G'day, mates! This is something that I've been working on in my spare time
for my own amusement. It's basically if a bunch of characters from movies
I like, and my own character Lupe, got stuck on a desert island. It's very
insane but some people say it's funny!
Disclaimer: I own squat. Don't sue.
THE CHARACTERS: (they show up at different times in the story, so theyaren't all in the first chapter)
Matrix
Neo
Morpheus
Trinity
Twin One
Twin Two
LOTR
Gandalf
Frodo
Legolas
Pirates of the Carribean
Jack Sparrow
Hellboy
Hellboy
Abe Sapien
Kroenen (knife-weilding dude in the mask)
my own twisted mind
Lupe (the idiot who drives everyone insane)
The UFO-obsecced vole (you'll see.....)
CHAPTER 1
IN WHICH WE MEET MANY CHARACTERS AND A PARANOID VOLE
Captain's Log of the Black Pearl
June 10, 2004
Wind good today. Warm and sunny.
Picked up some passengers today. Found them floating on a refrigerator in
the middle of the ocean, along with a very unhappy penguin and a few
bottles of nail fungus medication. They include a girl with sunglasses
(Trinity), two identical guys with dreadlocks (they call themselves Twin
One and Twin Two), a guy who looks like a fish (Abe), a big guy with red
skin and a stone hand (Hellboy?), a very quiet guy in a gas mask (Abe says
he's called Kroenen), and a teenaged girl who seems to be the leader
(Lupe). None of them would say how they got there, exept for Lupe, who
described it as "A fishing trip gone terribly wrong." Once on the ship,
they proceeded to raid the mini-fridge and eat all my bagels.
We're out of rum.
June 11, 2004
Kroenen and the Twins got into a knife-fight with some crew members, and
won.
Trinity and Lupe built a Playstation 2 out of some old boards and a tonail
clipper.
I was extrememy seasick.
Still no rum.
June 12
SOMEBODY ate all my Cheese Nips. I suspect Hellboy. He looks suspicious.
Abe won the poker tournament. He has my compass now.
Why can't we stop for rum?
June 13
My crew marooned me and the new guys on a deserted island. They claimed I
coudln't be on the ship unless I did laundry duty too. I'm the captain, I
shouhldn't have to do laundry duty! Shows what they know.
I'm still not sure why the new guys got marooned. Something about a
pelican and a boom box.
Do you suppose there's any rum here?
"Well," said Lupe, leaning back against a palm tree, "here we are." Nobody bothered to reply, because a very important game of tic-tac-toe
between Trinity and Jack Sparrow was in progress. As the spectators
watched, Trinity proudly drew a line through her three X's and smiled
smugly. Sparrow cursed and started another game, which immidiately came to
an end because he was hit on the head by a falling coconut and knocked
unconcious. Lupe sighed and wandered off across the sandy beach, leaving a trail of
footprints behind. A small vole crouching in the bushes would later see
the footprints and believe them signals from a giant alien vole. He would
then tell the other voles and be laughed out of town by them. This would
be especially harsh since voles don't have towns.
Lupe, of course, had no way of knowing this, primarily since she didn't
know there were any voles on the island in the first place.
Meanwhile, the tic-tac-toe games were heating up. Sparrow had regained
conciousness, only to be beaten twice in a row. It looked like Trinity's
days were numbered, judging from his expresssion.
Abe had other concerns. There were no rotten eggs on the island, or any
other food at all, for that matter. The coconuts were highly inedible and
he didn't know how to catch voles. He was devising a plan for a vole trap
when Lupe arrived back at the scene.
"What's up, Abe?" she said, sitting down in the sand (preciciely on top of
the sketch for the vole trap).
"Oh," Abe muttered, "I'm just worried about food. There's no water,
berries, or ANYTHING!"
"Abe," Lupe said, "you're forgetting something. This island is on the
planet Earth, right?"
"I would like to think so," he replied.
"And, as you should know, practically every flat surface on Earth has one
certain thing."
"Air?"
"Close, but no. A Starbucks."
Abe smacked his forehead. "Dang! But where is it?"
"That," Lupe said, "is what we are going to find out."
The motley gang was assembled beneath a spread of palm trees. Lupe and Abe
stood at the front. Lupe was waving a large pink and white conch shell.
"So the plan is," she yelled, "We split up and search the island until we
find a Starbucks. Then we come back here and give everyone else the
directions. Any questions?"
"Yes," one Twin yelled, "What if there isn't a Starbucks?"
"You're telling me that there's actually a space on this planet WITHOUT
one?" Lupe countered.
"Um, right," the Twin said, sinking back into the crowd.
"Anything else?"
"Um," Trinty spoke up, "What's with the conch shell?"
"I found it. Whoever has the conch is the leader and has the right to
speak. I read it in a book."
"Did it work?"
"Um...... no." Lupe shrugged and threw the conch over the crowd, where it
hit Jack Sparrow in the head, knocking him unconcious for the second time
that day. "Everybody ready? Then let's go!"
Abe and Hellboy ran off to the east.
The Twins stuck together and walked off to the west.
Trinity, dragging Jack by one arm, walked to the south, then realized that
there was nothing there except the ocean and elected to go north.
Lupe got stuck with Kroenen, and they went north-north-west for lack of a
better direction.
Within the span of an hour, the following people did the following things:
Abe found a vole, examined it, and then put it down. The vole ran back
into town to tell the others that he had REALLY seen an alien this time.
He was laughed out again.
Hellboy was hit in the head with monkey feces.
The Twins found a patch of quicksand and managed to get out by phasing.
They decided that the island was too dangerous and spent the rest of the
time carving graffiti into a palm tree with their switchblades.
Jack Sparrow regained conciousness four times and was knocked unoncious
again four more times: twice by falling coconuts, once by a very large
beetle that flew into his head, and once by Trinity, who got sick of him
asking for rum.
Trinity found a K-Mart but decided not to tell anyone.
Kroenen, who appeared to be plotting something, doodled furiously on a
scrap of paper without looking where he was going and walked into a tree.
Lupe, after walking in circles for a while, finally found the Starbucks.
She then realized she had no money to buy anything and rapidly counterfited
some using tree bark and squid ink.
Several minutes later, everyone was happily sitting in chairs made from non-
endangered, environmentally safe hardwood and sipping Frappachinos that had
been served to them by a team of highly inteligent monkeys who appeared to
run the place. Jack Sparrow was concious again and was yelling at the
monkeys because they didn't have any rum.
When night came, it found Trinity and Lupe swimming by moonlight on the
beach. (they had brought swimsuits) Jack Sparrow was nearby, unconcious
again for reasons that would take too long to explain but involved a pair
of binoculars and a bowl of petunias.
Back at the Starbucks, everyone else had found some sleeping bags and was
getting ready to go to sleep.
"'Night," Abe murmured.
"'Night," the Twins answered in unison.
Hellboy growled something incomprehensible and rolled over, hitting the
wall and knocking a bottle of corn syrup off the shelf.
Kroenen said nothing as usual, but put a record of opera music on the
restaurant's handy record player and sat down to listen. Abe sighed and
plugged his ears. Hellboy chose a different method.
"KROENEN! SHUT THAT DAMN OPERA MUSIC OFF!" he bellowed, leaping up and
upsetting several more bottles of corn syrup. Kroenen sighed and took the
opera record off. Then a monkey jumped up and put on a new one that played
rock music. Very loud rock music.
The Twins heard this, jumped up, and started to air-guitar along with the
music. A monkey hung up a disco globe and set up a strobe light. Abe,
head in hands, retreated to another, safer room as Jack Sparrow leaped in
through a window and demanded some rum. He then crumpled to the floor as a
Frappachino hit him in the head.
Trinity and Lupe barged in through the door and started to dance to the
music. The monkeys started break-dancing. Hellboy decided to go along with
it and danced too, since there was no way he could get any sleep. Kroenen,
who didn't want to dance, got out his blueprints again and started working
on them by strobe light. The end result of all this was a massive headache
for Kroenen, who got very mad at the monkeys and started slashing at them
with his swords until he was subdued by Hellboy and the Twins and tied up
with a rope made from drinking-straw covers.
positive of a flying saucer invasion."