*****
Ryan dropped his bag on the chair as he made his way to his bed. God, he was tired. All day at school, Seth had babbled on about Summer and how awesome she was. He loved Seth like a brother, but the kid seriously needed some new material.
He hadn't felt well for the last few days and the rain today was making him feel worse. He hated the rain. He always had. If it was raining, it meant he had to go home. He had to 'seek shelter', Teresa used to say. But before Newport, he'd never had any real shelter. The rain forced him inside with his mother and whoever else happened to be living with her.
He shook off his dark thoughts and closed his eyes. He wondered if he was getting sick. He had been tired and a headache had been haunting him for days.
"Ryan?" Seth called as he stepped into the poolhouse. Jesus, at least back in Chino, Ryan could block his door. The locks hadn't worked but he would push Trey's abandoned weights in front of the door to keep his mother out. Here, he had no privacy.
"Yeah?"
"Aren't you hungry, man? I haven't seen you eat all day," Seth said. The kid looked worried as he moved Ryan's bag and sat down.
"I feel kind of 'bleh'," Ryan admitted.
"You sick?" Seth asked.
"I hope not. I'm just really tired," He replied.
"You want me to get mom?" Seth asked.
Ryan closed his eyes again. Yeah, Kirsten would hover over him if she thought he was sick, she was the type of mother that would give him medicine and make him stay in bed until he felt well again. Not like Dawn. He had never told Dawn when he was sick. He could take care of himself. He had to. She had never been in a place to take care of kids. If it hadn't been for Trey, he probably would have starved to death when he was a kid. Trey wasn't always that nice of a guy, but at least he wouldn't let his little brother starve.
"Ry?" Seth called.
He hated when people called him that. That's what his mom used to call him when she wanted something.
"Ryan? Are you okay?" Seth called again.
"Yeah. I'm cool," Ryan said finally.
"I'm going to get mom," Seth said.
"Dude, I'm just tired. That's it. I promise," Ryan sighed. "I'm going to lie here a while."
"Oh. Okay. Well, Summer's coming over anyway and I wanted to talk to you about…" Seth began. Ryan couldn't stop himself from tuning Seth out. He sighed silently as Seth talked. He was amazed sometimes at how much Seth had to say. Ryan didn't have a lot to say. He saw a lot, but he never had anything to say. He was so used to being ignored that he didn't bother contributing anything to most conversations.
Talking never really changed anything.
Trey used to talk to him about stuff, he said that it helped him put stuff into perspective if he talked about it, but for Ryan, he'd just think to himself and work stuff out on his own. Nobody had ever really been able to help with things that he'd actually talked about.
Ryan opened his eyes when he felt a hand on his forehead. Seth was standing over him.
"You've got a fever," Seth said.
"I'm fine, dude. Stop touching me," Ryan said. Seth seemed worried so Ryan sat up.
"You're hot…" Seth protested. He had already removed his hand and stepped back. Ryan wondered if Seth was worried about him punching him or something and he regretted the touching comment.
"I know I'm sexy, Seth, you don't have to tell me," Ryan said seriously. Seth relaxed and broke into a smile.
"Well, I'll let you get some rest. But I'm still telling mom when she gets home," Seth added as he left the poolhouse.
Great. Hovering Kirsten. What a way to improve his mood.
He liked her, he really did. She was great. He could tell that she was wary of him though. Occasionally, she would pull him into a hug but Ryan never knew how to react. He knew that she didn't want him here. Maybe after all these months, he had started to grow on her, but he'd never forget the fact that she didn't want him. He was used to it, but at least with his mom, she loved him. He thought Dawn loved him, anyway. In her own way. Granted, she never told him unless she was wasted, but at least she said it. He never did. Not unless Dawn made him say it.
He didn't want to think today. He had been trying all day not to think. He was seventeen today. At exactly six a.m. that morning seventeen years ago, his mother had given birth to him.
And she didn't remember again. She'd always forgotten when they were together, but somehow, Ryan had hoped that she would remember today. Didn't they say that absence made the heart grow fonder or something?
He wouldn't get disappointed. It was just Dawn. He wasn't disappointed.