Author's note: The next chapter is up. I hope you like it. Enjoy reading
and please review. So far thank you very much to all of you who have
already reviewed. You motivated me to keep on writing this.
When the day is done Down to the earth then sinks the sun Along with everything that was lost and won When the day is done
**************************
"Oh man, those lil' girls outside are freaking me out? Can't they shut their mouths and keep silent for just one little minute? No, they keep shouting and chatting and gossiping. Hey, they're sick man, they should stop doing that and concentrate on getting better. I don't understand those folks... I mean women, they can keep their mouth open the whole day, 24/7." Pratt is running up and down the lounge and talking to him self, or to me. Or he probably just thinks that another man would understand him. But what do I know about women?
In 34 years of my life I never came to a conclusion. They still are a huge locked secret to me and I don't seem to find a solution within the near future. Women don't bring me luck. Or I don't bring them luck. The last few days I rather believed the second was true.
I watch Pratt walking up and down the room, as I try to concentrate on some old patient charts that I left behind. Kerry had warned me to fulfil my responsibilities, to keep up with my job as an attending. And because rumor has it, that work makes you forget your problems, this morning I decided to come in earlier and finish some old work that should have been done weeks ago when I was too occupied caring for Kem and our long awaited... well, so much for that matter.
Suddenly the door opens and Sam rushes in. She walks to her locker, takes out her coat and then runs out through the other door again. Her expression was an angry one and I start wondering what this was about. But then Pratt continues his monologue and has now reached the point, where he not only talks about women, he is talking about all the people out there that annoy him. Frank who is back, Kerry who wants him to be more serious, Chen who doesn't pay enough attention to him, med students who don't work as fast as he would like them to, patients who surprisingly come here to ask for help and so on... his list could be endless.
"You know what?" I finally shout out and as I realize how much I raised my voice I lower it again. "I need to work here. And you're not only disturbing me... worse, you're causing me head ache." As I still shout at him aggressively, I don't realize that Luka just walked in and observed my whole inappropriate and exaggerated behaviour.
"hey, keep cool, man", Pratt raises his hands and then turns around to leave the room. Through the small window I can see him shaking his head.
"Everything ok", Luka finally breaks the uncomfortable silence. He walks to the fridge and takes out some bottled water.
I nod and lay down my pen. To be honest, I'm pretty sure that it wasn't Pratt who caused my head ache... it's probably still the vine. Taking a deep breath I lean back and with my right hand I rub my face, while my left hand wanders back into my neck, so that I have something to lean against.
Luka turns around and smiles. "Are you still hung over? I could offer you some aspirin."
I take a look at my watch and shake my head. "No." Then I look at him and shyly grin. "Was it that bad?"
Luka shakes his head and returns my grin. "No... not THAT bad..." Then he walks up to me, leans on the table and now his face and his voice become more serious: "But if you need someone to talk to, you know where you can find me."
"Yes... thank you", I reply. But it's not that I really feel like talking to someone. I don't have anything to talk about right now. Things are clear. And I only long for some routine to forget about the last few weeks. There's no reason why I should stir those feelings again. They should stay where they are. Buried in the depth of my mind.
Then Luka straightens up again. "By the way: Have you seen Sam anywhere?"
I point at the door: "She rushed out of the room a few seconds before you entered." Luka thankfully nods. Then he leaves me alone.
**************************
When the day is up Hope so much your race will all be run Then you find you jump the gun Have to go back where you began When the day is done
**************************
A few minutes later I still struggle to regain some of my concentration skills. But whatever I do, it just doesn't work, so I close the file and put away my pen. For a few seconds I lean back and close my eyes.
But as usual, I can't stand the pictures that show up in front of my eyes. They are a huge weird mixture of what's going through my head right now. I see patients in the waiting room at County, then I see patients lying on the ground in an old waiting area at an hospital in the Congo, I see the old mansion with the large rooms and all the memories I have, I see the new house that hasn't become a home to me so far and probably never will, I see Kem when I first meet her and later when we already know each other, I see Debbie getting jealous, I see Angelique grinning and raising rumors, and I see....
Suddenly the door opens with a bang and I open my eyes. "Hey Carter. Get on your feet, we need you outside. MVA coming in." ... and I see Abby standing right in front of me, out of breath.
For one second I stare at her, before I realize why she came in. I jump up and follow her to the ER that I have hardly ever seen so crowded. The waiting area is full of patients. The triage nurse is rotating because of the long queue behind the window.
"Why didn't you call me earlier?" I ask Abby, but she doesn't look at me. She hands me one of those yellow plastic coats and some glasses. Then she takes a deep breath.
"Your shift just started five minutes ago and I thought that you might be glad about some extra time..." she replies and then leaves the admin area to walk out to the ambulance bay.
I follow her and watch her as she takes her steps as if she had never done anything else, so natural, so... good. One wouldn't know that she is an intern. She definitely knows what to do and how to do it. She seems self- conscious. She seems changed. And once again I realize that this is not the Abby I had stored in my mind, this is not how I remember her.
As we arrive Abby turns her back to me and looks at me over her shoulder. "Would you...?" I help her close her coat and then turn around. "Thank you", she answers and then ties the ends of my coat.
I thankfully nod and then turn towards the approach of the ambulance bay. As we stand next to each other I risk a glance at her and then turn away again. I sigh. "Thank you again for calling the taxi and for letting me talk to someone", I finally say. "That was really generous and nice of you... but..." I don't know how to express what I want to see. I feel insecure and I am not sure if she will understand what I mean.
"But?" She asks and now directly looks at me. I feel her eyes fixating me, but can't look into her eyes right now.
"But... you don't need to care so much for me. It's okay. I can manage that alone. I can do without help." And now I suddenly fear that the last sentence might have sounded rude. "Sorry... look, what I want to say is just, that I don't want you to care too much about me."
Abby turns away and takes a deep breath. "But I did."
"Yes... and I really appreciate that... but..." I don't know how to put it correctly. I feel relieved as I see the ambulance approaching. Abby takes a few steps to get closer to the car.
Before the car stops and the door is pushed open, Abby says a few words I barely understand because of the noise, but after a tenth of a second I realize that she only repeated what I once said to her: "I hoped, I could count you as a friend." Then the door opens and while I'm still staring at her, we are told, how bad the patient's condition is and what exactly happened to him. So back to work, back to that routine.
**********************
When the night is cold Some get by but some get old Just to show that life's not made of gold When the night is cold
**********************
"Damn it", I hear Kerry swearing as I walk to admin, to dispo my last patient of the day. I look at Jerry who shrugs his shoulders and rolls his eyes. "Beware of the dog", he warns me and grins.
I smile, but within the next second the smile fades and I hide behind the screen of the computer. "Jerry, just keep your mouth shut and do your work", Kerry shouts at him and then turns back to the board.
Suddenly the phone rings and Jerry questioningly looks at Kerry who impatiently turns around. "Jerry, your job is to answer phone calls."
"So I'm allowed to speak again?" he asks and gives her his most innocent look.
As Jerry takes the phone call, I approach Kerry to ask her, what is wrong. "Hey, Kerry. Can I help you." Kerry looks at me and lets her glasses slip down her nose.
"Any plans for tomorrow, Carter?" I shake my head.
"So then I finally have an attending. It's a 24 hours shift, starting tomorrow at seven and ending, guess what, 24 hours later." She writes my name on her paper as I take a look on my watch.
"A double shift for an attending?" I try to think about the last time I heard about an attending doing a double shift more or less deliberately, without any disasters or huge accidents involving many people, without situations where you just couldn't leave the hospital.
"Why not?" Kerry glances at me and then turns away. "Carter, I gave you so much time off whenever you wanted it, so it's now on you to do me a favor, don't you think so?"
I slowly nod and try to figure out, what I needed this time for. Sure, when I asked her to get another load of free days, I was so convinced, that flying back to Africa would guarantee luck and happiness, that spending my time with a woman I love would be worth it, only to realize some weeks later, that this wasn't enough. What was I supposed to do to prove my love? Why didn't she understand how much I needed her? I would have done anything.
Now that I stand there once again pondering over these heavy thoughts, Kerry walks away. I turn around and walk to the lounge to get my bag and my jacket to go home... where ever home is.
As much as I was astonished about the way Kerry treated me a few minutes ago... now I am relieved to have something to do, to have plans. There is nothing left here for me but my work. This is where I can forget about everything; this is where it feels at least sometimes like home. And this where I can come and talk to people, this is the place that has changed the least.
The door opens and I take my steps out of the hospital. Outside I stop and grasp for some fresh air. Now that the sun has disappeared, the heat also lessens and a slight and cooling wind blows into my face.
Suddenly I hear the doors open behind me and turn my head, to see, who is coming out. "Hey John", Abby whispers with a tender but in the same moment exhausted voice. "Hi..." And now my bad conscience about what I said to her raises again. I still doubt, that she really understood, what I wanted to say.
"Everything alright?" Abby asks and comes closer. She hides her hands in the pockets of her jacket. Her hair is open and moved by the wind. She looks tired.
I nod and then look away. "Good", Abby answers and then starts walking away. "Good night, Carter" she says as she turns her head again and waves to me.
"Good night", I answer, drowned in my thoughts and not able to move or to say anything.
But then suddenly I raise my hand and shout out her name. "Abby, wait."
She turns around and smiles at me. She gives me an interested and questioning look.
But I can't talk. My mouth is closed and I can't figure out what to say to her, until she makes a forwarding move with her hand and asks me, what I wanted to say.
I stumble and scratch my neck, but still keep standing on the same spot. "Look, I didn't want to be... rude or", I search for the right words "... or ungrateful today. I really am thankful for what you did for me last night. And I wanted you to know that. I wanted you to understand, to make clear what I really wanted to say. Just a simple thank you."
Abby smiles and then nods. "Okay, Carter." Then she waits for some seconds and I feel her looking at me, as I am staring at the ground. I slowly raise my head. Why am I too much of a coward to look at her? Then our eyes meet and now I feel the corners of my mouth turning into a smile. For some seconds our eyes are locked.
"Good night", she finally repeats and turns around. I watch her walking away and wait until she disappears behind the next corner. Then I am finally able to move my feet and walk to my car. I kick away a stone that's lying in front of me and can't help but wonder about my behaviour.
***************************
When the bird has flown You got no one to call your own You got no place to call your home When the bird has flown
When the game's been fought You speed the ball across the court Lost so much sooner than you would have thought Now the games been fought
When the party is through It seems so very sad for you Didn't do the things you meant to do Now there's no time to start anew Now the party's through
The day is done Down to earth then sinks the sun Along with everything that was lost and won When the day is done
When the day is done Down to the earth then sinks the sun Along with everything that was lost and won When the day is done
**************************
"Oh man, those lil' girls outside are freaking me out? Can't they shut their mouths and keep silent for just one little minute? No, they keep shouting and chatting and gossiping. Hey, they're sick man, they should stop doing that and concentrate on getting better. I don't understand those folks... I mean women, they can keep their mouth open the whole day, 24/7." Pratt is running up and down the lounge and talking to him self, or to me. Or he probably just thinks that another man would understand him. But what do I know about women?
In 34 years of my life I never came to a conclusion. They still are a huge locked secret to me and I don't seem to find a solution within the near future. Women don't bring me luck. Or I don't bring them luck. The last few days I rather believed the second was true.
I watch Pratt walking up and down the room, as I try to concentrate on some old patient charts that I left behind. Kerry had warned me to fulfil my responsibilities, to keep up with my job as an attending. And because rumor has it, that work makes you forget your problems, this morning I decided to come in earlier and finish some old work that should have been done weeks ago when I was too occupied caring for Kem and our long awaited... well, so much for that matter.
Suddenly the door opens and Sam rushes in. She walks to her locker, takes out her coat and then runs out through the other door again. Her expression was an angry one and I start wondering what this was about. But then Pratt continues his monologue and has now reached the point, where he not only talks about women, he is talking about all the people out there that annoy him. Frank who is back, Kerry who wants him to be more serious, Chen who doesn't pay enough attention to him, med students who don't work as fast as he would like them to, patients who surprisingly come here to ask for help and so on... his list could be endless.
"You know what?" I finally shout out and as I realize how much I raised my voice I lower it again. "I need to work here. And you're not only disturbing me... worse, you're causing me head ache." As I still shout at him aggressively, I don't realize that Luka just walked in and observed my whole inappropriate and exaggerated behaviour.
"hey, keep cool, man", Pratt raises his hands and then turns around to leave the room. Through the small window I can see him shaking his head.
"Everything ok", Luka finally breaks the uncomfortable silence. He walks to the fridge and takes out some bottled water.
I nod and lay down my pen. To be honest, I'm pretty sure that it wasn't Pratt who caused my head ache... it's probably still the vine. Taking a deep breath I lean back and with my right hand I rub my face, while my left hand wanders back into my neck, so that I have something to lean against.
Luka turns around and smiles. "Are you still hung over? I could offer you some aspirin."
I take a look at my watch and shake my head. "No." Then I look at him and shyly grin. "Was it that bad?"
Luka shakes his head and returns my grin. "No... not THAT bad..." Then he walks up to me, leans on the table and now his face and his voice become more serious: "But if you need someone to talk to, you know where you can find me."
"Yes... thank you", I reply. But it's not that I really feel like talking to someone. I don't have anything to talk about right now. Things are clear. And I only long for some routine to forget about the last few weeks. There's no reason why I should stir those feelings again. They should stay where they are. Buried in the depth of my mind.
Then Luka straightens up again. "By the way: Have you seen Sam anywhere?"
I point at the door: "She rushed out of the room a few seconds before you entered." Luka thankfully nods. Then he leaves me alone.
**************************
When the day is up Hope so much your race will all be run Then you find you jump the gun Have to go back where you began When the day is done
**************************
A few minutes later I still struggle to regain some of my concentration skills. But whatever I do, it just doesn't work, so I close the file and put away my pen. For a few seconds I lean back and close my eyes.
But as usual, I can't stand the pictures that show up in front of my eyes. They are a huge weird mixture of what's going through my head right now. I see patients in the waiting room at County, then I see patients lying on the ground in an old waiting area at an hospital in the Congo, I see the old mansion with the large rooms and all the memories I have, I see the new house that hasn't become a home to me so far and probably never will, I see Kem when I first meet her and later when we already know each other, I see Debbie getting jealous, I see Angelique grinning and raising rumors, and I see....
Suddenly the door opens with a bang and I open my eyes. "Hey Carter. Get on your feet, we need you outside. MVA coming in." ... and I see Abby standing right in front of me, out of breath.
For one second I stare at her, before I realize why she came in. I jump up and follow her to the ER that I have hardly ever seen so crowded. The waiting area is full of patients. The triage nurse is rotating because of the long queue behind the window.
"Why didn't you call me earlier?" I ask Abby, but she doesn't look at me. She hands me one of those yellow plastic coats and some glasses. Then she takes a deep breath.
"Your shift just started five minutes ago and I thought that you might be glad about some extra time..." she replies and then leaves the admin area to walk out to the ambulance bay.
I follow her and watch her as she takes her steps as if she had never done anything else, so natural, so... good. One wouldn't know that she is an intern. She definitely knows what to do and how to do it. She seems self- conscious. She seems changed. And once again I realize that this is not the Abby I had stored in my mind, this is not how I remember her.
As we arrive Abby turns her back to me and looks at me over her shoulder. "Would you...?" I help her close her coat and then turn around. "Thank you", she answers and then ties the ends of my coat.
I thankfully nod and then turn towards the approach of the ambulance bay. As we stand next to each other I risk a glance at her and then turn away again. I sigh. "Thank you again for calling the taxi and for letting me talk to someone", I finally say. "That was really generous and nice of you... but..." I don't know how to express what I want to see. I feel insecure and I am not sure if she will understand what I mean.
"But?" She asks and now directly looks at me. I feel her eyes fixating me, but can't look into her eyes right now.
"But... you don't need to care so much for me. It's okay. I can manage that alone. I can do without help." And now I suddenly fear that the last sentence might have sounded rude. "Sorry... look, what I want to say is just, that I don't want you to care too much about me."
Abby turns away and takes a deep breath. "But I did."
"Yes... and I really appreciate that... but..." I don't know how to put it correctly. I feel relieved as I see the ambulance approaching. Abby takes a few steps to get closer to the car.
Before the car stops and the door is pushed open, Abby says a few words I barely understand because of the noise, but after a tenth of a second I realize that she only repeated what I once said to her: "I hoped, I could count you as a friend." Then the door opens and while I'm still staring at her, we are told, how bad the patient's condition is and what exactly happened to him. So back to work, back to that routine.
**********************
When the night is cold Some get by but some get old Just to show that life's not made of gold When the night is cold
**********************
"Damn it", I hear Kerry swearing as I walk to admin, to dispo my last patient of the day. I look at Jerry who shrugs his shoulders and rolls his eyes. "Beware of the dog", he warns me and grins.
I smile, but within the next second the smile fades and I hide behind the screen of the computer. "Jerry, just keep your mouth shut and do your work", Kerry shouts at him and then turns back to the board.
Suddenly the phone rings and Jerry questioningly looks at Kerry who impatiently turns around. "Jerry, your job is to answer phone calls."
"So I'm allowed to speak again?" he asks and gives her his most innocent look.
As Jerry takes the phone call, I approach Kerry to ask her, what is wrong. "Hey, Kerry. Can I help you." Kerry looks at me and lets her glasses slip down her nose.
"Any plans for tomorrow, Carter?" I shake my head.
"So then I finally have an attending. It's a 24 hours shift, starting tomorrow at seven and ending, guess what, 24 hours later." She writes my name on her paper as I take a look on my watch.
"A double shift for an attending?" I try to think about the last time I heard about an attending doing a double shift more or less deliberately, without any disasters or huge accidents involving many people, without situations where you just couldn't leave the hospital.
"Why not?" Kerry glances at me and then turns away. "Carter, I gave you so much time off whenever you wanted it, so it's now on you to do me a favor, don't you think so?"
I slowly nod and try to figure out, what I needed this time for. Sure, when I asked her to get another load of free days, I was so convinced, that flying back to Africa would guarantee luck and happiness, that spending my time with a woman I love would be worth it, only to realize some weeks later, that this wasn't enough. What was I supposed to do to prove my love? Why didn't she understand how much I needed her? I would have done anything.
Now that I stand there once again pondering over these heavy thoughts, Kerry walks away. I turn around and walk to the lounge to get my bag and my jacket to go home... where ever home is.
As much as I was astonished about the way Kerry treated me a few minutes ago... now I am relieved to have something to do, to have plans. There is nothing left here for me but my work. This is where I can forget about everything; this is where it feels at least sometimes like home. And this where I can come and talk to people, this is the place that has changed the least.
The door opens and I take my steps out of the hospital. Outside I stop and grasp for some fresh air. Now that the sun has disappeared, the heat also lessens and a slight and cooling wind blows into my face.
Suddenly I hear the doors open behind me and turn my head, to see, who is coming out. "Hey John", Abby whispers with a tender but in the same moment exhausted voice. "Hi..." And now my bad conscience about what I said to her raises again. I still doubt, that she really understood, what I wanted to say.
"Everything alright?" Abby asks and comes closer. She hides her hands in the pockets of her jacket. Her hair is open and moved by the wind. She looks tired.
I nod and then look away. "Good", Abby answers and then starts walking away. "Good night, Carter" she says as she turns her head again and waves to me.
"Good night", I answer, drowned in my thoughts and not able to move or to say anything.
But then suddenly I raise my hand and shout out her name. "Abby, wait."
She turns around and smiles at me. She gives me an interested and questioning look.
But I can't talk. My mouth is closed and I can't figure out what to say to her, until she makes a forwarding move with her hand and asks me, what I wanted to say.
I stumble and scratch my neck, but still keep standing on the same spot. "Look, I didn't want to be... rude or", I search for the right words "... or ungrateful today. I really am thankful for what you did for me last night. And I wanted you to know that. I wanted you to understand, to make clear what I really wanted to say. Just a simple thank you."
Abby smiles and then nods. "Okay, Carter." Then she waits for some seconds and I feel her looking at me, as I am staring at the ground. I slowly raise my head. Why am I too much of a coward to look at her? Then our eyes meet and now I feel the corners of my mouth turning into a smile. For some seconds our eyes are locked.
"Good night", she finally repeats and turns around. I watch her walking away and wait until she disappears behind the next corner. Then I am finally able to move my feet and walk to my car. I kick away a stone that's lying in front of me and can't help but wonder about my behaviour.
***************************
When the bird has flown You got no one to call your own You got no place to call your home When the bird has flown
When the game's been fought You speed the ball across the court Lost so much sooner than you would have thought Now the games been fought
When the party is through It seems so very sad for you Didn't do the things you meant to do Now there's no time to start anew Now the party's through
The day is done Down to earth then sinks the sun Along with everything that was lost and won When the day is done