To bare one's heart is not an easy matter. There are risks and complications you may never think of. There is heartache should your affections not be returned, and then resulting shame in having your feelings known to someone who would rather crush you beneath their boot than abide a kiss. And yet, through ages uncountable, people have confessed their love and continue to, despite the pain and torment that may follow. It is a risk. A gamble. It is the ultimate opportunity to let it ride and wait for that big, impossible payoff.
Not everyone is a gambler, and there is no sin in taking your time, as long as you maintain your goals. Goku still plans to tell Sanzo of his feelings within the next few days, even if he has to write them out. As for a GOAL, right now his main concern is the rumbling in his stomach.
Sanzo is still asleep--it is barely 7 in the morning, after all--so Goku moves stealthily, sliding out of bed and tip-toeing to the door. His throat aches, his head throbs, and his balance is still a bit off with such recent blood loss, but none of this deters him from his destination: the kitchen.
Ever so softly, he pulls the door shut behind him with a light click as he enters the hallway...
"Goku, what are you doing out of bed?"
Crap.
Deer. Headlights. That about sums up the famished boy's reaction to this sudden voice from behind him. He spins, wavering after moving so fast when he is still injured and in less than perfect condition, and is only semi-ready to face his accuser. Even at such an early hour, Mom has managed to catch him in the act.
Hakkai raises a scolding eyebrow, waiting for an answer whether Goku has the faculties to give him one or not. In defeat, Goku decides on the truth and bashfully lowers his head while rubbing his protesting stomach. Naturally, Hakkai releases a light chuckle in response to this, never one to harshly reprimand members of the family without severe cause.
"Of course. You didn't eat dinner last night, did you?"
Goku shakes his head as vigorously as his remaining wooziness will allow.
"Well, I suppose I can make you something, if you'd like. I'm sure they won't mind us borrowing the kitchen as long as someone responsible cleans up. Come on."
Goku doesn't need to be told twice; he is beaming, his energy renewed as he hops happily alongside Hakkai down the hallway to the stairs. When they reach them, Hakkai switches the bag in his hand from one to the other so he can grasp the railing as he goes down. Goku hadn't noticed the bag until now. Also, despite the early hour, he realizes that Hakkai is already dressed for the day.
Hoping to have all this explained, Goku tugs on Hakkai's shirt when they reach the bottom of the stairs and points questioningly to the bag.
"Ah, yes. I did a little shopping." the monocled man replies, smiling brilliantly as always as he leads the way to the kitchen. "I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd hit the market when it opened. They were rather surprised to find a customer waiting; the sun was barely up."
They reach the kitchen to discover it is blessedly empty. Hakkai turns on the light and steps in, setting his bag down on one of the tables inside. Goku follows eagerly and hops up onto one of its chairs.
"Oh, almost forgot." Hakkai smiles wider, reaching into the bag. "I bought something for you, Goku. I thought it might be helpful." The taller brunette produces a small whiteboard with attached orange marker and a string for it to be worn like a necklace.
If Goku still had his voice, he would have squealed in delight. Accepting it gratefully, he pulls it over his head and writes out a large, 'THANK YOU,' to Hakkai.
Hakkai releases a pleased laugh at the letters' size, and then jokes, "You so enjoy expressing yourself, Goku, I figured it would be necessary to save on trees."
Goku sticks out his tongue, but happily returns to fiddling with his new toy while Hakkai begins preparing him an early breakfast.
Essentially, all kitchens everywhere are the same. Once you find one thing, the locations of everything else fall into place. Hakkai makes himself very easily at home in this kitchen, and in no time at all he is stirring up rice, eggs, and dumplings--enough to feed far more than one small boy. If that boy wasn't Son Goku, that is.
The rising smell of deliciously cooking food unburies Goku from doodling so intensely on his pad, and he sniffs in anticipation at the simmering meal. Watching everything being stirred and flipped, he passes his gaze up--amazingly away from the food for a moment--to discover very tired looking emerald eyes and a sluggish expression.
Goku erases his pad with his sleeve to write Hakkai a note before poking the busy brunette in the arm. 'I can finish and then clean up myself if you want to go back to bed.'
Mentally admonishing himself for allowing his fatigue to show through, Hakkai attempts to smile it off, so enjoying this simple distraction from all the many things that had kept him up the night before. "I don't mind. You really shouldn't be on your feet anyway. Besides, I...I'd rather NOT go back to bed, if it's all the same."
There is desperation in that overly controlled tone. 'Did something happen?' Goku writes, gold eyes brimming with concern.
"What do you mean?"
A few quick moments as Goku replaces his statement. 'You seem sad.'
Hakkai smiles kindly, more genuine than his previous smiles allowed, and reaches a free hand out to ruffle Goku's hair affectionately. "I've just been...thinking too much lately."
'About Gojyo?' Goku writes impulsively, relishing that loving pat on his head, though not as much as he would have had the gesture come from a certain monk.
Hakkai is stunned by Goku's assertion. "How did you...ano...why do you say that?"
Realizing his possible folly, Goku quickly begins to devise a way out of this while still somewhat aiding Gojyo's cause. 'Did he do something?' he questions, keeping things as simple as possible.
Hakkai ponders that a moment, stirring the rice a little more and then depositing the finished eggs onto a ready plate. He isn't sure how much he dares share with the boy. "Well...he went out with a woman last night."
Goku is taken aback, and rightly so. After all, last he heard, Gojyo was still eventually going to confess a deeply rooted love for Hakkai. Why would he go out with some random woman only minutes after confirming that?
"Nothing happened." Hakkai mends suddenly, taking note of Goku's shock. "I haven't talked with him about it...but I know. Not that it's any of my business." he adds, pulling up his rapidly crumbling emotional shields.
It doesn't take a genius to read into Hakkai's blatant feelings on the matter; he is NOT happy Gojyo went out.
Goku sees this discovery as a blessing in disguise, having to fight down an ardent grin, and is thrilled in his newly forming belief that Hakkai somehow already returns Gojyo's feelings. The pair is so close, so inseparable and comfortable in one another's constant company, Goku's mind had wondered about them romantically for quite some time before reading the truth in Gojyo's journal. Perhaps his speculations are even more well-founded than he thought...
'You don't like when he goes off with girls, do you?' Goku writes, accepting the offered plate of eggs, though he refrains from digging in quite yet.
Hakkai starts again, feeling increasingly uncomfortable in this conversation. "Well...it IS unfair of him to seduce women he will most likely never see again."
Goku REALLY has to fight hard to quell his grin now. 'Would you rather he try and seduce someone he sees everyday?'
A resounding crash signals that Goku will no longer be enjoying the dumplings. "Oh dear..." Hakkai laments, rushing to clean up the slight mess and tossing out apologies to Goku for his clumsiness.
Only slightly disappointed in the loss of extra food, Goku at last allows his grin, believing his theories to be proving correct. When Hakkai stands back up, the dumplings tossed in the garbage and the floor wiped clean, Goku locks eyes with the older man, still waiting for an answer to his question.
"Ano...silly Goku. You're teasing me, ne?" Hakkai says with a tremor, aided by an expression that begs for the boy's understanding and asks silently for the matter not to be pushed any further.
Goku grins a very convincing, though misleading smile to assure Hakkai his comment had indeed been in jest, and the tension in the room dissipates. Goku eats, Hakkai simultaneously cleans up after him, and that common familiarity between close friends reigns stronger than what has been left unsaid.
When Goku has finished and the kitchen somehow manages to look as it had when they arrived, Goku moves to head upstairs, but turns to look back questioningly from the doorway.
Hakkai is still sitting at the table, planted to the spot. "I think I'll stay down here for awhile." the older brunette speaks softly--too soft, too weary for one so strong. "Unless, of course...you need help getting back up to bed?"
Goku smiles and shakes his head, but lifts his new medium for communication to write one final note before taking his leave. 'Are you SURE you're okay?'
As always, that persistent, plastic smile replies. "You should get some more rest, Goku. Don't worry about me."
And damn it if the stupid ape doesn't listen.
Plagued by his encounter with Hakkai, even on such a blessedly full stomach, Goku bounds up the stairs, far faster than someone in his condition should even entertain. Perhaps it was just his imagination; Hakkai was worried about Gojyo, didn't get much sleep, and...and what? What, short of an all out argument, would have driven Hakkai to such grief if not jealousy? And what of Gojyo going off with some random woman when he swore he would soon confess his true feelings for Hakkai?
The whole thing leaves a very queer feeling in the pit of Goku's recently filled stomach. At this point, he isn't sure which end is up when it comes to Gojyo and Hakkai.
Oh, wait...perhaps it isn't just his friends that have sent him into vertigo...
Winded and weighted down by so many rapidly playing thoughts, Goku's fatigue gets the better of him, and he suddenly feels nauseously faint. He swoons, the ceiling and floor no longer holding enough distinction to keep him upright. He feels himself falling...falling...and suddenly landing almost gently against something firm and smooth, like leather...
"Baka..." breathes a whisper beside his ear. Sanzo? It must be, Goku imagines, weightless as his limp body is lifted and held close within strong, encompassing arms. He cannot focus on the face above him, but the voice is surely Sanzo's. "I told you to stay in bed and recover, you fool monkey. If we're delayed here any longer because of you, I swear I will leave you behind."
Definitely Sanzo.
Goku protests to this remark with an indignant half-whimper from the back of his still injured throat, and attempts to struggle out of his guardian's hold, but he is still dizzy, and fails, his head falling heavily against Sanzo's chest.
"Damn saru." Sanzo chides. "Your stomach got you out of bed, I bet. You better not have made a mess."
As much as Goku would have liked to supply Sanzo with the truth, that Hakkai had made sure everything was neatly taken care of, he is too tired to explain. His quest for food had given him a boost of energy, but now that that need has been fulfilled, the full weariness of what he has been through reclaims his senses.
Feeling the softness of his bed beneath as Sanzo sets him down, Goku is suddenly very happy he swooned. The feel of Sanzo's lingering hold, the way he hovers above Goku in helping him under the covers, the haze in his eyes in the darkness...Goku finds it all frightfully evocative.
Sanzo pretends not to notice how those tired, golden eyes seem to regard him a little too closely. "Are you...sore or anything?" he asks offhandedly, standing up to put at least the semblance of more distance between them.
Goku makes a face to indicate he is, but that it isn't a concern.
"Stomach full and content?" the monk adds with a scolding sneer.
A weary grin replies.
And Sanzo almost catches his own mouth twitch, before defiantly suppressing it. "Bakazaru." he grunts. "Enjoy this pampering while you can. As soon as you're fit to travel, we're out of here. And once we leave, you and that cockroach better be damn sure nothing this stupid ever happens again."
Goku's eyes regain a moment of focus in silent protest.
"I don't care if it was an accident." Sanzo bites, reading Goku as easily as his memorized sutra--with sharp accuracy. "I don't have the time or the patience to worry about any of you. The mission is all that matters. Learn to take care of yourself or go the hell home."
Now that is harsh. Here Goku lays, tired, helpless, and unable to speak up to defend himself, and Sanzo is still barking out threats and insults? Goku would have punched him if he'd had the strength, and he would have burst out crying if he'd had the courage.
Needless to say, he does neither, but looks very hurt. Sanzo's words always carry a bit of poison, but this stings. It stings because Goku had believed for a fleeting moment that he was making progress even without confessing.
Meanwhile, Sanzo is drawn into those indignant eyes, that childish pout. Normally, he wouldn't have given it a second thought, but then he remembers how lonely, how lost he would be, if those eyes and every angry expression was suddenly and forever...gone.
Not that he cares...
"Baka..." he whispers again, though whether he means the name for Goku or himself is up for debate. He reaches out and ruffles the boy's sleep-tangled hair, allowing his hand to remain lost in the strands for perhaps a second or two longer than need be. "Go to sleep." He commands, and then returns to that stiff chair beside the bed instead of returning to sleep himself.
Goku almost tells Sanzo not to bother; the blonde needs his sleep, too. But to tell the truth, he rather likes having him so close. He rather likes...how Sanzo seems to like being there, too.
-----
Immersed in something other than bliss, the occupant left in the room next door lays helplessly awake in bed, having feigned sleep when Hakkai rose to leave earlier, and now bogged down by all the possible reasons for why his friend has gone out.
(Idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot!) Gojyo accuses--mainly directed at himself. (Up all night, practically, and for what? I didn't even try to talk to him. I know he was awake, too. He can't swindle me like everyone else; I've known him too long. Just what the hell does he want from me? It's not like I betrayed anything by going out. Hakkai's not mine and I'm not his. But...why would he get up so damn early if he wasn't pissed at me? Urg! I'm the one who should be pissed! He knows how I feel. He has to. And he just lay there...ignoring me. I could have gotten laid last night, damn it, if I hadn't been thinking about him! But no, I just had to go and be...decent. Fuck.)
What happened on Gojyo's fateful date? Not much out of the ordinary.
That sweet, young girl from the kitchenware store led him out to a local bar for a drink, a bite to eat, friendly conversation, and a no-strings-attached offer to come up to her place when they were done. He went--how could he refuse--but in the end, he became tangled in strings he had forgotten existed...
---
Gojyo's grin is charmingly crooked, teasing and seductive as he lowers the young woman--Rika...something; he never did catch her family name--onto her bed and pins her with his weight, kissing a tingling trail down her neck. She whimpers softly, submissive under his expert touch, though she is no amateur, either. Boldly, she lifts his chin to crash her lips upon his, intensity simmering over their heated flesh.
Yes, this is what Gojyo wants. If he can't have Hakkai, he will at least know this again--the friction and fire, the waves of rolling pleasure crashing down as her lips had crashed unto his.
Fumbling to undo Gojyo's pants, Rika untucks his shirt with a tug, slipping one hand eagerly up his stomach over that smooth, tan skin, while the other finishes undoing his trousers. Gojyo, in turn, has one hand gripping her thigh, the girl's skirt now pulled up to her waist, with the other moving to cup the soft mounds of flesh beneath her blouse. Both react hotly to the dirty deeds being dealt them, and both continue to assault in return.
Gojyo closes his eyes in carnal bliss a moment as the girl's small, cool hand slips inside his loosened pants to stroke down his inner thigh and along the grooves of his hips. It has been so long, he muses, striking down to deliver a few wet kisses to the skin under her collarbone and down between her still-covered breasts. It has been ages since he last discovered a willing partner, and at a time when he was willing to accept one.
For so long he has thought only of Hakkai. Hakkai's eyes, and smile, and slender hands. The curve of his jaw and faint hew of pink in his pale cheeks. The possibility of a stolen kiss or inescapable touch...
This fond reminiscing brings Gojyo out of his bliss, awakened by the gaping hole formed deep in his heart. He aches, he longs, and he is not fulfilled. Not by doing this. Not by adding yet another regret.
Gently but firmly stopping her hands from claiming their final destination, Gojyo lifts himself to look down at the lovely woman beneath, so eager for him, and so disheveled now because of him.
Her eyes flash with concern as he rolls away to sit on the edge of the bed. Fixing her disarrayed clothing and mussed hair, she soon joins him, and speaks in a tentative whisper. "Gojyo-san...what's wrong? Have I done something?"
Damn her for being so sweet. Gojyo buries his face in his hands--ashamed. "It's not you. I shouldn't...I shouldn't be doing this. Shit...I feel like a cheating husband, for cryin' out loud."
"You're married...?"
"No! I'm just...just --"
"Involved?"
"More or less."
Rika offers a small laugh, peering around to look Gojyo in the face when he lifts his head from his hands. "Then what are you doing here with me?"
Gojyo sighs, smiling meekly back at her. "It's complicated."
"Well then, it's a good thing you caught your mistake before we got too far. Love wouldn't be worth it if it wasn't complicated. Sounds like you need to get back to your friends."
"You're not...upset?"
"I'm a woman; of course I'm upset." she winks, nudging him playfully in the side. "But as a woman, I would never come between true love, not even for a face as pretty as yours."
---
And so, Gojyo trudged his way back to the Inn, sexually unfulfilled but with a clear conscience. Of course, he hadn't been able to speak to Hakkai, and Hakkai had said nothing to him, so now, hours later, Gojyo begins to wonder if Hakkai really does know of his true feelings and simply doesn't want to deal with them.
(Why else would he sulk all night and then just leave? Bakayarou!) Gojyo seethes, pushing up out of the bed and stomping his way to the door. (I can't take all this waiting around, wondering.) He reaches for the knob... (I'm going to find him, give him a damn strong piece of my mind, and--) ...and opens the door to discover the very person he had been ranting about.
Hakkai--just about to enter as Gojyo had been about to leave. They stand facing off, one on either side of the doorway, staring into each other's eyes, both equally stunned into silence.
At long last, Gojyo stubbornly crosses his arms and begins to speak. "I was just coming to look for you. What, swear off sleeping now?"
The quiet broken, Hakkai pushes past Gojyo into the room. "Goku needed something to eat. He never ate dinner."
Gojyo is far from satisfied with that answer, and follows, right on Hakkai's heels. "The monkey can down a meal in five minutes. You've been gone for almost 2 hours."
Hakkai tenses, startled by Gojyo's knowledge; he hadn't noticed Gojyo was awake when he left. "It sounds as if you're the one who's sworn off sleeping." he throws back, busying himself with folding his nightclothes and then going to the window to rouse Hakuryuu from sleep. "When did you get in last night? It must have been rather late."
"Cut the shit. I know you were awake." Gojyo bites in reply, shadowing every one of Hakkai's avoiding movements.
"Ah. So I was."
"And...?" Gojyo presses, becoming highly frustrated with his inability to capture Hakkai's eye. "Aren't ya gonna ask?"
"About your date?"
"What else?"
Hakkai smiles thinly, refusing to address Gojyo face to face as he kneels beside Hakuryuu and feeds the dragon a scrap of bread he had swiped from the kitchen. "I'm not all that interested in your conquests, Gojyo. Or lack there of." he adds.
Gojyo takes a step back, stung, still forced to speak to the back of Hakkai's head. "For your information, I didn't strike out."
Hakkai becomes rigid.
Had he been mistaken? Had Gojyo spent the night with that woman despite his foolish belief that he would have been able to tell if that had been the case?
Standing slowly from his low perch in front of Hakuryuu, Hakkai at last turns to face Gojyo head on, his smile gone, leaving no trace of emotion.
"I said no to her." the kappa finishes, smugly glaring his friend down.
"Oh?" Hakkai replies, instantly smiling again, more relieved than he would ever admit aloud. "And why is that?"
This is not the response Gojyo was looking for, so placid and offhand. He wanted signs of something, anything. Anything but that damn, cryptic smile. "Asshole. You know, don't you?" he whispers low, narrowing his eyes, and fueled in his accusing by Hakkai's choice not to react honestly. "You know and don't give a shit."
Hakkai is deeply shaken--he doesn't understand. "Gojyo, what are you talking about?"
Internally, Gojyo screams. He screams so loud, had it been audible, it would have shattered the windows.
Hakkai is playing with him, or so he believes. Hakkai knows Gojyo loves him and is doing nothing, admitting nothing. He leads Gojyo along, never showing an honest face--the face Gojyo so longs to see. The only face he could confess to, if it didn't already know. Know...and not care...
"Forget it." Gojyo growls, spinning on his heels. "Forget it!"
SLAM.
Hakkai jumps back, nearly knocked over by the force of Gojyo storming out and slamming the door behind him. He honestly doesn't understand, but he realizes he has only made things worse by wearing that smile and allowing such an uncaring attitude.
Slumping down, Hakkai falls to a cross-legged position on the floor and holds his face in his hands. "Gods, where is all this coming from?" he asks the air, barely able to acknowledge the soft 'kyuu' and nudge from Hakuryuu hopping up to sit on his knee. He strokes the dragon's head absently. "I don't even know what we're arguing about, Hakuryuu. I don't know why I feel so angry. I don't know why Gojyo is so angry with me. What have I done...?"
Just then, the door creeks open again, and Hakkai starts, leaping up to collect himself at the sight of the timid, gold eyes peering at him from just outside the room.
Goku enters, tilting his questioningly.
"Please, Goku, consider your manners before entering someone's room without knocking." Hakkai scolds with a misshapen smile, not quite as collected as he would like. "Is there something you needed?"
Goku frowns, immediately moving to scribble on his pad. 'Why did Gojyo run out?'
Hakkai's breath catches. "Shouldn't you be in bed?" he asks back, avoiding the question.
Goku rolls his eyes. 'I had to go to the bathroom.'
"Ah. Well...you should be getting back then, ne?"
The subtleties in Hakkai's statement are profoundly flat, and Goku makes no move to heed them. He stands there expectantly, waiting for Hakkai to address the matters at hand and stop dodging. He could wait forever if he had to.
(Always so genuinely concerned...ne, Goku?) Hakkai notes, sighing with imminent defeat under the prodding of those uncompromising eyes. (Forgive me, Gojyo, but once again I cannot go to you. How can I when you are the cause of my grief...?)
Somber and slow, Hakkai walks to his bed and eases down onto the edge. "We had an argument." he explains, picking up right where Goku's initial question began. "Though I don't really know what it was about. He's angry with me--accusing. Have I committed some sin against him, Goku, or...are my past deeds enough to drive him away..."
Goku can't help cringing at his friend's self-doubt, and he places a caring hand on Hakkai's shoulder as he sits down beside him. (What have you done, Gojyo...?)
"What could he be thinking?" Hakkai continues, wearing an expression reminiscent of the hopelessness he had displayed when faced with Chin Issou so much earlier in the journey. "What leads him to turn such anger on me? So much...powerful emotion..."
Plagued by guilt, Goku almost recoils, believing this to all somehow be his fault.
He had been the one to push Gojyo into agreeing to their pact. He had been the one to keep pushing Gojyo to confess. He had been the one to get so foolishly injured, placing far too much misdirected shame on Gojyo and thus leading Gojyo to now take his frustrations out on Hakkai.
Removing his hand to write out a new message, Goku tentatively turns it for Hakkai to read. 'If I knew, would it be right to tell you?'
Hakkai is taken aback; he had never imagined Goku held the answers he seeks. He had merely clung to the comfort of someone being his sounding board, even if no help could be offered. "Has Gojyo said something?" he presses, turning all his anguished attention on the boy beside him. "Do you know what all this is about?"
Of course Goku knows, and he nods with marginal hesitation. Why hold back now; Gojyo is obviously mistaken if he believes Hakkai already knows the truth.
"Please, Goku...tell me."
This is the test--Goku's test. Not a test as to whether or not he will betray a friend's trust, but whether or not he can see when trust must be betrayed for the good of that friend.
Goku thinks back over the past few days and decides that not a moment has been wasted or cause for regret. All has led to this moment, a moment Gojyo has made himself unable to discover on his own.
With deep resolution, Goku writes out three words--only three--upon his pad, and slowly turns them towards Hakkai.
'He loves you.'
tbc...
A/N: Just call me the Queen of Cliffhangers. :-) Sorry I took so long for this chapter, but I had a busy week and I'm getting ready for...SPRING BREAK! I really miss my boyfriend; it's not everyday you find a man willing to accept all your idiosyncrasies--yaoi included. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter. As a teaser for being so patient and helpful, I will let you all know that in the next chapter the boys are going to end up moving from their Inn to a bathhouse to aid in Goku's recovery. If you have seen the clips from Reload, you will understand why I must do this. Thanks again, oh faithful reviewers, for every insight, and please continue. Ja!
Crim