Fools. Half the world is riddled with them. No, more than half. Few humans or demons still roaming the earth have any sense left, as far as a certain droopy-eyed, blonde-haired monk is concerned. And, after all, his point of view is the only one that matters.
(Idiot monkey.) he growls internally, glaring daggers in front of him as he walks. (Stupid cockroach.) The stairs are taken one at a time, slow and purposeful, as if he is either trying to calm himself down before reaching the top, or fuel his anger so high he explodes. (I can't believe how careless they can be...)
And yet, there is worry in his internal monologue, despite his own inability to sense it. His eyes remain hardened and stern, refusing to betray any such emotions; it would take far more than stupidity and a near-fatal accident for him to express those true feelings, let alone recognize them within himself.
Sanzo pauses at the top of the stairs, hand resting on the banister, his fingers clawing at the wood in unspoken frustration. Their rooms are just ahead of him, but he hesitates. It is quite likely Goku is awake now, especially since he saw Gojyo slipping out the front door a while back--with some unsuspecting young woman, of course.
The thought forces Sanzo's lips to curve into a more obvious grimace. (Avoiding me, no doubt. Good. I'd hate to waste any bullets on such an easy target.)
Pushing from the banister, Sanzo continues down the hall, more content now that he has refocused his intense emotions on his favorite scapegoat. Anything to keep him from thinking too long and hard on how worried he is...
His and Goku's door opens, an amazingly graceful Hakkai slipping out and shutting it behind him. He does not see Sanzo as the monk draws near.
"I'll take your tentativeness to mean the saru fell asleep." he begins gruffly, causing Hakkai to start--and then smile. "Unless...he hasn't woken up yet."
"He has." Hakkai reassures, making sure not to seem as if he notices just how anxious Sanzo is. "And yes, he just fell asleep. Any rest is good rest--considering."
Sanzo nods, again breathing that internal sigh of relief. Naturally, he doesn't actually NEED the saru around, or any of the others, for that matter, but it would be quite a nuisance if he had to face off against an entire army of youkai all by himself.
Though Gojyo's hidden emotions often elude Hakkai, Sanzo proves to be quite easy to read, though he tries so hard to veil himself, especially from displaying anything resembling sympathy or compassion. Indeed, there is worry and relief behind those violet eyes.
To those who know Sanzo best--even to the oblivious Gojyo and Goku--his true nature isn't all that hard to figure out. He cares for his friends, but he will never call them friends. He has vowed to never again feel for anyone so much it would kill him to lose them, and yet he already cares that much for the three young men accompanying him on this journey. They know, and perhaps he knows, too, but it is never said. Never admitted.
"Gojyo spoke with him awhile." Hakkai mentions suddenly. Well, not really suddenly, only sudden in the fact that Sanzo had--for a moment--forgotten the brunette was there.
"Nn. He can speak?"
"Ano...no, the doctor was correct when he said it would be a few weeks for that. Gojyo talked and Goku wrote back his replies on a pad of paper. He did the same with me before falling asleep. It seems he is doing quite well."
(Of course. I'll never be rid of that saru...) Sanzo thinks with a certain nostalgic peace more than irritability.
"Sanzo..." Hakkai begins uncertainly, a slight tremor of apprehension entering his so recently calm and controlled tone of voice. "...have you...seen Gojyo around at all?"
Sanzo folds his arms over his chest and rolls his eyes. "As if I care what that damn half-breed does." he scoffs. And then, acknowledging Hakkai's disappointed and worry-ridden eyes, he adds, "I saw him sneaking out the door with some girl on his arm. You know him. Better to drown his guilt in a stranger's bed than face it."
As far as Sanzo is concerned, this news shouldn't surprise Hakkai at all considering what a lech their red-haired friend has always proven to be, but the flash of anger and resentment that passes swiftly over Hakkai's face does not go unnoticed.
Hakkai immediately covers for himself, of course, smiling brightly. "Ah. Sou, ka? Well, then, I...I was just stepping out for a trip to the bathroom, but I can come back if you'd prefer I stay with Goku tonight."
The brunette is covering, all right, but Sanzo figures it isn't his business. "No. You need your sleep, too, and I know if you watch over the monkey you'll just end up staying awake all night. It's my room; I'll keep an eye on him." Sanzo takes a step towards the door, but hesitates. "You're going to make us stay a few days, aren't you?" he asks with a knowing frown.
"That would be best." Hakkai affirms. "Goku needs at least a few days before he'll be well enough to travel. I imagine he will try to be up and about tomorrow already, but we must be sure he takes it easy. Even his constitution has limitations."
Sanzo nods, though he doesn't approve. Still, he won't argue; Hakkai knows best, being the designated mother of the group, and there is no point in pushing ahead if it will only make Goku's injuries worse. They should be in top condition before having to face any new enemies.
With silent nods of goodnight, they separate, Hakkai heading down the hallway to his and Gojyo's room, and Sanzo slipping quietly inside his and Goku's.
The room is dark, though not so much that Sanzo can't find his way around. The bed nearest the door is Goku's, and the younger man's brunette head is sticking up out of the covers, the monkey himself almost completely hidden, turned on his side in sleep. A tiny purring snore escapes him as he slumbers, quiet enough not to be too much of an annoyance, but definitely there.
Sanzo represses a smile as he walks silently across the floor, finding incredible reassurance and peace in that all too familiar sound. Goku is all right. Goku will be okay. Goku hasn't been taken away from him as he feared...
(Not like I care.) Sanzo clarifies, dismissing such kind and loving thoughts. (The bakazaru is nothing but a nuisance anyway.)
Forgetting his own rebuke of Hakkai, Sanzo does not immediately go to bed, but sits down in the chair beside Goku's. The brunette is facing him, his closed eyes barely visible with the rest of him snuggled securely in the sheets. He appears strikingly small and young, though he is far more grown up than Sanzo cares to admit. Goku is not a little boy anymore, and hasn't been for quite some time.
Sighing softly, Sanzo pulls out a cigarette and lights it quickly, knowing Goku won't be bothered by it since the monkey has lived with it for so long. His first drag is pure Heaven; he hasn't found the time to enjoy one since Goku and Gojyo's incident.
He will have to remember to add that to his list of things to yell at them for.
A few odd, strangled moans escape Goku's throat in sleep and he shifts, the covers falling away enough to reveal his face fully. Lying there, silent and relatively still, Sanzo can almost forget how damn frustrating the boy usually is, and allows that small smile he had so recently suppressed. A VERY small smile, so...what can it hurt?
(Can't speak for at least a couple weeks? Now there's a blessing.) the monk internally smirks. (He's not so bad when he's quiet. Practically tolerable.)
A couple puffs as he sits there, occasionally taking in the oddly sweet image of Goku sleeping, before darting his eyes away as if afraid to get caught doing something he shouldn't. After one such shameful glance away, Sanzo's eyes fall upon the desk near the bed and the small notepad on top of it.
Hakkai had mentioned it, hadn't he? Goku's mode of communication. Curiosity perked, Sanzo reaches out and picks the pad up, looking down at the left open page filled with Goku's clumsy but clear writing.
He reads. 'Thanks, but I'm getting tired again. I think I'm going to go to sleep.' A few spaces. 'Oyasumi, Hakkai.'
Expected. But since Sanzo has no intention of calling it a night quite yet, he flips a page back to read more, if only to pass the time.
'A little sore, but it could be worse.'
'No, I told him I don't blame him, but you know how stubborn he is.'
'Am not!'
Sanzo's lost smile nearly twitches up again; he can easily imagine what Hakkai must have said to envoke THAT response. Hakkai would have naturally replied to the previous statement with, "You're a little stubborn yourself sometimes, Goku," while wearing a charming smile, of course.
Sanzo turns the page to another.
'I'm starving, but I can't even think about food with my throat like this.'
'I could, too, starve! You don't know!'
'It was an accident, but I still can't believe it happened.'
Again.
'Hey, Hakkai.'
'Stop fussing, I'm fine!'
'Where's Sanzo?'
And again.
'A short bit. I don't want to be alone too long.'
And again.
'Don't give up because you're afraid.'
'I won't wait forever, and neither should you. Promise me you will tell him SOON.'
Sanzo stops reading, turning to look down at Goku once more. What the hell are these two entries supposed to mean? They have to come from the conversation with Gojyo, since 'Hey, Hakkai,' comes a page or two later. But...what does Goku mean by, 'I won't wait forever...'?
Not wanting to dwell on the matter, Sanzo closes the notepad and sets it back on top of the desk, plucking his cigarette from between his lips, and having to cross to the table in the middle of the room to snuff it out in the only available ashtray.
A few more moans escape Goku's lips, and Sanzo turns back, studying that scrunched up face--most likely dreaming--and the bandages around a scar he is glad he doesn't have to look at. The blonde contemplates just going to bed, but finds himself back in that chair at Goku's side with a fresh cigarette, content to smoke with the occasional, brief glance tossed down at his slumbering charge.
It isn't that he cares. He isn't worried or sentimental. He's just...sitting. And for now, that's enough.
-----
Hakkai hurriedly paces in his room, the lights off save a lamp between the beds. Cloaked in darkness, the deep emerald of his eyes shines eerily, flashing with each catch of the lamp's dim illumination. He is not dressed for bed. He can't even image surrendering to sleep right now.
"Kyuu!" Hakuryuu calls, fluttering above Hakkai's head in distress, wondering what could possibly be bothering his master so much--especially on a night when it isn't raining.
Stopping his frantic movements a moment to reach up and catch the dragon on his arm, Hakkai strokes under Hakuryuu's chin to soothe him. "I'm sorry. I'm upsetting you, aren't I? Really, I don't know why I'm acting like this. It's not as if he hasn't always been a bit of a skirt chaser."
Yes, but when was the last time he actually caught one? Hakkai doesn't have an answer to that, and sets Hakuryuu down on the dragon's bed of pillowcases nestled under the window.
"He can take care of himself. I shouldn't worry."
(But I DO. So much. Where are you, Gojyo? Why did you go out without telling me? Why were you...so harsh?) Hakkai shakes his head. (Harsh with purpose. I deserved what you said. I told you long ago what befell me and...Kanan. Every last detail. But...since those confessions, when have I ever gone to you, my dearest friend?)
Sighing dispiritedly, Hakkai crumbles into a sitting position on the end of his bed. He doesn't like the idea of heaping his problems onto others, though he is always the one telling others to come to him. What right does he have to do that? Especially when...he has, in the past, gone to someone OTHER than Gojyo.
Sanzo.
Could Gojyo be jealous of that understanding friendship? But why? It isn't as if Hakkai and Gojyo don't share their own irreplaceable bond.
(So why do I hide so much from you? You've always been brutally honest with me...haven't you?) Sigh. Again. (Perhaps not. Perhaps my silence is what pushes you away. Into the arms of some woman who couldn't possibly deserve all you are.)
Hakkai gives himself pause at that last thought. Who is he to decide who deserves his friend's affections? He is the one who merely smiles and brushes off concern thrown his way. He is the one who dismisses Gojyo's constant fussing over his well-being and peace of mind. He is the one...who is lonely tonight.
"Have I missed some great secret, Hakuryuu?" he smiles meekly down at his pet, who is curled up in preparation to sleep. The dragon chirps. "You think so, too? What have I missed then? What is this secret between us driving him away and me mad? Has my blindness spread from this weak eye...or do I know the answer and merely refuse to see it...?"
Hakuryuu chirps again, as if to agree with that assumption. Hakkai almost smiles at his pet's apparent intelligence, but his mind is still too assaulted to find much peace. Seeing no other options other than remaining restlessly awake, he begins to dress for bed, looking longingly--and often--to the door, hoping for his friend to at any moment come walking through it.
-----
Sanzo awakes with a start, half falling off his chair from abrupt shock. When had he fallen asleep? He can't remember. The clock on the far wall is at least two hours later than he last remembers it being. Oh, well. He stretches, gritting his teeth at the prominent crick in his back from drifting off in such an unforgiving chair.
Nearly cursing, he considers adding this aggravation to his list of reasons to berate Gojyo and Goku once they are healthy and within yelling range. Content with this decision, Sanzo holds back a menacing smirk and turns to check on Goku in the bed.
His heart stops dead in his chest. The half-smirk falls. Blood. Blood covering the sheets, soaking through them and dripping to the floor. Sanzo can't breathe. For a moment, he can't think or react. This isn't happening. This isn't real.
Sanzo recaptures the moment and is instantly on his knees beside the bed. Goku is awake, eyes wide, clutching at the reopened wound on his throat. The bandage is still in place, but bled through, of no use now. He has lost far more blood than he had originally, and his face is riddled with pain, looking beseechingly to Sanzo now that the monk is at his side. Few sounds, if any, manage to escape the boy's injured throat; no wonder Sanzo hadn't heard him.
Damn him for not waking sooner! Damn him for falling asleep! Damn him...for being able to do nothing now. Nothing...
"Goku!" he cries, his violet eyes wild with concern he couldn't even hope to suppress. "Stay calm. I'll get Hakkai. He'll close the wound, like before. It'll be okay." His own panicked tone startles him, but he pays no heed, rising swiftly to run for the other room and fetch the healer.
Goku's weakened grip on his sleeve stops him and he risks a look back, knowing he should ignore it and run, rush for help, but those once bright, golden eyes that seem so dim and frightened now, beg him silently not to go.
'Don't leave me, Sanzo. I need you.' As if the monk can hear the boy's own voice echoing through his head.
Sanzo falters, not wanting to be the cause of any added grief rushing through Goku's veins. "I'll be back. We need Hakkai. You're...you've lost so much...I...I have to get him--"
He cuts off as Goku's grip increases, a convulsion rushing through the boy's body and spasming him painfully. Sanzo curses at the pressure and at the image of Goku in such terrible agony. Those eyes are dimming more--dimmed to nothing. He has to go NOW.
But he can't. Goku won't let go. The young brunette stares up at him, pleading some silent cry, agonized more by words he knows he cannot say than by the pain in his wound and the staggering loss of blood. His mouth opens and closes a dozen times, a dozen lost phrases left unspoken.
"I know. I know..." Sanzo soothes, smoothing the hair from Goku's face as he crouches down once more beside the bed. "That's why you can't die. You can't die. You can't...leave me..." His voice breaks, and if his heart wasn't breaking with it he would have despised himself for such weakness.
But he was already weak. He was already broken. He had long ago betrayed his own vow and lost himself within those eyes. Those golden sparks of light so nearly out...
Goku's tears mingle with the blood still freely spilling onto the covers, onto Sanzo's hands and arms and clothing. How he longs to speak the words he has held inside all these years, but the words cannot be spoken. Not anymore.
Barely a moment passes...before all light in those eyes goes out.
And Sanzo's heart stops again, his breath stilled, the moment paused in the wrenching realization of this impossible loss. Too fast. He has lost him too fast and there is no going back. He hadn't said anything. He hadn't resolved anything. Goku is gone. Lost because he couldn't save him. Just like before...
"No..." Sanzo breathes, the sound barely leaving his disbelieving lips. "Goku...? Wake up, baka. I'll get Hakkai, and...you'll be fine. You have to be. Please..." His voice cracks again, despite how hard he is trying to keep himself composed in this--unfeeling.
Fuck it! How can he be unfeeling? How can he believe he ever was when it came to Goku?
Pulling the boy's stiff and still body to his chest, Sanzo cradles Goku close, still not believing, unwilling to accept he must again feel that same aching loss as he experienced with his master so many years past. He rocks, the already cold body pressed against him, and though no sob escapes his lips, tears stream down silently, mingling with the fading scent of Goku's hair.
"Don't leave me...you can't leave me...I need you...I need you..."
---
"I need you..." Sanzo mumbles in his sleep, not loud or articulate enough within slumber to be heard or understood by anyone nearby. Still, the words slip out, and a moment later, his eyes flash open in panic. He is breathing heavily, those eyes darting every which way as he focuses on his surroundings...and realizes it had all been just a dream.
A dream. Only a dream. Sanzo finds himself collapsing back in the chair, slowly sighing his breathing back to normal, and carefully looks down at his clothes, his arms, his hands, discovering them completely clean and devoid of any traces of blood.
Goku's blood...
Like lightning on one of those unforgiving, rainy nights, Sanzo jolts to the edge of his chair and turns to place all his worried attention on the bed. Not a drop of blood there either. Only a very living Goku, who--coincidentally--is also wide awake, staring at Sanzo in confusion and a little worry of his own.
Sanzo's first thought is to fall down beside the bed and embrace the bewildered boy; he is beyond relieved that the dream isn't real. But even in this state of flushed anxiety, Sanzo remembers his mask, and instead, drops slowly beside the bed, wearing an expression of complete impassiveness as he reaches out to tangle his fingers in Goku's hair.
"You okay?" he asks shortly, making certain he has swallowed back the desperation that had shown in his voice in the dream.
Goku nods, his brow still knitted tightly in wonder and worry. He looks rather rumpled, as if he has only just woken up. Sanzo must have called out in his sleep and disturbed the boy's own pleasant dreaming.
Amazed that the monk's hand is remaining nestled in his wild, brunette strands, Goku finds the courage to reach out and touch Sanzo's cheek, finding rare wetness that glistens on his fingers when he pulls his hand back.
In turn, Sanzo reaches his unoccupied hand to the damp skin Goku has just pulled away from. Of course. How could he NOT have shed real tears after a dream so real and so...unbearable?
Goku doesn't understand; the monkey has rarely--if ever--seen tears in Sanzo's eyes, let alone clinging to his pale face.
The flustered monk clears his throat awkwardly, pulling in both hands to wipe away those brave tears in a single, parallel motion. He rubs his hands together then, trying in vain to rub away the dampness left on his skin.
Goku touches Sanzo's arm lightly to regain the blonde's attention, and gestures to the pad now sitting closed on the nearby table. Sanzo hesitates in fetching it; if he refuses he won't have to answer any of the monkey's questions. And they will most definitely be questions he does not yet know how to answer.
"Not right now." Sanzo decides, forcing himself back to his senses. "You need to sleep. I won't be held up here all week because of your ignorance in proper recovery." he adds sharply--almost sharply.
But Goku is not one to give up, and sees no need for the pad if Sanzo refuses to hand it over. He tugs on Sanzo's sleeve again to be sure he has the monk's attention, and then mouths, 'Dream?'
Sanzo grimaces. "What of it?"
A purposeful gesture to Sanzo's still reddened cheeks says more than enough.
Sanzo is trapped, ensnared by those golden eyes, and finds himself forced to look down, anywhere but into them. "It was just a dream." he covers, having no intention of sharing the dream's contents with Goku. His eyes dart back up, and he sets his lips into a thin line before speaking again. "Forget it. It doesn't matter. Go to sleep already, bakazaru, or I'll knock you out to do it for you."
Despite the threat, Goku smiles and settles back down into the covers. Sanzo helps pull the covers up in a cleverly underplayed way, as if he really isn't helping at all, and then stands, content enough now to retire to his own bed and rest.
He opens his mouth to deliver his customary goodnight, "Make any noise and I'll kill you," but catches the absurdity in the phrase considering recent events, and offers a short nod instead, before moving away to begin getting himself ready for bed.
Yet again, Sanzo feels himself tugged back by Goku's small hand on his sleeve. He turns, meeting those smiling eyes, and feels himself tense, remembering how they had looked with that precious life draining out of them.
'Thank you.' Goku mouths, eyes already drooping back to sleep.
"What for?"
Goku yawns long and wide, and then nods towards the now vacated chair next to his bed.
The monk releases a mock-indignant huff. "I don't know why I even put up with you." he growls, half-teasing. "Baka."
Goku doesn't oppose the pet-name, but smiles back before succumbing to the sleep he had been snatched away from when woken by Sanzo's dreaming.
(Baka...) Sanzo restates in his mind, turning towards his own bed and slowly peeling off his robes in preparation for sleep. (But maybe...the real baka is me...)
-----
It is past midnight. Almost 12:30 in the morning. But still, no Gojyo.
(This is ridiculous. He isn't a child with a curfew. He is often out till all hours of the night. I shouldn't worry. I shouldn't be...)
Jealous? No. Hakkai isn't quite to the point of admitting something as revealing as that.
Lying awake in bed, the brunette blinks tiredly up at the dim ceiling. His monocle and headband have been set aside, and he is dressed in his black nightshirt and grey, cotton pants. He has been in bed for an hour or so now, eyes twitching to the clock again and again, unable to close and rest in sleep. The lights are all out, Hakuryuu is chirping blissfully in dragon dreamland, but Hakkai hangs on, waiting for the moment when Gojyo will be home.
(This isn't home. Home was him and me and that tiny little house. Home was cigarette smoke in every room. Home was a game of cards when it rained with more sake than either of us should have finished in a night. Home was when...he no longer came back after a night of gambling with the smell of sex reeking off his skin....)
Hakkai closes his eyes in remembrance, choosing not to take note of just how domestic his sentimentalities are. Oh yes, he can still remember that fowl, familiar smell. That smell of musk and sweat and sin. Nights with Gojyo coming home that way had ended long ago, within their first year as roommates.
If Gojyo thinks Hakkai doesn't knows just how long it has been since he got laid, he doesn't know a thing.
And while within those bitter thoughts, with his eyes clenched shut, Hakkai hears the door slowly creek open. At last, it is Gojyo. Hakkai knows this without a second thought. He knows his friend's presence better than he knows his own ki.
The half-breed enters quietly, believing Hakkai to be asleep, and Hakkai keeps his eyes shut to sustain that belief, slowing his breath to a convincing rhythm. He, in turn, can hear Gojyo breathing, as well as the shuffle of clothing as he moves, and soon the kappa begins to get ready for bed as well. In hardly no time at all, headband, shirt, and pants land in a pile on the floor with a dull thud. Boots are kicked off, cotton pants for bed--much like Hakkai's, only black--are pulled on, and Gojyo is suddenly moving across the floor towards the beds.
Hakkai's breath almost catches, sensing Gojyo so close. But at the risk of being caught feigning sleep, he dares a deeper breath, breathing in all he can of Gojyo's scent so near him as the redhead slips into the bed next to his.
Alcohol. A lot of it. The smell of cigarette smoke, though muted, as if Gojyo had only been around it and hadn't enjoyed one himself. Perfume, a floral scent, most likely from the woman he had been with. And...
And nothing. No musk. No exaggerated sweat. No sin.
The relief Hakkai finds in this discovery is far more pulsing than it should be, and yet it is what it is. Gojyo spent his evening with a woman, but he did NOT spend the night with her. Hakkai doesn't dwell on the reasons behind such a curiosity; he is content enough to leave it be.
But he still can't sleep. Judging from the irregular breaths that continue to drift from Gojyo's bed, the kappa can't either. Hakkai contemplates pretending to awaken, thus giving him leave to start a conversation, but dismisses the idea. To be honest, he doesn't want to talk with Gojyo. He is relieved, but still upset. Still unsure. Unsure of what, exactly, he doesn't know.
Needless to say, neither redhead nor brunette slept much that night.
tbc...
A/N: Now THAT was a dozey. Bet I had you all worried sick with the dream sequence, ne? You may also be disappointed Sanzo didn't express to the living Goku his affections, but revelations don't come in a night; give the boys time. As for Gojyo, you'll find out about his date next chapter, and as for Hakkai, his feelings are slowly rising to the surface even if he doesn't yet recognize them.
Thanks so much reviewers, (Sorchafyre for such honest critisism and praise, and Am1-13th, yes, I AM a prophet :) ) and to everyone else, your support is one of the reasons I love this so much. I'll do my best to get to the next chapter soon. Love you all!
Crim