CHAPTER 3
IN WHICH MORE HORRIBLY CLICHED ESCAPE ATTEMPTS ARE MADE

After four days of drinking Frappachinos, holding late-night disco parties,
and lying around doing practically nothing, the castaways decided to get
rescued. After sixty-four minutes of brainstorming, the only thing anyone
could come up with was a message in a bottle, so they went with that.
The biggest challenge was writing the message (on tree bark with squid
ink), as you can see:

The first message was completely illegible because Lupe wrote it while high
on caffine and her hand was all jittery.

The second message was also illegible because Abe wrote it underwater and
that made the ink run.

The third message was highly legible, but nobody could read it because
Kroenen wrote it in German.

The fourth message was legible AND in English. Unfortunately, before
Legolas could finish writing it, it was eaten by a monkey.

The fifth message was written by Trinity while Gandalf and the Twins fended
off the monkeys with drinking straws. It read:

HELP! We are trapped on a deserted island and everybody is high on
caffine. Please rescue us. Bring nachos.



Everyone agreed this was a good message, so they decided to send it out.
Then they realized that there weren't any bottles around, so they had to
settle for an empty Frappachino cup. Hellboy threw the cup far out to sea,
where it hit a highly suprised sperm whale on the head before floating out
into the distance.

Everybody stood around staring at it for a while before they realized they
had better things to do and wandered off across the island to occypie
themselves with other stuff.

Frodo and Jack Sparrow salvaged the remains of the giant gyroscope and
began to build a brewery to make rum and wine, to the annoyance of
everybody else.

The Twins build guitars out of driftwood and played them all the time,
which, combined with the brewerey, drove everybody else absolutely insane.

Several days later, Trinity realized that they had forgotten to say where
the island was in their message, primarily because nobody knew. She and
Abe dismantled the brewery and built a GPS out of its components. The GPS,
after whirring and clinking for a while, assured them that they were on the
planet Venus, and showed them a picture of Mars just to prove its point.
Trinity threw a Frappachino at it.

Several minutes later, Lupe and Kroenen dismantled the GPS and built a
record player to replace the old one, which Hellboy had smashed. The
record player did nothing but look silly and occasionall make a noise like
a cow with diharea, so they took it apart and built a pool table instead.

The rest of the time was spent arguing over how to get rescued. The Twins
had the bright idea of lighting the island on fire so any planes passing
overhead would notice it. They almost did it, too, before Gandalf threw
them off a cliff. Frodo decided the cliff was dangerous, so he marked it
with a sign that said, "CLIFF." Jack Sparrow liked that idea and went
around putting signs on everything until Trinity hit him over the head with
one of them. ("GRAIN OF SAND #773,947")

Meanwhile, the Frappachino cup floated on to Easter Island, where it was
promptly flattened by a falling stone head.

Nothing else of interest happened for the next few days, except Lupe got
really, really, really high on coffee and ran around in circles until she
hit a tree, and the voles invented the wheel.