Disclaimer: chapter one
Caution: chapter three. (I hate repeating myself in case you didn't notice.)
A/N: Please read! There has been some mention of not liking Harry's self-harm habits. First, that's good. No one should really like it. Second, I really believe that with everything Harry's been through before he's even sixteen, he's bound to have some sort of problems. One such problem is self-harm. It is one that I know about and have experience with, so it is what I am writing about. (Versus, say drug abuse for example.) So, those are my reasons for including it in the story. That's all!
Thank you to all reviewers!
hermionegreen: I'm sorry you don't like Harry hurting himself, and I promise it will get better. Read the explanation above for my reasons of putting it in the story.
noraseyes: Thanks for the tip on the anonymous reviews thing! I was wondering why I only got signed ones. Didn't even think about looking in the settings. : )
Danalas the Lady Chaos: I'm so sorry I missed the shirtless Sirius scene! I'll try to keep it in mind later on… this is going to make me think… : )
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Chapter 4:
Professor Dumbledore went first after a lengthy discussion with Mrs. Figg to explain the situation. The plan was to give Dumbledore about fifteen minutes with Remus, then Harry and Sirius would go though.
As they waited Sirius kept shooting worried looks at Harry, or more specifically, at Harry's arm where the cut was. How can he see through me when he barely knows me? Harry wondered. Oh well, as long as he only suspects, but doesn't know, I'll be fine. Just have to be more careful around him. How was I so stupid today? Of course he noticed after that! If I just act happy that he's back, it'll be fine. I am glad he's back. I know I am. I just can't feel it, yet.
Harry was watching the cage holding Wormtail. Dumbledore 'reinforced' it with powerful locking charms, not to mention the fact he put the rat into an enchanted sleep, from which only Dumbledore had the power to wake him. And just in case, Mrs. Figg had a frying pan in her hand. Moody was to come and get Wormtail shortly. Harry and Sirius silently agreed to wait for him before leaving. They weren't about to leave a squib to deal with the rat-turned-death eater.
When Moody arrived less than ten minutes later, he looked more than a little suspicious at Black. Dumbledore had told him to just trust him on this one and that he'd never knowingly place Harry or Mrs. Figg in danger. He'd said explanations could wait, but capturing a Death Eater couldn't.
"Potter, Mrs. Figg," Moody greeted, "You got some piece of vermin for me?"
"Yes, sir. Profes-er Mr. Moody, are you going to find out how and why he was in my uncle's house?" asked Harry timidly.
"Of course. What did you think we were gonna do?"
"Well, I figure that, but I guess I'm really wondering if you'll tell me the details. I'd really like to know what's going on with Voldemort and the Death Eaters, otherwise I can't be prepared for what they're planning, sir."
Moody gave what he considered a smile and said, "Glad you're keeping on your toes, Potter. Be sure to keep and eye on that one until we know more," Moody said gruffly looking at Sirius with his magic eye.
"You, Mr. Black," he said the name in disbelief, "You'd better be who you say you are, or I'd be wanting to be anyone else when Albus is done with you." With that, he gathered the cage and flooed to the Ministry, which had taken a large number of Dumbledore's suggestions after admitting that Voldemort was indeed back.
After Moody left, Harry went through the fire to Remus's with Sirius right behind him. They came out in a small room, neat and cozy, but scarcely furnished. Dumbledore conjured chairs for Sirius and Harry. Harry clambered off the floor where he'd landed and into the comfortable chair.
To say Remus didn't look well would be about as accurate as saying Voldemort wasn't a very nice guy. With the moon so close and the combination of still grieving for Sirius and finding out he's back, the werewolf was paler than Harry had ever seen anyone. He looked up at Sirius and put his head back down in his hands. He looked like he might be sick. The room was silent and still asss in the hours before dawn.
Abruptly, Remus rose and sat next to Sirius, holding him and sobbing tears of joy. Few words could be understood, but Harry picked out a sentence, "If you leave me a third time, I'm coming after you."
When they finally release, both men were teary-eyed, but had huge, almost stupid-looking, grins on their faces. Harry had a small smile on his face, but it was difficult to hold it there. Why can't I feel like that? They're so happy. I know I should be too. Why can't I feel it? I need to – No! I can't do that around Sirius. He's already suspicious. I shouldn't want to do it around him. I never thought I'd do anything around him again. He died. But he didn't. What am I doing? Why can't I feel that kind of joy? He was looking longingly at the two men. Harry unconsciously grabbed his arm where the cut and burn were. He squeezed slightly and sighed with relief when he was able to feel the pain. He caught Sirius looking at him in concern and flashed him a fake smile to show that he was fine. Sirius didn't look like he bought it, but Remus conjured a pot of tea and some cakes. Harry was thankful for the distraction.
Dumbledore only stayed for a few minutes, needing to get back to the Ministry and question Pettigrew.
When they were finished, Sirius and Remus took the empty dishes back to the kitchen. While they were in there, Harry had a battle raging in his mind. Why can't I just feel happy about this?
Another voice answered, Because if you feel happy he'll take it away again. You know he will.
But I want to feel it anyway. All I've wanted since Sirius died was for him to come back, and here he is!
Ah, but you cause his death. You don't deserve to be happy. You are responsible for too many deaths to be allowed happiness, Harry Potter. You know I'm right. If you were never born, James and Lily would be alive, Cedric would be, and Sirius wouldn't have had fourteen years of hell before you killed him.
Shut up.
You can't quiet me, Potter; you know I'm right.
Go away!
"GO AWAY!" he shouted out loud.
His thoughts were interrupted by the return of Sirius and Remus. Harry lifted his head out of his hands when the conversation was directed at him.
"Harry? Harry! Oh, Harry. Are you alright? I'm so sorry. This is all too much. How are you doing with all of this? Honestly?" asked Remus in soft, soothing tones.
"Me? I'm fine. I'm thrilled! Sirius is alive. Why? What do you think I should feel?" Harry asked with genuine curiosity.
"Well, happy, yess, but confused and overwhelmed as well. Disbelieving maybe? Anything you're feeling is ok. Relly, and you cant tell us anything you want to. You know that, right?"
"Yeah, I guess…" What if I'm not feeling anything? That doesn't happen to normal people. They would be disgusted with me if they knew I didn't have feelings. "Erm… I need to go. Remus, where's your bathroom?" Harry asked politely.
"Through there, first door on the left. Are you sure you're ok? You were yelling when we came in."
"Of course I'm ok. I'm always ok. I just had too much tea and need to use the bathroom," replied Harry as he got up and walked toward the hall. He stopped and flinched when Sirius grabbed his upper arm.
"Harry, wait. I need to ask you something. Will you promise not to hurt yourself again, today? Please?" Sirius's eyes were pleading along with his words. Harry couldn't hold his gaze. For the first time since he started his habitual release of blood that calmed him so and reminded him that he was human, Harry wondered if it was really the best way to deal with everything. He didn't know what to do. He tried to pull out of Sirius's grip, but Sirius wouldn't let him go.
"Let go," Harry said quietly.
"Harry, let Remus fix up your arm. He's had more practice with healing charms in the last fifteen years than I have." Harry's eyes darted around wildly, and he seemed to shrink into himself against the wall. Sirius saw this and spoke at a normal volume. "Remus knows. I had to tell him, Harry. I think he can help you. We both can. I know you don't think we can, but we've had experience with this kind of thing. We may not understand your reasons, but we understand the need you feel to hurt yourself. Harry, are you listening to me?"
"Yeah… I gotta go." Harry broke free from Sirius's grip, ran to the bathroom, and locked himself in. Thoughts raced through Harry's mind, then all left at once, and Harry lay down on the tile floor. It was cold. That was all he knew at the moment. Cold. An indeterminable amount of time later, there was soft knocking on the door. E ignored it. It got louder. He still ignored it. He heard the lock click as someone uttered a spell outside. He curled up on his side with his back to the two men.
"Harry! Harry? Oh, shit, Harry, are you ok?" Sirius asked kneeling over Harry.
"I'm fine. I didn't hurt myself if that's what you mean. Now, go away, please."
"Thank you for not hurting yourself, but I'm not going to go away. You need help. I want to help you. I'm here. I know I left you and you thought I died, but I'm here now, and I care about you. I don't want to see you hurt. Please let me help. If you don't want to talk to me right now, that's ok. But please talk to someone soon, alright? I don't want to lose you when we've just known each other for a short time. I'm so close to being free and we can live together…"
"You won't lose me. I'm not that selfish, despite what certain people think. I've got everything under control, ok? You just don't understand." The last sentence was spoken so softly the two men almost missed it.
"Harry, it wasn't under control this morning. You passed out and almost fell down the stairs, for Merlin's sake!"
"It was fine. It was just a little deeper than usual and I was a bit distracted by my dead godfather walking around the house. I would have lived, even if you weren't there. It really wasn't that bad. Besides, didn't you hear? I'm the boy-who-can't-die-unless-Voldemort-murders-me."
"Harry…"
"Padfoot, come on. You're pushing too much, again," said Remus quietly from the door.
Sirius quickly backed up and looked at Remus, who nodded. Sirius turned back tot eh lump-named-Harry and said, "I'm sorry, Harry. I didn't mean to push. I know this will take time. I'll try to back off for a while, if you try not to hurt yourself. I just want you to understand that I won't judge you or think less of you if you ever have anything to tell me. Neither will Moony. Ok?"
"Sure." Sirius and Remus left after clarifying they'd be back in a little while if Harry didn't come out before lunch. They still hadn't healed his burn and cut from that morning, so Harry spent a few minutes studying the neat line running on his forearm to the elbow, almost touching the place where Wormtail stole his blood for Voldemort's resurrection. There was a little scar there that Harry knew would never go away. He washed everything carefully until he was just scrubbing the cut. He scrubbed hard enough for a tiny amount of blood to trickle out, then wiped everything clean again.
He walked into the living room with almost a smile on his face. He sat next to Remus and held out his arm and said, "Sirius says you're great with healing charms, and eh hasn't practiced for about fifteen years."
"Well, I don't know about 'great', but good enough for this, although, it may be tender for a day or so." Harry just nodded in response.
When Remus was finished Harry asked, "What did you mean by 'again'?"
"When? Can you clarify some?" Remus asked professor-like.
"In the bathroom. You said Sirius was pushing too much 'again'. When was the first time?"
"Oh, right, that…" Remus seemed to close up and sliip into his own world of thoughts.
Sirius came over and shook his shoulder gently, "Moony? It's alright if you don't want to talk about it, but can I give Harry a general idea of what happened?"
Remus shook his head, "No, I'll tell him." Remus conjured some more tea and took a sip before continuing, "I can't tell you everything right now… it's just too close to the full moon. I tend to lose control of my emotions around this time and I haven't thought about certain things for a very long time. Alright?" Harry simply nodded.
"I used to hurt myself too, Harry. You've probably guess that much by now. I did it for years, mostly cutting, as you did this morning. When my friends found out they tried to help, of course. Only, I didn't want their help. I'd been doing it for longer than I had known them. In a way it was the only thing I could count on before having friends, and I didn't want to stop. Needless to say, it was quite difficult to stop. It wasn't just an overnight change. It took Sirius and James a few months to convince me that it wasn't a good thing to do, then another year before I could completely resist the urges. The need never really went away until… well, I don't want to embarrass you, but until you were born. I used to sit with you for hours and tell you everything I needed to get out, without really wanting people to know. They found out though, because your room was charmed so they could hear if you cried. Anyway, eventually, the need went away. I never thought it would. At first I didn't want it to. I want to help you, Harry. You might not think you need help, but you do. And the thing about pushing too much was because Sirius can get… overzealous at times when he tries to help. He means well, but you know him. So, now you know some of my sordid past," he smirked. "I'm done with the past for now. I feel like a nap. Feel free to help yourself to anything in the kitchen or to wake me up if you need anything."
Remus left the room, Harry presumed for his bedroom. Harry was thinking about what Remus had just told him and how difficult it must have been for him to tell even that much. Harry wanted to know more. He wanted to know why. What could push a man as calm and collected as Remus to need to do something like that? And when he was so young? Harry decided to ask him more about it after the full moon, if he would be there.
"Sirius, am I going back to the Dursleys now or staying here? Professor Dumbledore didn't say anything about that."
"I think you should stay here. We can keep you safe, and I'd like to spend some time with you. I just hope Albus doesn't say we have to go to headquarters. I can't stand that place." Sirius shuddered at the memory of his old home.
"I don't want to go back there either. Would they send someone to prison for murdering a house elf? Because I don't think I could be responsible for my actions if Kreacher was around." Thinking of the house elf who lied and helped Harry lead Sirius to his death made Harry slightly nauseas.
"You alright, Harry? You look a little peaky."
"Yeah, fine. Just a little nauseas… happens whenever I think about what happened that night."
Sirius didn't say anything but enveloped his godson in a hug and didn't let go before Harry had fallen asleep.
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A/N: I'm not sure when the next chapter will be, but probably no earlier than a week. Depending on my schedule, could be close to two weeks. If it's more than two, email me and badger me to update! : )