(Someone kill me...)
Rushing forward from the back of his mind, Hakkai's memories play like an acted out drama before his eyes, every sense and feeling brought back to life from a time long dead. He can see her--Kanan--so fragile and beautiful, smiling that never-ending smile, just for him. He remembers the feel of her hand in his, of her fingers running through his hair--longer then. He feels the pain, the horror of it all when she was stolen from him, having stabbed herself with his own knife. He had been right there, but he could do nothing to stop it.
A new series of images begin. Rain. It always begins with rain. Above him, there is red--red hair, red eyes, the red tip of a burning cigarette. Days later he sees that same mass of red, now formed into a person--Gojyo. Sha Gojyo became the dearest friend he ever had in the world and led him to new ones--Sanzo and Goku--before allowing him into his home to stay. Three years they were together, with Gojyo saying nothing of his feelings, and Hakkai unable to recognize his own.
Skip ahead to the past few days. Truth, spelled out on the white surface of Goku's little pad. There had been anger and confusion, but in the end...bliss. The pair had barely begun to explore their shared feelings, and now...now...it is too late.
Gojyo lies in Hakkai's arms--not breathing, no pulse, no signs of life. Hakkai had been so close, but not close enough to save Gojyo in time. He had been right there, but he could do nothing to stop his beloved's death...for a second time.
Hakkai's breathing is haggard and heavy now, every inch of him trembling under the pull of power as his limiters glow, brighter and brighter, cracking under the pressure of his rage until...they shatter, leaving no trace of silver save the dull glow beginning to surround him as his body starts to change
"He...he's youkai?!" the Akaanai leader gasps, his little melodrama suddenly no longer playing out as he had imagined.
Sanzo doesn't need to be told or warned; Hakkai without his limiters, enraged beyond reason, is not something he wants to be near. "Come on!" he shouts in Goku's ear, and grips the boy's arm roughly as he darts back to the trees, tossing Goku down into the bushes before settling himself down as well.
From where they are now, they can still see everything, but they are hidden beneath the brush, hopefully enough so to keep them from Hakkai's view should he no longer remember the difference between friend and foe.
Advancing without nearly enough caution, the many spaced out Akaanai begin approaching the transforming Hakkai. Unsheathing their swords, all thought to summoning illusions falls to the back of their minds as they prepare to fight, unable to recognize that a single youkai--at least, this single youkai--will not be easy to dispose of.
Still crouched at the base of the tree, Hakkai stares down at his hands, which are shaking so hard he can barely see them as anything but a blur. Slowly, his fingernails begin to lengthen and he watches in vague fascination as a vine-like tattoo starts coiling its way around his fingers and up his arms. Leaving Gojyo on the ground, he stands, unsteady on his feet, but determined--unnaturally determined. Suddenly, his eyes burn and he tears at his monocle, tossing it to the ground. Next, he rips off his bandana, his sash, too, and then tugs at his collar, pulling it open to reveal a small space of pale skin. There, also, the vines are spreading, wrapping up around his neck and face, and out around his elongating ears. He releases a howl, exposing sharp canines, and then slowly flexes his newly formed claws.
He is no longer shaking, his breathing stilling to a dim growl. His hair is longer, touching his shoulders, and his eyes...his eyes are an almost iridescent green, with slits for pupils and a hunger behind them demanding to be satiated. A ravenous grin stretches the length of his face, and his tongue slips out to lick anxiously at his lips.
Back under the brush, Goku tugs at Sanzo's sleeve, looking to the monk questioningly.
"Have you ever seen Hakkai like this?" Sanzo asks in response, keeping his voice low.
Goku shakes his head.
"I have. Once. The Sanbutsushin asked him to remove his limiters the day I brought him there. He did. He shook the whole time, in constant struggle with remaining in control. And that was before the minus wave. They saw his danger then and asked him to keep his limiters on...indefinitely. He was told to remove them only if there was no other option."
Goku swallows, looking up as if to ask, 'Is he really that dangerous?'
Settling his violet gaze on the figures ahead of them, Sanzo watches as Hakkai prowls, stalking his prey slowly, waiting for one of them to make the first move. "There is no control in his eyes this time."
A moment later, one of the Akaanai soldiers rushes forward, sword drawn, intent on beginning the attack, and foolishly believing he stands a chance.
"Goku...don't watch..." Sanzo whispers, his expression devastatingly blank. A week ago, Goku would have found Sanzo's demeanor and words of warning odd coming from him, but not today.
Unable to heed his guardian's words, Goku finds himself staring out, captivated by the scene before him as the slaughter begins.
One moment Hakkai is standing there, waiting, and the next he is gone, having moved so fast, the eye could not keep him.
The Akaanai that had charged towards him stops dead, searching the immediate area frantically. A rumbling laughter echoes through the trees then, dark and hollow, before Hakkai is suddenly in sight again, right next to the soldier with his claws dug deep into the man's side. The Akaanai barely cries out before a few quick turns of Hakkai's wrists cuts him clean in two.
The man's comrades back off instantly, holding down the churning in their stomachs as they watch Hakkai's now bloodied claws reach up to his mouth for him to lick them clean.
Two more Akaanai fall before the others can even begin to realize they stand no chance against this enemy. Blood is spilt recklessly, for sport, with limbs torn from beaten bodies, and heads sent flying into the remaining Akaanai's ranks.
Still hidden, Goku cannot tear his eyes away. The brutality of it is nothing like what any of them show when fighting youkai. The pure enjoyment Hakkai is taking from it--the smile on his face, the glint in his eyes--churns his own stomach almost more so than the sight of so much blood and tissue strewn over the grass.
No other youkai--save perhaps Seiten Taisei--would stand a chance against Hakkai in his true form, let alone these pitiful humans.
None of the Akaanai have the speed or strength to carry themselves to safety before Hakkai's claws tear into their flesh, spraying red over every nearby surface. When the last of them finally falls, the brunette is so covered in filth from his excursions, his shirt and pants appear almost black. His claws drip, his face is smeared, and his smile remains even as he looks out over the many bodies he has laid to waste.
Jumping up from his hiding spot within the bushes, Goku sprints ahead towards his transformed friend, offering Sanzo no warning before leaping forward into danger he does not understand.
"Goku!!" Sanzo yells, leaping up after the boy in pursuit.
As Goku approaches, he slows his pace, waiting for Hakkai to notice him.
Hakkai does.
His expression darkening, still with that horrific smile, the full youkai turns immediately to prowl towards the younger man, flexing his long, soiled claws.
"Goku, stay back!"
Standing frozen to the spot, Goku's thoughtless act begins to sink in, and he realizes just how much danger he has put himself in. Still, he hadn't been able to stop himself from rushing forward. Hakkai is his friend. Why would he think to be afraid?
Choking back his nerves, Goku stands his ground, pleading silently for Hakkai's remaining humanity to reclaim control.
Never taking his eyes from Hakkai as the youkai stalks Goku--just as he had stalked the Akaanai--Sanzo tentatively approaches the pair, hating how Goku is out of his reach, though the boy is well within the reach of Hakkai's claws. "Hakkai...pull yourself together..." he commands, hoping to lure the youkai's attention off Goku and onto himself. It doesn't work. "Listen to me. The enemy is dead. You killed them all. Nothing you do now can bring Gojyo back."
"Shut up!" growls an unnatural voice, fitting this newly formed image, though not at all fitting the Hakkai they know. It is coarse and low--dark. "You..." it hisses. "...you...cannot understand..."
"You think I don't understand loss? You know I do, Hakkai. I've suffered the same as you."
"Twice?" the voice rumbles. "The loves of my life...twice have been taken from me..."
Hakkai circles Goku closely, and the sight of one friend preparing to strike another causes Sanzo's trigger finger to flinch. Hakkai really is going to attack. Sanzo and Goku can both tangibly feel it in their bones, piercing through them with the sting of that deadly voice and the intensity of those deep, emerald eyes.
Sanzo stiffens in preparation, and Goku--so helplessly afraid--clenches his eyes shut. The poor boy cannot bear the thought of watching his friend's attack coming, not if it means fighting back is the only way to save himself. He would rather die than hurt his friends, and deep down, he knows Hakkai feels the same way. Sanzo, too, must recognize that.
The monk will not hesitate to fire his gun if he sees no other choice.
For a fleeting moment, Hakkai's gaze is drawn away as he looks back at the still form of Gojyo beneath the tree. His fists instantly clench. Gojyo is all he sees. Loss is all he understands. Blood is all he craves. Even innocent blood...
Slowly, Hakkai turns his head back to stare at Goku, and grins, readying his claws.
"What do you think killing Goku or me will get you?" Sanzo asks quickly, despairingly trying to think of a way out of this. Any way.
"The world...the world will know my pain..." Hakkai reasons, steadying his footing in preparation to strike.
Set between one friend desperate to save him and another determined to destroy him, Goku cannot keep his body from shaking, wishing he might at any moment wake from this horrible nightmare.
"The world must know...starting with you...priest..." Hakkai's eyes glance momentarily up at Sanzo, before returning to Goku. "You think you understand...but the only way you can...is by losing everything...for a second time..."
Time. There is no time. One moment Hakkai is there, the next he is beside Goku, slashing brutally at the boy's chest.
Goku screams--something strangled and heartbreaking--and falls to the ground at Hakkai's feet. Sanzo does not recognize his own scream at first, for it had sounded with Goku's, though it lingers longer, ricocheting off the trees.
Swooping down, Hakkai snatches Goku from the ground with a stinging grip on the boy's neck. Blood is streaming down Goku's chest, his eyes panicked and wide as he stares down at Hakkai in anguish for so much he cannot say.
"Damn you!" Sanzo screams, lifting his gun in one fell swoop to steady at his dear, misguided friend, his hand desperately wanting to tremble, though he keeps it steady. "This isn't what you want, Hakkai! Stop being an idiot! I will shoot you if I have to!"
Hakkai sneers at Sanzo's threat and steadied weapon, but when he looks back to Goku, dangling off the ground within his grasp, he falters.
Buried within his altered body, the same heart still rests, the same spirit, struggling to keep its place. Whatever hold the Hakkai they call friend has over his demon form, it is rapidly losing the battle, but not before allowing one final act of humanity.
"The world WILL know my pain..." he vows, and in a flurry of red and green and disrupted wind, he is gone, out of sight, with Goku thrown roughly at an unprepared Sanzo, knocking them both to the ground.
"Goku!" Sanzo cries, clutching at the boy as he gathers the both of them up and lays Goku gently on the ground to get a look at Hakkai's handiwork. "You stupid monkey! What were you thinking!?"
Goku merely smiles, though weakly, trying his best to steady his breathing in order to ease Sanzo's concerns. The slashes aren't that deep, but they sting more than he can rightly stand, and he can't help flinching when Sanzo begins removing his torn shirt from the open wounds.
Sanzo, as delicately as he can, removes every last scrap, exposing Goku's injured chest, and begins using what he is able to salvage of the shirt as makeshift bandages. It isn't quite enough, but it will have to do.
"He's gone back to town. I'm sure of it. He wants to destroy everything. It's the same as you...only with intelligibility. He knows what he's doing and he's allowing it."
Sanzo explains this quietly, uncharacteristically thoughtful, while carefully helping Goku into a sitting position. He feels strange playing healer, with so motherly a tone and so much offered support in his touch. He prays to the gods it will not be a permanent position, but right now, he really can't imagine any other outcome.
"Goku...we have to stop him. Can you make it?"
Pained by far more than just his injuries, Goku nods anyway, and allows Sanzo to help him stand. Once steady on his feet, he looks to Sanzo with great concern, his question clear despite lack of works. 'What do we do?'
Even if he could have thought of a solution, Sanzo wouldn't have had the faith to speak it. "I don't know..."
Just then, Sanzo jumps, startled by the feeling of something wet and feeble slapping at his ankle. When he looks down, he sees that it is the Akaanai leader--what is left of him--who has dragged his way over to them along the ground.
He is the only one even remotely alive.
"...others...will come...to avenge us..." he rasps, his lips barely intact enough on his mangled face to form the words at all.
"Get off me!" Sanzo barks, kicking that hand away. "You brought this on yourself! Because of you and your close-minded ideals, thousands of townspeople's lives are in danger, and my friends...!" Sanzo trails a little, catching himself for outwardly admitting the others are his friends. He swallows, composing himself. "I have no sympathy for you."
In that very moment, as Sanzo looks down in disdain, the leader's eyes dim and he breathes his last, the final man to pass on, leaving no one to tell their sob story. The thing is, in the instant of his death, all the remaining illusions snuffed out with him.
A scattering of extra trees vanishes right before Sanzo and Goku's eyes. The complex? Nothing but a cave disappearing into darkness. Whatever source of light had been nearby is also gone, shrouding them in a deep black within the remaining traces of night--it is early morning at best, maybe two or three, and they are suddenly consumed by the reminder. The large tree by what had been the Akaanai's complex vanishes as well, and what Goku sees next, something Sanzo nearly misses since he is busy staring in continued awe at Hakkai's many victims, is that Gojyo's body is starting to fade, too.
Grasping Sanzo's arm, Goku pulls the monk forward and points wildly at their still and stiffened friend. He is barely a shadow now, and a moment later, he is gone.
Sanzo's breath hitches. "Another illusion...?" he questions, the lump in his throat sinking to his stomach to twist his insides apart. "He's alive..." he breathes, and in that realization, no amount of pride could have kept him from calling out. "Gojyo! Gojyo!"
From inside the cave, a muffled reply calls out, though they cannot decipher what it has said. No matter. It is more than they need to send them sprinting towards the cave's mouth and dashing inside.
Around a curve along the inside of the cave, they suddenly reach the back--it isn't all that large--and built into the side wall is a cell...with Gojyo inside while Hakuryuu wildly attempts to break the lock with his talons.
Sanzo and Goku stop dead, because the two friends they believed they had lost...are alive.
"Took you long enough." Gojyo scoffs, his usual, sardonic self. He stands there behind the bars, looking exactly as his copy had--ratty, black pants, dirtied hair and skin, the fire clinging to his eyes. "This little guy's been running himself ragged tryin' to get me out." he adds, motioning to Hakuryuu.
It is in that moment that Goku comes to his senses, and in a desperate surge forward he pulls the unsuspecting dragon in for a vigorous hug while beaming at Gojyo through the bars.
Gojyo looks at the boy with a raised eyebrow, noticing the smear of red against what is left of his shirt, and now staining Hakuryuu's pure white scales. "What happened to you?" he asks, knitting his brow.
He doesn't receive an answer.
"Stand back." Sanzo commands, pulling out his gun to point at the lock.
Goku pulls Hakuryuu and himself off to the side, and Gojyo steps as far away as he can, pressed back into the wall.
Bang! The lock pops, and with a light kick the door swings open for Gojyo to slip out. He limps a little, but otherwise appears to be perfectly fine.
"Sorry if I move a little slow. That bastard pumped me full of some damn muscle relaxant a while back. It's almost worn off now." Gojyo explains, not yet recognizing the shocked and somber expressions on his friends' faces. "What was with all the noise out there, huh?" the kappa continues, pressing his fingers into a stiff shoulder to loosen it, while pacing around the cave, trying to get his feet to remember how to walk. "You must have offed the leader if the illusions faded out. I can't believe this place was nothin' but a cave the whole time."
Sanzo and Goku remain silent--Goku for more reasons than his lack of voice--and they stare at Gojyo in heartbroken fascination. It all feels so unfair. So wrong.
"What's with you two?" Gojyo asks, coming to a stop between them, looking from one to the other. It is only then that he realizes Hakuryuu is fluttering madly, searching for a familiar shoulder with which to perch on, but unable to find the one he seeks.
The shoulders he is looking for aren't there.
"Where's Hakkai?" Gojyo questions slowly, internally kicking himself for not noticing his better half's absence right away.
At Gojyo's words, Goku instinctively tries to cover up his marks, folding his arms over his chest. Sanzo, for his part, remains very still--silent.
"Where is he?" Gojyo asks more forcefully, rightly worried now and in no mood for silent reflection.
Steadying his gaze on Gojyo and keeping his features as blank as his whirling emotions will allow, Sanzo speaks, his words hollow and stiff. "We thought you were dead."
Beat. Gojyo wasn't expecting that. "What?"
"We thought you were dead." Sanzo repeats. "The Akaanai, they had a copy of you along with everything else. We saw you die. I felt your pulse. Hakuryuu, too. He died right in front of us."
Gojyo just stands there a moment, unable to process this or think of what to say. Slowly, what must have happened begins to dawn on him, and when he looks up again to take in the sight of Goku's marks--the CLAW marks raked across his chest--he knows he has guessed right. "He pulled a Seiten Taisei...didn't he?" he speaks softly, knowing the answer already. But then, another thought crosses his mind--a vision of the worst that could have happened--and Gojyo suddenly lunges at Sanzo, gripping him harshly by the front of his robes. "You shot him, didn't you, you son-of-a-bitch!?! You killed him!!"
"I did no such thing!" Sanzo barks back, peeling Gojyo's fingers from his collar and glaring his deadliest 'how dare you touch me' expression. "But you know I would have. I will...if it comes to that. Hakkai is completely out of it. He did that to Goku." Sanzo stresses, pointing back at the boy's wounds. "He was going to kill him and probably me, too. And he knew what he was doing. He knew...on some level, he knew...and he still lashed out at us."
"So what?" Gojyo bites in reply, allowing his hands to fall to his sides, though now they are forming into angry fists as he looms over Sanzo from his two-inch advantage. "He's crazed, I get it. But you'd actually shoot him over it? You'd shoot any of us, wouldn't you, you damn prick!? Well, Hakkai's not going down that way. He's lost it coz of me? Then he'll be fine once he sees I'm okay. I'm the trigger. If the one on your gun even comes close to getting pulled, you'll find it shoved up your own ass before the smoke's even cleared, you got me?!"
Sanzo's pride urges him to snatch back control, put the kappa in his place, but he knows there is no time for that. There is no time to unleash their frustrations on each other.
Yes, Sanzo believes he would shoot any one of them if he had to, but to actually do it...he would probably long for Gojyo's promise to be fulfilled. Our friends are like gods to us. We love them unconditionally despite how angry they sometimes make us, and we would die for them if it came to that. We would rather die than have them taken away.
"This isn't going to be easy, Gojyo." Sanzo explains calmly, though still with a bit of edge to his voice, and with the hint of a glare in his eyes. "Seeing you alive might not be enough now that Hakkai's true form has been unleashed."
A sudden chirp erupts from Hakuryuu, and the dragon swoops down to land carefully on Gojyo's bare shoulder, before digging his head affectionately into the side of Gojyo's neck. "Kyu! Kyu!"
Gojyo smiles and reaches up to stroke Hakuryuu's head. "See, the little guy's on my side. He knows we gotta get Hakkai back no matter what the cost. Right?"
"Kyuu!!"
"This is my fault." Gojyo expresses, riddled with regret, looking steadily from Sanzo to Goku and back again. "It's my fault, and I'm not about to lose him on account of something that happened to me. I'm not losing him."
Solemnly, Sanzo nods, accepting Gojyo's determination.
Goku nods, as well, bogged down by fear, yes, but not in the least angry at Hakkai for what his friend's youkai self has done to him. Even if the marks scar, Goku will never blame Hakkai, because Hakkai is not the monster they are hunting.
"You better hope you're right about all this, because if we have to fight him..." Sanzo trails off, not wanting to imagine that possibility. "You and Goku are in no shape to stand against that kind of power."
At first, Gojyo dismisses Sanzo's concerns, but the truth is, he has no idea what he is about to face. "I've never seen Hakkai's youkai form before." he speaks beneath his breath.
In the past, he would ask Hakkai what his youkai form was like, but Hakkai always avoided the conversation and changed the subject, as if ashamed--afraid--to reveal that side of himself to another.
Sanzo and Goku are obviously spooked after having seen Hakkai's great secret, but as unprepared and expectant as Gojyo is, he knows he cannot afford to be delayed by apprehension.
"It doesn't matter." Gojyo reasons, set on his decision to get Hakkai back no matter what. "We're wasting time. Just tell me where he is?"
Sanzo huffs. "Probably off burning the town to the ground."
"Then I guess we're going to town. Right, Hakuryuu?" Gojyo asks the dragon on his shoulder. Hakuryuu chirps in agreement. "Right, bakazaru?" he winks at Goku. The boy sticks out his tongue, but nods. "And you, bouzu, you keep that gun tucked back, you hear me, or you better be prepared to take me down, too."
Sanzo doesn't reply, but the silence is enough for both to know they understand each other's positions.
One by one they begin to exit the cave--Hakuryuu flying ahead, followed by Sanzo, Goku, and Gojyo at the end. Hakuryuu squawks nervously at the strong smell of blood outside, but quickly turns into his jeep form, nonetheless, finding a spot not so littered with bodies to rest his wheels. Naturally, Sanzo and Goku already knew what to expect once stepping out into the night air, but Gojyo did not, and he stops in his tracks the second he is outside the cave.
The air is thick with that rancid, metallic odor, and the many mangled bodies strewn upon the grass are in states Gojyo hasn't seen even in his most horrific dreams. There isn't a distinguishable face among them, or a body that managed to retain all its parts.
All of them are forced to hold back the urges of their churning stomachs as they climb into the jeep--Sanzo sitting at the wheel with Goku sitting anxiously in the back. Gojyo, however, is drawn for a moment towards the spot that large tree had been. On the ground lies Hakkai's monocle, headband, and sash, having been tossed aside when he changed. Carefully, Gojyo gathers the items up, and then walks to the jeep, hopping in front to sit beside Sanzo.
Without a word spoken between them, Sanzo starts the jeep and barrels on ahead, finding the path wider now that the illusionary trees have faded away. They continue forward in silence, as well, but after a few minutes, Goku leans over the front of Gojyo's seat and peers into his face, asking, 'Are you okay?'
"I'm fine, kiddo. The drugs are pretty much worn off now." Gojyo replies, evading.
Goku's returned expression clearly states, 'You know that's not what I meant.'
He is becoming incredibly adept at making himself understood without the use of words.
Gojyo thinks for a moment how to reply, but in the end, he merely shrugs, and Goku reluctantly sits back down. All of the kappa's thoughts are focused on the carnage he has just seen and on the frightening vision of what he imagines is in wait for him once they find Hakkai.
(I've turned him into what he hates most...) he muses bitterly. (More regrets. More pain. And it's all my fault. Damn it, Hakkai...please don't hate me for this. I never wanted to be another Kanan for you. Dear gods, don't let him be Gonou for me...)
tbc...
A/N: Hopefully, you all feel a little better now that you know Gojyo and Hakuryuu are okay, but what about poor, off-the-deep-end Hakkai? I'm not saying a word.
The line at the beginning, "Someone kill me," is what Hakkai says when Kanan kills herself. The reason Goku has never seen Hakkai's youkai form is because this is set in the originally lost eps, not from Reload time when Goku DOES see Hakkai. As for Gojyo, I just assume he hasn't. And I made up the Sanzo thing. :-)
Rinny1, you made me giggle, and you make me so proud. Thank you for enjoying the characterizations.
phoe-chan, I died laughing at the, "yeah, I'd be mad too if the dude i was getting ready to fuck was kidnapped then killed." Hahaha. And as for the tense, past is what's hard for me. :)
Thank you Chibi Assassin and Kali Swifteye for being the only people to say anything about Hakuryuu. Don't the rest of you care? :-) It was hard to kill that little guy, even if it wasn't real.
And kudos to all who realized Gojyo wasn't dead. Of course I wouldn't kill him.
I have surpassed 200 reviews! I love you all. In celebration, if there are any requests out there, let me know, and I will seriously consider adding anything you guys request if it fits. Love ya!
Crim