Act I – Scenes 3 – 5
"…T'Pol, I'm sorry…"
I break, the first sobs wracking my body. I get up and stagger from the curtained bed out into sickbay. I don't want her to see me like this. Almost blind with tears I stumble to a chair and collapse into it, burying my face in my hands, weeping in angry desolation.
I hate this damn ship.
I hate the damn Xindi and that damn engine.
I hate Jon for letting us try it.
I hate myself. For everything.
I hate myself for needing her. For watching her suffer and wanting her to hold on. For wanting her back. I hate myself for the mistake that caused all this. I hate myself for being unable to face the idea of letting her go.
"I'm sorry, T'Pol, I'm sorry…"
Without warning there is a light touch on my head. Startled, my head snaps up-
And I freeze.
…She looks like T'Pol.
I didn't think she would. She's can't be more than two or three years old, only a head taller than my knees. But that's her nose, her mouth, her ears sticking out of downy, straight hair cut short. Her eyes, unfamiliarly expressive, her face overcome with worry.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to see her, don't want to see what I've done. But all the blood in my veins has turned to ice and I'm helpless to move or escape.
"Ri maf-tor," she murmurs quietly, and she reaches up with a tiny hand to touch my face consolingly. "Nam-tor muhl… Nash-veh la."
I don't understand, I want to say. But I do understand. A new wave of self loathing comes over me, and I pull away and look down, nauseated. I've done this to her, and she's comforting me. She can't even know who I am.
Bitter tears slip down my face, and I close my eyes. I swallow the sob that threatens to escape, choking on it. Stepping close to me, she lays her head on my knees, her fingers clasping my pant legs, gently repeating her words from before. "Ri maf-tor." But her attempt to comfort me only makes it harder. I give up, give in, and let myself cry. I'm too tired to fight it.
I feel her lift her head, feel her watching me, and her grip tightens. After a couple minutes the tears slow enough for me to take a steadying breath. I try the breathing techniques T'Pol instructed me in for neuropressure; it helps enough. Sighing, I look up. The little girl meets my eyes, her own face wet with tears now, and another runs down her cheek.
I'm stunned. How could she empathize with me? But she looks up at me solemnly. Suddenly, I feel like I'm looking at T'Pol.
My abhorrence towards her melts a little. "Hey," I whisper, and reaching down wipe the tears from her face. "I didn't mean to make you cry."
She sniffles, frowning. She watches me for a moment silently, then seems to come to a decision. Gracelessly, her tiny hands grip my clothing and she decisively but clumsily pulls herself up into my lap. I'm too startled to react. Curling up against me, she clings to my shirtfront as a drowsiness settles over her. "Hafau," she whispers, blinking up at me sleepily. She can't even keep her eyes open long enough to see my lost expression. Her eyelids drift closed, and she nestles against me one last time before giving into sleep.
I look around. We're alone. Phlox's office is dark. I don't want to be here, but I can't leave her.
Hesitantly, I wrap my arms around her, holding her where she settled. I don't know what else to do.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The doors to sickbay slide open several minutes later, admitting Doctor Phlox. Unaware of me, his view obscured by the biobeds between us, he heads to his office humming to himself.
He disappears through the door. The humming stops abruptly, and there's a moment's silence before he calls out. "Tola?" There's a note of panic in his voice, and he rushes out of his office, glancing around sickbay frantically. "Tola!?"
Guessing he was looking for the little girl on my lap, I quickly wipe my face dry with the back of my sleeve and answer quietly. "Over here."
He gives a little jump, startled to see me, and then relieved. "Ah," he sighs seeing us, and comes over with a cheerful smile. "There she is," he says, his voice low. "I was worried she'd tried to run off again. She doesn't seem to like sickbay too much. I've caught her trying to sneak out twice," he chuckled. "And she's asleep! Hmm. Finally. I guess she just needed someone she felt safe with."
I look at the doctor as he turned away to tend to some plants, confused. "…How can she feel safe with me? She doesn't even know me."
"On the contrary, Commander," he says as he fills a sprayer, his expression somewhat grim, "it seems that little Tola here-"
"Tola?"
"Yes. Ensign Sato helped me pick it out. Its short for the Vuclan word for clone, tolasausu," he explained, over-annunciating the foreign word, and I tried not to shudder. Clone. "Anyways," he continued, "it seems that Vulcans store all of their memories in their basic synaptic pathways. By using the Sub-Commander's DNA, it seems most, if not all, of her memories were passed on to Tola when the pathways were formed. She seems to remember all of us. In fact," he grinned over his shoulder, "her first word was 'Phlox'." I feel as though I've had the air knocked out of me. When she came to me, when she was crying… she knew exactly who I was. "Unfortunately, she has all of T'Pol's memories, but still has only the mental capacity of a two year old. Communicating with her has been difficult. She understands English because she can remember years using it, but she instinctively responds in Vulcan. I've been having to use a translator to understand her."
I remained silent for a minute, watching Phlox circulate around the room, spraying his exotic plants. Tola shifted in my arms, sighing but still fast asleep. "Phlox… How much does she remember?"
"Hm?"
"I mean… does she… does she remember the… what happened?"
He stops watering and looks at me sympathetically. "Its hard to say. There's been no indication, so I doubt it. You said you thought the Sub-Commander was unconscious even before she fell. …I think its safe to assume that it happened so quickly she was not even aware of it. Tola won't remember." I let out a shaky, weak sigh, too quiet for him to hear. "She has been remembering other incidents, though," he continues, turning back to his plants. "And she doesn't yet have the capacity for the Sub-Commander's emotional control. Been having nightmares every time I try to get her to sleep. She woke up this afternoon, screaming something about someone being on the ship. I couldn't get her to come out from under the desk for an hour." Guilt washes over me as I recall all of the things we've seen, been through on this ship, and try to imagine the terror those memories must evoke for two year old girl in my lap. I don't even know what T'Pol saw before I met her. …This wouldn't be happening, she wouldn't be going through this, if it weren't for me. "She seems to be sleeping fine with you here, though," he said, nodding towards her.
"Why would I make a difference?" I asked quietly. "Look what I did."
He regards me with a look somewhere between compassion and frustration at my shortsightedness. "You've been spending more time with her, due to the neuropressure sessions. It seems to me you've come to know her better than anyone, even myself." He pauses. "She trusts you. Even as young as she is, she knows that."
"And look what it got her," I mutter to myself. I close my eyes tightly, trying to will away the tears threatening to spill over again.
Pushing the emotions down, I move to rise from the chair. "I need to get back to Engineering."
"Actually, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you'd stay for a couple hours. She needs the sleep. And you look like you could use the rest."
"I have to get back." I start to stand, lifting Tola in my arms who hardly stirs. "Where do you want me to put her?"
He stops me with a question. "Commander, when's the last time you slept?"
I grimace in aggravation. It's been days; he knows that as well as I do. "Its been a while."
"Then you're to remain in that chair and not move for at least two hours."
"But-"
"Doctor's orders."
I scowl. "I don't have time-"
"Commander, you haven't stopped working for three days straight. If you want, I can contact Captain Archer, but I think we both know he would agree with me."
I sit back crossly. He's right. The Captain had already tried to get me to rest for a couple hours, but I had refused.
Seeing me comply, Phlox returns to his plants. Tola moves in my lap, whimpering softly, and I tighten my arms around her protectively.
"Hey, Phlox?"
"Yes?"
"…What does hafau mean?"
"Hafau?" He glances over at me.
"Yeah. It was something she said earlier."
Walking over to a counter, he picked up the translator Hoshi had lent to him. "Let's see… Hafau…" He looked up at me. "It means 'stay'."
My throat constricts, and I look down at the little girl I hold, pulling her close, all of my frustration at being kept here dissipating. I had failed T'Pol. I wasn't going to fail Tola as well.
As sickbay again falls silent, the sounds of machinery from behind the curtain echo through the room. Whir. Click. Shhh.
**********************
/Beep./
T'Pol dropped my shirt, and it fell back into place as she stepped away and walked to the computer. I closed my eyes, trying to breathe and quell the shock and something else I didn't dare name.
/Beep./
I took a deep breath and expelled it. This was as controlled as I was going to get. Without a word or glancing back I left.
I walked quickly down the corridor and around two corners to the turbolift and called it, grateful the hallways were empty. The doors opened immediately and I stepped inside, not even pressing a button as the lift closed. I leaned back against the curved wall.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, Trip?" I muttered to myself, staring at the ceiling. "You can't do this. You can't be doing this."
But what was I doing?
Unbidden the memory of the last five minutes consumed me. The feeling of her in my hands, the sound of her voice, her body almost against mine washed over me. I started imagining stepping forwards, stepping against her and-
I groaned and hit the button for D deck. I'd head back to the command center, take a look over those results. Work. Work until I was so exhausted I could actually sleep, and in the morning I could convince myself this had all been some strange dream.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
None of it made sense. Again. I had been staring at this thing for almost an hour, and still it yielded no answers.
I leaned back in the chair, digging at my eyes and running my fingers through my hair. I had even calculated for one-tenthousandth of a decible – not that I could even tune the engines that fine – and the results were even more off than before.
My eyes stung with exhaustion, and I let them drift closed. I couldn't justify working on this project any longer. I'd been away from my duties in Engineering for four days, and it wasn't fair to my team. I thought the captain would have approved the research when it looked like I might get something. But after four days of running in circles, I was surprised Lt. Hess hadn't started complaining.
At least I'd finally managed to cool down some from what had happened in T'Pol's quarters. The images, the feelings, were still playing over in my mind, but I had managed to exhaust myself to the point where they were at least no longer vivid.
Why was I doing this? She was an officer, an acquaintance, and, in recent months, a friend. I had come to know more about her in the past several weeks than I had learned in two years.
I couldn't even place when I had started feeling this way. Or what I was even feeling. It wasn't lust. If it had been, I don't think I would have high-tailed it out of there like that. I thought back to all the different relationships I'd had before. The serious ones. The causal ones. It didn't feel like any of those. Not even close. What had hit me over the head had been enough to make me run. I never run.
Was I…?
No. /No./ I wasn't in love with her. After all, I'd been in love before. This was different.
This was…was…
Scaring the shit out of me? Yeah. That's about as close I could come to naming it.
But it wasn't love. It couldn't be.
Could it?
I rubbed my eyes and slumped, letting my head fall back against the backrest. No, I decided firmly. It wasn't. Even if it was, it wasn't. What would be the point? I wasn't going to make a fool of myself. I wasn't going to put myself through the pain.
I wasn't going to lose her.
…I did not just think that.
I let myself float between consciousness and sleep. Briefly the memory of her lifting my shirt played in my mind, her fingers traveling up my abdomen and chest, and I wondered how I could ever again let her touch me without seizing her in my arms and-
Suddenly from behind the doors to the command center whooshed open. I jumped in the chair, my eyes snapping open, turning in time to see T'Pol, changed into her maroon uniform, rush in with a PADD in hand. She saw me immediately, and I sat like a deer in headlights, frozen as she came towards me.
"I've been trying to find you. I believe I found the problem with the equation," she announced quickly, already turning to the computer.
I took me a long moment to respond. "…W-what?"
She glanced over at me as she entered commands into the computer. "You're trying to solve for one variable here, correct?" I nodded mutely. "There should be two. Observe."
On the screen appeared a visualization of the scenario I had run. I had watched this twenty times at least. But she had pulled up another window as well that began playing simultaneously, this one showing the readings of the warp field.
As I watched, the tail of the wavering blue line flickered into red. It was almost too fast to see, a blip on the screen. Then it happened again.
Realization dawned. Suddenly sober and wide awake, I stood from the chair, watching each fluctuation. The warp field was being compromised. It was minute, but definitely there.
"And this," she said, "is a simulation of the ship running with engines unmodified."
The second simulation showed the same thing, but with the red flashes further apart.
"You mean we're having this problem now?" I asked, not looking away from the screen.
"Yes. Which would explain why you couldn't identify the frequency of the subspace wake."
"…How the hell did you find this?" I said, finally glancing at her and looking back. "This can't be causing more than… point seven percent difference from optimum efficiency."
"Point five," she corrected, and I looked at her incredulously. "The only reason it caught my attention was because it has been steadily increasing since we entered the expanse. Two months ago sensor logs show it was at point three percent. A month ago point four. The further in we go into the expanse, the more it increases. …It was in the report I delivered today." Of course.
"What's it being caused by?"
"Gravimetric distortions created by the spheres."
"But that's what I calculated for. That's the variable I've been trying to solve," I exclaimed in frustration.
"Which is correct. However, the same force which causes the distortions also has a secondary effect: it also causes the warp field to fluctuate towards the extremity of the oscillation, which is what we are seeing here. The first variable should be the effect of the gravimetric distortions on space, and the second-"
"The effect of the distortions on the warp field!" I finished. I rushed to the consol behind us and began entering new equations. "…T'Pol, pull up the simulation program and enter this in under the second field: 4.8729."
Buttons beeped behind me as she quickly did so. "Done."
"What's the new solution?"
She looked to the seventh field. "9.284"
"Ok, third field:…"
We typed in the commands for the new simulation, throwing numbers across the room, getting all the calculations done and the sequences formulated.
I sighed, finally joining her in front of the screen. "Okay, I think that's it. Let's give it a try."
She entered the command to run the simulation. I stood there, glued to the screen as the numbers began flashing. One window showed the ship in flight, another the warp field, and a third the engine status. There was a long pause, minutes in duration, as the computer calculated in all of the variables and values. Finally, the simulation began. I held my breath as the ship started moving. Warp 2. Warp 2.4. Warp 3.1. Warp 3.8. Warp 4.6. Warp 4.9…
Everything turned red, and the simulation ended. "Dammit!" I rubbed my face. "This is going to take me a while."
She studied me a moment. "…We could have it done in a couple hours."
…We? I looked over at her. "T'Pol, it's almost 12am. Are you sure?"
Her eyes captured my gaze. "Yes," she said resolutely.
My blood raced through my veins, all of the feelings briefly returning. I tried to push it aside. She was offering her help, and God knew I needed it. And what excuse really did I have to turn her down? "Okay," I agreed. "Let's do it."
She nodded in earnest, and we both turned to separate stations, beginning again the calculations. I paused, and glanced over my shoulder at her. I watched her fingers dance over the controls, her lips tighten in concentration, and my breath shortened.
Had I ever really noticed her before? Like this?
I turned back to my station and tried to focus on the equation. I needed to forget what I was feeling, before I did something stupid. Numbers were good for that.
**********************
I shoot up in the chair with a choked cry, almost dropping Tola. Sweat and tears pour down my face as I gasp for air and look around frantically.
I'm in sickbay.
Not engineering.
Sickbay.
I crumple back in the chair, closing my eyes. Reaching up, I wipe my eyes with a hand and glanced at the clock on a nearby consol. Eleven forty-two. I grimace in guilt. I've been asleep almost three hours.
I look down at Tola; she slept through my nightmare peacefully. Her hand has fallen from my shirt, and the half of her face I can see is relaxed in an infantile bliss.
I scan then room for Phlox. Sickbay is empty, but the light in his office is on. Carefully I stand, hoisting Tola in my arms, and walk to the door. Phlox is at his desk, looking over some padds, and he looks up immediately.
"Ah, you can set her over there," he says quietly, indicating a mat on the floor against the wall. He stands as I kneel and gently lay Tola down on the make-shift bed. She gives a whimpering sigh as I cover her, curling up against the cold mattress. I gaze down at her for a moment, then rise.
Phlox follows me out of his office. "Hopefully she'll stay asleep for a little while."
I nod absently, my eyes transfixed on the curtains. Without turning to him, I ask quietly, "How is she?"
I don't need to clarify any further; he grimaces and shuffles. "There's been no improvement."
I nod again. There's nothing I can say.
Turning, I head briskly for the door, calling over my shoulder, "I'll be in engineering."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Engineering is crowded, with all shifts working straight through. But for all the people, it is strangely quiet. No more than a whispered buzz. Even the clinking of metal and the hum of tools seems muffled.
I don't want to be here either.
I step in and let the doors close behind me. Lt. Hess spots me immediately and heads over. "Sir, here's the readings for the engine damage you wanted."
She hands me a padd. "Thanks," I mumble, hardly glancing at it. I start walking in, looking around at the different repair teams. This place is a mess, shrapnel and debris on the floor, burn marks scored into the walls, pipes and wires jutting through holes in the bulkheads and ceiling. We don't even have the material to repair half this stuff.
"We're having some problems adjusting the energy output to the main computer. Some of the wiring was damaged, and we're worried about a surge if we connect the wrong thing first."
I don't look at her as I answer. "Can you bypass the damage?" I asked rotely.
"Some of it, but so much of the wires have been melted we're going to have to be careful how we do it or we might lose systems."
I hesitate before answering, rubbing the bridge of my nose. My head was pounding. "I'll be over there in a few minutes."
She wavers, concerned. I'm not doing a very good job of hiding the strain. "Yes, sir."
She turns and leaves for the damaged area. Lifting the padd to read it, I started walking over towards the engine. But the words and numbers pass in front of my eyes without effect. All I can see is the nightmare I had, T'Pol lying in sickbay, and Tola…
I lean against the side of the engine and close my eyes, trying to rid my mind of the images. But they won't leave. I open my eyes and stare at the floor.
Something catches my attention a few feet away: a large smudge, dry and dark green. Blood, from where T'Pol fell…
Shaking, I turn and yell. "I want someone over here to clean this up now!!!" My voice echoes strangely, and everyone falls silent, staring at me as I turn and rush to the back of engineering. I throw open the bathroom door and slam it closed behind me, barely reaching the toilet before I fall to my knees and retch.
********
Author's Note: First, I know this isn't the greatest rendition of Trip's voice, but I tried to write this as he would tell it and, well, let's face it: Trip's an engineer, not an English major. While his voice can be very humorous and personal in a vignette, outside of technobabble he's got a vocabulary the size of a postage stamp, which doesn't work well for longer stories. So, unfortunately, this is from Trip's POV, not his voice.
Second, all Vulcan words and grammar in this fic will come from the Vulcan Language Institute (www.vulcanlanguage.com). Tolasausu does indeed mean clone.
Third, sorry for all the technobabble. I hope it doesn't bore you or make you run.
Fourth, please review this and give constructive critiques! I'm hoping you guys can tell me what I need to improve on, whether its characterization, pace, etc… Tell me what you like and what you don't like. I really appreciate it.
Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far! :D Enjoy.