*** *** ***

I don't know how the
Hell you do it,
koishii, Sano muttered,
staring down
at the dishes in
consternation.
Sure, he knew how to
wash dishes. He'd done
it every two days for
himself
and Yahiko when they'd
lived alone. But that
was usually limited to
forks
and knives, as they ate
nothing that required
anything more than paper

plates.
He wasn't the greatest
cook in the world. Thus,
take-out had been the
usual
meal of choice.
But tonight, Jou-chan and Misao had insisted on cooking, thus it had ended
up some odd concoction, of which he still had little idea what the contents
were. And he was hesitant to get anywhere near the residue.
So he continued to stare at it, hoping a solution would magically appear.
Somewhere in his considerations, the phone rang.
Grateful for the distraction, Sano dived for the phone. True to how his
evening had been running, it fell off the counter, and he ended up on his
rear somewhere next to the wall. He grunted in annoyance and picked up the
blatting phone.
was his coherent answer.
There was a pause, then the caller spoke up. It was a female voice,
slightly bemused, in the lower register.
Is this the Himura residence?
Yeah. Whossis? Sano tried irritably to pick himself up. That failing, he
settled back onto the floor to rub at his backside, annoyed at the
probability of some sort of bruise. Normally, that never would have bothered
him, but things were always different when someone else was seeing you
naked.
It's Meg Thompson, calling for Himura Kaoru...
Sano considered that for a moment, then recognition came to him in a flash
of inspiration. Oi, you're that nurse lady!
Let me guess. You were the overprotective idiot. There was a certain
dryness to the woman's tone that Sano wasn't quite sure he appreciated.
Hey, watch it, lady, he warned, a bit miffed and not in the mood to just
swallow it, considering his developing bruise and the possible crimp in his
sudden sex life thereof. I don't have to give the girl the phone, y'know.
And I'm sure she'd see the importance in your asserting your excuse for a
manhood over her getting her phone call.
Sano considered that.
There was a silence on the other end.
Look, I'll overlook it this time, he said warningly, stumbling at last to
his feet. But only because it was your first offense. Another and I won't
be so lenient.
She didn't sound impressed in the least.
Sano called, leaning out the kitchen door. 'Jou-chan! Phone!
An irritated humming came to him from the other end. Sano sighed and waited
impatiently. Girls were so slow...
Kaoru came careening around the corner, the already-beat-up rug scrunching
up beneath her feet. Who is it? she panted out, launching forward to grab
the phone from his hand before he could answer.
he protested, a little overwhelmed with her bounding enthusiasm.
It's Meg the nurse lady-
Kaoru froze , the phone midway between his hand and her ear, staring at him
with large blue eyes. He blinked down at her, not comprehending either the
surprise in her eyes or the sudden flush that rose to her cheeks.
she repeated dumbly.
Sano cocked his head, then poked at her cheek with one fingertip.
What's with the blush, naa,
Kaoru blinked, then scowled and spun away. Oh, leave me alone! she
snapped over one shoulder, disappearing into the living room.
Sano stared after her, stupefied, then shook his head with a heavy sigh.
he told the wall, will I understand girls. Never. Just ain't
possible.

Kaoru cast one final glare at the dark-haired teenager who still blinked
after her from the kitchen, then flumped onto the couch, lifting the phone
to one ear with a sigh. she managed with only minimal stuttering.
It's K-Kaoru.
Oh, good. Someone with more than the least required amount of brain
cells. The young woman sounded a bit annoyed. Does that rooster-head
actually live with you?
Well, yes... Kaoru sighed, feeling a little more at ease. For some
reason, when she'd heard it was Meg... calling her... The mere memory of the
other girl sent chills over her skin, for reasons she didn't care to
question. She didn't provoke any sort of fear... well, that wasn't quite
true. She was... a little afraid of Meg... He had nowhere else to go,
really. His little brother lives here too.
There's more of them? She sounded almost horrified, and Kaoru giggled.
No, no... Yahiko's a smart little boy. Not like his brother.
I HEARD THAT!!! came a threatening bellow from the kitchen.
Hold on a sec, Kaoru alerted Meg, then covered the mouthpiece. STOP
LISTENING IN, YOU JERK!!! she yelled back.
There was a guilty silence.
I'm back, she informed the other girl, removing her hand and putting it
aimlessly on the couch, not sure what to do with it. That had to be done.
Meg laughed, an actual laugh, not the taunting, earsplitting sound of
before. I couldn't blame you, Kaoru-chan... I don't see how you could live
with such a boorish little boy. She paused, and when she resumed speaking,
her mirthful tone had become much more serious. I was calling to ask you if
it would be all right for me to come by and drop off Ken-san's medication.
My shift is almost over, and I'd rather be sure it got to you, so there's no
chance of what happened before happening again.
Kaoru sobered almost instantly, then nodded before she realized Meg
couldn't see her. she said hastily. That'd be fine, I guess. Do you
know the address?
Yes, in fact I do. It's on your insurance information along with your
phone number. There was a certain smugness to her voice.
Kaoru nodded again, then winced and smacked herself on the forehead in
retribution for her stupidity. All right, she replied, calm regained.
That's the address of Shinimori-san's dojo. We live in the apartment above
it, so just come in the front and go up the staircase. Our front door is at
the top.
That sounds fine. It'll take me, oh... say, fifteen minutes to get there.
So, I'll see you then, Kaoru-chan...
There was a certain lilt to Meg's voice that didn't escape Kaoru's notice,
and she sat dumbly for a few moments after the click had sounded and the
dial tone buzzed insistently in her ear, trying to understand...
It took the automated please hang up and try again message to knock her
out of her stupor, and Kaoru hit the power button as reflex. She stared at
the portable phone in her hand, then kicked one leg with her opposite foot
in irritation and returned to the kitchen, phone in tow.
Sanosuke popped out the swinging door, eyes large. She scowled up at him.
Don't you have anything better to do than eavesdrop on my phone
conversations? she snapped irritably. Jerk. That was private.
His dark eyes were nearly as round as tou-san's were on a
regular basis. What'd she want, anyway,
Kaoru opened her mouth to tell him it was none of his business, then
realized it was partly his business and scowled in deepening annoyance.
Aah... She's gonna come by and drop off tou-san's medication for him.
Ah. Sou ka. Sanosuke puttered over to the sink, and stared at it with the
beginnings of utter desolation pulling at his features. Kaoru blinked at his
pathetic figure, then sighed.
Do you want me to do the dishes, Sanosuke?
he said brightly, straightening up with a broad grin.
Kaoru glared at him, placing her hands on her hips. You should do them
yourself. It'd give you something better to do than bothering me.
I gotta bother you. Can't bother your tou-san, he's not home. And that's
my major pastime. Sanosuke looked pleased with himself.
Those words brought a flash of memory, and Kaoru was motionless for a
moment, remembering her conversation with Misao and Yahiko at the park.
Sanosuke... and tou-san... They never had brought up the subject that
night, and somehow, she was both glad and disappointed. It was the kind of
thing that gnawed at her... was tou-san in love with Sanosuke? If so... did
Sanosuke know it? Were they already together and hiding it? Why would
tou-san hide that from her? What... what was going to happen to them all?
About that... she said slowly, Sanosuke... about you and tou-san... are
you-
Sanosuke interrupted, His chocolate eyes went wild, and
the older boy stumbled backward, a hand searching along the countertop as if
for something to hold onto. His features were darkened with some urgency,
some terror, a sight that twisted her stomach. What could be scaring him so
badly...? Did he suspect her question before she'd even asked it?
Sanosuke, you and-
Her words were interrupted a second time, but this time by the creak of
hinges as the front door was pushed open. Kaoru froze in mid-word. It
couldn't be Meg, it'd only been a few minutes...
Her confusion was abruptly answered by a cheery, so-familiar voice.
Tadaima de gozaru yo! After a brief pause, during which Kaoru found
herself inexplicably frozen to her spot, there was a scuffle and a thump of
something onto the floor. Ya, Kaoru-dono, Sano! tou-san continued, voice
as obscenely cheerful as she had ever heard it.
She found the strength to turn about and smile for her beloved father, not
knowing why her heart fluttered within her breast as though she had nearly
been caught doing something wrong. Okaeri, she returned. Did
you eat?
Hai de gozaru. I- oro?
Kaoru blinked, clueless as to the sight her father's amethyst eyes had so
readily fixed to, as well as the sudden concern on his delicate features.
Then she turned back to where she had previously been gazing, and saw
Sanosuke poking again at the dishes, his jaw set so firmly it had to have
been a conscious decision.
There was a long silence, the strange tension in the little kitchen rising
so high Kaoru could barely stand it. She turned back and forth between the
two men, enough to make herself nearly dizzy, until finally she lost her
patience and stomped one foot.
she snapped out.
Sanosuke said quietly, voice rumbling through the silence. Betsu
ni. Just- lemme talk to your tou-san real quick, kay,
Kaoru blinked, then sighed in irritation. she acquiesced, then
exited the kitchen with a huff.
She'd find this out later. For now, if Meg was going to be here in a few
minutes... for some reason, she felt an irresistible urge to brush her hair.
And maybe put on some makeup. Nothing extravagant.

Kenshin pulled the kitchen door shut behind him, cocking his head
to the side worriedly and moving forward to lay a hand on his young aisuru's
arm. Daijoubu de gozaru ka? You look as though something's bothering
you...
Sano was silent for a few moments, then looked down into his eyes. His face
was drawn with worry, lips pulled tight. What are we telling the kids about
this? he asked softly, voice shaking only a little bit. 'Jou-chan was just
about to ask me before you walked in the door, I think, and I don't wanna
lie to er... but...
But what? Kenshin let his voice drop, reassuring him as best he could.
What do you think de gozaru ka? This is a decision we should make
together.
Sano regarded him silently for a few moments, surprise evident on his
features. Kenshin blinked at him innocently.
When did you get so comfortable with this, naa? he prodded, the
beginnings of a smile softening his worry-engraved face. Who did you talk
to today, and when can I meet him?
Kenshin smiled a little shyly, remembering all too well how he would have
reacted a few days ago to the mere idea of telling the children of their...
relationship? Relationship, he supposed... This matter doesn't concern
anyone but us de gozaru, he returned softly, paraphrasing his shishou's
advice with a soft flutter of his beating heart beneath his breastbone. He
had been trying so hard, to push this idea away... But now, to accept it and
decide... that this was what he wanted... it was a little awing.
I've been trying t' say that all along, Sano reminded with a little
scowl.
Kenshin acknowledged a bit shamefully, hanging his head. It wasn't
that I didn't trust your word, Sano... It was only-
I'm biased, I know, I know. Sano's face softened at last into that sweet
boyish grin of his, and Kenshin relaxed with a little sigh. But still...
Koishii, I'm all for telling them. I think they'll understand, and it'll be
better in the long run for us to not hold it back any longer than we already
have, naa?
Kenshin agreed softly, then pushed forward a little to lean his
forehead against Sano's arm. The teenager stroked the back of his head with
his free hand. Kenshin purred, then looked up at this boy he was willing to
give everything for with all his adoration singing forth from his eyes.
A moment passed, then Sano blushed. Aw, man...
Kenshin laughed softly, amazed himself at the calm he felt, not worrying in
the slightest bit, just... comfortable... with Sano... he said softly,
gently, we tell them de gozaru.
Sano nodded decisively. Aa. Oh- Kenshin, jou-chan talked to Meg Thompson
on the phone a little before you got home. She's comin' by t' drop off your
medication.
At those simple words, all the calm that had relaxed him vanished, the
warmth of Sano's nearness torn away by the numbing cold that prickled at the
base of his skull, spreading down his spine...
he whispered, casting his gaze away, aching deep inside.
He... he couldn't... Sano, it costs too much, he whispered, feeling his
voice grow plaintive, begging. I can't afford-
No, you can't, the dark-haired boy interrupted, catching one hand and
bringing it swiftly to his lips. Kenshin blinked at him, not understanding.
Then the hard glint in his beloved's eyes softened to gentle, protective
affection, and Sano squeezed his hand.
But we can, he amended with a little grin. We, Kenshin. You can't do
anything without me butting in anymore. I'm gonna be by your side in
everything you do, standing by to make sure you get everything you want. I'm
not gonna go away. Not ever.
Kenshin stared up into his dark eyes, heart beating faster, blood stirring
in his veins, something warm and soft growing in his chest and choking off
all breath. Sano squeezed his hand again, then brushed a little kiss over
the tip of each finger, lips gentle and smiling. Daijoubu sa, he
whispered, then let his hand go. I'm beside ya all th' way, koishii.
I know de gozaru na, Kenshin said shyly. Hai. I know.

It was only a few minutes later that a knock sounded at the front door.
Kaoru tore down the hallway, the rug bunching up beneath her socked feet,
desperate to get there before anyone else did. Sanosuke was embarrassing
enough, and tou-san seemed to have more than a few problems dealing with
Meg.... overall, it was just best if she got the door.
She came to a skidding halt just before the oak door, forcibly stopping
herself with a hand on the wall, then caught her breath and swung open the
door, pasting a smile on her face.
The familiar figure of the young med student was leaning on the wall, arms
crossed over her substantial chest, a small plastic bag hanging from one
long-fingered hand. Kaoru blinked at her, stupefied. she squeaked
out, unable to believe that she could look so- so- Hadn't she come straight
from work? How could she look so unruffled and composed, not a hair out of
place...?
Meg stood up from the wall and entered past her, one delicate hand artfully
sweeping long dark hair from one flawless cheek and tucking it seemingly
carelessly behind an ear. Did you just move in? she inquired with detached
concern, taking a glance about the entry hallway. This place looks so
run-down...
Kaoru bristled, pulling the door shut behind her . We've been
living here for almost eight years now, she snarled, feeling her blood
pressure rise. And tou-san does a wonderful job of taking care of-
Oh, no, I would never accuse Ken-san of being an neglectful parent! Meg
turned back to face her, onyx eyes wide in deceptive innocence. I'm sure he
does the very best he can. It just must be so hard for him, all alone trying
to raise two little girls... And I'm sure it was only the unavoidable power
of his masculinity that brought those little girls up to be sweaty,
rambunctious tomboys... Taking up all his income with their insatiable
appetites and growth spurts so the poor man had nothing left to keep up the
home...
Kaoru sputtered, feeling her skin heat to a furious crimson, her fingers
clenching into trembling fists. Meg considered her, eyes narrowing, lips
quirking into a smug little smile.
So what if I sweat?! Kaoru burst out, voice strident and echoing off the
walls of the tiny hallway. You do too, ya know! And- and- argh! WHAT
masculinity? Have you SEEN the man?! What d'you know, anyway?! AAGH!
Oh, my... Meg said placidly. What a violent little girl...
Kaoru was considering a demonstration of just how violent she could be when
the door to the kitchen swung open and a familiar head popped out.
Oi, it's the fox lady! Sanosuke observed. Heya, fox lady! Don't hurt the

Kaoru glared warningly at the older boy, fist clenching harder. Sanosuke
winked, then stepped out into the hallway, still grinning that goofy grin
that made her wonder if he had any brain cells at all, hands in his jeans
pockets. he observed, glancing back and forth between them,
anybody want something to drink? Kenshin sent me to ask... by th' way, I'll
take that- He snatched the plastic bag from Meg's hand without warning and
shoved it in his pocket. You two go ahead and sit in the living room...
I'll bring somethin' later on. He nudged Kaoru, winked down at her again,
then disappeared back into the kitchen, humming something under his breath.
Kaoru stared after him, utterly baffled. What was that all about? she
asked aloud, hoping vainly for some sort of enlightenment. She knew Sanosuke
was weird and all, but there was usually some sort of motivation for his
strangeness. This seemed without a basis at all...
I couldn't tell you, Kaoru-chan. Shall we go sit? Meg asked calmly, then
pushed past her down the hallway.
Kaoru watched her go, then shrugged resignedly and followed. Who was she to
question why...?

Where're the cups, koishii? Sano shut another cabinet and peered at it in
consternation. This man had entirely too much kitchen stuff. There were
devices in there that had purposes he couldn't begin to fathom, things with
many pointy appendages and graters and such... Maybe there was a reason the
bookshelf was evenly split between psychology reference and cookbooks.
To the left, Sano.
Sano glared at the cabinets and moved to the next one.
Iya- Sano, your other left.
Sano snarled under his breath and moved back the other way, not willing to
meet Kenshin's eyes.
The redhead laughed lightly, placing another plate on the counter beside
him. Sano... Why are you getting refreshments for Kaoru-dono and Meg-dono
instead of making one of them do it de gozaru ka? That's very unlike you.
Sano shrugged innocently. Felt like bein' nice.
The tone of Kenshin's voice made it obvious he wasn't fooled at
all.
Sano sighed, giving up. Fine, fine... M followin' through on a suspicion,
that's all. He shrugged and took two cups, then let the cabinet swing
closed and made his way to the refrigerator, opening it with his knee. I
could just as easily be wrong, but I don't think I am, this time... after
all, I wasn't wrong about you, naa?
There was a pause.
Sano... what on earth are you talking about de gozaru ka?
Sano turned around and blinked at him. Kenshin craned his neck and peered
back at him over one shoulder, beautiful face quite puzzled.
After a few moments passed, the two silently staring at each other, Sano
shook his head and chuckled. I'll tell you later, he said gently, then
grabbed two random sodas for the girls and pushed out of the kitchen.

Kaoru said awkwardly, twisting her fingers together in her lap,
anou... how's your internship going?
Meg blinked at her from where she was reclined on the couch. Oh, as well
as any work goes, she replied lazily. It has its ups and its downs... Why
do you ask?
Kaoru shrugged, focusing on her fingers, not readily willing to meet the
older girl's gaze. I dunno... just making conversation, I guess... And I
know it has to be hard, working in a hospital like that, stressful and
all... she said shyly.
Meg shifted, her gaze becoming a bit more direct. Just as it must
be hard to live with someone dear to you being so ill... Her voice was
soft, considering, lacking any of the condescension or sarcastic bite Kaoru
had become used to.
Kaoru lifted her eyes to Meg's, found those onyx orbs to be strangely
gentle, and sighed. I- I guess... she said quietly. 'Tou-san isn't hard
to live with, but... I just...
It hurts you to know he's in pain.
Kaoru blinked in surprise. How would you- she stuttered out. How would
you know-
It's written all over the both of you. I saw you in the hospital,
remember? Meg cocked her head with a little smile. He doesn't want you to
see him hurting, but you see it all too well. Right? And he doesn't want to
appear weak to you, so you'll always feel safe with him.
Kaoru stared at her silently for a few moments more, then scooted her chair
forward a little, stretching to look better into her eyes. There was
something there... something that she recognized, a look she'd seen in
Sanosuke's eyes when he'd spoken of tou-san, back at the hospital... What
was this...?
Meg, did something- she started plaintively.
Oi, refreshments! a familiar voice sang out cheerfully. Sanosuke appeared
out of the hallway, then thrust glasses into their hands, giving no one a
chance to decline the offer. Kaoru scowled, then sucked in air to scald his
ears with admonitions-
Oh, you... wait here a minute, would you? We have to consult on
something, Meg said quickly, grabbing hold of Sanosuke's pant leg. The boy
tripped and fell heavily on the arm of the couch, blinking owlishly.
I have a name, y'know, he complained petulantly.
Yes, yes, I know. Meg waved a hand dismissively. Now... Kaoru-chan,
another reason I came by was that I wanted to discuss something with you and
him... and your sister, if she's home.
Misao's out at drama practice, Kaoru informed with a heavy sigh. But I'm
sure Sanosuke and I are competent enough to make any decisions necessary...
Meg eyed Sanosuke dubiously. He glared down at her.
The dark-haired girl sighed and ignored him. she continued, the
general practice after a breakdown such as Ken-san had would be to keep him
under regular surveillance, to be sure medication is taken appropriately and
any other needed measures are taken. When this was discussed, the doctor
that had been observing him had felt that such an action wouldn't be
received very well.
Kaoru looked up at Sanosuke, who nodded soberly. Kenshin wouldn't deal
well with that. He's gonna have problems as it is, taking the pills n all.
Why is that? Meg inquired officiously.
He thinks it's too expensive, and he's afraid he won't be able to take
care of jou-chan and Misao without that money.
Kaoru blinked at Sanosuke. He smiled a little sadly and reached over to
muss up her hair. We're just gonna hafta work on im, right,
she returned, trying to brighten her smile. It would be all
right... Sanosuke was there to help them, to help tou-san, and he would
make sure things would work out... he wouldn't let anything bad happen to
them. He wouldn't...
Well, with that in mind... I thought that perhaps, it would be best if I
were to be that surveillance, Meg said calmly, quietly. Ken-san knows me
already, and since I'm also acquaintanced with a few other members of the
household, it would be easy for me to come by and see how things are. This
would be on a daily basis, you understand...
Every day? Sanosuke questioned.
That's usually what daily' means, Kaoru pointed out sharply. Then she
returned her attention to Meg, worriedly. It wouldn't take long for
tou-san to figure out something was up, you know.
I'm not suggesting you lie to him, Kaoru-chan! Meg looked wounded. It's
simply a better thing for a man to see a pretty, friendly young woman
checking up on him every day than a cranky old man he has no relation to,
right? Someone nice to look at, who'll do all she can to make him... feel
better?
Kaoru opened her mouth to protest Meg's sudden interpretation of her
position, but was overpowered by a much deeper voice, made brusque with
outrage.
Hey, now, whaddya think yer gonna be doin' here, kitsune? You just try and
put your hands on Kenshin an' I swear to God I'll-
Meg blinked in obvious delight, reclining again on the couch. Just
a bit possessive, are we, Sanosuke? Is there something you'd like to tell
the class?
Kaoru looked up at Sanosuke in a resurgence of her insatiable curiousity.
The teenaged boy was steadily turning bright red, staring in dismay at the
dark-haired young woman who was watching him with smug knowing. The younger
girl looked in between them a few times, then grew frustrated and punched
Sanosuke's knee. He jumped, then blinked down at her. he protested
weakly.
she demanded.
Sanosuke grinned sheepishly, then pushed off the edge of the couch. I'll
go get Kenshin so we can discuss this, all right? he threw in quickly as he
retreated for the kitchen. Kaoru started to chase him, then sank back into
her chair with a heavy sigh.
Just try to get an answer out of him... she gritted out, casting an
annoyed glance up at Meg, who smiled and shrugged prettily.
I should think the look on his face would be answer enough, Kaoru-chan...

The discussion went much better than they had feared it would. Kenshin had
agreed quite docilely, though there had been a certain resignation in his
eyes that had hurt Sano a little to behold. It had to be bad enough for him
that everyone knew of his condition... he seemed so ashamed of it. As
though... as though he could have done anything to change it! But now,
through all that... he had to feel he was losing control of his entire life.
Though it was possible he'd never felt in control of it in the first place.
And that hurt more than anything else.
Sano pulled the bedroom door shut behind him softly, letting the latch
click slowly enough that the wood didn't thump. Kenshin's position didn't
change, back to him, shoulders drawn up slightly, knees to his chest,
something that looked like a textbook balanced on his slim thighs, head
bowed so he could read. His crimson hair was free from its usual tie, free
along the line of his back that was always visible through the fabric of his
shirt.
he said softly.
Kenshin didn't move, and Sano winced. Taking a deep breath, he crossed the
floor in one stride and knelt down on the bed behind him, nudging one knee
against the small of his back. The redhead made a soft noise of discontent,
then turned his face towards Sano.
What is it de gozaru ka? he asked quietly.
Sano shifted to sit, peering worriedly into those crystalline
depths. Are you... are you okay?
It was a lame question, but the twitch of Kenshin's lips indicated that he
understood. I... Sano... He shook his head, then fell silent, looking
away. Don't. Everything is fine de gozaru yo.
Sano scowled a little, then lifted Kenshin's sharp chin up with one finger,
forcing his beloved to meet his gaze. He expected the other to attempt a
smile, to allay his worry, as he had always done before... and yet, Kenshin
looked obediently into his eyes, and the face Sano beheld was a miserable
one.
he said softly. See, you're not all right. He stroked a fingertip
along his cheek, smoothing his thumb beneath Kenshin's eye and tracing the
cheekbone. The redhead squinted a little, wincing immediately away from his
touch. Though it was only a natural reaction, since he had indeed come close
to grazing his naked eye, something twinged in Sano's chest, and he pulled
away, wounded.
Kenshin blinked at him, and seemed about to speak again when the
once-clear gaze of those crystalline eyes became clouded, distracted. His
lips moved, and then he froze, head cocking slowly to one side.
Sano stared at him, an unpleasant churning in his stomach
bringing with it a rush of adrenaline that prickled at his every nerve. His
lover didn't even seem to hear him, eyes focused on something far away,
every moment stilled...
Stop it, Kenshin said softly, voice shaking, jaw clenched.
Stop... stop what, Kenshin? If I-
That's not fair de gozaru. Stop it. Stop it... It was as if he wasn't
even listening, his voice distant, but the pain in his words so clear...
Sano leaned forward, conflicted in his bafflement, but blindly wanting to
comfort that harm he had done away, though he didn't know what... what he
had done, other than prying, other than caring! He was only trying to help,
and if Kenshin didn't see that-
the older man continued to plead, shoulders beginning to shake,
hands digging into the mattress beside his feet. Stop- none of them know,
no one knows! I don't know de gozaru yo! I don't remember! How can it have
been me if I can't remember any of it de gozaru ka? I- I didn't! It was him
de gozaru yo! He'll take all credit if you ask him de gozaru.
Sano froze in midair, his hands shaking where they had reached out to lay
on Kenshin's shoulders, to draw him close so they could talk in some form of
calm, so he could judge just how angry with him Kenshin was. What was he
talking about...? It was like he wasn't even talking to-
With a shuddering intake of breath, Sano waved his hand in front of
Kenshin's eyes.
There was no reaction.
he whispered again, tense, beginning to ache all over as his
muscles trembled with both the exertion of holding so still and a developing
terror. The redhead again didn't respond to him, eyes still blindly staring
at some point beyond the wall, hands digging so hard into the mattress that
Sano was somewhat perversely reminded of how those small hands had clutched
at and ripped those same sheets that still covered this bed in the midst of
their lovemaking, only a few days ago... But the joy they'd shared in each
other then was in no way mirrored in the utter despair darkening those
beautiful features now...
I didn't... he repeated, the smallest of tears welling in his eyes,
threatening but not spilling over his pale cheeks just yet. I didn't. I
didn't de gozaru yo. It wasn't- It couldn't have been- It was all so long
ago, I- Stop it! STOP IT!
Kenshin's tiny, delicate hands lifted suddenly from the mattress, and
surged with an inhuman quickness to his ears, then to his cheeks, his eyes-
Sano thought at first, was sure at first that he was only covering his ears,
trying to block out whatever he was hearing inside his mind, and covering
his face to hide from whatever he saw... But those fingers moved with
terrifying force, digging down hard, and Kenshin sobbed aloud, his
fingertips coming away stained crimson-
Sano grabbed his wrists, tearing his hands away without caring
for the violence of the movement, not caring that Kenshin might be angry
with him for interfering, only caring to stop him, to end this, even knowing
it was too late to stop him from hurting himself, as the blood painted his
pale flesh...
I couldn't have killed all those people!!
The plaintive cry was the last thing Sano heard before he cracked a palm
over his lover's cheek, knocking Kenshin's frail form backwards with the
sheer force of the blow. Sano froze, looking dumbly at the palm of his hand,
staring at the smear of Kenshin's blood across his fingers.

Kenshin's soft cry broke the sudden spell, and Sano reached out to him
plaintively, catching one hand, eyes aching in remonstration as he beheld
the red mark of his palmprint on his lover's already-ravaged cheek.
he gasped, a bitter surge of self-loathing choking him, oh,
Gods, I'm so sorry... I- You were- I didn't know what to do, I- I thought
you would-
You thought I was going to hurt myself de gozaru ka? Kenshin sounded
bitter, though his gaze was still locked to Sano's eyes, stunned...
Y-yeah... Oh, Gods, Kenshin... Sano lifted one hand up to brush lightly
over the bleeding scratches, the furious red mark from his blow... I... I
thought, I... I didn't... He bit his lower lip, a sudden rush of tears
choking him, and he cast his gaze away, drawing his hand back.
He'd hit Kenshin.
In all his life, he'd tried so hard... he'd tried to never hurt someone he
cared about, like Yahiko, Katsu... There had been times he'd wanted to, so
badly, to just beat some sense into them, to make them stop prying, to make
them leave him alone... So when others had pushed him, it didn't take much
to make him snap. But since... since he did love them, he'd never wanted to
hurt them, he'd never really wanted to hurt them... or anybody...
He just couldn't help it sometimes...
But Kenshin... even if he had been trying to knock him from that state,
that frightful trance, he... he'd struck him...
What kind of monstrous bastard was he?
Sano... Sano, I- I'm sorry... I just-
What the Hell are you apologizing for? Sano snapped, feeling the torrent
of guilt and self-hatred pour over his cheeks, looking up at the man he
loved with all his heart and had just... beaten... I'm the one who just hit
you, dammit.
Kenshin stared at him, a thin trickle of red marking his jawline. Then he
sighed, shakily, and reached out to stroke his cheek lightly.
The trailing fingertips left heat, wetness, and Sano winced. Daijoubu de
gozaru yo, Kenshin said quietly. You saved me from a far worse power de
gozaru.
What do you mean? Sano returned quietly, remembering in a burning rush
those words Kenshin had spoken, eyes glazed over, ignoring every entreaty
he'd made... Kenshin... what haven't you told me?
Amethyst eyes met his, and the fear within their depths twisted his innards
painfully enough to push a whimper past his lips. Whatever this was...
What was it that they... Sano touched Kenshin's temple lightly, that
they were telling you, about... killing...? The last fell from trembling
lips, mouth gone dry.
Kenshin's lips parted, and he stared silently into Sano's eyes, begging
without words for... something...
Sano answered, knowing somewhere deep inside that Kenshin
needed to hear it before he could bring himself to go on. I will never
leave you. No matter what.
Do you promise de gozaru ka? Kenshin whispered, eyes wide, voice brittle
and shaking.
Sano brushed a fingertip across his nose, nudging the tip affectionately,
knowing without any doubt that this was the truth... the truest words he'd
ever spoken in his life. No matter what, he could never leave Kenshin... not
when the other man needed him so much... not when he needed Kenshin so much.
It was something he had never known was missing, a part of him he'd never
known was incomplete until he'd felt it whole... No matter what the truth of
this was, nothing could make him leave Kenshin's side.
I swear on my life, he said gravely. I'll never leave you.
Kenshin nodded, and when their gazes met again, he was smiling, such trust
in his deep eyes... I'll tell you what I know, he said softly. That isn't
much de gozaru na.
'S okay. Sano reached out and drew Kenshin to his chest, resting his
cheek atop his head. Tell me. I'll do what I can.
There was a brief pause, then Kenshin sighed and began.
I never knew my parents de gozaru yo. The only memories I have of my
childhood are being in a dark place... and a man teaching me things I didn't
quite understand. All I can remember... I thought it was a game de gozaru
na. And it wasn't... But I don't know why de gozaru. And after that... I
don't remember anything at all, until... I was eighteen.
Sano jumped, then blinked incredulously down at his head.
That... how did you-
I wasn't in control, Kenshin explained calmly, as though it was nothing
at all. Battousai had control of us for that time, and I don't have access
to his memories de gozaru. So I don't know any of what happened in that
time, because I wasn't there de gozaru yo. When I woke up again, I was
eighteen and in some sort of government office, I believe de gozaru na. They
told me I was going to America, and I would live a new life there... I told
them I didn't know what life I had been living in Japan, but they didn't
listen to me and left the room de gozaru. So I found myself out on the
street... and a man- Kenshin suddenly stiffened in his arms, and Sano
hugged him consolingly, rocking him a little until he calmed somewhat.
There was a man, and he arrested me de gozaru... He took me to the police
station and showed me pictures of... horrible things, people who had been
slaughtered...

Kenshin fell silent, and Sano tightened his embrace, still trying to
comprehend all this... He'd read a lot on the conditions the doctor had told
him Kenshin had, and he'd thought he understood them pretty well, but
this... to see the schizophrenia in all its horrible action, and listen to
him so casually discuss not being in control of his own body... It was
frightening. More than a little frightening.
They said that I had done that to all those people de gozaru yo, Kenshin
said quietly.
The very concept seemed laughable, at first, and Sano was tempted to point
out that it couldn't possibly be true. Kenshin got queasy cutting hamburger,
and usually had to sit down for a few minutes both before and after or he
would pass out. How could someone with a constitution like that possibly
ever...
he gasped aloud, remembering how jou-chan had described the
other personality that had overtaken Kenshin that time long ago. Kenshin had
said, he hadn't been in control...
Kenshin whispered against his chest in a small voice. That was the
only thing I could think de gozaru. I- I couldn't stand it... The thought
that I had been there, only sleeping... while we did these horrible things,
oh Sano... His voice broke, and he nestled closer to Sano's chest, where
his heart lay pounding. I... The people from the office came to the station
and got me, and they told me that all those people had been enemies of the
government de gozaru... They said I had been an agent for them since I was a
little boy...
A governmental assassin...? Sano whispered, heart pounding, hands
trembling on Kenshin's arms. This gentle man... this warm, beautiful, caring
man he loved so much and that loved him so much, who raised his daughters
all alone, those girls that had turned out to be as wonderful as their
father...
A hired killer...? Trained since childhood...?
If for only just a moment, Sano saw the redhead trembling against his chest
in drastically different eyes... but then...
You don't remember any of it? he whispered.
It wasn't me de gozaru yo. It was Hitokiri Battousai.
Kenshin looked up into his eyes, and the pain there was so immense... HIs
Kenshin. Oh, Gods, his Kenshin... this couldn't be real.
But a few moments passed, and he realized with a sickening twist of his
stomach that it was. This was reality.
But it hadn't... it hadn't been this man... it had been the one he
struggled to keep away. Hitokiri Battousai. Not his Kenshin.
And his Kenshin needed him.
Sano leaned down decisively and kissed him, hard and unforgiving. Kenshin
gasped against his lips, then melted against him with a whimper.
I love you, he murmured against his mouth. I love you. I'll never leave
you. Never. I love you. I'll always be here. I love you. I love you...
Kenshin clutched him close, and Sano lowered him to the mattress, finding
his lips again. It didn't matter. It hadn't been Kenshin. He'd always be
here... always by his side... and he would take the pain away, take the pain
away with his hands and his lips and make sure Kenshin would never cry
again...

*** *** ***