Disclaimer: chapter one
Caution: There are some disturbing scenes in this chapter, and later in the story. Harry's mental state isn't the best right now, and there is mention of self-harm. Please don't take offense at this. It's not meant as anything disrespectful towards anyone. I have also upped the rating to PG-13 for this. If anyone feels it should be R, just tell me and I'll raise it again. Thank you!
Thanks to all who reviewed. I have a few responses to specific questions/comments.
siri-padfoot: I didn't have him wish for his parents, because he really never knew them. I think the death of Sirius would affect him extremely badly, and since his thoughts seem to dwell on him of late, that would be the first wish to come to mind. Make sense? My reasoning anyway. :)
MorganD: what would we do without our Padfoot resurrection fics? You'll learn more about what happened to Sirius later on, sorry not this chapter!
Vasquez1987: sorry about typoes and the like! I try to read over it, but usually it's around 2am and I just want to get stuff posted! :)
Mrs. Fawkes: don't worry about me rushing the "everything's fine and dandy now" stuff. What would I have to write if everyone's happy after chapter 2? Hahaha…
Hermionegreen: you'll see in later chapters what happened to Sirius
Danalas the Lady Chaos: thank you! About the shirtless Sirius… not sure if I can work that in, but it's a definite possibility!
Moonlight Snitch: ok, I'll keep going! I don't want an angry reviewer!!! :)
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Chapter 3:
They sat in silence for a quarter of an hour until Sirius broke, asking, "How is your arm? I cleaned it off after you passed out, but I couldn't do much else."
Harry had started to panic at the mention of his arm. In the past weeks he'd started a habit he knew others would think to be unhealthy, but felt so good. The small cuts were the only thing that could decrease the pain of being alone and his guilt, no matter how short-lived the relief was. He didn't really think anything was wrong with doing this, because he wasn't really hurting himself much. Just enough to feel. He realized that Sirius was asking about his burn from that morning, so he didn't need to worry about him finding out.
"I think it's fine. It doesn't hurt much," in truth it stung badly, but nicely hid the healing cuts if one didn't know what to look for. Besides, his cuts were nothing compared to what Remus did to himself as the wolf.
"Remus!" Harry blurted out. "How am I going to tell him about you? He'll never believe me… How many days till the full moon? It's marked on my calendar."
"Three days," replied Sirius. "Why wouldn't he believe you?"
"Well, I've sort of had visions or hallucinations of you coming back… I know one was caused by Voldemort, because you were like a zombie or something else just as horrible. The other time was because I saw a dog down the street. I went to talk to it and it tried to bite me. It had some strange markings that I knew weren't yours, so I figured it out. But I dream about you being alive every night, usually followed by nightmares of you dying again…
"Remus," Harry continued, "had a bad change last full moon. It was right after you d-died… The wolf was, well, a wolf. It was days until he was able to be up and moving around again. Of course, I didn't know any of this until a week later, because they weren't sure if I could handle more on top of you. I've handle more than," Harry was nearly shouting now and forced himself to stay calm. "I can handle it just fine. We need to make sure Remus finds out before the full moon. Wolfsbane potion or not, I don't think he's safe from himself." You're not either when you cut yourself, Harry told himself. But I won't kill myself like Remus could. I don't' cut very deep. I'm safe, he argued in his mind.
"Harry?" Sirius was trying to get his attention.
Harry looked up and had the sudden urge to run out of the house and never look back, or else to embrace the man in front of him and cling to him forever. He was used to having these arguments in his head by now, but he was always the only one in the room. He settled on just leaving the room for a minute to gather his thoughts.
"I'm going to check on the Dursleys, then go to the loo. I'll be back in a bit." Sirius nodded in understanding as Harry left the room.
Harry looked in on his cousin and ant and uncle. They were all too terrified to do anything for the moment. He reassured them that they'd be gone soon enough. He didn't know why he wanted to ease their minds, probably so they didn't do anything stupid like call the police.
He locked the bathroom door and sat down on the cold tiles. He couldn't make any sense of what was going on in his head. He was so happy that the joy overwhelmed him. Or at least would have if he wasn't filled with a profound emptiness that belied any good feeling he could have had.
It was as though dementors were right outside the bathroom door, with slight differences.. He felt cold and empty, but none of the despair or depression dementors brought out. In fact, the longer he sat the more he felt a numbness take over. He couldn't feel anything anymore. No, not quite right, he felt anger at his lack of feelings. My godfather is back, damn it! I should feel something clear about that! He needed to feel human again. There was only one cure he knew for gaining feeling, and that was pain.
As he dug for his blade, he thought of how odd pain was. There were such different types: physical, emotional, perhaps others? Extreme exposure to the Cruciatus Curse and its physical pain could cause insanity. Although, the minor pain of what Harry was doing now could bring him back when he felt his tenuous hold on sanity slip. Pain is what makes you feel human, like a person. It is a master, a friend, a comfort, and an escape. Oops, that as a bit deeper than usual… not too deep though. Good, it wouldn't due to pass out today like other days.
Harry let himself bleed into the sink, washing away the red stain with clear refreshing water. If my blood was as clear as water, he mused, maybe I wouldn't need glasses, my vision would be clear. Uh oh… I don't' think that thought was rational. But if it wasn't, how would I know, since that would make me the irrational one? I'm confused… and tired… and can't stand without the counter.
He stopped the bleeding with a black cloth and bandaged his arm once it was dry. He was smart enough to cut near the burn so he could use that as an excuse. He loved the feeling after he'd bled a bit too much. His head was so light and free. Eventually, there was banging on the door.
Harry struggled to stay standing and opened the door. "Hi, Sirius."
"Harry, are you ok? You're really pale." He noticed the bandage, which barely stuck out the bottom of his long sleeved shirt, "Is your arm bothering you?"
"What? Oh, yeah. I decided to wrap it up, then I felt a bit woozy. Still do," Harry smiled glassy-eyed, it was the truth.
"Come here, let's go sit downstairs and wait for Dumbledore. He'll take care of your arm when he gets here. I've got the cage ready. We can get your trunk later." Sirius held Harry left elbow to stabilize his walking but Harry shrugged it off.
At Sirius's hurt questioning look, Harry leaned on the wall and said, "Sorry, I just didn't want to be a bother."
"You are never a bother to me, ok Harry? My life is to help you."
"Don't. That's how I killed you. You wanted to help and it got you killed by your horrible cousin! I'm sorry. You should have a better godson," Harry muttered quietly.
"Harry, you're the best godson I could hope for. I only wish I could do more for you. I hope Dumbledore can explain what – Harry!?"
Harry had slid to the floor at the top of the steps, and probably would have fallen down them had Sirius not caught him.
"What's going on? This shouldn't have happened from a burn. Are you sick, Harry?"
"No. No, I'm fine. Don't worry. Just a little tired." It was true, he hadn't slept much since the end of school.
Harry was scooped up by Sirius in a wave of dizziness and carried downstairs where he was placed on the couch. Being a sixteen year old boy he really should have objected to this sort of treatment, and fully intended on doing so right after the world stayed in one place. While he was being situated by Sirius, the sleeve of his shirt raised up his arm and Harry heard Sirius gasp.
"Harry, you're bleeding! I need to see it and see what I can do. I'm not great at healing, but I can stop the bleeding for now." So, ignoring Harry's feeble protests (Merlin, I really did lose too much blood this time. Not smart, Harry.), Sirius removed the bandage and muttered an incantation over the wound with his wand. "Harry, what did you do?"
"Sorry," Harry slurred out, "was an accident."
"Do you have any idea how much blood you lost? Hey, Harry, wake up kid. I just want you to stay up until Dumbledore gets here. I don't remember if blood loss is like a concussion or not, so you better stay awake just in case, alright? I'm going to get you some water and food. Can you stay awake until I get back?"
"Mmhmm…" Harry agreed.
Harry was aware of a cheese sandwich and several glasses of water going through his mouth. After the sandwich Harry began to feel much better and less light-headed. He also began to worry. He was worried that Dumbledore wouldn't believe this was really Sirius, or that there was no one there at all. Perhaps the most frightening thought was that Sirius figured out his secret and wouldn't want him for a godson anymore. It was a truly frightening thought. Something of his thoughts must have shown on his usually emotionless face, because Sirius put his hand on Harry's shoulder and cleared his throat.
"Harry, can you tell me what happened?"
"I was in the bathroom and I fell. I must have hit something sharp, because I started to bleed. I tried to clean it up myself, so I wouldn't bug you with it, but I guess I didn't do a very good job…"
Sirius didn't look like he completely believed the story, but didn't push on that vein of conversation any further.
"Albus should be here soon. Hedwig is a fast owl, and I'm sure he'll come as soon as he reads your note."
"Yeah, maybe you should be Snuffles when he comes in. Then he'd know it's you, and it might not be so unbelievable."
"Good idea." At that moment there was a knock at the door. Sirius changed and Harry walked confidently, if not completely steadily, to the door.
"Professor Dumbledore, come in please," greeted Harry. He was momentarily reminded of the sickening greetings Dudley used on Vernon's business guests.
"Hello, Harry. I understand you have some guests you'd like me to see." The ever-present twinkle seemed to dim for barely a second. In that second, Harry knew that his headmaster didn't believe him. It was a horrible feeling, but he knew the old wizard would see soon enough.
"They're in the living room, through here."
When Dumbledore walked into the room, a large, black dog greeted him with a bowed head and a lick on the hand. The dog turned into a man, and Harry and Sirius were among the select few people in history to see Albus Dumbledore truly surprised.
"Would you care to explain, Sirius?" asked a quickly recovered Dumbledore.
"I would like to, but I can't. I remember dueling with Bellatrix in the death chamber, then blackness, then I was a few blocks from here. I caught that rat's, er, Pettigrew's scent and followed him here. I had no idea it was the middle of the summer… Harry's birthday. I was hoping maybe you had an idea as to what could have happened. Harry said I fell through the veil, but how am I here if that's true?"
"I believe this will involve more investigation than I can achieve here. I understand you also have Mr. Pettigrew here?"
"Yes, sir," Harry answered holding up Hedwig's cage. "Will you take him to the Ministry now? Do I need to come and make a statement? What will happen to Sirius?"
Dumbledore held up his hand for Harry to stop. "All in good time, Harry. Yes, Mr. Pettigrew will have to go to the Ministry. You may not have to make a statement with his testimony. As to Sirius, I will have to think about that some more also. Perhaps a trip to Mr. Lupin's house is in order. Harry, would you care to join us? I believe your relatives would give you permission on your birthday, would they not?"
Harry wanted to tell him exactly what his relatives thought about his birthday, but though better of it. He was so excited to leave and not get left in this hell of a house for one more day.
"I'll just grab my trunk and be back down in a minute!"
"Do you need a hand, Harry?" asked Sirius pointedly. Harry was glad for the help as he was still a bit weak from the morning's events.
After they'd told the Dursleys that Harry was leaving, they headed for Mrs. Figg's house to use the Floo to get to Remus's. Harry was very nervous about this. He hadn't had much chance to talk to Remus in the past month, but he knew the death of his last best friend was extremely hard on him. Harry knew things would be alright later on, but he had a sinking feeling about this meeting. Remus had been trying so hard to move on, but Harry knew he couldn't have done more 'moving on' than Harry had. Well, there was nothing to be done worrying about it. Harry would just have to try and support both men until they got though this and could get back to normal. Right, when have things ever been 'normal'?
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A/N: Ok, strange place to stop, but I really want to post something tonight, and my mind has turned to mush in the last hour, so it's this or nothing for a while. I have two huge exams next week, so I'm not sure when the next post will be. Please review, and thanks to all those who have already! I smile and blush and make an idiot of myself in public computer labs when I check my mail! :) I love it!