Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Harry Potter, other than a set of battered books. I just like to torture the poor characters… I really do feel sorry for them, but I don't think I'm as mean as some other authors I've read. :)
A/N: Ok, so this chapter took a while and got a little out of control… Not my fault. More things kept wanting to pop in. Actually, I had to cut this in half from what it was planned to be, because this part got a little too long, and I am slow at typing and editing. I'm not sure if I really edited all of it either. I kept doing chunks. Not in order, mind you, just randomly. So, some chunks got edited multiple times, while others may have been ignored. Sorry if there's lots of badness. :) My fingers tend to type what they want, not necessarily what I want. Such as, "that" instead of "than" or "don't" instead of "done." Things like that are common, as you've probably noticed from previous chapters. I'm rambling, sorry.
I wanted to respond to some reviewers, but I think I'm just going to post, since it's been about a month or so…
Chapter 10: August 5th – 9th
Harry may have fallen asleep instantly that night, but his sleep was restless. He would sleep about an hour at a time, then wake up for a few minutes. This cycle lasted until he could see the gray shades of the room lightening somewhat. He was dead tired, but knew he really wasn't getting any sleep, so he decided to write in his journal.
Hi again, Journal. Guess what – I have a new fun way for Voldemort to hurt me. He curses people while I have visions, and I get to feel it too! Happy happy, joy joy. In case you couldn't tell, I'm being slightly sarcastic. Great, now I'm talking, no writing to a Journal like it's a person. I'm getting off track. So, I get to feel everything he does in my visions. I wonder if this is because he's bad that I can block him out. Does he know I can feel everything? Or did he just want the connection stronger so I would see more? I'm not sure. I know I can still block him, somewhat, because I did on the train two days ago, and that was after I was hit with a spell in Diagon Alley. I'm fairly sure that's what has cause this change. Of course, I was too oblivious to realize the spell for what it was. Even when I'm not being a complete idiot about things, I'm still worthless. Why didn't I stop and tell someone what I felt? How did I just blow it off as nothing? I don't know, Journal. Maybe I should give you a name. It feels odd addressing a Journal… Oh well, I'll think about it later. I just want to know how I'm supposed to stop Voldemort when I didn't even notice getting hit by whatever it was.
I feel horrible about Sirius and Remus. I said some things earlier about being a weapon. I think I really hurt them. But it's true isn't it? That's what I am. It's better to be clear on that now and let them get over their attachment, than for them to suffer later. And it's better for me to accept it and stop pretending to be like everyone else. I should tell Ron and Hermione about the prophecy. I hope they can just leave me be and not try to stay close. I don't want them to get hurt. Well, it's too late for that, they were already hurt that night, but I don't want them killed. I'm the only one who needs to die. No, Journal, I didn't mean it like that; I was referring to the prophecy.
I don't' really want to die, I don't think. I have Sirius back now. But a few days ago my answer may have been different, I really can't say. But none of that matters, now. I can't change what's happened, and little of what's going to happen, so I just need to get over everything else in my life and concentrate on killing Voldemort. Fairly easy on parchment, but how do I get the random thoughts and memories out of my head? Perhaps a drill? I could get one from a competing company of Grunnings'. Oh, come on, Journal, you need a better sense of humor. Or maybe I need to realize that you're an inanimate object with no senses. Ugh, I'm getting up now I think it's around 5:30 by now. Bye, Journal. ~Harry Aug. 5th
He put away the journal and left the room. After a quick stop in the bathroom, where he diligently ignored the drawer containing razors, he proceeded down to the kitchen. Snape was at the table reading what looked like a magazine. Harry was about to leave, but like yesterday, he was noticed in the doorway. Snape didn't say anything, just nodded his head so slightly Harry thought he was imagining it, and went back to his reading. Harry retrieved himself a glass of water, gulped it down, then filled it again. He was about to leave when Snape mortioned for him to sit. He sat across from the potions master.
"Did you have another vision?" Snape asked in a 'I-couldn't-care-less' tone. It wasn't what Harry was expecting. Well, he wasn't expecting any conversation at this time in the morning, really. Harry shook his head 'no.' Snape raised an eyebrow.
"Then to what do I owe the pleasure of your company at this hour?" he asked sarcastically.
Harry tried to ignore the sarcasm and answered, "I just couldn't sleep."
"Oh? Why didn't you get a sleeping potion?" There was curiosity hidden in his snarky voice.
"I didn't really think about it, but I wouldn't have bothered someone to get one. I can deal with not sleeping. It's not like it never happens." Did I just say that? "I-I didn't mean it like that… nevermind. Why are you up?" Harry asked trying to change the subject.
If Snape noticed the blatant subject change, he didn't acknowledge it. "Someone is always up at headquarters in case of emergencies. Last night was Mrs. Weasley's turn, but I had much to think about so I volunteered." Harry knew that excuse, 'too much to think about.' He wondered if it meant the same thing for Snape. Did he have nightmares too? What a strange thought. It was hard enough for Harry to think of the man as someone who actually slept, much less dreamt in any way.
"Oh. That's good to know," Harry responded, his mind someplace else.
"Indeed. Here, Potter, drink a cup of tea and go back to bed." Snape set down a cup in front of Harry. He hadn't even noticed his professor getting up. Must be more tired than I thought.
Harry sipped the tea and was surprised by the apple cinnamon flavor. He thanked the professor and gulped down the tea once it was cool enough not to scorch his mouth. He was getting very sleepy by this point and excused himself to stumble back to bed. If Snape had said anything to him in the past few minutes, he didn't know. All he cared about was getting under the warm covers of the soft bed. His last though before completely passing out was, So much better than the Dursleys'.
He woke sometime later to giggling in the room. He turned his head and squinted blearily at two blobs next to his bed. One of them handed him his glasses.
"Hermione? Ginny? What are you two up to?" Harry asked.
"We're here to get you out of bed so you can have some supper," said Hermione in her 'it's-not-an-option' voice.
"I thought you were with your parents?"
"I was, but there is a huge dentist convention going on, so they let me come here. Now, get up, we'll see you downstairs."
Harry nodded and groggily rolled himself out of bed. Not until he reached the bathroom did the word 'supper' register in his mind. He looked out a window and saw the sun setting. Did I sleep all day? Snape! What was in that tea?!
He showered and got dressed in his ragged clothes quickly, then made his way down for breakfast, no supper, he corrected himself.
Harry walked in the kitchen looking down with a small, shy smile. "Good, er, evening everyone," he said when all eyes turned on him. He quickly sat down and gulped down a glass of water. He turned to Remus on his left and asked quietly, "What did Snape give me anyway?"
Remus smiled, "He said you were worn out, so he gave you a small dose of a mild sleeping potion. The amount he gave you should have only relaxed you if you had any energy. He told us not to wake you unless you slept until supper; you need to eat after all. Do you feel more rested now?"
"I feel like a lazy prat! I can't believe I accepted tea from Snape. I must really have been out of it. It's odd though…" Harry trailed off.
"What is?" Remus asked. Harry noticed that Sirius was listening as well.
"Well, two days in a row I've had civil conversations with Professor Snape. Do you think the world's coming to an end?" Harry joked.
"Hmm… that could be. After all, a Potter apologizing to a Snape doesn't happen often either." Harry raised his eyebrows in question. "Yes, he told Sirius and I about that. In fact, he seemed shocked that neither we nor Dumbledore had told you to do it. He asked me to inform you that your lessons will begin again in the next week."
Harry paled, "But we're not even at school yet!" he exclaimed. This got a few people's attentions, so he tried to quiet down a bit. "Besides, I can block out he unreal stuff, and I know the difference in case I can't for some reason."
"I know that, Harry, but it's different now. We need to see if there's a way to shut out the curses," said Sirius.
"Great, now Sirius is against me too," Harry mumbled.
"Hey, I'm not against you, neither is Moony, Dumbledore, or even Snape. He's a git, but if anyone can help it'll be him. Damn, there goes my life-long goal of never complimenting the man."
Harry sighed, completely ignoring his godfather's joke, "I know it's all for my own good and that stuff, but I just hate the thought of him seeing my memories, you know?"
"Yeah, I know. I wish I had learned Legilimency and Occlumency better, then I could teach you. But I never had much use for it. I wasn't a spy and didn't have much to hide."
"No offense, Sirius, but I wouldn't want you seeing
my memories either."
"Why? What happened?" Sirius asked anxiously.
"Settle down, Padfoot. All I meant was anyone browsing through your very personal, sometimes embarrassing thoughts is very disturbing."
"Oh, right," replied Sirius looking a little embarrassed for jumping to conclusions. The rest of the meal was quieter for Harry. He mostly just watched the others at the table interact and got lost in his thoughts.
Harry felt a little better knowing that Sirius wouldn't pry into his past at the moment. He was sure Sirius knew about his school years, but not many knew about his life with the Dursleys. Sure, everyone knew he didn't get along with them and that they didn't like him because of magic, but no one really knew to what extent they had affected him. No one knew about the occasional slaps, stranglings, or being tossed out of rooms – not to mention the starvation rations he received on top of endless chores.
Harry knew it was never very bad – no broken bones and the bruises healed quickly – so he didn't complain. He'd heard of children who received much worse, and he was sure it would have been so for him at an orphanage if his aunt and uncle hadn't taken him in. However, the main reason he didn't talk to anyone about it was because he wasn't sure he didn't deserve everything he received.
After all, by the time he knew Ron and Hermione well enough to feel comfortable talking about it, he'd almost gotten them killed protecting the Philosopher's [Sorcerer's] Stone. He felt terrible after that had happened. He certainly didn't like how he was treated by his relatives after his first year, but he figured it was what he should get for putting his friends in danger.
Now, it seemed that he wouldn't have to go back to the Dursleys, even though they weren't horrible anymore. They hadn't done anything to him all summer. Was that why he started hurting himself? Merlin knows he felt like he should have received some punishment for everything that happened at the end of fifth year. He felt that he truly deserved the small hurts that he was usually given by his aunt and uncle. Harry thought that these feelings may have also contributed to why he took Umbridge's detentions the previous year without comment.
Now everything had changed. No one was hurting him anymore, other than Voldemort, but that was different somehow. He knew it wasn't normal to feel the need to be punished, but he did, and the only way he knew to deal with it, on top of everything else, was to punish himself. But that was changing. Slowly, but steadily, he was beginning to realize that it wasn't ok for his aunt to ignore him. It wasn't ok for his uncle to lock him in a tiny, dark cupboard for weeks on end. It just wasn't ok for him to be treated that way when he had done nothing wrong. These realizations were just beginning to take hold in his mind, helped along by the kind words and actions of Sirius, Remus, and his friends.
Everyone started leaving the table, and Harry noticed that the evening meal was already over. He hope nobody wondered why he hadn't said anything while he stewed over his problems. After that thought, Harry felt very self-centered and decided to make conversation with his friends until bedtime.
Harry sat in an office. It had a familiar quality, though Harry knew he'd never been there before. There was a plaque on the desk which read, "Dr. Samuel Stevens." The couch he sat on was comfortable and a bit out of date with its brown fake-leather covering. He didn't know why he was there or how he'd arrived in this place. He decided just to sit and wait for something to happen. He noticed many certificates of various kinds on the walls, but he didn't pay too much attention to them. There was a coffee cup with a smiley face on it sitting on the desk. The face had red eyes and a blue mouth. Harry thought that this seemed backward, but didn't think on it too long. Other than these few things, the office was wholly unremarkable.
The door opened and a man came in with Remus behind him. Harry smiled up at them, wondering what was going on.
"Harry, this is Dr. Stevens. He's going to ask you a few questions today like we talked about," Remus explained. Harry didn't remember having any such discussion.
"Hello, Harry, how are you doing today?" asked the man.
"Fine, sir. What did you want to ask me about?" Harry asked.
The doctor smiled like one would at an over-eager child. "Ah, straight to the point, aren't you? Well, I'd like to talk to you about your godfather. Would you like to tell me about him?"
Harry was startled before he remembered that Sirius had been freed. He didn't really know where to start, though. "Well, Sirius is like family to me. He's always there for me when I need him, and he cares what actually happens to me, not just my title." The doctor took a drink of his coffee as he jotted down some notes. "He was best friends with my parents when they were alive, and still is with Remus. He likes to goof off a bit, but I think all the time he spent in prison made him lose a bit of his mischief. Er, what else do you want to know?"
The doctor finished writing a few more notes and asked, "Harry, do you remember what happened in June?"
Harry looked down and spoke in a whisper. "Yes. I was tricked by Voldemort and almost got my friends killed. We thought Sirius had died, but he didn't. Somehow, he didn't really go through the veil. It was… horrible and all my fault."
Taking another drink of his coffee, the doctor spoke again. "Yes, Harry, it was your fault. You endangered many people that night. But you must understand that Sirius Black died that night. He went through the veil. You have to start accepting that he's gone. That is what we will be working on from now on, alright Harry? I know how difficult this must be for you, but you must realize that your godfather is gone. Many more of your friends and family could suffer the same fate just by knowing you. You have so much pressure on yourself, but you must learn to control your feelings. I think that is enough for today. I know it was a short meeting, but it was just to get started. You will come back here three times a week until we've made some progress. Will you try, Harry?"
Harry sat in shock at hearing all of this. Sirius was alive. Harry knew it. What was happening? Harry looked at the man's face, but just as the room had no remarkable features, the man's face was completely forgettable. There were no distinguishing qualities about it whatsoever. Harry began to shake. Something didn't feel right here.
"This is wrong. I don't know what's going on here, but this is wrong. I know Sirius is alive. Why are you doing this? Remus? Why don't you believe me? You've seen him. You know he's back!" Harry was hyperventilating and the office disappeared into blackness.
He sat up in bed, covered in sweat and breathing hard. He looked around and realized he was in Grimmauld Place. He reasoned that must mean that Sirius really was alive, but he wasn't sure. He made his way up to Sirius's room and peaked in on the sleeping man.
Sirius lay there in pajama pants and sheets tangled about his feet. He had no shirt on and the blankets appeared to have slid off the bed. One arm was flung over his face, blocking the light from the sunrise coming in the window. Overall, he looked very real to Harry. The young wizard decided to go downstairs and see if anyone was talking about his godfather, just to make sure. Then, he remembered his journal and read the entry he'd made stating that Sirius was alive and free, complete with a drop of blood for authenticity. Harry trusted his words and blood and went downstairs for an early breakfast.
The next two nights followed the same theme, but got progressively worse. In one dream Harry was restrained in St. Mungo's in a small room all by himself. He learned a little of what happened by listening to the people working around him. Apparently, he had gotten violent when the sessions continued with Dr. Stevens trying to convince Harry that Sirius was dead.
The only window in the room was a tiny one in the door, which he had to stand on tip-toes to see through. His friends came once, talking amongst themselves about how sad it was that he had finally cracked under the pressure, but it wasn't really unexpected. He also heard people saying how ashamed his parents would be. The only person who ever talked directly to him was Dr. Stevens. Harry still had no idea what the exceedingly average man looked like, but he always carried a cup of coffee.
Two nights of these dreams was enough to make Harry almost look forward to Occlumency lessons. He hoped there would be a way to control these dreams as well as the visions. He found that he was doubting himself more and more when no one else was around and when he was alone with Sirius. Only when at least one other person was also talking to his godfather did he feel confident in this reality. He didn't tell anyone about the dreams or his distrust of his own mind, because he didn't know what they would do. Would they put him in St. Mungo's like in his dreams? He didn't want to know, so he said nothing about it. He just wrote in his journal everything that happened, which seemed to help somewhat.
Even with these new disturbing dreams, Harry still had visions when Voldemort was feeling strongly about something, whether angry or amused. Harry continued to feel the curses the Dark Lord cast while in these moods, and he was quickly noticing the drain on his body due to the extended exposure.
Harry was waiting in the kitchen for Snape to begin his first Occlumency lesson since the whole Penseive fiasco. Snape stepped out of the fireplace, with a grace Harry doubted he would ever possess, and nodded his head once in greeting. Harry stood, a little painfully from last night's vision, and waited for instructions. He desperately wanted to know what happened the night before, which was the planned night for the raid on Remus's house. He knew that would have to wait until later, though, and decided to concentrate on his lesson for now.
"Well, Mr. Potter, you are on time today. I'm impressed." Was that sarcasm or a compliment, wondered Harry. He didn't have long to ponder the thought before Snape walked out the door, motioning him to follow. "Come, Mr. Potter, we will be working in the study. It is the most private room we can find in this overrun house."
Harry hadn't spent much time in the study and was pretty sure no one else did either. It wasn't really any worse than the other rooms in the old Black house, but it was out of the way and fairly small. There were no windows in the room, and the two small armchairs had a musty smell that seemed to match the layer of dust well. Maybe it is a bit more dank and dungeon-like than the other rooms, thought Harry. Is that why Professor Snape chose it? Harry couldn't stop the small smirk from forming on his face. He wiped it off before Snape turned around. When the potions master looked at him, he realized just how nervous he was for this lesson. Harry really wanted to succeed in these lessons, not only for the protection of those he loved, but also because he wanted to impress Snape in some small way; he was sure it wouldn't happen in potions with an entire class present, but maybe one on one would make a difference. He was jolted back to reality by a soft command from his professor.
"Sit, Mr. Potter." Harry sat in one of the chairs, and Snape sat across from him.
"I know you've managed some progress on your own by blocking the visions being sent to you by the Dark Lord, but I do not know how you did that without further instruction. I'd like for you to tell me what you did to overcome your previous problem of clearing your mind. It may prove useful in continuing your studies." The inquiry was polite, but still definitely a command.
"Well, I wasn't getting any sleep. I knew I couldn't keep going like that or I'd end up just passing out somewhere. So, I concentrated harder. Instead of trying to completely clear my mind, which was impossible at the time, I just concentrated on one thing." Harry stopped here. He didn't want Snape to know about the cutting, and how that was the only thing that could clear his mind at the beginning. The man already thought of him as nothing, what would he think if he knew?
"What was this one thing, Mr. Potter? It seems to have solved many problems."
"Er, I was imagining water flowing over a rock," he answered. It was the closest he could come to the truth of watching his blood running over his skin.
Snape looked skeptical but said, "Very well. Shall we begin?" He didn't wait for an answer before calmly saying, "Legilimens!"
Harry was caught off guard. Even though he had gotten better, that protection only lasted a few seconds against this direct attack.
He was back in the Department of Mysteries on that awful night. He saw Sirius go through the veil again. He was screaming, "No!" at the top of his lungs, but he didn't know if that was him yelling at Snape to get out, or his memory yelling for Sirius. The sense of loss came back full force. All of the aching sadness and overwhelming emptiness settled in his chest once again. All of a sudden, the scene changed. He was being possessed by Voldemort and asking for death. The pain was unbearable, but only lasted a second before the scene changed to Remus's house. The werewolf was kicking Harry out for talking about Sirius being alive.
The spell stopped and Harry was on the ground shaking and panting for breath. He stared at a point in space and kept muttering, "Sirius. No, not Sirius. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Sirius. I failed you. I miss you, Sirius."
His world started shaking and someone yelled his name. Harry looked up dazedly to see Professor Snape in front of him.
"Potter. Potter! Fine then, Harry, listen to me. You're fine now, get up."
Harry shook his head, "No, go away. Didn't you see? I killed him, and I could kill you too. I have to leave. I have to get away from all of you. Let me go!" Harry was hysterically screaming at Snape who had grabbed his shoulders to try and calm him.
"Harry! Calm down! No one's in danger. Black's alive, don't you remember?" Harry was still panicking when he looked into Snape's face and saw confusion and a trace of concern in the older man's expression. He forced himself to calm down, which was helped along by a calming potion being shoved down his throat. After a few more moments of confusion and fear, Harry was calm enough to start breathing regularly. He attempted to get up, but Snape gently restrained him and said, "Stay here for a minute and try to relax. Do you know what happened?"
Harry nodded and whispered, almost inaudibly, "Sirius died because of me. I-I don't deserve… I shouldn't be here."
"You never listen, do you Potter? Black is alive, much as I hate to admit it." The old condensation was back, until slight worry overcame it again. "Do you know where you are and what day it is?"
"Of course! I'm in your…" Harry trailed off and looked around. He wasn't in Snape's office. He was in Grimmauld Place! How could they have put him there after what happened to Sirius? "Why am I locked in his home?" Harry asked accusingly.
Snape held Harry's face in his hands as he spoke. "Mr. Potter, I'll ask one more time for you to listen. Black did not die that night at the Ministry. He's here with everyone else. Perhaps you'd like to see him. We'll talk about some other things at our next lesson. We're done for today. Come with me." He helped the boy up and steered him out of the room. Up the stairs they went into a bedroom.
From the doorway Harry saw his godfather sitting at a desk and choked out, "Sirius?" in a strangled voice that wouldn't be out of place on a distraught five year old. He would have fallen to his knees if Snape hadn't caught him. Sirius ran over immediately and took the small, shaking boy in his arms.
"What did you do to him, Snape?" hissed Sirius in a deadly voice.
"I did nothing more than instructed, Black. He relived some memories in the lesson today. He believed you were dead. I tried to reason with him, but as you can see, he's not all that responsive at the moment. He is in no condition to continue lessons, so I brought him to you. Apparently, he has not gotten over your supposed 'death' or accepted your return as much as everyone thinks."
Sirius had calmed down somewhat and had a sad look in his eyes as he watched his trembling godson. He knew Harry was extremely confused right now, but the boy was still trying to hold back from crying. No matter the situation, Harry did not allow himself to show weakness in crying. Sirius just held him and rubbed his back, saying, "Shh, Harry. It'll be ok. I'm fine, I didn't die, and it wouldn't have been your fault if I had. In fact, it was probably your wish that brought me back to you. Calm down. I won't leave you."
Snape grabbed the other man's attention by clearing his throat and asked, "How did Lupin react to the news of your return?"
Sirius's mind was obviously elsewhere, so he answered the question without thinking about the motives behind it. "He was happy, a bit overwhelmed, but very grateful that his last real friend wasn't gone. Wait, why do you want to know?" asked Sirius accusingly as he realized who had just asked that question.
"I saw something interesting in Potter's memory. Did Lupin try to kick him out for saying that you were alive?"
"What? Remus do that? No! How can you even suggest – Oh Merlin," Sirius sighed. "I remember. Harry had a nightmare one of this first nights staying with us. He – he thought I was still dead and Remus would kick him out." Sirius tightened his arms around Harry, who was watching silently, like he wasn't even in the room.
"Before his Occlumency lessons continue, he will need to get past all of this. I cannot help him if this happens each time. I suggest you let him sleep now, and talk to him when he wakes." With that Snape swept out of the room and left the house.
Sirius gathered Harry up in his arms and carried him to his bed. After settling him into the covers, he changed into Padfoot and curled up protectively around the small boy. Between the day's stress and the calming potion, Harry fell asleep very quickly. He held one of the dog's paws in his hand as he drifted off. Thankfully, he was visited by no dreams.
His mind was in such a confused and stunned state when he was brought to Sirius's room that it took him several minutes to realize where he was when he woke up. He felt warmth behind him and rolled over slowly to see Padfoot sleeping lightly. Harry coughed and the dog awoke. For a few minutes the two just looked at each other, Harry absently pet the dog.
Sirius changed back and asked softly, "How are you feeling?"
"A little confused… and, er, embarrassed," Harry answered truthfully. He didn't think to mention that his muscles ached terribly from the previous night's vision.
Sirius smiled, "You've nothing to be embarrassed about. Do you remember why you're here?"
Harry thought of where he last remembered being – in his Occlumency lesson. What had happened? Memories. Memories of that night had come back. He remembered some of what happened. He had lost it…
Harry looked down in shame and muttered, "I'm sorry."
Sirius was surprised, "Sorry for what?"
Harry looked at him incredulously, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "For losing control like that. For breaking down and generally going nutters! And all in front of Professor Snape too!"
"Harry, it's ok to lose control once in a while. If anyone deserves to, it's you. So Snape saw you, oh well. If he says anything, I'll hex him." Harry smiled at this, his godfather was so kind in such unusual ways. Sirius laughed and Harry looked at him questioningly.
"What are you laughing at?"
"It's just – Snape actually seemed concerned about you. He'll never admit it, but I bet he spent the whole afternoon thinking about that fact, completely confused!" He burst out laughing again, this time Harry joined in, albeit a little quieter. The thought of Snape over-analyzing his concern for the Boy-Who-Lived was a very humorous thought.
A while later when they'd calmed down, Sirius looked meaning fully at Harry again, and asked, "How are you doing, really?"
"Fi –" Harry started and was cut off.
"Don't say you're fine when you're not. Harry, I'm not here to judge you; I'm here to help you. If you're confused or scared or sad or anything, you can tell me. I can't promise to have all the answers, but I'll listen to all the questions you have and do my best. Now, do you want to talk about anything?"
Harry thought for a while, but couldn't think of anything to say. Finally, he got frustrated and said, "I don't know how to do this . I've never really told anyone what goes on in my head before. What am I supposed to talk about?"
"Well, shall we start with that night at the Ministry?" Harry flinched. "You've got to talk about it, Harry. It's not going to go away. You told me what happened when we were at Remus's, but you didn't say much about how you feel about it now. I'm alive and with you. Please, tell me something of how you feel about all of this." Sirius was rubbing Harry's back comfortingly. Harry decided to risk a little and tell Sirius how he had been feeling.
"Have you ever felt like you were maybe going crazy? Like really, truly insane?" Sirius smirked wryly at him. "Oh, right, sorry. Anyway, sometimes I'm not too sure that I'm not, you know, a little nutters. Sometimes I have these dreams where you died, but never came back, but I think you did. It's like there are two separate worlds, but only one of me. I know you're alive, but in there you aren't. Then I'm never quite sure which is the real world anymore. What if this is really the dream and the other is real? What if you are dead and everyone is right that I'm imagining talking to you? What if it's all a big dream or illusion or something?" Harry asked in desperation.
His godfather looked at him seriously and answered, "What if it is? Would it matter? If this whole life was just a dream, would it matter how you lived, or what you did? No, it wouldn't. But if this life is real, it means everything. Anyone can give up if they don't' think what they do really matters. Harry, I'm not sure how to convince you this is real. I know I've said it before, but you can come talk tom e anytime about anything. And if it's me you're confused about, you can talk to Remus or Ron and Hermoine."
Sirius paused for a while, and when he spoke again it was quiet, but meaningful. "I know what it's like to be confused. When I got out of Azkaban, I was constantly fighting waking and sleeping nightmares. I couldn't keep things straight for a long time. I had some good days, usually when I would see you, but otherwise, I was a mess physically and mentally. After I met you and told you the truth things got better, but I still needed a lot of help. I still do. Without Remus and you I'd probably be as crazy as everyone thinks." Sirius gave a half-hearted laugh. Harry knew it was just as difficult for Sirius to share his problems as it was for Harry.
Harry smiled at his godfather. "Thanks, Sirius." The man tried to wave it off as nothing. "No, really, I mean it. I-I've been worried about telling anyone. I thought you might, you know, ship me off to St. Mungo's or something." Harry inspected his fingernails, nervous about Sirius's response.
Sirius gave him a one-armed hug and smiled, "Kid, do you think I'm qualified to commit anyone?" They both laughed.
"Thanks for talking with me and telling me all of that stuff. You probably think I'm cracked now, but if you still get confused or anything, the same goes for you; come talk to me anytime." There was a comfortable silence for a while, until Harry spoke again. "Well, I'm sure you have something better to be doing than sitting with me all day."
"Never," Sirius smiled. "But if you don't need me anymore, I should make an appearance at the meeting," he joked.
"You're missing a meeting?! Does that mean everyone knows what happened?"
"I think Dumbledore just told them you had a rough day, and I was taking care of you. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone, except Remus if you want me to, so he can help if you need it." Harry's embarrassment at feeling like a child must have shown on his face, because Sirius continued. "Hey, don't you think on it for a second. Everyone needs a little help sometimes. Remus did when he came to school hiding his lycanthropy; your father did with keeping his head and Lily; Peter did for schoolwork and protection from bullies; and I did countless times and still do. If you're sure you're ok, I'll go, but I don't have to. It's up to you, kiddo."
While Sirius's words did comfort Harry, he was still embarrassed at the situation. He told Sirius to go and said he wanted to spend some time alone. He also told Sirius that he could talk to Remus about what happened, but no one else, at least for now. He also hoped to hear details later about what happened during the attack on Remus's house. He knew it was somewhat successful, since Snape came for his lesson and wasn't in too foul of a mood. Harry felt so guilty for bringing that on his gentle werewolf friend, who didn't have much in the way of material possessions in the first place. He only hoped that Remus would let him buy back some things he'd lost in the raid.
Harry made his way to the attic with his invisibility cloak on. He'd left a note in his room saying he wanted some time alone, but he just wanted to make sure he wasn't found before he was ready. He watched out the attic window his friends playing in the backyard. He decided he would join them in a little while, when his head stopped going over everything in so much detail and his body stopped aching so much. Maybe he would have to ask for a mild pain potion. He really didn't want to keep bothering people about it, since it seemed like his fault that he didn't notice the spell in Diagon Alley. He decided to deal with it later, as he just wanted to relax after the long climb to the attic.
As he stared out at the horizon, he noticed a small black dot growing larger. It got closer and he saw that it was an owl. It was making it's way to the attic window, to him. The sight of the large black owl was unsettling for some reason, and Harry nervously untied the package and note when the owl landed on the windowsill.
***********
A/N: Hi again. I thought I'd put some lyrics to songs I listen to when I think of this story. Some lyrics are just parts of songs, some are whole, but I'll put who they are and titles, etc. You can find all of them online.
Evanescence: Going Underblurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again
i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through
so go on and scream
scream at me i'm so far away
i won't be broken again
i've got to breathe i can't keep going under
Evanescence: Whisper
Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drive me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
[CHORUS:]
Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)
I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
Queensryche: Silent Lucidity
Hush
now, don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over... or has it just begun?
There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize it and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension
I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help you see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity
[Visualize your dream]
[Record it in the present tense]
[Put it into a permanent form]
[If you persist in your efforts]
[You can achieve dream control]
[Dream control]
[How's that then, better?]
[Hug me]
If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from the pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...
I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help to see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you....
***[I listen to this all the time… I'm sort of addicted, I suppose. Listening to this song is when most of the story forms in my head. Weird? Probably. If you haven't hear it, I suggest you go find it RIGHT NOW!]