Disclaimer: I don't own it… yet. I'll share my secret plan with you. I'm going to offer JKR $2.79 (the change on my desk) for a charm. I'm thinking, maybe I can buy the HP world a little at a time. For my first piece, I'd like Wingardium Leviosa. Come on, it's a first year charm. It can't be that valuable, although it would be very useful. Well, if I ever figure out how to contact her with my offer, I'll let you know. I'd throw a levitation party!
A/N: So, it's been a long time, almost a month I think. Well, I've been having problems with typing. Nevermind, long story. Or, just short and stupid really. Anyhoo, on with the tale and review please!
Chapter 5:
Warm. Comfortable. Safe. This was all Harry knew in that blissful state between sleep and awakening. He heard a voice say something. His name? Did he have a name in this wonderful place of sanctuary? He didn't want to, or couldn't think at the moment. He simply rolled closer to the warmth and curled into it. A deep sound and it's accompanying vibration followed. As he drifted closer to consciousness, he realized the sound was soft chuckling of someone holding him. Wait. Holding me? No one's ever held me. Odd. It's nice though. I think I like it. I like it? I'm happy? Maybe. I'm content. How different. Must I open my eyes and leave this?
He opened his eyes to the face of his godfather looking down at him, smiling.
"Did you have a good sleep?" he asked. Harry was feeling uncomfortable now that he was aware of his surroundings. Sirius reassured him, "You're fine, Harry. I like holding you and keeping you safe. I missed out on it for too long, and so did you. I would love to let you sleep, but Moony thinks we need to eat."
Surprisingly, Harry felt hungry. "How long have I been asleep?"
"Nearly a day. It's eight in the morning. You fell asleep yesterday afternoon."
"Oh, I… thanks," Harry said looking down.
"Thanks for what? I told you, it was my pleasure to act like a mother hen. I'm glad you let me."
"No, it's not that. I-I just haven't really slept much since you… er… Thanks for whatever you did to keep the dreams away," Harry finished quietly, still looking down.
"No problem, Harry. I'm glad I could help, although I didn't do much except hold you. I haven't slept so well in a long time either. It seems we keep each other's nightmares away. Perhaps they battled in the night," Sirius smirked.
Harry snorted, "I don't think your would stand a chance. What do you dream about?" Harry asked curiously. He saw Sirius's eyes darken and his face pale slightly. "Oh crap, I'm sorry. Your nightmares are of Azkaban, aren't they. I didn't mean to bring it up. But.. er… do you think you might talk to me about it someday? When you're ready, or if you ever need to? I'll listen. I promise. Sorry if it's a stupid idea. I just want to help if you need any." He looked down again, feeling very foolish for just about everything he'd said so far in the few minutes he'd been awake.
Sirius gave him a squeeze, "Do you have any idea how good of a kid you are? Really. You've been through so much, and here you are offering to help you deranged godfather with his nightmares, of which adults shouldn't even be scared."
Harry shook his head and whispered vehemently, "If anyone isn't scared of Azkaban or dementors they're lying or evil." He paused. "Like Voldemort. He likes those things. It's horrible." Harry stared off, remembering a very disturbing vision. He began telling Sirius about it without really meaning to. "I was in his body, his mind. He was on the outskirts of some village. At least a dozen dementors that I could see, but it was night. No Death Eaters. He thought them too weak to be useful around dementors. He punished them later for it… He had a family of muggles, but the little girl must have been a witch. She was the only one who saw them as they approached her older brother." Harry gulped and was shaking violently, but he needed to finish. "They kissed the whole family, saving the little girl for last. Voldemort was happy… almost giddy. I was watching through Voldemorts' eyes. It made me feel happy. It was the only time this summer I've been happy, and it was from watching four innocent people receive the kiss. When I woke up, I didn't stop retching for the rest of the night and couldn't eat for days. While knowing I had the sensation of happiness when it happened, I kept seeing the images in my head as the scene replayed over and over. It was scattered in between memories of you falling…" Recalling this vision made Harry sick to the stomach all over again. He got up quickly and ran to the bathroom where he proceeded to throw up until there was nothing but bile left. He felt a hand on his shoulder and jumped. Turning around he found an ashen faced Sirius and concerned Remus. Harry mumbled "'M sorry," before rinsing his mouth in the sink.
He didn't realize he'd said so much until he became sick, and now he felt awful that he'd said so much to his godfather. He shouldn't have said anything about dementors around him. He felt the need to cut, and bleed out the blood of Voldemort's rebirth, stronger than it had been in some time. Cutting had become an all encompassing form of therapy for Harry. Lately, it had been mainly for the pain to remind him he was still alive, still human, still a part of reality. However, sometimes (they way it started) it was to drain out the guilt and dirtiness he felt at being the reason Voldemort had risen. Now was the latter; the overwhelming desire to rid himself of the substance that had given life to that monster. He wanted Sirius and Remus to leave so he could let it out.
"Can you go, now? I'm ok, just want a shower if that's alright," Harry said seated on the edge of the tub, shaking somewhat.
"Yeah, we can go if you're sure you're alright. And, Harry, if there's anything else you want to talk about, I'm always here to listen, as well as Remus. You shouldn't keep your visions to yourself. Ok? We'll be right out there." Sirius turned and followed Remus back to the living room.
Harry closed the door and quickly began digging through drawers, looking for a blade of some kind so he could get some relief. He turned the water on in the shower after his search failed to discover anything sharper than a toothbrush. He climbed in and allowed the water to rush over him for a long time. He was trying to figure out how to release some of the disgust at what his own blood could do. The easy solution was to just let it bleed out; that always made him feel clean afterwards. He was desperate for a way to achieve this. The guilt and shame from all that had happened was over loading his mind and he had no way of releasing it. He sat on the floor of the tub with his arms locked around his knees, which were drawn up to his chest, and tried desperately to clear his mind. This proved difficult as images of the deaths of countless people played through his mind, and he was certain that they were all his fault. Because of his blood. Because he let him come back.
He sat, unseeing and unhearing, until the water ran cold. Then he merely let out an almost imperceptible sigh and continued sitting under the icy water. He barely registered the water being turned off and being lifted out of the tub. There was a sudden rush of heat around him, and he came out of his daze enough to notice Sirius drying him and setting him on the couch. He curled up again and refused to meet his godfather's eyes. A blanket was tucked around him, and Remus gave him a cup of tea. He was instructed to drink, so he did. Soon a warmth spread throughout his body and a calmness overcame the residuals of panic in his mind.
"Thank you," he whispered. Embarrassed, he looked up at the two men and gave a small laugh at Sirius, "you look like a wet dog come in from the rain."
Sirius looked down at his very wet shirt and Remus laughed at his best friend.
Remus spoke through his laughter, "Go ahead and take it off, Padfoot. It could use a good washing anyway. I'll find you something to wear in a bit."
Sirius thanked him and took off his sopping shirt. There were several thin white scars on Sirius's chest and back, though they didn't detract from his toned but thin body. Harry wondered where he'd gotten them, but didn't want to intrude by asking. After all, it may have happened in Azkaban, and Harry had definitely brought up enough memories of that place for one day.
Remus continued speaking, "Harry? Do you want to talk about what happened? I understand you were remembering a particularly horrible vision. Can I ask you something and you promise to answer truthfully?"
"I-I guess. I'll try… What is it?" even with whatever calming solution was in the tea, Harry was feeling nervous.
"Do you understand that whatever you see happening in those vision is not your fault? That you are in no way responsible for what an evil crazed wizard like Voldemort does?" Remus was holding Harry's eyes with his own.
Harry looked down when he answered, "Sure… Yeah, of course I know that…"
"That's good, Harry, because if he hadn't used your blood to regain his body, he would have used someone else's. Would you blame someone else if they ad been kidnapped and had their blood stolen for the same purpose?"
"No, it's not – oh…" Could Harry believe what he was being told? Was it possible that it really wasn't his fault? No. He'd let Peter go. No one else had done that. "Don't you see, Remus? I let Peter go. I let him bring Voldemort back. Now, I see what I've done through my visions. I know what he does isn't my fault, but he's back because of me."
"He was gone for fourteen years because of you!" Sirius exclaimed.
"No! That was my mother. I did nothing. Now, my blood, my mothers blood, is flowing through his veins!" Very quietly he said to himself, "If I could just get it out of me it would all be better."
Remus grasped Harry's hands and looked him in the eye, "Don't let him win like this, Harry. He may not be here, but he's beginning to win. He's killing you from the inside out. Do you see that? Every time you hurt yourself, you're giving him a little more power. I can't imagine how terrible the visions are, not to mention his false ones, but please, if they become too much, come to us. You mean everything to us." Harry had never heard his ex-professor speak with such emotion. Harry put his head in his hands and sighed. He didn't know what was happening. His whole world was being flipped around and he had no control. When he cut he was always in control of that situation. The length, the depth, how long he let it bleed. It was all under his control like so little else in his life. He was broken out of his thoughts by Sirius.
"What do you mean 'false' visions?" he asked Remus.
"Harry?" Remus looked to him for permission to tell, and Harry nodded. "Well, you already know that was how Voldemort lured Harry to the Ministry. The details don't matter so much, and I guess I don't know everything, but that's for Harry to tell if he ever wishes to. After that night, Voldemort began feeding him other visions. I only know that Albus began sending Harry letters twice a day saying that no one had been captured. Harry, would you like to tell us anything about these visions?"
"No," came the muffled reply. He raised his head slightly, still looking at the floor. "Yeah, I'll tell you a little." He paused a long time, unsure of what to say. Would they be upset that he wasn't very good at Occlumency yet? Maybe he should explain that first. "Well, after you, er, died, I couldn't really concentrate much. So, I couldn't do Occlumency like I was supposed to. Still can't for that matter. Hey, maybe it'll get easier now that you're not dead," Harry mused. What a weird thought. He shook his head and continued, "Anyway, he created all kinds of different scenes for me to witness. The first was Hermione. He had her and was torturing her. He made sure I knew where he was. It was just at the end of the road in Hogsmeade. It didn't really click with me that that would be a stupid place for him to torture someone, out in the open as it was. He used the Cruciatus on her… then…"
Harry gazed into the wood floorboards, seeming to get sucked into a particular knot. He shook himself and spoke again, "I woke up, my scar burning terribly, and rushed out of bed to do something. I didn't have the foggiest idea how I would get to Hogsmeade in time, but decided that my broom would be the best way. The pain in my scar lessened somewhat and for some reason I finally realized that it was probably a trap, like you had been, Sirius. So, I ran to the telephone; Hermione had given me her number back in second year. I didn't care that I wasn't supposed to use the phone or that it was three in the morning. I called her and probably scared the snot out of her, but she answered. I was so glad she was there and not being tortured. I owled Dumbledore right away and told him about it and requested owls every morning and evening saying who, if anyone, was captured. Er… that's about it. Not the only vision, but the reason for the letters. Other visions were similar. I was eventually able to block those out most of the time, but for some reason I still can't block out what really happens."
"Well, I'm glad you're able to get rid of some of it anyway," said Sirius.
"Harry, if it's not too painful, could I ask what you saw happening to me?" asked Remus. He knew Harry had had a vision with him in it, because he'd received a hurried letter one day telling him to reply as soon as he could. This was soon after Dumbledore's letters began and Harry didn't know if they were quite accurate.
Harry felt tears begin to well up in his eyes. He hadn't cried much in the last month, or in his life for that matter, but the thought of losing Remus just after Sirius was too much for the young boy.
"Yeah. It was Voldemort and you and Wormtail… After some Crucio's from Voldemort, he set Wormtail to start –" Harry stopped, choking on a lump in his throat.
"What could Wormtail do worse than Voldemort?" prompted Sirius.
Harry cleared his throat, "His hand. The one Voldemort gave him is pure silver. He – I've never seen him torture anyone else like that. I-I had to go. I left my house and got a block and a half away when one of the Order guards caught me. They contacted Remus and told me he was ok, but I had to know. I sent Hedwig off and told her to go as fast as possible there and back with a reply. She was quick. It only took her a couple hours. She must have woken you up early, huh?"
Remus looked sickened and something else that Harry couldn't describe. Heartbroken for the young boy for whom he so cared? "Yeah, but I could tell it was urgent. I didn't mind. I never mind."
"Thanks, and I'm sorry I reacted so badly even after Kingsley told me you were ok. I was just really shaken I think."
Sirius and Remus each leaned in for a hug and Harry was speechless at the feeling of family coming from the two men. He savored the feeling and didn't want it to end. Then his stomach growled and the three chuckled, still a little teary-eyed.
Remus fixed a delicious breakfast of eggs, bacon, ham, pumpkin juice, and muffins, and the three sat down to a quiet meal.
As the three were clearing the table and cleaning the kitchen, there was a knock at the door. Sirius immediately changed into Padfoot and Remus went to the front door. It occurred to Harry that he hadn't seen the outside of Remus's house, but he lost his train of thought as Dumbledore came in the room.
"Sirius, please achange back to your usual form and accompany me to the Ministry," he said with his eyes twinkling.
The man returned where a dog had been and asked, "They will free me? They've questioned Wormtail and believe I'm innocent?" His voice was laced with disbelief.
"Yes, Sirius. You will be free by lunch. They done nothing but check and recheck Peter's story and identity for the past twenty-four hours. Minister Fudge," the word Minister was said with a hint of sarcasm, as Dumbledore had been basically running things for the past month at the request of said minister, "has requested testimony in the form of a pensieve from Harry. I have managed to dissuade him of this position, but Harry's presence is still required for custody matters."
Harry's knees seemed weak at the thought of living with his free godfather. He sank into a chair and let out a long sigh. He wondered if there would be reporters there. It wouldn't matter if they didn't twist things, but Harry knew too well the press. Oh well, better things to think about right now. He realized, with a hint of embarrassment, that Sirius, Remus, and Dumbledore were all trying to get his attention.
"Harry, you feeling alright? Are you up for this, today?" Sirius asked as Harry lifted his head out of his hands. When did I put my head there? he asked himself.
"Sirius, you'll be free. I'll live with you. I'll have a family!" Harry grinned. Somewhere in Harry's mind he realized that he was truly happy about this. Everything will be better, now. It has to be. It already is. "Let's go."
A/N: again, yes. There should be another update either tonight or tomorrow. I have quite a bit more written, but some details are annoying me. I'm almost to the point of saying screw it and post or screw it and never post again. We'll see how things go. Posting this chapter is a good sign though. Man, I'm longwinded for such a short announcement.