CHAPTER 2
IN WHICH AN ESCAPE ATTEMPT FAILS MISERABLY
Lupe's eyes opened to the sound of hammering and clanging metal. She sat
up and found she was lying on the Starbucks counter with a handmade Amish
quilt draped over her. And she was still wearing her swimsuit.
The floor of the Starbucks was occupied by a huge sheet of paper covered in
complicated drawings, multiple socket wrenches, a dismantled clock, the
sleeping form of Jack Sparrow, and several unconcious monkeys.
Lupe groaned and slid off the counter, impaling her foot on a strange
device made from coffee cups and paper clips. As she hopped around
clutching her bleeding foot and swearing, she tripped over a monkey
carrying a cardboard box and three large salmon. The monkey dropped the
box, ran in panic, and smashed into a partially dismantled bird cage.
Right about then, Kroenen walked in and started impaling random objects for
no reason whatsoever. Lupe did the smart thing and ran quickly outside,
where she bonked into an enormous metal gyroscope that Abe was working on
with a sautering iron.
"Where did that come from?" she said. Abe shrugged and continued to
sauter, which is a very funny word.
Kroenen walked out of the Starbucks carrying several batteries and a
handful of parrot feathers; these were given to Twin Two, who began
inserting them into an engine of some sort. Trinity showed up next; she
was carrieng a the remote control from a TiVo and a fried Twinkie.
"What in the world is this?" Lupe asked Abe, who had stopped sautering and
walked over.
"According to Kroenen, it's a modified version of Project Rangna Rok. It
will open a portal that we can go through to get off this island and back
to civilization."
"Project who?"
"It doesn't matter. It'll just get us home."
Lupe nodded and sat down to watch as Hellboy tinkered with a tripod made
from paper clips and tounge depressors, occasionally consulting one of
Kroenen's blueprints. So that's what he had been planning, Lupe thought.
Kroenen wandered around the construction site, smacking anyone who wasn't
building their thing quite right. This resulted in a lot of people
throwing things at him. This resulted in Kroenen whipping out his blades
again. And THAT resulted in mass hysteria which led to people running in
all directions.
Durring all of this, the monkeys took it upon themselves to finish the
gyroscope thing and start it up.
The gyroscope made a noise like a robotic sheep being sucked into a vaccum
cleaner. Everybody stopped in their tracks and looked up as blue,
crackling light covered the entire thing and began to open into the portal.
Before anybody could jump through it, though, a lot of things happened very
quickly:
Twenty-nine bean burritos fell through the portal onto the sand.
Sixty-seven paper cranes fell through, were caught by the wind, and got
blown all the way to France.
A man who looked a little like William Shakespeare and a little like "Wierd
Al" Yancovic jumped out, looked around, and jumped back in again very
quickly.
An Easter Island stone head flew through and soared into the sky like a
rocket.
A short guy, a tall guy, and a guy in a pointy hat fell through and hit
their heads on the ground.
A ham and cheese baguette flew through at high speeds and knocked Jack
Sparrow unconcious.
And a monkey hit the button to shut the whole thing off.
All of this happened in a span of about six seconds. The island was
covered in burritos and paper cranes, and everyone's hair was sticking up.
(Except for Kroenen, who was wearing a helmet, and Abe, who didn't have any
hair in the first place.)
"Well," Lupe said, "That went better then expected."
Right about then, the Easter Island head fell back down and flattened the
gyroscope completely.
Everybody was at a loss for words and stood around staring at each other
for a while until the dude in the pointy hat stood up and said, "Who are
you?"
"Um.... I'm Lupe," Lupe said.
"Twin One."
"Twin Two."
"Trinity"
"Hellboy"
"Abe"
"Zzzzzzzzzz......"
"That's Jack Sparrow," Trinity explained. "And the silent dude in the mask
is Kroenen, and everybody else here is probably a monkey."
"Ah," the dude in the pointy hat said. "I'm Gandalf. These are Frodo and
Legolas. Where are we exactly?"
"We're on a deserted island. It has a Starbucks." Lupe said.
"Hm," Gandalf said. "What, exactly, is a 'Starbucks?'"
"You don't know?!?!?! Well, then, we'll have to show you." Lupe dragged
Gandalf off to the Starbucks, and everyone else stood around some more
until the author got bored and ended the chapter.
IN WHICH AN ESCAPE ATTEMPT FAILS MISERABLY
Lupe's eyes opened to the sound of hammering and clanging metal. She sat
up and found she was lying on the Starbucks counter with a handmade Amish
quilt draped over her. And she was still wearing her swimsuit.
The floor of the Starbucks was occupied by a huge sheet of paper covered in
complicated drawings, multiple socket wrenches, a dismantled clock, the
sleeping form of Jack Sparrow, and several unconcious monkeys.
Lupe groaned and slid off the counter, impaling her foot on a strange
device made from coffee cups and paper clips. As she hopped around
clutching her bleeding foot and swearing, she tripped over a monkey
carrying a cardboard box and three large salmon. The monkey dropped the
box, ran in panic, and smashed into a partially dismantled bird cage.
Right about then, Kroenen walked in and started impaling random objects for
no reason whatsoever. Lupe did the smart thing and ran quickly outside,
where she bonked into an enormous metal gyroscope that Abe was working on
with a sautering iron.
"Where did that come from?" she said. Abe shrugged and continued to
sauter, which is a very funny word.
Kroenen walked out of the Starbucks carrying several batteries and a
handful of parrot feathers; these were given to Twin Two, who began
inserting them into an engine of some sort. Trinity showed up next; she
was carrieng a the remote control from a TiVo and a fried Twinkie.
"What in the world is this?" Lupe asked Abe, who had stopped sautering and
walked over.
"According to Kroenen, it's a modified version of Project Rangna Rok. It
will open a portal that we can go through to get off this island and back
to civilization."
"Project who?"
"It doesn't matter. It'll just get us home."
Lupe nodded and sat down to watch as Hellboy tinkered with a tripod made
from paper clips and tounge depressors, occasionally consulting one of
Kroenen's blueprints. So that's what he had been planning, Lupe thought.
Kroenen wandered around the construction site, smacking anyone who wasn't
building their thing quite right. This resulted in a lot of people
throwing things at him. This resulted in Kroenen whipping out his blades
again. And THAT resulted in mass hysteria which led to people running in
all directions.
Durring all of this, the monkeys took it upon themselves to finish the
gyroscope thing and start it up.
The gyroscope made a noise like a robotic sheep being sucked into a vaccum
cleaner. Everybody stopped in their tracks and looked up as blue,
crackling light covered the entire thing and began to open into the portal.
Before anybody could jump through it, though, a lot of things happened very
quickly:
Twenty-nine bean burritos fell through the portal onto the sand.
Sixty-seven paper cranes fell through, were caught by the wind, and got
blown all the way to France.
A man who looked a little like William Shakespeare and a little like "Wierd
Al" Yancovic jumped out, looked around, and jumped back in again very
quickly.
An Easter Island stone head flew through and soared into the sky like a
rocket.
A short guy, a tall guy, and a guy in a pointy hat fell through and hit
their heads on the ground.
A ham and cheese baguette flew through at high speeds and knocked Jack
Sparrow unconcious.
And a monkey hit the button to shut the whole thing off.
All of this happened in a span of about six seconds. The island was
covered in burritos and paper cranes, and everyone's hair was sticking up.
(Except for Kroenen, who was wearing a helmet, and Abe, who didn't have any
hair in the first place.)
"Well," Lupe said, "That went better then expected."
Right about then, the Easter Island head fell back down and flattened the
gyroscope completely.
Everybody was at a loss for words and stood around staring at each other
for a while until the dude in the pointy hat stood up and said, "Who are
you?"
"Um.... I'm Lupe," Lupe said.
"Twin One."
"Twin Two."
"Trinity"
"Hellboy"
"Abe"
"Zzzzzzzzzz......"
"That's Jack Sparrow," Trinity explained. "And the silent dude in the mask
is Kroenen, and everybody else here is probably a monkey."
"Ah," the dude in the pointy hat said. "I'm Gandalf. These are Frodo and
Legolas. Where are we exactly?"
"We're on a deserted island. It has a Starbucks." Lupe said.
"Hm," Gandalf said. "What, exactly, is a 'Starbucks?'"
"You don't know?!?!?! Well, then, we'll have to show you." Lupe dragged
Gandalf off to the Starbucks, and everyone else stood around some more
until the author got bored and ended the chapter.