Disclaimer: Characters not mine.
Warning. This is Slash. M/m relationship.
A/N: Sorry. Forgot to post. The next chap's coming. Maybe tomorrow.
Glorfindel watched Haldir across the table. They had gotten out of bed earlier and Haldir had insisted that if he were to eat, he would do so only in the kitchens. The March Warden's brothers, the twins and Ecthelion joined them.
Haldir felt a little awkward facing Ecthelion, to say the least. He kept expecting Glorfindel to go to the other elf, and no matter what he told himself, he knew he could not bear to see them together. But the eldar stayed by his side. Haldir felt glad for that, though he would not admit it even to himself.
Haldir felt better for another reason. Being around family and friends he had been staying away from helped him a lot more than he cared to admit. He was still not sure what would happen now.
As the days passed, he could not help but fall more in love with Glorfindel, something he, in his mind, could not afford to do. But he could not help it, especially since Glorfindel was intent on making Haldir give their relationship another chance. The more Haldir fought, the harder the eldar tried.
Haldir was fighting a losing battle. His body and heart were on Glorfindel's side. Only a small part of his mind, and heart, the ones that were afraid to be hurt again, prevented him from giving in completely. And there was the cold that had settled around his heart. It felt alien to him, yet he knew it was there, part of him. Yet somehow, that was beginning to warm. Glorfindel's tenderness was melting the ice away.
Haldir sighed.
/What if I hurt you?/ Haldir would rather be the one in pain that the one to cause pain. He could not bear it if Glorfindel went through what he had been through. He loved the eldar too much for that.
Hearing his sigh, Glorfindel's hand immediately covered his. He looked at the eldar and saw concern.
"Are you alright?" Glorfindel softly asked. He was worried. Haldir was not yet fully healed. He wondered if giving in on the March Warden's request to come down to the kitchens was a good idea.
Haldir's breath hitched as the softness of Glorfindel's voice went straight to his heart.
/Did he have to be so gentle?/
"I…I am fine." Haldir turned away immediately, trying to hide the longing in his eyes that he was able to keep from his voice. The hand on his remained.
"Okay."
The other elves in the room watched the two from the corner of their eyes. Except for Ecthelion, the four other elves kept up a friendly banter of sorts. They talked about anything and everything, trying to keep the atmosphere light. Ecthelion joined in occasionally. But usually, he watched Haldir and Glorfindel.
Haldir ate quietly, smiling at his brothers' jokes every now and then.
Glorfindel watched Haldir. The younger elf seemed intent to not look at him. Glorfindel knew Haldir was still trying to fight them. But at least he did not shrug off the eldar's hand on his, or move his hand away. Glorfindel had no plans of removing it from where they rested.
He had lost Haldir before. And he was afraid to do so again. Glorfindel needed to keep in contact. Physically, because emotionally, Haldir was shutting him out.
As Glorfindel looked up, his gaze met Ecthelion's. He saw a flicker of longing before the other elf's eyes grew dark and he could see nothing in them. Glorfindel swallowed and offered a silent apology, once again feeling guilt for what was happening. Ecthelion smiled and shook his head. When Glorfindel looked in his eyes again, there was nothing there but understanding. Glorfindel smiled back, relieved. Ecthelion was part of his past. A past he thought was dead. He had loved Ecthelion. Nothing would ever change that. But this was a new life. And this life belonged to Haldir. He was glad that Ecthelion understood.
So many things needed to be fixed. But right now, Glorfindel's priority was Haldir and him. He could not afford to lose Haldir again.
"Have you seen Erestor and ada? I have not seen them since…when we arrived." Elladan asked. It had been hours and they had not seen the two older elves.
Glorfindel shook his head. "I saw Erestor earlier, and Elrond not since…breakfast."
"Oh." The twins looked at each other, wondering if their father screwed up again, or if they should start getting worried.
"Why? I am pretty sure they are around. Maybe your ada is with Lord Celeborn." Glorfindel said.
"Actually, ada went after Erestor." Elrohir said in between mouthfuls.
"Went after? Did he need Erestor for something?" The eldar wondered at the twin's choice of words.
"You could say that." It was Orophin who replied.
"Ada just found out Erestor's in love with him." Elladan clarified.
Glorfindel stopped short. "What?"
"Ada just found out about Erestor's feelings. Erestor wrote him a letter, you know, the one you left to inform him that you were going to Helm's Deep? Well, Erestor added a footnote but since ada didn't finish it, he never knew until this morning when we showed it to him.. Don't tell me you didn't know what Erestor felt?"
Glorfindel did not know whether to scream at Elrond's stupidity or…
"Oh, I know Erestor loved your father. I have known for decades. What I do not know is how your father did not. How can he be so stupid as to not finish the letter?" Glorfindel could not believe this!
"Tell us about it."
Glorfindel sat back with his mouth open. He could not believe it! Elrond has hurt Erestor twice, and he had not even known he was doing it. Wasn't he supposed to be the wisest of them all?
"And all the while Erestor thought Elrond never gave a damn. Your father did not react in any way and Erestor became convinced that his feelings for Elrond were considered…insignificant. Not worth mentioning."
"And all along, Lord Elrond never knew." Orophin pointed out.
Glorfindel shook his head.
/Elrond better fix this one./
The eldar sighed.
/Just how much pain do we cause and not even know it?/
/How much do we cause because of what we do NOT know?/
He looked at Haldir and wondered.
/All the years we have been together, Haldir, I know I have hurt you so many times. But have I hurt you…too much? Is that why you won't let me back in?/
Glorfindel knew it could not have been the fact that he was a little late in confessing his feelings that had put them in this situation. Oh, it had played a part. But he wondered what else he had done.
/Talk to me, Haldir. Tell me what I've done. So that I'll know what to do./
It was difficult to fix something when you did not know what was broken.
After the meal, Haldir went for a walk. Glorfindel would not let him go alone. So now, the two of them walked the Golden Woods. They did not say a word to each other. Glorfindel trailed a few steps behind Haldir, giving the younger elf some space. He wanted nothing more than to take his lover into his arms and beg for forgiveness. He wanted everything to be all right. He wanted Haldir back. But Glorfindel knew he needed to take this slowly. Haldir was not feeling too well and he might not respond too well to being rushed. Glorfindel might do more damage if he insisted on hurrying it up. He did not want to do more damage.
Haldir glanced back at Glorfindel from the corner of his eyes. He could feel the eldar's eyes on him. His heart beat faster, thundering in his chest. He was convinced that Glorfindel could here it. But he knew that was not possible. He was able to hide it, and felt relieved that Glorfindel was giving him some semblance of being on his own.
He wanted Glorfindel. He would never stop wanting the eldar. As he would never stop loving him.
And he wanted Glorfindel right now, a few steps behind him, wearing a light colored robe, and Haldir knew that the only thing underneath that robe was a very insignificant piece of loincloth that can easily be removed. It had been awhile since they had been together and Haldir could feel his body craving for the eldar's touch.
Haldir stifled a groan and tried to redirect his thoughts. Why did Glorfindel have to affect him this way every time they were together?
/It would be so much easier if I didn't love him!/
But that was something that Haldir had long given up on happening. He would always love the eldar.
They had been walking for some time and Haldir began to feel tired. But he did not want to go back yet.
"Haldir, you are tired."
The March Warden inhaled deeply. Glorfindel knew him too well. Not surprising. The eldar had seen him exhausted lots of times in the period that they were together. He would notice any signs of Haldir's fatigue.
"We should go back."
Haldir did not want to go back. Not yet. He had been indoors too long. He was an elf, and a March Warden, and he needed to be in the forests.
"Or we could rest in the clearing up ahead." The eldar suggested, sensing that Haldir wished to be outside longer.
Glorfindel's hand went to the small of Haldir's back, giving support when he saw Haldir falter a little in his steps. As he did so, Haldir turned to answer, maybe thank him. Glorfindel was not sure. But suddenly they were standing so closely. He could feel the heat from the younger elf's body. His response was immediate and he almost groaned.
Haldir was not doing any better. His face flushed and he knew he was blushing. This was Glorfindel. They had made love so many times, yet he felt like it was the first time all over again. He clenched his fists, trying hard not to grab the eldar. He was never so thankful to be so tired. At least in his condition he knew he could not do much, even if he were to try. Unless Glorfindel…no, he wouldn't. Right?
"C…clearing. I…want to..um…rest in the..uh…clearing." Haldir stammered out.
Glorfindel stepped closer, just a little bit closer, until the front of their robes brushed against each other. Keeping his hand on Haldir's back, Glorfindel made sure Haldir could not move away.
A kiss. Just one.
"Gl…Glorfindel." It was a plea. Haldir closed his eyes. He could not fight this. If Glorfindel decided to make love to him right now, he would not be able to stop the eldar. He just….couldn't.
Glorfindel heard the pleading note in the younger elf's voice and paused.
/What am I doing?/
Glorfindel had promised himself to go slow, yet here he was, about to kiss Haldir senseless, and more if he would push through with his plans. He took a step back and removed his hands from Haldir, which took great effort, but he knew he had to. He was not going to ruin this.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that."
Haldir released the breath he was holding. Now that Glorfindel moved away, he felt a loss, and suddenly he wanted it back.
/No. You can't do that!/ Haldir reminded himself vehemently. He has to stop this.
"I…It's alright." The March Warden grimaced at the tremor in his voice.
Glorfindel took another step back, putting a safe distance between them. Then he took Haldir's hand.
"Let's…uh…go to the clearing then." He said and together they walked towards the area.
When they got there, Haldir sat down on the grass and leaned against a tree trunk behind him. He was extremely conscious of the elf with him, watching the eldar on the corner of his eyes. He definitely felt like an elfling on his first date.
Glorfindel took a seat next to Haldir, but placed a respectable distance between them. He could not risk another repeat performance of a while ago. He was not going to risk frightening Haldir. And he knew that if he remained close, he would not be able to stop his body from reacting. This was…safer.
For a moment, no one said a word. They simply watched their surroundings, looking at the glory of nature, the beauty of the Golden Woods. Several animals scurried by.
Finally, Glorfindel broke the silence.
"Haldir?"
"Hmmm?" The March Warden had his eyes closed.
"I love you."
Haldir opened his eyes and looked at Glorfindel. He knew there was more to those words. Glorfindel was asking him for another chance. His resolve was weakening. And they had only been together for a few days! But even then their time was running short. The new moon was not very far away.
Glorfindel's heart pained when Haldir did not say anything. The eldar knew that the younger elf was going through a very confusing stage right now, but he was hoping Haldir would at least reply. But Haldir remained silent, and did not seem to react to Glorfindel's declaration but for a slight stiffening of his frame.
Glorfindel longed to reach out to Haldir. But he restrained himself. He was not going to let Haldir give up on them. He could not lose the March Warden. Not now.
The eldar knew that his greatest challenge was convincing Haldir not to let go. The March Warden had given up. Glorfindel knew that it was his fault. Haldir was afraid of being hurt. Glorfindel had hurt him badly enough. He had sent Haldir to Mandos. He knew how hard it was to be there and come back, having done so himself. The psychological effect is deep.
The younger elf was also afraid this was not real. He had told Glorfindel he believed that the eldar loved him. But Glorfindel was beginning to wonder. Maybe Haldir thought he did, but not completely.
Or maybe…
"With all my heart and soul, Haldir. This is not pity, or guilt, or any explanation you can think of. I am in love with you. I have been for some time now. Only I was too stupid not to have seen it before. I think I always have been. From the very beginning-"
"No." The whisper was soft, but vehement. Haldir's voice quivered and the voice behind his whisper betrayed the pain he felt.
Glorfindel was not going to let Haldir convince himself that the eldar did not love him. "Yes, Haldir. I love you-"
"Glorfindel, if you have been in love with me from the very beginning, then you have never been in love with me at all. I know you want to convince me of your feelings, but you do not have to lie. I know that you did not love me at first. You probably just did only recently." Haldir held back tears as he remembered their years together. He KNEW that at the very least, Glorfindel had not loved him until maybe after ten years that they had been together. Maybe longer. "Or maybe you are just confused right now about your feelings for Ecthe-" His voice broke and Haldir stopped talking, trying to get control over his emotions which were threatening to become overwhelming.
Maybe Glorfindel did not love him at all.
Glorfindel stood up and went to kneel in front of Haldir. He forced the younger elf to look at him. Glorfindel's eyes blazed with anger.
"I am NOT confused, Haldir. I am in love. With YOU. Not Ecthelion. Not anyone. With you." Even his voice tinged with desperation. Glorfindel had placed both hands on either side of Haldir's head, keeping a tight hold. Seeing the confused emotions in his lover's eyes, the eldar's voice softened. "I love you."
Then Glorfindel did what he told himself not to do. He kissed Haldir.
Softly. And sweet.
And his control disappeared. Along with his promise to keep his hands off Haldir. And to go slow. To give Haldir space. He was in Haldir's space now.
It would have helped if Haldir resisted. It could have brought Glorfindel to his senses. But the March Warden moaned and pulled the eldar closer. The younger elf even parted his legs to make room for Glorfindel.
The effect was immediate. Desire raged through their systems and they began kissing in earnest, like there was no tomorrow.
/Oh gods, Haldir. I've missed you./
"I want you." Glorfindel whispered between kisses.
So there he was. Kneeling between Haldir's spread legs. Kissing and being kissed senseless.
At the back of Glorfindel's foggy mind, a message got through. They were supposed to be talking. This could come later, when everything was all right between them…and Haldir was not dying.
Glorfindel's desire cooled at the thought of his lover dying. His logic came back and he broke the kiss.
"Talk. Have to talk." His breathing was labored and so was Haldir's. Their lips were swollen and their eyes were clouded with desire.
But Glorfindel did not let Haldir go nor did he move further away. He had a feeling that if he did Haldir might get the wrong idea. So he stayed where he was. Settling in a more comfortable position, he gathered Haldir in his arms and pulled the younger elf closer.
While trying to stop the raging within his body, Glorfindel closed his eyes and rested his head against Haldir's shoulder, close to the younger elf's neck. He took deep breaths to slow his heart.
Control. He needed to be in control.
"Glorfindel?" Haldir's hesitant voice filtered through his mind.
"We have to talk, Haldir. First, before anything. I will not lose you."
He felt Haldir sigh, as well as heard it. Then the other elf's arms went around him as well.
Only the sound of the forest could be heard as the two elves calmed their racing hearts and tamed their out of control emotions.
"You didn't love me from the beginning."
Haldir's words broke the silence.
They were not condescending, nor were there any pain in the words. It was merely a statement. An accepted fact.
Glorfindel raised his head to look at Haldir. The March Warden was looking out into the horizon. The eldar could not see his face.
"I…"
But Haldir continued speaking.
"We had been together for some years. I was sent to Rivendell to give a message to Lord Elrond. I stayed with you while I was in Imladris, as usual. In one of the nights, you left the bed and went to the gardens. You didn't know I followed you. We had just made love and you thought I was asleep, I guess." Haldir paused. "You cried. I didn't even know you were still grieving until that night. You were in pain. I wanted so much to take it all away. I was about to, when I heard you speaking."
Haldir inhaled, his arms around Glorfindel tightening.
"You were missing him. You said so. You cried for a while. You were lost in memories. Finally, you said it."
'I love you, Ecthelion. Still. Always. Forever.'
" I couldn't move, Couldn't say anything. I was not sure how you would react to finding me there. So I didn't come out."
Old pain threatened to resurface but Haldir held it down. That was the past. And he knew that Ecthelion would always have Glorfindel's love. It took awhile for Haldir to accept that, but eventually, he did. Then all he began to hope for a small part of Glorfindel's heart.
And now he had it.
So why was he running away?
/Because Ecthelion is here and Glorfindel could be happy again. If only he would stop with this foolishness about being in love with me!/
Haldir believed Glorfindel loved him. But he did not believe that the eldar's love for him was as…great as the eldar claimed it to be. He was sure Ecthelion was the one for Glorfindel. In heart, in mind, and in fact.
Maybe he should talk to Ecthelion and ask him some help in making Glorfindel see the truth. Maybe then Glorfindel would stop this nonsense.
Glorfindel remembered the night Haldir was referring to. He was not aware that Haldir had followed him. He thought the March Warden had been asleep. When he had returned to the chambers and Haldir was lying on the bed. He had thought the younger elf was still sleeping.
But now that he thought about it, Haldir had felt tense in his arms when he had gathered the other elf.
Now he knew. Both of them had not gone to sleep that night.
He had hurt Haldir all those years ago and he had not known.
He never knew until now.
That night had been his death anniversary. He never told anyone. And during that time Glorfindel felt the loneliest.
Coupled with trying to deny his feelings for Haldir, Glorfindel had felt completely lost during that night and, out of habit, he had turned to Ecthelion. He always had. Ecthelion had been the closest elf to him, in his heart.
Maybe he should have talked to Haldir. But at the time he was trying so hard not to fall in love with the March Warden that he made sure Haldir would never be able to get close. Of course by then it had already been too late.
Maybe he should have gone to Erestor. He had not been thinking clearly.
He had been so intent in trying to convince himself that he was not in love with Haldir he had not realized that he had convinced the March Warden as well.
"Haldir…"
"It's alright, Glorfindel. You did love him. You were lovers. You do love him. You always will. Forever."
Glorfindel was about to protest, but again Haldir interrupted him.
"Why can't you see that? You love Ecthelion. I know you love me too. But it cannot compare to the way you love him! It can't. You two were meant for each other. He searched for you. And you waited for him. That's why you never committed to anyone, Glorfindel. Unconsciously, in your heart, you were waiting for him to find you! I…"
"HALDIR!"
The March Warden was surprised at vehemence of the eldar's voice. Glorfindel was gripping him by his upper arms and the eldar was once again kneeling in front of him.
"I. AM. IN. LOVE. WITH. YOU!"
Exasperated, Glorfindel sighed and rested his forehead on Haldir's chest.
"Damn it, Haldir."
Haldir was crying now and shaking his head.
"Maybe you just-"
Glorfindel covered Haldir's mouth with his hands.
"Don't! Don't say it, Haldir. Please."
Glorfindel moved and hugged Haldir tightly.
"I love you. I will prove it to you, Haldir. I promise. So you'll believe me. I will keep proving it to you until you no longer doubt it."
He had been so adamant about convincing himself that he did not love Haldir, he had not counted on convincing Haldir so much that now the younger elf would not believe his words.
And he was running out of time.
Haldir sobbed at Glorfindel's words.
Glorfindel sighed, hearing Haldir in so much pain hurt him.
This was going nowhere. Haldir was fighting him all the way. Maybe now was not yet the right time. Glorfindel knew he had to slow down, regroup.
Haldir's sobs continued. He leaned against the eldar who continued to hold him. It was a while before he was calm again. He hated breaking down in front of the eldar. He hated being this weak at a time when he had to be strong.
He felt tired. So tired. Physically and emotionally.
And Glorfindel sensed it. He cursed. He had forgotten Haldir was still recovering from an injury.
"Haldir, we should go back. You need to rest."
Haldir did not bother replying. Glorfindel helped him up. But the emotional turmoil and the long walk had drained away his energy and Haldir faltered.
Glorfindel then decided to carry him, eliciting a surprised yelp from the March Warden.
"This will be faster, Haldir. Do not protest. I will not relent."
Haldir sighed and just rested his head against Glorfindel's shoulder. He was too tired to argue anyway.
Glorfindel was not going to give up.
But he needed help.
TBC
A/N: Pls. Review. The next chap is on the way as soon as I post this. Maybe after a day. Hopefully.
THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!