When the sun set behind the west tower of the castle and even the cheekiest Hogwarts student returned from Hogsmeade to slip into their various dormitories again unseen, Severus slowly rose from his bed and walked towards the small basin behind the door of the bathroom to cool his face with some water, noticing, without much interest, how quiet the dormitory and the commons had been for some time now. Not a single soul had turned up since he had collapsed on his bed, broken, and unable to move a single muscle for what seemed hours, until now. The mirror showed the image of a person Severus seemed to recognize, vaguely, from a time long forgotten. From a time long before Hogwarts, long before lessons, and teachers, and essays, and exams.
He dried his hands and his gaze fell back onto his bed, on the few items that he had not crammed into his large bag yet, in anticipation of their journey home in... he counted silently... four days time. There were very few things left. Only the most necessary ones. His nightshirt, for example, and the reference book on Transfiguration basics. But he had lost all enthusiasm for packing and a cloud was, once again, hanging over his mind, like it used to. Dark and threatening.
Severus stomach cramped slightly. What had happened? Until a week ago he had been ecstatic about going home, but now... Everything had happened so fast. The exams, Professor McGonagall's sudden disappearance, his intellectual blackout... and today's visit of his father. An unfortunate incident, really. Bad luck more than anything. How many students' parents happened to visit the school two days after their child had failed the most important exam of all? Not too many, Severus resolved. Mr. Black had supervised the practical NEWTs, of course. Severus had spotted him the moment he had arrived at Hogwarts. And some people had their parents around by definition. Sally-Ann Bablefish for instance, or Morgana McGonagall. Most of the time, at least. But why did the Deputy Headmistress have to return the moment his father had entered the grounds?
Severus shuffled back to his bed and slammed himself onto it. Front first, naturally. It was a mistake nevertheless. He cramped and had to close his eyes for a full minute before the repercussion of this carelessness died away again. When he opened them once more, the room was slightly blurred and something wet was slowly running down his cheeks.
How unlucky could you be? How unfortunate could circumstances get once you had failed the only exam that was of actual importance? How could you forget the content of every single lesson since the beginning of the year without remembering a trace of it - the very minute you needed your knowledge most?
Another tear found its way along his face and he wiped it away hastily. Only children allowed their emotions to take control like this. Only children cried. And wimps. Severus was not a wimp. And he was no child. He was a Hogwarts student. A young man, responsible for his actions. And for his grades. Responsible for a failed Transfiguration exam. And all that had come out of it so far.
Severus was afraid of going home. There was no use denying it now. He had been convinced that everything would be as usual. That he would find the same deserted house, containing nothing but his slightly disorientated mother and a whole bunch of empty rooms - just like the situation had been shortly before Christmas. But now father had returned. Had come home from Africa and proceeded more or less directly to Hogwarts the very day he, Severus, had sat in the Great Hall, a piece of parchment before him, unable to get hold of a single thought that was worth noting down. His brain had betrayed him. Had left him alone the moment he needed to concentrate most. During the very exam he had dreaded for weeks and weeks and weeks...
Another tear. Another quick movement of his arm.
'Pull yourself together,' said a voice. A familiar voice he had come to like a lot in recent weeks, whenever it bothered turning up.
'Skein,' he whispered. 'Where are you?'
'I am sitting right in front of you,' said Skein. And he was.
Severus rested his face on his arms and closed his eyes. 'That's good,' he muttered. 'I feel better when you're here.'
'What happened during the exam?' said Skein quietly.
'I don't know,' whispered Severus, feeling very weak all of a sudden. 'I don't know. I swear I have been revising. But something's wrong with my brain, Skein. I don't know... I swear there's something wrong with my memory.'
'I doubt it,' said Skein sternly. 'Is that what you told him? Is that your excuse? That your brain isn't working properly?'
'I know there's something wrong,' whispered Severus unhappily. 'It was just... blank all of a sudden -'
'Wimp,' said Skein, assuming a frighteningly sharp voice. 'You whiny little idiot. That excuse is just typical of you...'
'No!' whimpered Severus desperately, opening his eyes again, looking at Skein in hope of discovering that he was being sarcastic. 'I'm not. I swear, I -'
'Severus?'
A voice coming from the entrance of the dormitory had Severus open his eyes again, jerking around, and promptly crouching together in pain. Lucius was standing in the doorway, glancing at every one of Severus's movements with no little concern and confusion on his face.
'What are you doing?' he said, taking a few steps towards Severus's bed in the corner. 'Whom are you talking to?'
Severus made to tell him, but when he looked up Skein had disappeared from the place where he had just sat. In utter confusion Severus closed his eyes and looked at Lucius again, now visibly embarrassed.
'N-no one.'
'Is everything okay?' said Lucius calmly. 'I've seen you talk to Professor Vector this morning, but I didn't come round to asking whether there was anything wrong. Did you fail an exam?'
'Transfiguration,' muttered Severus, his face burning. 'I thought McGonagall hadn't returned, so I talked to Professor Vector.'
'And what did she say?' inquired the older boy.
'If it's the only one I've messed up, I'll proceed to second grade as planned,' said Severus quietly.
'Well, that's good, isn't it?' remarked Lucius. 'What're you crying for, then?'
Severus stared at him, instinctively wiping his face again. 'I'm not!' he lied quickly. 'I am... merely... tired.'
'Did your father talk to Professor Vector as well?' said Lucius, raising one eyebrow slowly, as if choosing his words deliberately. Severus shivered and looked away quickly.
'You've seen him?'
'He is hard to overlook,' said Lucius. 'I've seen him in the Great Hall at dinner. Talking to Professor McGonagall. And I saw him enter the commons a bit later, so I assumed he'd heard about the exam and was going to talk to you. What did he say?'
'He... wasn't pleased,' said Severus vaguely. 'Leave me. I... I've got some packing left.'
Lucius raised his eyebrow again, obviously suppressing a sarcastic remark. 'Very well,' he said coldly. 'I just wanted so make sure you're still alive. The others have all been to the Quidditch pitch to watch the NEWTies play against a selected team of teachers. Just for fun, you know. Their way of saying goodbye.'
Severus remembered. Vaguely.
'I forgot,' he muttered. 'Been busy packing.'
Lucius nodded again. Severus looked up.
'He knows you are lying,' said a voice that was not his own. 'But you can trust him.'
'You... know what he's thinking?' whispered Severus, aware that Skein had returned.
Lucius gave him a puzzled look. 'I... beg your pardon?'
'I mean,' said Severus uneasily, 'I can trust you. I think I can.'
Lucius's expression changed into a surprised smile. 'Why, of course! We're one of a kind, are we not? Of the same blood, so to speak.'
He made a step forward and reached out to touch Severus's shoulder, but the smaller boy backed away. His ears assuming a slightly red colour he turned away from his friend yet again and gave his pillow a subdued look. 'Don't.'
Lucius lowered his arm. 'Severus, you mustn't be angry with him. He only wants the best for you.'
'I'm not angry,' said Severus darkly. 'Leave me.'
'You think you were treated unfairly today,' said Lucius matter-of-factly.
Severus whirled around, squinting slightly, but giving his friend a dangerous glare. 'It's none of your business!'
'I just think,' remarked Lucius with an unmoved look, 'that he might have a point. You never know with parents. My father certainly always knew what was good for me. I never had to worry. And I am sure it's just the same with y-'
'I DIDN'T FAIL THAT EXAM ON PURPOSE!' yelled Severus, feeling more livid than he had ever been, and sat up, regardless of the pain it caused. 'I AM NOT LAZY! I AM NOT AN IDIOT! I JUST PLAINLY FORGOT EVERYTHING I KNEW THE MOMENT I NEEDED IT! THAT'S ALL!!'
Lucius looked at him in a mixture of pity and anger and got up.
'Just listen to yourself,' he said, sounding contemptuous. 'How probable is that, hm? If my son told me such lies, I'd give him much more than a beating, you know.'
Severus glared into his eyes, fighting in vain against a whole bunch of irate tears again. Lucius's words brought up a painfully familiar sensation, which he had hoped to have fought down long ago. It was a kind of hot anger that made him strike blindly with no consideration of the consequences, having earned him the worst kind of injuries imaginable in the early days. It was not a sensation he felt he could control, although he had successfully managed to keep out of situations in which it arose for the past six or so years.
Before he could help himself he had snatched his friend's arm and pulled him very close, perceiving his own voice as a hiss rather than normal speech.
'I am not lying,' he panted. 'I am telling the truth. And you have no idea just how much it has taken me to realize that.'
'Don't bother,' said Skein from behind Lucius's back. 'He cannot understand you unless you tell him the full story.'
Severus stopped, stared, and eventually pushed the older boy away from him.
'That's true,' he panted. 'You don't understand me. No one does. And I don't want them to. All I want is to be LEFT ALONE!'
And he slammed himself into his pillows again, wincing as his back answered this decision with another painful sting. He felt Lucius hesitating for a long while, then rising and walking towards the door.
'You're an idiot, Severus,' he said, apparently without even turning. 'Don't fight him. Try to learn. If you fight, you'll break. It's as easy as that.'
And he left. Severus, on the other hand, did not move until more or less pleasant dreams carried him away from the darkness of the first-year dormitory and sleep was at last thankfully numbing his senses.