Time doesn't understand remorse; it ticks on regardless of how much more you may need of it. Brides remember fairly little of that perfect, irreplaceable day, and children lose so much of their first years, never to recover countless, young memories. Times of great sorrow, when you long most of all for just one more moment to get over something, are no exception. In fact, time is most unforgiving then, almost to the point of being truly cruel.

Goku's transfusion went surprisingly well, better than the doctor expected, by far. The young brunette is not entirely in the clear, but a few days bed rest and he will be back to his old self in no time. The only bad news is that he won't be able to speak for quite a few weeks.

"And how, exactly, is that bad news?" Sanzo had scoffed. Hakkai merely shook his head while the doctor laughed and Gojyo remained silent against the far wall.

Things could almost give off the pretence of being normal, especially now that the doctor has left Goku under Hakkai's ever-vigilant care, but to those within the ikkou, any sense of normalcy seems lost without a certain annoying voice shattering their daily routines.

Sanzo had inconspicuously remained by Goku's side till well past the doctor had left, until Hakkai finally had to literally drag him away in order for the monk to get something to eat. With marginally subdued glares, Sanzo had allowed Gojyo to take his place as watchman.

Naturally, Sanzo insists that his anger is directed at the kappa's carelessness and not because he is worried about his charge's condition. Hakkai and Gojyo know better, but neither has the gall nor the fortitude to say so.

So now, as Hakkai forces a few helpings of food down the blonde priest's throat, Gojyo is alone in the darkened room with a still unconscious Goku, fidgeting nervously over every small intake of breath and jerky movement that comes from the bed. It isn't all that late--barely 9 at night--but Gojyo is restless and still overwhelmed. To hell with Sanzo's bitter glances, but even Hakkai's warm embrace had not been enough to banish his feelings of guilt.

A sudden moan from Goku snatches Gojyo's attention. The chair the redhead is sitting in is directly off the right side of the bed, so it takes barely a lean for Gojyo to be hovering above the figure beneath the sheets. Goku moans again, stretching his head back as he begins to awaken, which tugs on the still healing scar, springing his eyes open from the renewed pain. He searches above blindly, attempting to find focus, and at long last discovers Gojyo's face.

Smiling weakly, he attempts to speak, something hoarse and very pained breaking free before he is forced to clutch at his wound in torturous realization.

"Sorry, kid. Guess you won't be able to fling out any insults for a while." Gojyo begins with a forced half-smile, still leaning over the bed so Goku won't have to strain his neck to see him. "Doc says it'll be a few weeks, so you better get used to it. Course...I was hoping he'd say a few months, but one shouldn't ask the gods for too much, ne?"

Goku offers a laugh--albeit a soundless laugh--and nods, not terribly surprised considering how deep the cut had been. Truth be told, he's lucky he will ever be able to speak again.

Struck by a solution to this communication barrier, Goku taps Gojyo's arm to be sure the kappa is paying attention, and then makes a motion in the air as if he is writing on his palm. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what he wants. Gojyo looks around the room, at first unsuccessful in spotting what he means to find, but after opening a drawer from the table next to his chair, he discovers a pad and pencil and hands the items to Goku.

For a few brief moments, Goku scribbles on one of the pages, and then holds it up for Gojyo to read. 'Are you okay?'

Gojyo smiles and nods, holding out his arms as if to show Goku that there are no injuries or marks on his body.

Goku returns to write again. 'I don't mean physically, stupid ero-kappa.' And he grins at the slight furrow of Gojyo's brow when the redhead reads that familiar pet-name.

"I'm fine." Gojyo affirms, allowing his arms to hang limply between his legs as he leans forward with his elbows on his knees. "I'm not the one who nearly got killed by someone who's supposed to be a friend."

Goku grimaces. 'Idiot. It wasn't your fault.' he writes, his indignancy showing through in the clumsiness of the letters and the darkness of the lead upon the paper.

"Then whose was it? Sure looked like MY weapon from MY hands to me."

'That guy threw me. You couldn't have known what would happen.'

"It shouldn't have happened at all. If I had been paying better attention...it wouldn't have."

Goku flips to the next page in the notebook, having had written too large for any more to fit on the previous one. 'I don't blame you, so don't blame yourself.' He shows this to Gojyo and then goes back to add more. 'If you keep blaming yourself, I'm going to have to shave your head, and then you won't look pretty for Hakkai anymore.'

Though Goku smiles broadly in presenting this section to Gojyo, the kappa's face instantly falls upon reading the final part. Goku notices this and reaches out to touch Gojyo's arm again, not needing words to express his concern.

Gojyo has long since come to a difficult resolve, and he knew from the moment he made it that this moment wasn't going to make it any easier.

"Don't be angry, okay?" he begins softly, causing Goku to look even more worried, though he has only just begun. "I can't do it. I can't. Not by the end of the week. Not any time soon. Especially not after...this. I feel like shit and I'm in no mood to feel worse when Hakkai turns me down."

Goku moves to pick up the pad and pencil again, but Gojyo's firm hand holds his arm down.

"You're right, I don't know for sure if he's going to reject me." the kappa admits, reading Goku's mind all too easily. "But it's a risk I'm not willing to take right now. I made that pact without thinking. To you, three years may seem like I've waited long enough, but for me, it was three years to think this over and realize I don't want to lose the only thing I've got going for me just because I'm selfish enough to want more."

Wrenching his arm free, Goku defiantly takes up the pad again. 'Hakkai is not the only thing you've got going for you.' he scrawls out quickly, not even trying to hide how Gojyo's unthinking assumption has hurt him.

Gojyo sighs, bogged down by yet another regret. "I didn't mean it like that. I know I have you, too. And...shit, even when we were still acting like mortal enemies I thought of you as my little brother. But Hakkai...he knows me better than I will ever understand myself. And I can't even be that for him. Sanzo fits that bill better than I ever could."

There is a part of Goku that longs very dearly to be able to deny that observation, but he knows he would be lying to himself if he tried. The same goes for him and Sanzo; Hakkai understands the monk best out of all of them. They share a bond in the rain and in base-personality that he and Gojyo can never duplicate. But isn't that true of all the world's closest friendships? Does that have to mean that he and Gojyo are undeserving of their hearts' desires?

Not this life, it doesn't. Not any life.

'Don't give up because you're afraid.' Goku writes, more contemplative now than angry.

"I'm not backing out cuz I'm afraid." Gojyo sighs. "I'm being smart. This doesn't mean I won't ever balls up and tell him someday, just that...I can't right now. And don't worry." he adds, with a sideways smirk. "I haven't forgotten what this is gonna cost me."

Watching dumbstruck from the bed, Goku follows Gojyo's movements over to the table in the center of the room where his cigarettes lie. The redhead picks them up and then retrieves the small wastebasket in the corner before returning to stand where Goku can more clearly see him.

Gojyo grins wider, and with quiet resolution, tosses the pack into the garbage.

For the longest time, Goku cannot return that carefree expression, and when he finally does smile up at his friend in recognition of such a brave and faithful act, it is painfully obvious that the expression reaches no further than the boy's barely upturned lips. Goku would much rather Gojyo continue smoking a pack or more a day till the end of time if it meant the kappa would confess the truth.

The wastebasket is returned to its proper place in the corner and Gojyo saunters slowly back to the side of the bed, though he does not sit down again. "Don't look at me that way. I don't want to have to start telling you what I keep telling Hakkai: smile if you mean it, or don't smile at all. I know what you want of me, but you're just going to have to accept my choice, because--and this is the only time I will ever admit this--I'm not as strong as you are. Not when it comes to this."

Goku seems to want to say something, or at least write something, in the hopes of changing his friend's mind, but even a monkey like him knows there is a point when you stop pushing.

"Oh, and there's somethin' else you don't have to worry about." Gojyo adds, trying so hard to smile, though he himself had just been condemning the idea of forcing them. "You're exempt. I won't make you give up your precious, village-sized meals, since you obviously have a bit of a disadvantage right now in the confessing department. Just focus on recovering, okay?"

Again, a million or more reasons for opposition rise forward in Goku's mind, but he holds his peace. Picking up the pad one final time, the young brunette writes slowly, now onto a fourth page in the small notepad. 'I won't wait forever, and neither should you. Promise me you will tell him SOON.'

The large letters making up that final, pertinent word, drive home even more how desperate Goku is not only to not be alone in this fight, but for the happiness of his friend. Of his friends. Even if they are on a mission sent down by the Merciful Goddess herself, and even if she has spoken through Sanzo that they cannot afford to be distracted by ties to each other, who is to say it would have to be a distraction at all?

Isn't the real distraction having to think about those many 'what ifs?'?

"Hey, I'm a no good, rotten gambler, remember?" Gojyo smirks, which fits on his face far better than any forced smile. "A gambler's gotta gamble, and one of these days I'll get up the nerve to go in for that once in a million pot. Promise." After receiving Goku's hesitant acceptance of that hopeful oath, Gojyo begins moving towards the door. "I'm gonna go let the others know you're up. One of us will be back in to stay with you in a bit, okay?"

Goku nods, but works quickly to write out another message. 'A short bit. I don't want to be alone too long.' He holds back at first before reluctantly showing Gojyo the notepad; admitting weakness isn't a norm he wants to fall into, but, then again, neither is loneliness.

"You got it." And with a quick wave, the kappa is out the door, closing it carefully behind him.

Gojyo sighs a shuddering, deep breath, falling gently forward so his forehead is pressed into the wood of the door he has just come through. The encounter certainly could have been worse. After all, Goku doesn't blame him in the least. But he did seem rather disappointed in Gojyo's decision not to confess.

Damn. The kappa could really use a cigarette about now, made known to him by the insistent pounding in his head. It has only been a few hours, but for a chain-smoker like him, it is already more than enough to remind him of his addiction. That's what he gets for being so self-sacrificing, he concludes. It is the least of what he deserves.

"How's he doing?"

Gojyo spins around at this intruding voice, nearly unbalancing his footing and sending himself backwards to slam into the door. "Hakkai!" he exclaims, smiling sheepishly at being caught in such melancholic thought. "Hey."

The brunette smiles as always, standing only a foot or so from Gojyo's stance near the door, and waits patiently for his friend to answer his question. It takes Gojyo a few too many pregnant pauses to remember that Hakkai has asked him one.

"Oh." he covers lamely, scratching the back of his head. "He woke up finally. Seems okay, too, besides the whole not-being-able-to-talk thing. Doesn't blame me at all, of course, the damn gaki."

Hakkai chuckles, forever more amused than annoyed with his friend's occasional tendency for scattered thoughts. "How insensitive of him." he teases.

"Oh, shuddup."

They share the laugh this time, and the pause that lingers a moment after the laughter has died, is--at first--not awkward at all, but familiar and relaxed. They have lived together for many years now, and there is a certain comfort in silence when you are with someone whom you do not need words to communicate with.

Nevertheless, Gojyo has never been the type to favor casual silence, and for him, awkwardness filters back into the moment more and more the longer he looks into those emeralds.

Hakkai does not sense the separating gap growing between them, but Gojyo is overwhelmed due to his own decision to wait...and wait...and in waiting drive himself mad with the idea of losing something he never even tried to own.

"How's the monk?" he inquires, taking note of Sanzo's absence and clinging to anything that can keep him from thinking too much.

"Less homicidal." Hakkai humors. "He's speaking with the owner right now; wants to be certain the Akaanai won't be a lingering threat."

Gojyo huffs in contempt. "They weren't a threat to begin with, fucked-up purists."

This angry offhandedness unsettles Hakkai, for his friend's sake, if nothing else, and his brow furrows. "Don't dismiss them so easily. Remember that run in we had with them during our first year together? They would have hung you right there in the yard if I hadn't come home early."

Gojyo flinches at the reminder, despite how the phrase 'our first year together' brings him back to his previous line of thought. "They caught me off guard." he growls, returning his mind to attention. "Besides, I didn't see any familiar faces, so we must be dealing with a different branch. Even the guys we faced weren't all that hard to deal with, as long as they're not whacking you over the head from behind, that is."

A thin smile. "All the same, please take this more seriously. For my sake." Hakkai implores, his emerald eyes flashing with concern and honest caring. "Misdirected passion always has the potential for becoming a threat."

The possible connotations in that final line give Gojyo pause.

"Whether they are indeed a threat or not, I believe Sanzo is doing us all a favor in focusing his distress on a deserving enemy rather than picking a fight with you." Hakkai continues, having--yet again--completely missed the wave of reproach that has just passed over his friend. "What happened is, after all, NOT your fault."

Still shaken by so many varying impressions and feelings towards Hakkai right now, Gojyo shrugs with indifferent agreement, and moves to slip past the man so stiffly standing in his way to the stairs. He would rather not discuss this anymore. He would rather not be anywhere NEAR Cho Hakkai.

Before Gojyo can get completely passed him, however, Hakkai stops the redhead with a firm but gentle grip on his shoulder. As he had done not long before, Hakkai once again strokes down his friend's back--a gesture worth more than he realizes. "This has been hard on you. It doesn't take a scholar to see that. I hope you know you can always come to me if you need to talk."

Gojyo coldly shrugs off that too soothing touch. "What for? It's not as if you ever come to me."

Gojyo's tone is biting. He wants desperately to distance himself now, because if Hakkai somehow DOES know about his feelings, the brunette refuses to show it directly, and that in itself is enough to make Gojyo long for escape.

Hakkai withdraws his now suspended hand, deeply hurt by Gojyo's harsh words.

The second Gojyo looks back into that pained face, he regrets ever saying them, but longs most for a reprieve from this encounter, even if it is only a temporary solution to a problem that can only get worse. "Forget it. I'm fine. Really. Don't worry so much, okay?"

Not one to disappoint, Hakkai plasters on that fake smile, more obviously false than usual, and nods, abandoning his impulse to stop Gojyo from disappearing down the stairs. Gojyo does indeed dash away, mumbling about needing a midnight snack after sitting with Goku for so long, and Hakkai lets him go.

He lets him go.

(You hide yourself better than I ever could, my friend, despite how often you chastise me for doing so.) Hakkai muses with a certain ache, lingering his gaze on that retreating blur of blood-red. (You think I can read you as well as you read me, but I can't. You look past my smile and see me, but what do I have to look past? Why do you think you can't come to me with the truth...whatever it may be?)

Hakkai's eyes drift down to his slender hands and he lifts them to study that familiar shape--those deadly tools. If the red he sees on them had come from having Gojyo's hair in their grasp, stroking through the strands, he wouldn't have minded at all. But the color, though similar, is not that cherished crimson, but his constant reminder of the blood he shed, forever staining him.

Passion. Sin. Sin done in great passion. It is something he can never hope to outrun.

(Even you turn away from me...Gojyo...)

-----

Fuck. He could REALLY use a cigarette.

Pacing back and forth in the lobby, his finger twitching for the familiar feel of springing his lighter to life, Gojyo is sure he has made some of the worst decisions in his life within the past 24 hours, and curses the person who ever invented the theory of living your life with no regrets.

He regrets keeping that damn journal. He regrets ever having to room with Goku. He regrets making that foolhardy pact. He regrets not paying better attention during that fight. He regrets being noble and giving up his smokes willingly. He regrets...being unable to confess his true feelings for his best friend. And most of all, he regrets the pain he knows he has just caused that very man, though he sees no way to make things better. He sees no way to live without these regrets.

Why had he been so careless and accusing with Hakkai? Because he expresses what he feels, and he feels silently betrayed. Betrayed by Hakkai for possibly knowing of Gojyo's feelings and doing nothing about it, and by his own heart for allowing those feelings to begin with.

Nearly cursing aloud, Gojyo kicks the staircase's banister as hard as he can, which could have the potential for breaking his own toe if he isn't careful. But what does he care? Perhaps he can put the incident with Goku behind him since the others are all trying so hard to do so, but now that he has been forced to really analyze how empty he feels in his relationship with Hakkai, there is no escape.

Not even through a smoke.

"Ano...Sumimasen." calls a distant but all too near voice from the direction of the front door.

Recognizing the voice as that of a young woman's, Gojyo composes himself quickly, and spins around to face her with his most charming smile--instinctively. "Hey there. Can I help you with something, sweetheart?"

She is a lovely girl, not much younger than Gojyo, thought quite a bit shorter, with chin-length, light brown hair, sweeping bangs, and large, seafoam eyes. "Kombanwa." she smiles, taking a few steps forward. "You left this at the store." From behind her back she produces Sanzo's credit card. "And your supplies, too." she adds, offering his and Goku's overflowing bag.

Gojyo accepts the items, realization and relief flooding in all at once. "Now I know why you look familiar; you're the girl from that kitchenware place." he grins, setting the bag down beside the banister and pocketing the credit card. "Thanks. Damn monk would have had my head if I'd lost his card."

"It was no trouble." the girl dismisses. "I figured you probably had too much on your mind to remember. It was easy finding you, too. Just had to ask the street venders which direction a tall redhead carrying a young brunette sprinted to." Her light, airy voice flutters into a laugh, and they share a quiet moment before she grins to add, "I didn't charge you for the frying pan."

Even a little out of practice, Gojyo would have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to realize he is being flirted with. "My, my. That's awfully sweet of you."

"It was the least I could do." she smiles back. "Those awful men and what they made you do to your friend--horrible! I saw everything. He isn't too badly hurt, is he?" she adds with deep, honest concern.

Gojyo replies with a somewhat saddened shake of his head, trying hard not to lose his grip on this comforting distraction. "How'd I get so lucky, having a pretty thing like you offer such sweet sympathies?"

She blushes. "He's okay then?"

"He will be."

"Well...I certainly hope it isn't just the two of you traveling together."

"Nah." Gojyo corrects. "There's four of us all together, heading west."

The girl seems to like this news. "Really? So, I guess...one of them could stay with your friend...if...say...you had somewhere to go tonight?"

Her words are staggeringly obvious, hinting with a sparkle in her eyes Gojyo hasn't seen directed at him in quite some time.

Tossing a contemplative look back up the staircase, Gojyo is instantly affronted by flashing images of Hakkai: his smile, his dimples when it's real, his walk, the tilt of his head when he listens to you...

But there is also his silence, his avoidance, his recoiling touch should the level of intimacy even brush the possibilities of something more than friendship and common courtesy. Those are the images, the realities, that stay with Gojyo as he turns from gazing up to look back at this lovely prospect with a grin.

"Yeah...they could." he purrs, slinking an arm about her waist and leading her to the door. "Why don't we get out 'a here..."

tbc...

A/N: I can just see you all, mouths agape, screaming "don't you dare let Gojyo go off and get laid with some random girl!!!" Well...I'm not saying a word. Sorry for the lack of Sanzo, but he will definitely be in the next part. I feel so sorry for Hakkai right now, but things are as they are. Thank you so much, reviewers! Especially NekoMegami-chan for reminding me of the credit card, stitcher2ficcer for taking note of the important relationship observations Gojyo makes in Part 2 (and for Awakenings, which rocks), and my good friend EmperessRose for taking the time to read yet another one of my many fics. Of course, I love all my reviewers, and please keep it up. Hope you enjoyed this most recent installment, and I'll do my best to write the next part ASAP. Ja!

Crim