Chapter Four
Jess
Ma-Huen had gone to work a few hours ago, leaving me to myself. I didn't ask what he did for a living, nor did I want to know, really. He stayed out of my business as well, which I appreciated heavily. Last night was just spent in comfortable, sluggish silence in front of the television, watching reruns of AstroBoy, drinking beer. No questions. Well, there was that introduction thing, just to make sure I wasn't an axe murderer and he wasn't some rapist with a kink for New Yorkers, but other than that, nothing.
And I liked it.
I opened the door and stepped outside, ready to explore and conquer Yale and the immediate radius around it. I was on a mission. I didn't exactly know what, but I came to New Haven for it.
I liked this Ma-Huen dude. He left me alone. Unlike every other person I've met (even Roberto, for God's sake). He didn't want me to open up to him just because we were going to live together for a while. He didn't keep checking on me and asking me how I was. He didn't try to control how things were going with me, even though it had nothing to do with him. He had his life, I had mine.
I left Stars Hollow to get to know my father, but the decision quickly went sour with regret.
God, it's almost been a week, yet I was still thinking about Jimmy and that awkward, "I want to be your dad—for real" thing of his. He was trying to be a good father, I was aware of that. But it was screamingly obvious that it was more out of guilt that love. He didn't say it aloud, but I felt it in his countenance. It was squirmy, nervous. Dads didn't look at their shoes and wring their hands each time you talked to them.
We should have gotten used to being together for that long, but some things just didn't work out.
Before I knew it, I had reached the golden gates of Yale. God dammit. It was like I had this stupid magnetic radar for Rory Gilmore. I sneered at the campus and all it represented. Futures, doctors, degrees, bachelors of God knows what. University. Failure.
God, I hated Yale.
However despite myself, I walked in, hands in pockets, bitterness at hand.
A little strolling around and I found her. She was sitting under that damned tree again, talking to the same guy yesterday.
Then I felt something tug at my chest. Excuse me, body, but is that… jealousy you're creating within me? Puh.
I walked over to their spot, careful not to be seen, and sat down at the other bench perpendicular to Rory's (who knew math terms would apply to real life?). And just as my back hit the cold wood, the dud stood up. He was going to class.
Sometimes, life was just like a TV show, and everything was so convenient. I loved it when that happened.
They said their goodbyes and I took note of the fact that neither of them made any affectionate contact. Who was this guy?
And he was off. Finally.
Through the corner of my eye, I saw Rory lean back and sigh. She took a book out and started to read.
My heart was palpitating, my eyesight dizzying. God, only this girl could make me want to throw up at the sight of her. Not because she was particularly ugly, mind you, but it was just so… aggravating to be around her. Add some terrible things done in the past and an unanswered phone call or, you know, seventeen, and I was ready to spit out my kidney.
I took a deep breath and, "He's kind of good-looking."
Her head shot up at the sound of my voice and she whipped her head around to face me. I kept staring straight ahead, ignoring her.
"Jess."
She said it so breathlessly that for a minute there, I forgot that she hated me. I heard her drop her book to the ground.
I tried my best, but couldn't help it anymore. Slowly, I turned my head to look at her. I looked at her through my lashes, knowing full well the effect that it would bring to her.
She took a deep breath and her eyebrows furrowed slightly. I saw her lips tremble. She had lost weight since I saw her last.
I had this all planned out. I thought this through so much I had to take Ma-Huen's medicinal tea. Things were going exactly as they played in my head.
Only I forgot to factor in what I myself would be feeling at this particular moment.
At the way she looked at me, my chest collapsed with bittersweet pain. I wanted to get up and put my arms around her, but that's not what was supposed to happen. No.
No.
I restrained myself and offered her a smirk.
"You left."
"I'm aware, Rory."
"You didn't say anything at all."
"I didn't want to."
"The bus—,"
I looked away at that. That stupid bus. It was like I was meant to lie to her one last time before I could leave and make her forget about me.
"I missed you."
We both said it at the exact same time. At that, I raised my eyes to sheepishly meet hers. Okay, so that part wasn't part of the plan. But I was always a man of improvisation. I could be on velvet chairs next to Ryan Stiles. But I'm no comedian. I'm an improviser, but not a funny one.
She gave me a smile. A true, genuine smile, and picked her book up from the ground.
I stood up as she shoved it into her bag. That was enough contact for the day. I just wanted to establish my presence, and throw the relationship-ball in Rory's court. It was her move next.
"Jess, wait!"
That was a quick move she made right there. I was stuck.
Now what, Gregg Proops?
Rory
He looked at me with lazy eyes. Not scary Columbo-falling-off-the-face lazy eyes, but that relaxed look which masked everything I wanted to see in him.
"Dirty!" a mom-voice spoke in my head.
Oh, man. He was waiting for the continuation of that plea.
Now what, you Turret-Syndrome riddled freak?
"W-why are you leaving so soon?"
He smirked at me again, making my head rattle. "Do you want me to stay?"
He said it to bait me and I saw that there he was again; the Jess Mariano I was familiar with. No family problems, no wall of secrecy, no trust issues. A million memories flew by me, leaving a soft smile on my face.
Memories like the basket-bidding (Dean was pretty mad, but Jess was, I hated to admit it then, actually more fun to be with at that particular moment in our relationship), the first time we met (and the night later, where I realized he wasn't as stupid as he seemed), and more insistently, the times where he'd hug me so tight I could barely breathe or when he'd put his arm around me and cover my face from the sun or the snow, whichever was bothering me that day.
The power of suggestion, so much more potent that day, it seemed, had its effect on Jess as I saw a faint smile grace his features, immediately softening his attitude towards me even more.
"What's on your mind?" he asked gently, just a hint of curiosity hidden behind the question.
I looked at my hands, half-covered by my sweater. "I was just replaying this old thing in my head; remember when we were talking about Yale and," I laughed a bit, "you knew exactly where and how far away it was?"
I saw his grin widen, and I continued. "And then you put your arm around me and you kissed my head."
"Your head?"
I nodded, remembering it so vividly. But apparently, from his last question, he didn't.
"I don't blame you for leaving."
It came out so suddenly, I had to slap my palm over my mouth. In reply, he looked at me with a confused expression.
He took a minute to let it seep in. I knew he had been used to this jumping of topics, thanks to almost three years of me and my mother, but I guess the break from us made him lose his edge.
"Who do you blame, then?" he asked softly.
I shifted my eyes nervously. "If—," I started, but faltered.
He stepped closer, "If what?"
"If I hadn't been such a weirdo... maybe I could have done something… to help or something. If I wasn't so wrapped up with my thing and my world, maybe things would have been… maybe you could have…"
"What?" his prodding was gentle, but it didn't change the fact that he was prodding.
I looked straight into his eyes then, filled with the want for him to understand how sorry I was. I wanted him to see how much he meant to me.
"Maybe I could have made you trust me more."
Author's Note:
This chapter is for Samantha, you wonderful, wonderful gehl. She's been so supportive of me and the projects I spit out, and I want to let you know that I love you for that.