Disclaimer: chapter one
A/N: I decided to label my chapters with what day it is, because I was getting confused. That's bad, considering I'm the one writing this thing. I figured if I could lose track of the days fairly easily, the readers could too. Although, I was re-reading some previous chapters and I didn't find it as confusing as when I'm actually writing future chapters. Wow, that really didn't make sense, but that's ok. I don't mind if my notes don't make sense, as long as the story does somewhat. Thank you for the reviews! Please review after you read this – good, bad, or indifferent. I just want to know if anyone is still reading this. The numbers have dropped off significantly, and I want to know if there are people out there still reading. Otherwise, I'll not waste the time of typing and leave it as a hand-written story in my notebook. Hope the chapter's ok…
Chapter 7: August 1st and 2nd
Dumbledore looked at Harry thoughtfully before speaking.
"You are very perceptive, young Mr. Potter. In fact, I have some more information on the miracle of Sirius Black," he smiled at said miracle-man. "Mr. Pettigrew seemed to know some, but not much, about it. It would appear that Bellatrix hit you, not with a stunning curse as was thought, but with some sort of relocation curse developed by Voldemort. Apparently, you were to look dead, but then would be used by the Death Eaters for various dark plans. Obviously, something interfered with those plans. This is the real puzzle. Only very powerful magic could stop you from going to a Death Eater base on that day, and make you show up on Privet Drive on July thirty-first. I do have a theory, however. Mr. Potter, have you heard the muggle saying about not telling wishes, lest they don't come true?" Harry nodded, starting to understand where this was going, but not believing it. "It is not true, especially if that wish has already been fulfilled. Would you like to tell us anything about your recent birthday?" The old man's eyes were twinkling like mad, and Harry knew that he had already guess his birthday wish.
Harry wondered for a moment if Dumbledore had always been omniscient or if it came with age, before he answered. "Er, on my birthday, Hermione sent me birthday candles to make a wish, because I never had before. I wished that Sirius was alive and free. That was around two in the morning on my birthday. I woke up and went to make breakfast – that's when Wormtail and Padfoot came in. Sir, did I – did I wish Sirius away from where and when he was supposed to be? How is that possible?"
"My dear, young Harry. I think you must have put a great deal of power behind your wish. I also think that some part of Sirius must have grazed the veil, which would not have killed him, but made it apparent that he had passed beyond. Unfortunately, Mr. Pettigrew lacked much knowledge of the spell and plans for you, Sirius. Although, he did say something about polyjuice potion and Mr. Potter's state of mind," Dumbledore had a sad look on his face from this information. Harry knew they thought he'd had delusional episodes in the past month, and at least part of Voldemort's plan to drive him mad was already beginning to work. If, indeed, that was his plan. Harry never voiced his opinions about his sanity, but he knew that he probably didn't have far to go before he completely lost grip on reality. The occurrence with Fred that day was further proof of this. Harry also knew he had to fight for his mind so he could, one day, defeat Voldemort. With Sirius back and Lupin's help, he began to think things might turn out alright, eventually. He only hoped he wouldn't be a bother in the meantime. He decided that he needed to keep to himself anything that might seem out of the ordinary. There was no need to worry them anymore.
A while after Dumbledore left, the three men decided to go to bed, as they were all quieter than usual anyway. Harry had no intentions of sleeping, however, so he stayed up reading school texts from past years, instead of subjecting himself to whatever horrors awaited in his mind this night. Unfortunately, sleep cannot be avoided indefinitely, even with the most interesting defense books.
Harry dreamt of everything that had happened that day with Sirius. He had a slight smile on his face as he slept. Naturally, dreams of Harry Potter's are never good for long. The setting changed slightly and only Harry and Remus were in Lupin's living room. Remus was upset. A few moments later Harry could make out the words.
"… have to stop doing this, Harry! He's gone!"
"What are you talking about? We went to the Ministry. He's free and alive!"
"STOP! Look, Harry, I didn't mind taking you in for a while to grieve and get better, but I can't have you here if you continue to make up things like this. Do you know how painful it is for you to say that he's alive? Sirius is gone. You need to accept that. If you can't, then I'm sorry. I don't have it in me to hear those things anymore."
"No. No, Remus, please,' Harry pleaded.
"I'm sorry, but it hurts too much, Harry. You have to go back to the Dursleys, and please don't make up anything else about Sirius. He's gone. You have to accept it. If you ever need to talk after you've accepted that fact, I'll be here. But for now, you have to go."
"Remus! No, please, Remus! I'm sorry!"
"Harry!"
"I won't say anything about him. I promise!"
"Harry!"
"Don't kick me out, please. I'll be good."
"Harry!" The boy woke to someone shaking his shoulders and calling his name.
Harry scrambled away from the voice and curled up even more into himself, muttering, "I'm sorry Uncle Vernon. I didn't mean to wake you. I'm sorry."
"Harry, it's Remus. You were having a nightmare. I'm here, and I'm not kicking you out," said Remus comfortingly, while stroking the black locks of Harry's head. Harry uncurled and looked up at Remus. Behind Remus, Harry saw Sirius looking concerned, but he didn't approach. Harry avoided looking at him as much as possible.
He was now thoroughly confused as to which, if any, parts of the dream were real. The memories of the day seemed so clear, but the argument did also. Sirius was trying to get his attention, but he ignored his godfather, not knowing what to think. What was real? Was Sirius real? Would he be taken away again? What was Harry supposed to do? Remus would kick him out if Sirius wasn't real, but here the man was, standing in his room. He suddenly found himself wanting a chance to cut, to bleed, to feel something he knew to be grounded in reality. He decided he needed to ask some questions first, and assure them that he was ok, before they would go and he would be free to do what he needed to do.
"R-Remus, did Professor Dumbledore stop by today? Did we go anywhere with him?" He looked only at Remus, not even glancing at Sirius, in case he wasn't real, and Harry didn't want to make Remus angry. Remus, however, shot a worried glance at Sirius before he spoke.
"Yes, Harry. We went to the Ministry, and they cleared Sirius of everything. Then we went to Diagon Alley, then came back here. Professor Dumbledore came and told us his theory of why Sirius is alive. Is there anything else? Do you remember any of this?"
Harry exhaled in relief; Sirius was real. "Yeah, I remember. I just had a bad dream. Sorry to disturb you," Harry looked down at his hands in shame for waking them.
"Why did you think I would kick you out?" Remus asked.
"We had an argument. You said you couldn't listen to me say Sirius was alive anymore. You were sending me back to the Dursleys," Harry reported meekly.
Harry was engulfed in a hug from both sides of his bed. "I really am sorry I disturbed your sleep. You need it tonight."
"Nonsense, we used to pull all-nighters all the time. It's no trouble at all. Do you want to try going back to sleep? One or both of us could stay, if you like?" Remus offered.
Harry felt very silly about his nightmare now and didn't want to be any more nuisance that he was already. "No, I'm alright. Please go back to bed. I feel like a child." He gave them a smile to show he was alright. It didn't work.
"Harry, it's ok to have a bad dream, and it's ok to want comfort afterwards," explained Remus gently. Sirius, oddly quiet, nodded in agreement.
"Sorry, I'm just not used to it. I'll be ok, though. Really. In fact, I'm pretty tired and want to go back to sleep now. Thanks for waking me and everything… I'll see you in the morning."
Remus and Sirius glanced at each other and headed for the door saying goodnight. They also assured Harry that he could wake them anytime if he needed anything. Harry was grateful, but knew he wouldn't really wake them; he felt too bad disturbing them.
They came back a few minutes later, Remus carrying a book of some kind. He handed it to Harry and sat on the edge of the bed to explain.
"I wanted to give this to you for your birthday when you were to come visit, but it slipped my mind with everything that's happened. This is a journal. It's magical, but you can use it during the summer, because it doesn't require you to use magic. Does that make sense?" Remus asked.
"Yes… how does it work?" Harry was reminded immediately of Tom Riddle's diary and everything that had ensued from using that.
"Well, first we need to key it to you, specifically. You will give it a password, so that you are the only one who can read what you've written. If anyone else opens it, they will see blank pages. It's actually very simple, but the first use requires a spell, which is why I didn't just send it to you. I'll say the incantation while you write your name and password on the first page. That's all there is to it. After that, you just write the password and all of your previous entries appear. Are you ready?" Harry nodded, and Remus spoke, "Signumus."
Harry wrote his name and the word 'someday' on the first page of the journal. The ink disappeared into the page and other words appeared.
Welcome, Harry Potter. I am your journal and will serve only you as long as I exist.
Harry smiled and looked back up at Remus, "Thank you."
"Your welcome, Harry. I thought you could use a place to let out some thoughts if you're not up for talking all the time. But, I do want to emphasize that Sirius and I are always available and love to talk to you. About anything."
"That's right, Harry. Anytime and anything you want to say, you can come to us," Sirius added. Harry was more reassured by the sound of his voice than the actual words he spoke.
They left, again, and Harry waited for a half hour to be sure they weren't coming back. He'd started writing in the journal about his dream and what Remus and Sirius said. He wrote in big letters 'THIS IS REAL!' He decided to add a drop of blood, so he would know for sure this was real, now and in the future, so he could look back if he needed. He took the journal and made his way, quietly to the bathroom.
He sat on the toilet and pulled out the knife he'd swiped from the kitchen earlier. He wasn't really aware of taking the knife at the time, but now he was very glad he had. He decided his wrists and forearms were too exposed to cut without anyone noticing. He looked to his upper arms, but decided on the crook of his elbow; the place from which Wormtail had stolen his blood. He carefully brought the tip of the small knife to his elbow and pressed just enough to puncture the skin. Harry smiled to himself as a small amount of blood pooled on the inside of his elbow. This was nice and controlled, not like the frenzied, erratic cutting after Sirius first showed up at the Dursleys. This was the comforting control that grounded him. He didn't need to be gushing to accomplish what he wanted from cutting. He only need to feel the pain of puncturing his skin and see the blood well up. That's when he knew it was all real. His visions, which were always horridly bloody never featured his own blood. Since he'd never seen his own blood spilled in visions, he'd come to rely on that as the only truth available when the visions and dreams had gotten to the point of confusing with reality. He carefully gathered a drop onto the tip of the knife and dabbed it on the parchment next to his declaration of reality. He let the small trickle of blood sooth him for a few minutes, then washed it off and held his hand over it until the bleeding stopped. The small puncture wound was barely visible, not noticeable unless looked for. With that, Harry returned to bed and had no more nightmares that night, managing to get a good five hours sleep.
A ray of sun woke him the next morning, and Harry lazily opened his eyes to see dried blood on the inside of his elbow. Damn, I shouldn't have done that. I thought I told myself to work on this? Ok, from now on you need to think before you do that. Use the journal. Maybe if you write it out you won't have to cut and make people mad if they find out. But it always works… it always solves whatever problems are there… No, it'll only hurt Sirius and Remus if they find out. Oh yeah, they already found out. But maybe they think you stopped. You'll disappoint them. They won't want to deal with you. You're supposed to be this great wizard who can destroy Voldemort. What will they say if they find out you can't handle a little jumbling in your head? Alright, I'll have to try not to so they don't get rid of me. Although, they would be safer if I went back to the Dursleys, but they said that they want me here. Aaaarrrrgggghhh… I'm so confused. I should write this down, so I don't slip up and do it again. Hmm… I wonder if it's normal to talk to yourself as 'you' and 'me'.
Harry opened his new journal and wrote another short entry below the one from last night. Then he got up and showered before going down for breakfast.
Harry was surprised to see Remus was already up and cooking breakfast when he entered the kitchen. Sirius had set the table and was watching the food cook, as if willing it to cook faster. As it was a wizard cooking, it only took a few seconds anyway, but Remus seemed to be adding a personal touch to everything in a very slow, methodical way. He was driving Sirius mad and enjoying it.
When Remus finally dished the food out, Harry felt his stomach revolt at the thought of one bite. He knew he wasn't sick, he just couldn't eat much in the morning some days, especially after staying with the Dursleys for any amount of time. This was one of those days.
Remus looked at him apologetically and asked, "You don't like waffles?"
"No, waffles are fine. I just don't feel much like eating right now. If I wait a half hour or so I will. Sometimes I need to be up and active before I can eat. I've always been that way." He didn't mention that he usually had to do a couple hours of chores, including making breakfast, before he was allowed to eat anything at the Dursleys. Even after five years at school, the short summers were enough to hone that engrained behavior each summer, and he'd been at the Dursleys a month already with the same chore/food routine.
"Why don't you go fly a bit, then? We'll keep your food warm, alright?" Sirius suggested.
Harry was more than willing to go along with this suggestion. He ran out with his broom before saying anything else.
The morning air hit him like a jet of fresh mountain water. He sailed through the crisp air, relishing in the freedom one could only find in the sky. He flew straight up until the clearing with Remus's house looked like a mere patch of grass, then dove at such a speed that tears streamed out of his squinted eyes. Harry decided this is the way everyone should start their morning. He was convinced the world would have fewer problems if everyone would go out and experience the joy of flying. Maybe Voldemort would be content if Harry sent him a broom. Harry snorted at the random and completely daft thought. In all of his swoops and dives, Harry didn't realize he had an audience. They made themselves known, however, after an especially fast, low dive, from which Harry pulled up barely in the nick of time.
"Harry!" Sirius shouted. "You're going to give us old men heart attacks!" The smiles on their faced betrayed Sirius's worrying words. Harry swooped over to them and dismounted.
"Sorry, was I out long? I think I'm ready for your magnificent waffles, Remus."
"You haven't even tried them yet. You may want to hold off on the 'magnificent'."
"Hey, I didn't cook it, but I get to eat it, it has to be good!" Harry smiled.
"Does Petunia cook that well that you think everyone else does?" Remus joked.
"I don't know, but the house elves at Hogwarts do an amazing job. So does Mrs. Weasley!" Harry was licking his lips at the thought.
"You sound like you've never tried your aunt's cooking. Does your uncle do most of the cooking, or is hers just that awful?" Sirius smirked.
"Oh, no people seem to like her food. I just haven't really had it since I was four or five. But anyway – " Harry really didn't want the conversation to go in the Dursley direction. He was in much too good a mood for that. However, Sirius seemed to want more of an explanation, and Harry knew he'd said too much already not to explain further.
"What do you mean you haven't had it since then? What did you eat?" Sirius asked, obviously trying to keep his dislike of Harry's muggle relatives quiet.
Fine, I'll explain to him if that's what he wants. "I started cooking for myself when I was little, then for the Dursleys when I was around seven. I'm going to go have breakfast now. You can have a ride on my broom if you like. It's a great way to start the morning." Harry didn't want to sound irritated, but he also didn't want to have his good mood killed by more Dursley conversation.
"Ok, I think I will," said Sirius with a smile. He had finally picked up on Harry's mood.
Remus's waffles were magnificent, indeed. He even had fresh raspberries from the garden for topping. By the time he was finished, Sirius came back in with windblown hair.
"You're right. That is definitely a good way to start the day. Oh, we had an owl before you got up. The Weasleys are at headquarters. It's safer than the Burrow. I'll probably come by tomorrow late afternoon. Moony says he doesn't need me anymore because of the potion," Sirius said in a mock pout.
"Of course Moony needs you, Padfoot. He just doesn't try to kill me with the potion, so recuperation is shorter. I'll be coming the day after tomorrow for a meeting," said Remus.
"Ok. Better than the Dursleys. Merline, I'm glad I never have to go back there," Harry commented with a shiver.
"Well, I wouldn't say never, Harry. You will have to go back again," said Sirius.
Harry's heart began to pound in his ears and his vision was unfocussed. They're sending me back. I blew it. Was it because I woke up late and they had to make breakfast? Was I supposed to clean the house? Merlin, was I supposed to do something in the yard? They didn't tell me. Should I have just known? Maybe it's the nightmares. They don't want to be woken up every night. One night was enough for them. I put them in danger. That's it. I'm not worth keeping, because of the threat. Damn. Why did I let myself think they wanted me? No one would want me around. All I am is a dangerous obligation they feel the need to protect. Until now that is…
There was a hand waving in front of his face and someone calling his name.
"Harry? Hey, kid, you alright? You spaced out for a minute. Did you hear what I said?"
"Yeah, I have to go back to the Dursley's," Harry answered in a small, hollow voice.
"You have to go back for a while next summer, for protection. You didn't hear it all, huh? I'm going to stay with Figg when you're there. We're not sending you back now. Sorry if I scared you. I didn't think about how I said that. I don't think about a lot of things I say," Sirius smiled comfortingly.
"Oh, ok. I guess I understand," said Harry, trying to get a hold of himself. He was still rather confused.
Seeing Harry's confusion, Sirius continued, "In case of any emergencies, we need to make sure we can get you there so you're safe. If not for those protections, I'd never make you go back if you didn't want to. I thought if I go to Figg's while you're there, we can still see each other, so you won't be alone."
"Thanks, but you'll just be bored on Privet Drive. You don't have to come too," Harry told him, but he really did want Sirius to be there.
"I'm going with you, kiddo, and that's the end of it. This won't happen for a year, so let's forget about it for now. Why don't you go get ready? I'm afraid you're going to have to take a portkey. The Floo network could still be monitored, and it's too far to fly from here. Will you be alright with that?"
Harry paled slightly, but nodded and said it was fine.
Throughout the day, Remus seemed to be acting quite peculiar, for him. Harry guessed if you didn't know him, he'd seem like any other normal person, but there were small changes noticeable by those who spent a little more time with the quiet man. He seemed exhausted and high-strung at the same time. He would sit in silence, then chatter aimlessly with Sirius, who seemed to take all of the mood changes in stride, and would adapt quickly to each change. Harry spent his time trying to stay out of the way, not wanting to irritate the man on the worst day of the month for him. He didn't, however, just ignore Remus. He was glad to talk or play wizard's chess when the werewolf desired, and brought him tea when he just wanted to sit in peace. Sirius had told Harry that Remus always made a large breakfast on the day of the full moon, if he could, to give him something to do before others awoke, as the sunrise was especially opposing to sleep on those days.
Around four in the afternoon, Fawkes flashed in, dropped a parcel, and vanished again in a flame. Harry picked it up and read the note on the outside of the package, telling him it was his portkey from Dumbledore. He said goodbye to Sirius and Remus before opening the package to find a completely still replica of a snitch. Harry smiled despite his nervousness.
As he grasped the snitch, he felt the tug behind his navel, and his heart rate sped up. He forced himself to calm down as he fell to the floor of the kitchen in number twelve Grimmauld Place. There were no dead people, no Death Eaters, no Dark Mark, and no Voldemort – all in all a good trip so far.
He was helped up by a smiling Mrs. Weasley and immediately pulled into a tight hug. Harry was still a little uncomfortable with the gesture, but he was no longer surprised when it happened, even if he didn't expect it. In no time he was bombarded by red-heads and led to a chair for tea. Harry smiled to himself as the others sat around him, all eagerly awaiting news about Sirius. Even the twins were there, who already knew some of the story and had no doubt filled in the rest of the Weasleys. Harry took a sip of tea and prepared for a long afternoon of questions.
A/N: I'm not sure if this was a good stopping point or not, but it's where I decided to end for today. I don't know if that made any sense at all.
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