CHAPTER 4

IN WHICH SOME REALLY EXTREME SPORTS ARE PLAYED

At 4:00 in the morning on a day that Trinity claimed was Tuesday and
everybody else said was Friday, everybody was abruptly woken up by Frodo
screaming, "ORCS!!!!!" By the time everybody came their senses, Trinity had almost shot Legolas's
head off, Legolas had almost shot Gandalf with an arrow, the Twins had
nearly cut each other's throats by accident, and Kroenen had impaled a
suspiciously orc-shaped chair many, many times with his swords. It was
then revealed that Jack Sparrow had painted Frodo's sword blue as a
practical joke. He had to run very fast to aviod being killed. When all of this was over, there was no chance of anybody getting back to
sleep, so they decided to stay awake and start weaving a volleyball net out
of seaweed. This wasn't as pointless as it might seem, because Hellboy had
found a volleyball floating in the sea a few days earlier. By the time the
sun came up, the net was errected in the sand, and the game was about to
begin. Trinity served and hit Jack Sparrow in the head with the volleyball, but
she didn't get a point because it bounced back over the net. Legolas
spiked it over, but Frodo managed to hit it back. Trinty caught it and hit
it to to Kroenen, who hit it to Gandalf, who hit it to Lupe, who hit it to
Twin Two, who hit it back to Trinity, who hit it over the net to Jack
Sparrow, who missed because he was unconcious. Trinity cheered and did a
victory dance that involved lots of war whoops and throwing things in the
air. Lupe wandered over and picked up the volleyball, but she was bowled
over by a large hairy man who came running out of the forest. "WILSON!!!!!" the man screamed. He grabbed the volleyball and ran back
into the forest very quickly before anyone could stop him. Everybody stared at him in shock for a while. "Well," said Lupe, because
there wasn't anything else better to say. Trinity said nothing, but rubbed at her eye because there was sand in it. Everyone else wandered around aimlessly until they walked into things, at
which point they sat down and rubbed their heads for a while. Several hours later, Gandalf took down the volleyball net and tried to use
it to catch fish. It was eaten by a shark.

Sometime in the next few days, Lupe decided that life on the island was
much too boring. After the demise of the volleyball net, they hadn't done
any sports for a while, leading to intense laziness. Lupe wanted to cure
this, so she organized a race around the island. It was an extremely long
race with no fixed course at all. It also had an extremely long and
strange set of rules that Lupe, Kroenen, and Legolas collaberated on. This
mean that rules 1-304 were in English and rules 305-698 were in German,
with the exceptions of rules 3, 16, 4 1/2, 29, 478, and 674.2, which were
in Elvish or occasionally French. The race began with an extremely long and pointless opening ceremony that
featured the Twins on their guitars and Gandalf playing a kazoo. The only
other interesting thing about it was Hellboy wore a top hat made from
several coconuts. Then a gun (Trinity's) was fired, and the race began.
Frodo took off straight ahead and ran into a tree. He was officially out
of the race, according to Rule #7 (No running into trees and/or shrubs.
Bushes are fine, though). Trinity opted for a zigzag course that led her on a roundabout path through
the forest. She got very lost and eventually wound up back at the starting
line again. She was officially out of the race, according to rule #206
(You can only visit the starting line once in a race, unless you have to
use the bathroom or are driving a Volkswagen, in which case it's okay). Kroenen went through the forest too, cutting down anything in the way with
his knives. He got lost, but he discovered a Chinese restaurant, sat down,
and ordered some General Tso's Chicken. This was against rule #117 (No
ordering Chinese food without sharing it). So he was out of the race too. Legolas stuck to the beach and ran all the way around the island very
quickly, so he got to the finish line first. He would have won, but the
judges (Gandalf and the Twins) said he had broken Rule #593 (Es ist
ungültig, Pfannkuchen zu essen während im Rennen, egal was). This was one
of the German rules, so nobody knew what it said, but they all agreed that
Legolas must have broken SOME rule and that one was as good as any. Several minutes later, Kroenen returned carrying a giant bag of Chinese
food. The race was immidiately abandoned as all the people mobbed him and
then chowed down on sweet and sour chicken. (note: If you want the complete list of race rules, leave $10 in a paper
bag under the oak tree in the park. Then tell the man in the green trench
coat, "The oyster wears an excelent wristwatch." He'll know what to do.)