He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not.
'He loves you.'
Hakkai has been playing those words over in his mind for what feels like ages, staring at them, written finely on Goku's whiteboard. Three words is all it takes, even to crumble a nation or change the shape of history. It is the easiest way in the world to change the course of your life. Speak them. Hear them. Read them...
(He loves me...) Hakkai restates for the millionth time. (In love...Gojyo...with me...?)
Still sitting immobile on the bed, both Hakkai and Goku appear like still-life statues, frozen in some impossible moment in time. Goku is blessedly patient, willing to wait as long as it takes for Hakkai to digest what has been unleashed.
Finally, with an audible breath, Hakkai attempts to speak. "Goku...he...he told you this?" the older brunette asks, failing miserably at keeping his hands from shaking.
Deciding to skip over the finer details concerning how Goku actually found out, the monkey nods, at last lowering his pad now that he is certain Hakkai understands.
"And he thinks I know." Hakkai breathes, more to himself this time than to the boy beside him. "He thinks I know and don't care, because I give no reaction..."
Goku debates whether or not to ask the question burning through his mind, finally deciding he really can't go wrong after all the other transgressions he has committed today. Tugging on Hakkai's sleeve, he produces a new message for the older man to read. 'DID you know?' it asks, boldly displaying Goku's suspicions.
Hakkai blinks, his face pale and impossible to read. "I...how could I have? He...he..." But Hakkai trails off again, caught in Goku's trap--perhaps the suspicions on both Goku and Gojyo's parts are warranted. "He only gave himself away every moment of every day." Hakkai admits, staring down at his hands, now forming into uncommon fists. "Oh, Goku...he has every right to curse me. Somehow, I think I knew all along. I just couldn't accept something that seemed so very...impossible. I never expected anyone to ever love me again..."
Goku is deeply shaken by Hakkai's immense grief and such honestly expressed emotions. Hakkai is supposed to be composed and together, not this weakened mess sitting next to him.
Taking no pleasure in succumbing to such childish frustrations, Hakkai gradually gathers enough strength to calm down, sitting up as straight and tall and...composed as he can. "Goku...what should I do?" he asks point-blank, staring forward, still with no trace of a smile.
Goku ponders Hakkai's question thoughtfully, taking his time before writing down his advice. 'If you feel the same way, you should tell him.'
"Feel...the same...?" Hakkai states aloud, barely forming the words on his lips. "I...I don't...I don't know if I--"
With a quick grasp of Hakkai's arm, Goku stops his friend from finishing, silencing him until he can write an interruption. 'I've meddled enough.' he prints, smiling encouragingly before moving to add another phrase. 'Just think about it, Hakkai.'
Goku gets up and heads towards the door, satisfied with how things have played out, even if he had to betray Gojyo's trust in order to set things in motion. Now that he has, he doesn't want to be the cause of any influence; Hakkai needs to decide his own feelings for himself.
Just as Goku begins to push open the still semi-ajar door, Hakkai calls to stop him.
"Wait." he speaks, oddly strained, as if choking on the sound of his voice. Goku turns back, meeting the anguished expression of someone whose face is best when donned with a smile. "You're...going back to bed?" Hakkai questions lamely, unable to think of what else he had meant to say.
Goku nods.
Opening his mouth only to close it again a good dozen times, Hakkai searches for words--a question, a request, a comment--but nothing comes to him. So he merely smiles, as genuinely as he can. "Thank you." he expresses, and somehow, that smile finds its way to his eyes, clinging there for a moment as if lighting them on fire.
Goku smiles in reply, and in a heartbeat, he is gone, slipped through the door with it shut softly behind him.
(Think about it...) Hakkai ponders, falling back to lie on the bed. (As if I could think on anything else. Oh, Gojyo...do I return your affections?) He takes a deep breath and sighs, covering his eyes with his arm to drown out the sun's penetrating rays. (I honestly don't know...)
-----
Outside the room, Goku crosses the small bit of space from Hakkai's door to his own, and enters quietly, tip-toeing back to bed just as he had tip-toed out earlier--more than once.
Sanzo is asleep in the chair, his head hanging down against his chest, with strands of blonde hair brushing his closed eyes. His breathing is gentle and slow, like a mild purr, and Goku has to resist the urge to run his hands through that soft hair as he reaches the bed and pulls the covers back.
"For someone who's supposed to be half dead, you sure do get around."
Goku freezes, barely with one knee up on the bed. He turns his head to Sanzo in the chair beside him, and although the blonde's eyes are closed, they slowly, accusingly, open, burning with violet fire. Goku swallows, debating if he should attempt to defend himself.
Frowning deeply, Sanzo narrows his eyes as if to focus in on a pursued prey. "If you got out of bed for anything other than a bathroom break--"
Nodding furiously, Goku assures Sanzo that that had indeed been why he left.
"That better have been it, because if you're feeling well enough to go gallivanting around--"
This time, Goku shakes his head in opposition, just as furiously as he had nodded before. As if to prove the seriousness of his plight even more, he scrambles onto the bed and under the covers, honestly feeling dizzy for having been on his feet for so long.
Sanzo grumbles a few choice obscenities, before lifting himself heavily from the chair and briskly reaching out a hand to run from Goku's neck up the side of his face to his forehead. The boy's skin is clammy and warm, contrasting sharply with the cool metal of his diadem.
"Idiot." Sanzo growls, quickly pulling back after noting Goku's apparent fondness for having that large, cooling palm against his skin. "Your fever's up again. Major blood loss is not something to be taken lightly, even for a rechargeable monkey like you. Am I going to have to tie you to the bed?" he adds bluntly, initially missing the naughty connotations in that phrase.
Goku blushes and suppresses a laugh, knowing that even if he had succumbed, he wouldn't have made a sound.
Choosing to ignore Goku's flushed skin, attributing it to the increased fever, Sanzo scowls, and then turns away to head for the table to grab a smoke. But--once again--Goku's small hand grasping his wrist holds him back. He sighs, not wanting to turn, not wanting to allow himself to be so submissive under Goku's pull. And yet, turn he does, though instead of seeing Goku as he is, Sanzo is suddenly confronted with the apparition from his dream.
He sees blood. He sees pain. He sees dim, empty eyes staring at him with no recognition, because Goku is dead and gone, and he will never come back.
Sanzo clenches his eyes shut, refusing to open them again until he is certain those images will be gone. When he finally does, Goku looks right again--alive, smiling, eyes shining, and still with traces of that blush.
"What...?" Sanzo demands, his voice dimmed by the unsteadiness of his nerves.
Goku can only smile wider, and increases his grip on Sanzo's wrist, not in an aggressive way, but as if giving the monk support through the contact of their skin.
"What?" Sanzo demands again, highly uncomfortable now, as he tugs his arm back to free himself from Goku's grasp. "Stop looking at me like that. What's wrong with you?" A final jerk sets his arm free, pulling it from Goku's fingers. The boy is slightly disappointed but does not lose his smile. "You're creeping me out. Stupid ape. Quit looking like you're about to kiss me or something."
Goku laughs--basically, a humored release of air--and suddenly remembers he has yet to remove the whiteboard from around his neck. He looks very contemplative for a moment, but with the boost of helping out Hakkai and Gojyo's situation, he resolves to take a leap of his own.
Picking up his marker, he writes, smiling just as brightly when he turns the message around for Sanzo to see.
'What if I WANT to kiss you?'
If possible, all the remaining blood in Sanzo's face rushes to his feet. "Qu-Quit goofing around!" he barks, failing at keeping such obvious distress from entering his expression and his voice.
Goku does not need to write out his reply; his face clearly states he is not joking.
"Saru...stupid...baka...I don't...and we...you can't..." Oh gods! He can't even speak. He can't think. Genjo Sanzo does not get tongue-tied; he always has a witty, scornful remark on hand. Where are those words now? Why can't he shoot Goku down? Why can't he say...anything?
The broad smile still plastered on Goku's face proves just how much he is enjoying Sanzo's fumbling for words. And, after all, the monk's inability to form a coherent sentence only reinforces Goku's suspicions.
He doesn't need to hear Sanzo say 'I love you' back, but he has to tell him. He has seen what stalling is doing to Hakkai and Gojyo, and he doesn't even have that kind of easy relationship to spoil--he has Sanzo. It is a risk, to be sure, but after staring death in the face for the millionth time, he figures...what the hell?
Erasing his whiteboard, he begins to write again, but before he can turn it out for Sanzo to read, the monk suddenly snatches it from around his neck and chucks it across the room.
"I can't deal with this!" Sanzo cries, straining to keep his voice from cracking. "I can't deal with this..."
Goku looks up at him, stunned and hurt. Perhaps Hell is closer at hand than he thought.
Breathing heavily, Sanzo refuses to meet Goku's gaze. "Can't this...wait...until you're better? Until...this journey is over?"
Goku is stubborn and steadfast, and captures Sanzo's eyes against the blonde's will. Firmly, with that recent smile turned into a thin frown, Goku shakes his head. Of course Sanzo all ready knows what Goku wants to say; he may be a bastard, but he isn't blind. The problem for Goku has always been the idea of bringing that truth to light, and now that he is ready to, he refuses to be shot down.
"I know what you're thinking." Sanzo speaks, as if accusing Goku of some horrible crime. "I know what thoughts you're entertaining about us, and it has to stop. There are roles we were meant to play in each other's lives, and only those roles."
Goku shakes his head again, fighting hard to keep down the tears springing to his eyes.
"Forget all this foolishness. We can deal with it when this mission is over, when we're home."
"No..." Goku hisses, cringing after forcing the word from his lips. His throat stings now, immensely, but it is worth every ounce of discomfort to see the mighty Sanzo's mask drop.
"I...I can't do this now...I can't look at you and ignore what I...feel...but I can't feel it! I need you, isn't that enough? I need you...and I don't want to lose you. I don't ever want to lose you, but...but I can't...I can't--"
Breath--stolen in a heartbeat.
Pushing beyond all his limits of fatigue, Goku has leapt forward onto his knees, grasped Sanzo by the shoulders, and crashed their lips together. To hell with fear. To hell with Hell! If Sanzo refuses to see the truth, he must be shown. And at this point, Goku has no reservations. Not anymore.
The kiss is no more penetrating or deep than the force of lips upon lips, but the passion and intensity behind Goku's act of desperate affection drowns them both. For that moment, they are lost at sea. There is no West. There is no Gojyo or Hakkai, no Kougaiji or Gyumaoh. There is no unleashed secret...because both knew long ago what lay between them.
Goku began the kiss and Goku breaks it, still holding Sanzo in place with firm hands on his shoulders. 'I love you,' he breathes against Sanzo's now dampened lips, resting their foreheads together. His words make no sound, but Sanzo hears, Sanzo knows, and even though both their eyes are closed, he is finally being forced to see.
"...baka..." he whispers between short gasps of stolen breath, not pulling back and not pushing away. "Have you no patience, you couldn't even let me finish speaking?" Sanzo feels Goku nod. "LEARN patience then. This isn't possible now."
A strangled cry of protest escapes Goku's throat, and the boy pulls away, angrily staring back at the flushed priest beside his bed.
As Sanzo's eyes open, he accepts that withering look. He knows he could have stopped the kiss at any time, but he didn't, and now here he is, starting all over again, declaring that right now a deeper relationship between them would be impossible.
As far as Goku is concerned, such thinking is unacceptable.
Certain he has the monk's full attention, Goku very pointedly mouths, 'I-LOVE-YOU,' gesturing from himself to Sanzo. Then, with fiery heat rising to his cheeks, he crosses his arms and falls back to sit on his heels, before moving his lips again. 'Don't you care?'
A lump forms in Sanzo's throat, strangling back his angry tone. "Contrary to popular opinion, yes I do. I care and I know how you feel, but things are too complicated right now. We have an obligation. There will be another time and place to deal with this--"
"No there won't...!" Goku forces out, ignoring the searing in his throat, and springing up fully onto his knees again. "I almost...died yesterday. What happens to that...time and place...if one of us...dies...?" His voice is rough, like sand churned under Jeep's wheels, and low enough that Sanzo has to strain to make out the words. Goku's voice isn't truly there, but he can force enough free to make himself understood. "I love you...Sanzo...and that can't wait..."
Just as Goku speaks that final phrase, he suddenly swoons, worn out from such high excitement and such forceful damage done to his injury. Sanzo easily catches him and gently lays him back, settling him properly into bed. "Stop. Don't speak. You're hurting yourself." he protests, wishing he could continue dismissing Goku's position, though he is finally beginning to realize he can't.
There are no excuses.
"Sleep, you fool animal." Sanzo whispers low beside Goku's ear, allowing their cheeks to brush together. "I don't want you making yourself worse on account of me. You're right...something like this can't wait..." Pulling back just enough to catch Goku's eye, Sanzo immediately dives back in, capturing Goku's lips as his had been captured before. "My feelings are the same as yours." Sanzo admits when they break apart, still pulled down close, hovering above Goku's small form in the bed. "Know that...and let it be enough for now. I need time, but I won't make you wait forever."
Still dizzy and flushed--from more than just his fever and injuries--Goku smiles and nods, his eyes heavy with the call for sleep. It isn't an, 'I love you,' but it is more than he expected. It is all he really wanted.
"Don't let all this go to your head, bakazaru." Sanzo adds, snuggly tucking Goku back under the covers. "Don't expect any special treatment. You're still a stupid monkey, and I'm still you're guardian--whether I want to be or not. Understand?"
Eons beyond contentment, Goku nods again and snuggles down deep into his pillow, off to frolic in dreamland before Sanzo can even brush the hair from his eyes.
Sanzo huffs, but doesn't complain. Trekking to the table, he takes out that much needed cigarette, lights it, and indulges in the longest drag humanly possible. He just contradicted himself about a million times over in that interaction, but hell if he cares. Those who live by the sword die by the sword, right? And he is sick and tired of living his life two steps from death, when at any moment he could lose it all without even having it.
Out of the corner of his eye, Sanzo catches sight of the whiteboard on the floor--facedown by the window. He walks over, picks it up, and turns it to read, no longer frightened by what might be written.
Indeed, the simple phrase, 'I love you, Sanzo,' stares back at him, barring nothing. Goku had truly been driven to a point of no return, with no regrets or uncertainties.
Despite his supposedly cold nature, Sanzo smiles, just a small twitch at the corner of his lips, and when he turns to look back at Goku in the bed, he could have sworn two golden eyes--for a split second--had been watching him.
-----
(It's official; I am the stupidest, sorriest excuse for a dirty, rotten half-breed ever to grace this shit-hole planet.)
Sitting on the steps that lead into the Inn's inner courtyard and garden--it IS the largest and snazziest inn in town, after all--Gojyo is not enjoying the lovely scenery as much as one might expect. Flowers of every shade bloom wild around him, there is a pond, a few scattered fountains, and a bright blue sky full of sunshine above him, but his eyes are focused far off, nowhere near his actual location.
(This is what I'm going to do: I'm going to find him, apologize, cut my losses, and just ease back into the way things used to be. Who cares if he knows; it was better when I didn't deal with it. It was better when I pretended not to feel the way I do. I'd rather have him as a friend for life than as some stranger who won't even look at me like I'm...worth noticing. I need Hakkai to be...Hakkai...even if friends is all we ever are...)
"Enjoying the fresh air without a cigarette? That's a first."
(Damn him and his perfect timing...)
Hakkai has entered the courtyard and joins Gojyo on the steps, keeping a good distance, but making the effort, nonetheless. He looks as he always does--calm, smiling, beautiful...
Gojyo swallows, keeping that distant point in sight, if only to avoid meeting a smile he does not feel he deserves. "You have no idea how much I want one." he laughs, hollow but honest.
"Had I known you were out, I would have picked you up a pack." Hakkai assures, falling into easy conversation so effortlessly, one would think they hadn't just had a horrible argument, and that he didn't now know his best friend's deepest secret.
Finding all of this suddenly terribly ironic, Gojyo shakes his head and laughs again. "Not out. Quit."
Hakkai is rightly shocked, but tries his best not to show it. "Oh? May I ask why?"
"Long story."
"Well, I guess I can't patronize you with the threat of lung cancer anymore then, hmm?"
A soft chuckle--from both. Yes, it is easy to slip into the veil of their close friendship, especially since they know each other as well as a husband and wife. Both have their pet peeves and idiosyncrasies, and they accept that about one another. Most of the time, they find the little things that might annoy just about anyone else...charming.
The way Hakkai folds everything. The way Gojyo leaves a trail of ashes wherever he goes. The way Hakkai hums when he cooks. The way Gojyo sings in the shower. The way Hakkai can look his scariest while still wearing a smile. The way Gojyo never cheats at cards, unless he has something to lose. The way Hakkai's breath catches whenever Gojyo walks from the bathroom to the bedroom with nothing but a towel loosely held around his waist. The way Gojyo lingers near Hakkai in the mornings if only to catch an extra whiff of the brunette's freshly washed hair.
The way neither one of them can plainly state what's on their minds, especially when what IS on their minds could shatter the very world they live in.
"Look...nicotine withdrawal aside, I've been acting like an ass lately." Gojyo speaks finally, still staring forward at the buzzing garden. "Can we just...forget the past few days?"
Hakkai fights to hold back his disappointment. He thought that after the display upstairs, Gojyo would surely admit his true feelings and save him the burden of having to bring things up himself. "Just...forget?" he asks, giving Gojyo the chance to redeem the situation.
"I've been heaping nonsense on you, nonstop. Yeah...I think I want to forget." Gojyo confirms. "Things will be better if we just let everything go back to normal, ya know?"
"Better...right..." Hakkai repeats vaguely.
Why is it that he does not speak up? Because he wants Gojyo to have the courage to admit the truth first. Deep in his heart, Hakkai already knows how he feels in return, but fear wins out on his end, too, because he can't yet recognize what those feelings are. He can't take the leap alone.
"Well, then, if that's what you want--"
"Sumimasen. Cho-san?" a voice questions from just behind them. Gojyo and Hakkai turn back to the entrance, met by the familiar sight of the desk clerk. "I'm so sorry to interrupt, but the movers are here to get your party's things."
"Ah, so soon?" Hakkai smiles, happily delaying the inevitable as he stands to approach the clerk. "I commend their speed. Please, show them to my room, but allow me to stop by the other one before sending them there. I haven't told the others yet."
"Uhhh...you haven't told ME yet." Gojyo informs, standing as well, and raising an eyebrow at Hakkai now that the clerk has disappeared to carry out his orders. "Would you mind explaining what he meant by movers coming to get our things?"
Hakkai's plastered smile beams brightly, undaunted. "While I was out this morning I passed a place far better suited for Goku's recovery, so I requested that we be moved there immediately. It's a branch of this Inn, so they are being wonderfully hospitable."
"Hang on a sec." Gojyo continues, moving to block Hakkai's path since the healer had been about to head inside. "What kinda place is this, anyway?"
"Oh...just a bathhouse."
tbc...
A/N: Man, I bet you guys hate how slow I'm going now. I remember when a chapter a week wasn't all that bad, but I'll do my best to move faster. I'm home now for spring break and have many plans, including an anime convention this coming Friday through Sunday. Hey, if anyone's planning on going to the Anime Detour convention in Bloomington, MN this weekend, let me know, and maybe I'll see you there. I'm so excited! After all these years, I'm going to my first con.
Okay, as far as the story goes, sorry if you thought they'd already be at the bathhouse, but things came up that the boys had to deal with. Hope you enjoyed the Sanzo/Goku progress. I know I'm just shy of 100 reviews, but consider it the 100 review bonus anyway. :-) How are things going to progress with Gojyo and Hakkai? Well, for a little preview, I'll let you know that it involves a Goku and Gojyo confrontation. Hope you're still enjoying this story and thanks so much for the continued support. I especially enjoy the comments on Hakkai's character. Some people find him ooc and yet they enjoy the tension, others think he is perfectly in character only twisted to fit how he would react in situations like these. I also like that most of you are enjoying how Goku is the emotionally strongest character for the most part. What can I say, I just let the boys take me where they want. Okay, off I go to...watch some Saiyuki, so hope you liked and PLEASE REVIEW. Love ya!
Crim