haldir shook his head.

"I really don't…" He paused, puzzled. Somehow he did know. "Until the pain goes away for awhile."

Vairye nodded.

"Wouldn't be long then. He is calling you."

"Who?"

Vairye patted Haldir's arm.

"Who else can take away your pain, Haldir?"

She sighed.

"That is partly why you cannot die still. His heart calls out to you. And somehow, your heart hears it. And answers."

"What…"

For the third time, Haldir was unable to finish his question.

Mists swirled and the fog was everywhere again. Then Haldir was falling.

Haldir opened his eyes to the brightness of the sun streaming through his open window. He now slept with eyes closed. Maybe because he was unusually worn down.

He tried to get up, then groaned as pain shot across his chest. He looked down and saw that his upper body was wrapped in bandages. He sank back to the bed and closed his eyes. He sighed then opened his eyes again.

Bathroom.

Haldir groaned and tried to get up. It wasn't easy. He hurt everywhere and he felt weak.

He moved his hand to the bandages.

/Damn that stupid elf. Can't do anything properly./

Haldir was able to get into a sitting position. He swung his legs onto the floor.

/Maybe I shouldn't have fought him. Just let him…/

He braced himself, one on the bed, the other on the headboard.

/No. I will fight him no matter what. There is no way I'll ever let him win./

He tried to stand.

And promptly fell onto a heap on the floor.

"Haldir!!" A voice exclaimed. Then hands were suddenly around him, lifting him, placing him back on the bed. He was about to protest, but could only stare at the elf fussing over him. The elf was Glorfindel.

"You are not strong enough to get up on your own. You should have called me if you needed something. What were you thinking?…" Glorfindel rambled while he checked the March Warden's bandages, making sure they were not torn The eldar was oblivious to Haldir staring at him, mouth slightly open in awe.

Haldir continued to stare. Was Glorfindel really here?

He gave a slight shake of his head.

/No. This must be another dream./

But Glorfindel's hands, his voice, his scent…they were real.

Haldir closed his eyes, counted to three, then opened them again.

"Did you hurt yourself? What happened? Haldir, you cannot yet get up on your own…."

Glorfindel was here. Really here.

/Why was he here? When did he arrive?/

Haldir reached out and touched Glorfindel's chest to reassure himself.

The eldar stopped talking. He looked at Haldir.

The March Warden looked at where his hand was, on his lover's chest.

Tentatively, he moved his hand. Glorfindel's breath hitched as Haldir parted the eldar's robes and touched his skin.

Haldir felt the warmth as his hand touched the eldar's bare skin.

/Warm. He must be real./ This was what was wrong the last time. The warmth didn't feel like this.

Haldir smiled.

Then jerked back, as if burned, startling Glorfindel.

Haldir scolded himself. Glorfindel was real, but he can no longer touch the eldar. He could not touch the real Glorfindel. He had no right.

But for a moment, he forgot about everything that had happened…the war, Ecthelion…A mistake he wouldn't allow to happen again, no matter how tempting it was to just forget everything.

"Haldir, what's wrong?" Glorfindel moved closer to the March Warden, but Haldir shrank away.

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong." He said, shying away from the older elf's touch. Haldir knew Glorfindel was only taking care of him because the eldar would help anyone who needed help. Haldir could be any elf, and Glorfindel would show him the same courtesy.

/This does not mean anything! Get that through your mind./

Glorfindel longed to reach out to the younger elf, but Haldir did not seem to want to be touched.

/Or maybe just my touch./

"What…what happened?" Haldir asked quietly.

"I don't know. When we arrived, you, well, you were hurt. And delirious. Your wound…" Glorfindel paused and swallowed the lump that formed in his throat. "Haldir, what happened? Why were you wounded?"

Haldir tried to remember the events the eldar was describing. There were some vague recollections, but he could not fully remember what happened yesterday, or the other day, or whenever it was. The last thing he could remember was…

"Rhyden."

Glorfindel looked at him. "What?"

"Rhyden. He was here. We fought. He wounded me, but I hurt him as well. He…I don't know where he went. He was bleeding. I remember coming back to the talan, cleaning up, and…" Haldir tried to remember. "I can't remember."

Glorfindel sighed with relief. Haldir did not hurt himself. But Rhyden was here. He needed to warn the others, tell them to be on their guard.

"So you…don't remember yesterday?" Glorfindel awkwardly asked.

"N..no. Why? Did something happen? What did I do?"

"Nothing. You didn't do anything." Glorfindel reassured. The last thing Haldir needed was to be distressed.

A silence descended.

Haldir was promptly reminded of why he was trying to get up earlier.

He shifted awkwardly in bed.

Glorfindel noticed the younger elf's discomfort. "What is it?"

Haldir blushed and kept his eyes on his lap. "Um, I need to go to…uh…the…um…bathroom."

Glorfindel smiled.

"Let me help you."

It was not like Haldir had a choice. He put his arm around the eldar's shoulders as Glorfindel wrapped an arm around his waist…and the other under his legs.

"Um, Glorfindel?"

"It would be faster this way." Glorfindel explained. Then he lifted the Lorien elf off the bed and proceeded towards the door, his arms full of a Lorien March Warden.

Unconsciously, Haldir relaxed and leaned closer to Glorfindel. Being near the eldar felt good. For some reason, his heartache eased, the coldness lessened, and he felt a great weight lifted off him. He sighed and carefully rested his head against the eldar's shoulders.

The trip to the bathroom was far too short for Haldir. Glorfindel eased him down gently and left to give Haldir privacy.

"I'll just be outside of you need anything." He told the younger elf, then turned towards the door.

Haldir released a sigh as the door closed. His nearness to the eldar was far too short-lived. He went about to do his business.

As he was closing his robe after finishing up, flashes of Mandos went through his mind and a wave of dizziness assailed him. He braced a hand against the wall, steadying himself. Haldir began to remember where he was, his dream…non-dream. In his heart, he knew it was not something his mind created. He really went to Mandos. Twice. He remembered the first time, Manwe's words to him.

"Keep this up, March Warden, and you will be here permanently by the dawn of the new moon."

The new moon was only three weeks away. He had been told the length of time he would live while his heart continued to break.

He did not feel any fear. He was prepared to die. Then Vairye's voice came to him.

"That is partly why you cannot die still. His heart calls out to you. And somehow, your heart hears it. And answers."

His? Whose?

/Glorfindel's? No. It cannot be him. He does not love me like that./

Haldir inhaled deeply and the dizziness ebbed away slowly. His eyes began to focus.

/But he is here. Glorfindel, why are you here?/

"Haldir? Is everything alright?" Glorfindel called from the other side of the door. Haldir glanced up.

"Yes. I am fine."

"Are you done? Do you need help?" The eldar inquired.

"No." Haldir hastily tied the robe properly and opened the door. "I am fine. Thank you." As he said the words, the dizziness returned and he would have fallen to the floor had Glorfindel not caught him.

"Careful. It's okay. I've got you."

Once again, Glorfindel carried him.

"Are you alright?" The eldar asked in a concerned voice. Haldir nodded against his lover's chest. He kept his eyes closed for to him the world was still spinning wildly.

Glorfindel put him down on the bed gently.

"Wait here. I will go get some food."

Haldir nodded without opening his eyes.

Left alone, memories of Mandos came to him once again.

/New moon. Ithil will mark my death./

Haldir smiled bitterly.

/And everything would be over./

//Do you want to die that badly, Haldir?//

Haldir's eyes flew open.

Who…?

Vairye.

//You are partly dead, March Warden. A door has opened when you first came here. It is through the same door that you return. Each visit, the door is left open a little wider than before.//

/What does it mean?/ Haldir knew the Valar could hear his thoughts.

//It means, you are connected to Mandos, Haldir. Don't you feel it?//

Haldir closed his eyes. Yes, he could feel it.

It was the dull coldness in his heart, the coldness that allowed him the bliss of numbness. It started when he had run away from the sight of Glorfindel in Ecthelion's arms in Minas Tirith. That was when he first went to Mandos.

//Yes, Haldir. That is what happened. You do not fully remember. You were in too much pain then.//

And now that he was halfway to the dark halls, the pain had begun to subside, leaving a cold, empty feeling. Occasionally, he still felt the pain. But most of the time, he felt empty.

/It is true, then. There is no pain in Mandos. Only cold./

//It does not have to be so cold, Haldir. It is your heart that is turning cold./

Of course. His heart was coping the way it knew how. To stop the pain, it shielded itself. And a protective coldness resulted.

//Only elves who are in pain feel cold in Mandos. Those who die happy are warm here.//

/Then I would be very cold, then./

//It does not have to be that way, Haldir. Look past your pain.//

Haldir did not understand what the Valar wanted him to do.

/There is nothing there./

//Isn't there, Haldir? Maybe you just refuse to see it.//

Haldir shook his head.

/But there is nothing!/

//Then nothing it shall be, Haldir.//

The March Warden opened his eyes.

Alone again.

There was nothing there.

A shadow fell across him and Haldir moved to look at the elf who just arrived. Glorfindel came in carrying a tray full of food.

*He*was there.

Haldir shook himself.

/No. I must have misunderstood./

'His heart calls…you answer…hear…cannot die…'

/It is not possible. He is with Ecthelion./

'I..I love you.'

/It was just a dream. He did not really say it./

'I love you, Haldir.'

/No. I can't…can't hope again. Stop doing this to yourself, Haldir! Let go./

'Can't die…can't let go…'

/No./

Yet there he was. Glorfindel.

Haldir was no longer alone.

/Perhaps he will stay until the new moon./

/Then afterwards, he will be happy with Ecthelion. And I will be…/

/Cold./

TBC

A/N: Dave Matthews Band. I am watching MTV and they are singing. No real relation really. Just thought you'd know. Hehe.

TO You all, especially the reviewers, Thank you. (I'll never get tired of saying this.). J