Once again: Author's Note: This is my first attempt in English. I'm not a
native speaker so please be patient, if some grammar or some words are
wrong, or if there would be better ways to express something. I just wanted
to share my ideas with a larger audience. So please read it and review. I
would really like to know what you think about it.
*********************
I was into bein' out on my own
I could take love or leave it alone
That's how you get when you're hurt to the bone
One too many times
*********************
3.05 a.m. and I still can't make out any chance to fall asleep. I've been lying awake for almost one hour now and stare at the ceiling, which is originally white but now appears in a blue tone. It's dark in the room, the only light, that falls in, comes from the street. Every once in a while a car passes the houses and lightens up the room before it gets darker again.
Thank you for spending some time with me... I can't ban his words from my head. They keep flowing and flowing through my thoughts. I see him smiling and grinning, I see him in front of me taking a sip of his coffee before he once again lets his eyes wander around and looks through the window. His eyes are red, he is pale and his hair is longer than usual. I can see him trying to make a joke, trying to hide his actual feelings. I can see him right in front of me, but too far away to reach out for him, too far away not in a physical way, but in a mental way. I wanted to take his hand, console him, show him, that he was not alone. But I couldn't and I know that he wouldn't have let me do that anyway.
Some days ago I would have never imagined that we could be in such a situation again. And although I am still hurt by all he had done to me, I know that he... that no one deservesd to live through something like that. He is deeply hurt, he is destroyed in his inner self, he is lost, he feels alone, he needs help, but he is too stubborn to let someone help him. And I'm sure he is still in love.
Kem and Carter, how much had it once hurt to see them together? But I had gotten over that. I soon realized that I was past, and I had made a check sign right next to the common past with him. I had started a new life, taken a new direction and found a new way. Still he meant at least something to me... even if I have to admit, that I don't know yet what this something really is.
I hoped I could count you a as a friend... Every day I think about what he once stated when we stood in the ambulance bay. And I remember the exact feelings that rose in me, when he said that. I remember on the one hand that I longed for nothing more than being his friend again, but on the other hand I suddenly felt uncomfortable, dissatisfied with that. And up to now I haven't really found out why.
Suddenly I'm torn out of my thoughts by Conan's snoring. He is lying right next to me and enjoying a deep and comfortable sleep in my bed. He has put his arm on my stomach.
Conan... who is he? What is he to me? Someone to sweeten up your free time... Had Carter really found the right description? I remember how he rolled his eyes and tried to pretend that he didn't really care about it. And maybe he didn't. In his situation I'm pretty sure there are more important things to him. But I wonder why I cared so much to find the right definition for this relationship.
I'd settle for some irregular sex... I weigh my own words against Carter's definition and realize that Conan is probably nothing more that a comfortable opportunity I had taken.
I met him in a dark and smoky bar near the hospital where Lester and Morris had once taken me. The only time I had ever let them convince me to go out with them. And then this one evening I had decided that if those two young guys had nothing else in their mind than getting drunk after work, I should at least get some profit out of babysitting them. And right the moment I had thought about that, Conan stood behind me and ordered a beer.
I sigh and take a deep breath. Then I cautiously try to take away his hand from my stomach to get some freedom. He doesn't even seem to wake up so I decide to get up and drink a glass of water, maybe smoke a cigarette.
When was the last time I smoked a cigarette? Right... that was after lunch. Then the ER was completely crowded. I had to do doctor's and nurses' work at the same time because hospital politicians had cut down another two nurses. And at the end of my shift I sat together with Carter. And no single second the thought of taking out a cigarette had come up. I was too busy making jokes, trying to reassure and help him. My addiction couldn't catch me. It was blown away.
Now there is this unbearable silence in my apartment interrupted from time to time by my liaison's snoring. Or what ever he is... I have to fill it, I have to get up and do something about this overwhelming thoughts and this unstoppable pondering.
I slowly creep out of the bedroom right into the kitchen, where I find my bag and dig for my cigarettes. I slowly take them out and as usual strong doubts overcome me, but I can't stand the emptiness around me, so I light a cigarette and deeply inhale the smoke.
****************************
I had this heart of mine locked away
I kept my guard up night an' day
I had enough of the games they play Out there on the line...
It was the crime of the century
****************************
I sit down on the sofa and look out of the window. The living room appears in a mixture of blue and orange light that has his origin on the street and is colored by the curtains. These old curtains with the small butterflies on them. I don't know no why I still hang them up, why I still use them. They only remind me of lonely nights, of nights when I cried, of hours when I wanted to destroy everything that stood in my way, of nights when I was hurt and filled with anger, of nights when I couldn't bear being alone. And most of all they remind me of nights when I longed for him, when I was afraid of what could happen to him in the jungle and of nights when I found myself guilty of everything.
Suddenly I shake my head and try to put away these thoughts. It's over. It's the past. I've built up a completely new life. Abby Lockhart, stop this! I warn myself.
Dr. Abby Lockhart... in the next moment I realize that I finally got what I always wanted. I got this M.D. I finished my studies successfully and can now work as a doctor. I'm an intern. I definitely have my skills and I'm able to prove them each they. People show more respect, they have faith in me, they trust me. And more than anything else I finally reached I point where I can trust myself, where I have faith in myself.
***************************
You played Robin Hood an' rescued me
Ali Baba an' the Forty Thieves
Ain't got nothin' on you
You came on like Jesse James
You stole my heart like you were robbin' trains
I'm gonna lock you up for life with me
It was the crime of the century
****************************
For a long time it always took someone else to put self-esteem, self- confidence into little Abby. And even after the most convincing and reassuring arguments I still had doubts about myself, I still thought that I was damned to lose, damned to care for other people, damned to never really be loved.
But somehow things change, somehow I now know, that I am responsible for my life. I know that I can change the direction where destiny wants to lead me. I can have an influence and I am worth to be loved by someone. I only need to take the chances life offers.
I have to admit that it took a lot to bring me to this conclusion. A lot of time and a lot of discussions with various people. And I know, that there is one person who really finally was totally responsible for my change. It was him. Once again it was him, who led me to this revolutionary change of myself. John Carter.
How often had he tried to show me that he was there for me? How often had he told me that I could trust in him? Well, one day he left me and dumped me with a letter. Very "nice" way to drop someone, but in I way I should be thankful for that. Because it was his letter, his flight from me, from County, from Chicago, that brought me to the conclusion that I shouldn't just wait for something bad to come. I should take my life into my hands and change it.
I want you to stop being so afraid, I want us to stop being so careful... How often had I repeated those words in my mind. And even if this was one of the last real conversations we had... to be honest, I don't think we ever really had conversations... we understood each other just by looking into each others eyes, but we were cowards and never really literally opened up to each other. He did, he tried, I didn't.
Well, whatever. Fact is, that I changed. He wanted to save me, to rescue me. And even if he never knew, but he was the only person in my life, I ever really trusted. He was the only one I ever really had faith in. And when he left me... which I have to admit, wasn't only his fault.... I realized that I needed to change something. I desperately needed to reach another step, another more faithful level. Some level that would make my life better.
********************************
You stacked the deck, you didn't gamble at all
You knew exactly how the cards would fall
You bet your heart, but as I recall
I didn't even stand a chance
I bet you had an ace up your sleeve
An' here I thought that you were so naive
You took my hand an' made me believe
In love an' real romance...
********************************
Suddenly I hear some noise, I hear the bed cracking and then I hear someone walking through the apartment. I freeze, I stare at the door and then I reach for the book that is lying on the small table right next to the sofa. Then I stand up, turn around and take a few steps. Who is this? Who is in my apartment?
And exactly in the moment I want to hit the person, that is sneaking through my apartment, this person turns on the light and looks into my eyes. It's Conan.
"Hey, Ab... what are you doing? Do you want to knock me out?" Conan comes closer, smiles and puts his arm around me. "Oh Baby, that would have been so much easier when I was been asleep."
I stare at him in disbelief. What did I think would happen? I knew that he was in my bedroom, that he was here.
I free myself from his hands and turn away. Then I walk to the window and look out of the window. "Sorry, I don't know what... what got into me?"
"You thought I was a stranger... someone who wanted to attack or rob you?" He lets out a loud laughter and then I feel him coming closer again. He is a stranger, isn't he? I don't know anything about him. I know that he loves his motorcycle, that his name is Conan... I barely remember his last name... and I know that we met a few times to have fun. Yes, I could call him a stranger... and that without any bad conscience. It's easily said. A stranger.
Once again I push him away and shake my head. "Look, I don't know, I'm probably just too tired." Then I walk to the refrigerator and open eat. I take out the huge box of chocolate ice cream and take a spoon out of the drawer.
"Chocolate ice cream at 4 a.m.?" Conan grins. He won't let me go. He comes closer, blinks his eyes and opens his mouth. "I love ice cream."
And there's one quality he has: He makes me laugh. Although I often ask myself what I'm doing here with him, why I'm doing this, I am glad to have someone to lean against, to laugh with. And then I just let myself fall against his broad shoulders and I forget about everything else. It's not his face that it is on my mind then. It's a very familiar face I see in front of me. And although I haven't found out... or better: although I haven't admitted yet, who this face belongs to, it makes me feel better.
I laugh and then let him try some ice cream. "mmmmmmm...." He grins and then moistens his lips with his tongue. He comes closer, puts his arms around me, leans against me and then slowly makes his way to my neck. He kisses my neck, then my ears, my cheeks and finally reaches my mouth.
I doubtfully look at him but can't help to grin. "What is this going to be?" I ask him and look into his eyes.
"Well, baby, now that I had two hours of poor, deep and refreshing sleep in your cosy bed with such a good looking woman lying next to me... now I'm ready for another round." Then he pulls me closer to him .
I roll my eyes and look away. "You are crazy..." I say. "I know..." He answers. "That's why it is so much fun with me and why we work so well together." You have no idea, I suddenly think and can't help but wonder about these thought. This relationship is so different from usual relationships, neither in a good nor in a bad way. It's just different. It's not even a real relationship.
"I don't know", I reject his offer and free myself from his hugging. I put the ice cream back into the fridge and make my way back to the bed room.
Suddenly I hear him running up to me. I let a shrill and loud scream come out of my mouth, when he suddenly grabs me and carries me to the bed. Suddenly he lets me fall and I stare at him. Then I have to start laughing and the moment I want to protest I feel his lips pressed against mine. He opens the buttons of my pyjama and tenderly kisses my neck, then my shoulders.
I let him do his round and look at the ceiling as he conquers my body. I here his moaning and I feel his kisses. And as good as it feels to have someone so close, to be with someone, something is missing.
When we have finished it doesn't take long for him to fall asleep and sooner than later his former moaning, his whispers when he calls me "Ab" or "baby"... he is not very creative with such things... these words turn into simple and bare snoring.
I still look at the ceiling and don't seem to fall asleep. Every few seconds I impatiently take a look at my alarm clock. Only two more hours and then I have to get up anyway. Another shift, another day.
************************************
It was the crime of the century
You played Robin Hood an' rescued me
Ali Baba an' the Forty Thieves
Ain't got nothin' on you
You came on like Jesse James
You stole my heart like you were robbin' trains
I'm gonna lock you up for life with me
It was the crime of the century
An' if I live to be a hundred an' one
Honey, don'cha think that it would be fun
To do it all over again...
It was the crime of the century
You played Robin Hood an' rescued me
Ali Baba an' the Forty Thieves
Ain't got nothin' on you
You came on like Jesse James
You stole my heart like you were robbin' trains
I'm gonna lock you up for life with me
It was the crime of the century
I'm gonna lock you up and throw away the key
It was the crime of the century
It was love in the third degree
It was the crime of the century
*********************
I was into bein' out on my own
I could take love or leave it alone
That's how you get when you're hurt to the bone
One too many times
*********************
3.05 a.m. and I still can't make out any chance to fall asleep. I've been lying awake for almost one hour now and stare at the ceiling, which is originally white but now appears in a blue tone. It's dark in the room, the only light, that falls in, comes from the street. Every once in a while a car passes the houses and lightens up the room before it gets darker again.
Thank you for spending some time with me... I can't ban his words from my head. They keep flowing and flowing through my thoughts. I see him smiling and grinning, I see him in front of me taking a sip of his coffee before he once again lets his eyes wander around and looks through the window. His eyes are red, he is pale and his hair is longer than usual. I can see him trying to make a joke, trying to hide his actual feelings. I can see him right in front of me, but too far away to reach out for him, too far away not in a physical way, but in a mental way. I wanted to take his hand, console him, show him, that he was not alone. But I couldn't and I know that he wouldn't have let me do that anyway.
Some days ago I would have never imagined that we could be in such a situation again. And although I am still hurt by all he had done to me, I know that he... that no one deservesd to live through something like that. He is deeply hurt, he is destroyed in his inner self, he is lost, he feels alone, he needs help, but he is too stubborn to let someone help him. And I'm sure he is still in love.
Kem and Carter, how much had it once hurt to see them together? But I had gotten over that. I soon realized that I was past, and I had made a check sign right next to the common past with him. I had started a new life, taken a new direction and found a new way. Still he meant at least something to me... even if I have to admit, that I don't know yet what this something really is.
I hoped I could count you a as a friend... Every day I think about what he once stated when we stood in the ambulance bay. And I remember the exact feelings that rose in me, when he said that. I remember on the one hand that I longed for nothing more than being his friend again, but on the other hand I suddenly felt uncomfortable, dissatisfied with that. And up to now I haven't really found out why.
Suddenly I'm torn out of my thoughts by Conan's snoring. He is lying right next to me and enjoying a deep and comfortable sleep in my bed. He has put his arm on my stomach.
Conan... who is he? What is he to me? Someone to sweeten up your free time... Had Carter really found the right description? I remember how he rolled his eyes and tried to pretend that he didn't really care about it. And maybe he didn't. In his situation I'm pretty sure there are more important things to him. But I wonder why I cared so much to find the right definition for this relationship.
I'd settle for some irregular sex... I weigh my own words against Carter's definition and realize that Conan is probably nothing more that a comfortable opportunity I had taken.
I met him in a dark and smoky bar near the hospital where Lester and Morris had once taken me. The only time I had ever let them convince me to go out with them. And then this one evening I had decided that if those two young guys had nothing else in their mind than getting drunk after work, I should at least get some profit out of babysitting them. And right the moment I had thought about that, Conan stood behind me and ordered a beer.
I sigh and take a deep breath. Then I cautiously try to take away his hand from my stomach to get some freedom. He doesn't even seem to wake up so I decide to get up and drink a glass of water, maybe smoke a cigarette.
When was the last time I smoked a cigarette? Right... that was after lunch. Then the ER was completely crowded. I had to do doctor's and nurses' work at the same time because hospital politicians had cut down another two nurses. And at the end of my shift I sat together with Carter. And no single second the thought of taking out a cigarette had come up. I was too busy making jokes, trying to reassure and help him. My addiction couldn't catch me. It was blown away.
Now there is this unbearable silence in my apartment interrupted from time to time by my liaison's snoring. Or what ever he is... I have to fill it, I have to get up and do something about this overwhelming thoughts and this unstoppable pondering.
I slowly creep out of the bedroom right into the kitchen, where I find my bag and dig for my cigarettes. I slowly take them out and as usual strong doubts overcome me, but I can't stand the emptiness around me, so I light a cigarette and deeply inhale the smoke.
****************************
I had this heart of mine locked away
I kept my guard up night an' day
I had enough of the games they play Out there on the line...
It was the crime of the century
****************************
I sit down on the sofa and look out of the window. The living room appears in a mixture of blue and orange light that has his origin on the street and is colored by the curtains. These old curtains with the small butterflies on them. I don't know no why I still hang them up, why I still use them. They only remind me of lonely nights, of nights when I cried, of hours when I wanted to destroy everything that stood in my way, of nights when I was hurt and filled with anger, of nights when I couldn't bear being alone. And most of all they remind me of nights when I longed for him, when I was afraid of what could happen to him in the jungle and of nights when I found myself guilty of everything.
Suddenly I shake my head and try to put away these thoughts. It's over. It's the past. I've built up a completely new life. Abby Lockhart, stop this! I warn myself.
Dr. Abby Lockhart... in the next moment I realize that I finally got what I always wanted. I got this M.D. I finished my studies successfully and can now work as a doctor. I'm an intern. I definitely have my skills and I'm able to prove them each they. People show more respect, they have faith in me, they trust me. And more than anything else I finally reached I point where I can trust myself, where I have faith in myself.
***************************
You played Robin Hood an' rescued me
Ali Baba an' the Forty Thieves
Ain't got nothin' on you
You came on like Jesse James
You stole my heart like you were robbin' trains
I'm gonna lock you up for life with me
It was the crime of the century
****************************
For a long time it always took someone else to put self-esteem, self- confidence into little Abby. And even after the most convincing and reassuring arguments I still had doubts about myself, I still thought that I was damned to lose, damned to care for other people, damned to never really be loved.
But somehow things change, somehow I now know, that I am responsible for my life. I know that I can change the direction where destiny wants to lead me. I can have an influence and I am worth to be loved by someone. I only need to take the chances life offers.
I have to admit that it took a lot to bring me to this conclusion. A lot of time and a lot of discussions with various people. And I know, that there is one person who really finally was totally responsible for my change. It was him. Once again it was him, who led me to this revolutionary change of myself. John Carter.
How often had he tried to show me that he was there for me? How often had he told me that I could trust in him? Well, one day he left me and dumped me with a letter. Very "nice" way to drop someone, but in I way I should be thankful for that. Because it was his letter, his flight from me, from County, from Chicago, that brought me to the conclusion that I shouldn't just wait for something bad to come. I should take my life into my hands and change it.
I want you to stop being so afraid, I want us to stop being so careful... How often had I repeated those words in my mind. And even if this was one of the last real conversations we had... to be honest, I don't think we ever really had conversations... we understood each other just by looking into each others eyes, but we were cowards and never really literally opened up to each other. He did, he tried, I didn't.
Well, whatever. Fact is, that I changed. He wanted to save me, to rescue me. And even if he never knew, but he was the only person in my life, I ever really trusted. He was the only one I ever really had faith in. And when he left me... which I have to admit, wasn't only his fault.... I realized that I needed to change something. I desperately needed to reach another step, another more faithful level. Some level that would make my life better.
********************************
You stacked the deck, you didn't gamble at all
You knew exactly how the cards would fall
You bet your heart, but as I recall
I didn't even stand a chance
I bet you had an ace up your sleeve
An' here I thought that you were so naive
You took my hand an' made me believe
In love an' real romance...
********************************
Suddenly I hear some noise, I hear the bed cracking and then I hear someone walking through the apartment. I freeze, I stare at the door and then I reach for the book that is lying on the small table right next to the sofa. Then I stand up, turn around and take a few steps. Who is this? Who is in my apartment?
And exactly in the moment I want to hit the person, that is sneaking through my apartment, this person turns on the light and looks into my eyes. It's Conan.
"Hey, Ab... what are you doing? Do you want to knock me out?" Conan comes closer, smiles and puts his arm around me. "Oh Baby, that would have been so much easier when I was been asleep."
I stare at him in disbelief. What did I think would happen? I knew that he was in my bedroom, that he was here.
I free myself from his hands and turn away. Then I walk to the window and look out of the window. "Sorry, I don't know what... what got into me?"
"You thought I was a stranger... someone who wanted to attack or rob you?" He lets out a loud laughter and then I feel him coming closer again. He is a stranger, isn't he? I don't know anything about him. I know that he loves his motorcycle, that his name is Conan... I barely remember his last name... and I know that we met a few times to have fun. Yes, I could call him a stranger... and that without any bad conscience. It's easily said. A stranger.
Once again I push him away and shake my head. "Look, I don't know, I'm probably just too tired." Then I walk to the refrigerator and open eat. I take out the huge box of chocolate ice cream and take a spoon out of the drawer.
"Chocolate ice cream at 4 a.m.?" Conan grins. He won't let me go. He comes closer, blinks his eyes and opens his mouth. "I love ice cream."
And there's one quality he has: He makes me laugh. Although I often ask myself what I'm doing here with him, why I'm doing this, I am glad to have someone to lean against, to laugh with. And then I just let myself fall against his broad shoulders and I forget about everything else. It's not his face that it is on my mind then. It's a very familiar face I see in front of me. And although I haven't found out... or better: although I haven't admitted yet, who this face belongs to, it makes me feel better.
I laugh and then let him try some ice cream. "mmmmmmm...." He grins and then moistens his lips with his tongue. He comes closer, puts his arms around me, leans against me and then slowly makes his way to my neck. He kisses my neck, then my ears, my cheeks and finally reaches my mouth.
I doubtfully look at him but can't help to grin. "What is this going to be?" I ask him and look into his eyes.
"Well, baby, now that I had two hours of poor, deep and refreshing sleep in your cosy bed with such a good looking woman lying next to me... now I'm ready for another round." Then he pulls me closer to him .
I roll my eyes and look away. "You are crazy..." I say. "I know..." He answers. "That's why it is so much fun with me and why we work so well together." You have no idea, I suddenly think and can't help but wonder about these thought. This relationship is so different from usual relationships, neither in a good nor in a bad way. It's just different. It's not even a real relationship.
"I don't know", I reject his offer and free myself from his hugging. I put the ice cream back into the fridge and make my way back to the bed room.
Suddenly I hear him running up to me. I let a shrill and loud scream come out of my mouth, when he suddenly grabs me and carries me to the bed. Suddenly he lets me fall and I stare at him. Then I have to start laughing and the moment I want to protest I feel his lips pressed against mine. He opens the buttons of my pyjama and tenderly kisses my neck, then my shoulders.
I let him do his round and look at the ceiling as he conquers my body. I here his moaning and I feel his kisses. And as good as it feels to have someone so close, to be with someone, something is missing.
When we have finished it doesn't take long for him to fall asleep and sooner than later his former moaning, his whispers when he calls me "Ab" or "baby"... he is not very creative with such things... these words turn into simple and bare snoring.
I still look at the ceiling and don't seem to fall asleep. Every few seconds I impatiently take a look at my alarm clock. Only two more hours and then I have to get up anyway. Another shift, another day.
************************************
It was the crime of the century
You played Robin Hood an' rescued me
Ali Baba an' the Forty Thieves
Ain't got nothin' on you
You came on like Jesse James
You stole my heart like you were robbin' trains
I'm gonna lock you up for life with me
It was the crime of the century
An' if I live to be a hundred an' one
Honey, don'cha think that it would be fun
To do it all over again...
It was the crime of the century
You played Robin Hood an' rescued me
Ali Baba an' the Forty Thieves
Ain't got nothin' on you
You came on like Jesse James
You stole my heart like you were robbin' trains
I'm gonna lock you up for life with me
It was the crime of the century
I'm gonna lock you up and throw away the key
It was the crime of the century
It was love in the third degree
It was the crime of the century