Disclaimer: ugh… see some other chapter, I don't have the energy tonight… alright, alright, I don't own. Good enough? Oh yeah, and there are lines from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (1999). If you need the full citation you shouldn't be reading this fic, or you can email me. : )
A/N: Hello all. A little quicker than last time, but not much. I hope it's alright, I'm actually pleased with the way it came out. I hope you agree. : ) I wrote pretty much all of it tonight and did partial proofing. (I hate mistakes but I'm tired and hungry and if I put this off it won't get posted for another week!)
Chapter 13: August 13th
Harry was in the middle of a very restful and dreamless sleep when he was being roused by someone. All he wanted to do was continue the blissful sleep that hadn't been absent of dreams for a long time without aid of a potion. Eventually, he heard voices.
"… give him a dreamless sleep potion?" asked an aged voice.
"No, just a mild sedative. He's waking up now, just a little slower than usual." Remus's voice is what Harry decided, and the older voice was Professor Dumbledore.
"Come on, Harry, you need to wake up for a bit, then you can go back to sleep. Ok?" Sirius requested softly.
"Mmm wake," Harry mumbled. He heard low chuckling in the room. He forced his eyes open and looked at the three older men gathered around him. Harry tried to hide a yawn from the Headmaster, thinking it rude, but he was fairly unsuccessful and earned himself another chuckle from the old wizard. "Is the meeting over?"
"Yes, it is. We've brought Albus to help with the dream spell. We filled him in on what was happening already. Was that alright?" his godfather asked carefully.
"Yeah, it's ok. What do we have to do?" Harry asked Dumbledore.
"Actually, before we start on that, could you tell me what you saw concerning the young Creevey brothers?" Dumbledore asked in a gentle voice.
Harry looked down at the bed. He didn't want to talk about that right now. He wanted to do this spell so he'd be able to get some decent sleep. He didn't think he'd be able to concentrate on that after talking about what he saw. Although, he was smart enough to know that Dumbledore wasn't going to just drop it and move on, so he tried to clear his mind and organize the memories of his last vision.
He started speaking in a monotone, like he was reading a narrative and it wasn't actually real. As long as he stayed detached from it all it wasn't so painful. He told everything from the unknown owl in the attic to running out onto the street. Then he stopped and smiled faintly. "When Lestrange brought in Colin, he just stood proud. He didn't beg or even say anything Voldemort wanted him to admit. He had complete faith in us, Professor. You and I were his greatest heroes. He told that to Voldemort's face and didn't take it back even while he was under the Cruciatus Curse. Voldemort told him… he told him that he was there because…" Harry's blank façade cracked. His voice was choked off and tears streamed unnoticed down his cheeks. Sirius put an arm around him, and Harry leaned his head on the older man's shoulder. After he'd collected himself briefly he went on. "He and Dennis were only chosen because of how they've always been fans of mine and looked up to me. Voldemort said that he wouldn't have bothered with muggle-borns like them, because they weren't any threat to him. He only took them because they knew me." Harry curled further into Sirius's robes and cried silently while staying absolutely still.
Harry had no idea how long he stayed like that or whether he remained awake or not, but when he pulled away from Sirius, he noticed that Dumbledore and Remus were gone. Sirius was still holding him like he'd done so many times in the past couple weeks. He was running his fingers through Harry's hair in a very calming manner. Harry suddenly realized that he hadn't washed his hair for quite some time and pulled away.
"Don't want to get your hands dirty, Padfoot. I need a shower like a muddy dog," Harry smirked.
Sirius laughed and replied, "Nah, as long as your hair isn't as greasy as Snape's I can handle it." He disentangled himself from Harry and the blankets that someone had thrown over them and sat on a chair next to the bed. He began stretching none too gracefully and Harry laughed when he shook his head like a wet dog.
"What are you laughing at kid?" said Sirius with a half smile.
"Oh, I was just thinking that it's obvious that your animagus form is a dog, not a cat." Harry just chuckled as Sirius tried to figure out if that was an insult or a compliment.
Harry started to get out of bed and wobbled while he stretched. He felt an arm at his back steadying him and smiled faintly. It really was nice to have people who cared, no matter what Harry thought he deserved or the danger in which it put them. Sirius wasn't going anywhere, and for better or worse, that was a comforting thought.
"Where do you think you're going?" his godfather asked as Harry made his way to the door.
"I was hoping to take a shower, or at least wash up a little," replied Harry.
Sirius looked him over and asked, "Will you be alright in there? I don't want you to fall and hurt yourself."
Harry tried not to look too horrified as he declined help. "I'll be fine. You don't need to come in there or anything… just go get something to eat or whatever for a while."
Sirius grinned, "Awe, is the boy-who-lived embarrassed to have his godfather see him without clothes? How cute. Seriously though, I used to changed your diapers, get used to it. Don't worry, I won't come in with you, but I will stick around if you need anything. Alright?"
"Ok, but I don't need any help. I'm feeling tons better," assured Harry.
"Yeah, but you haven't been standing for very long. Anyway, just promise an old man that you'll ask for help if you need it?" pleaded Sirius.
Harry sighed and ground out, "Fine, I'll call you if I need to. Now, may I please go clean myself?"
Sirius smiled again and led Harry to the bathroom, making a fuss checking if there were towels and shampoo. When he was finally satisfied he left and Harry closed the door with an irritated sigh. The sour expression on his face quickly turned to a smile. No matter how irksome the overprotective nature of his godfather became, he could never stay that way.
Harry finished drying and dressing himself in the bathroom after successfully taking a shower without help. He was trying to get his thoughts back under control before he went back to Sirius and Remus. They could always tell when something was wrong. He found his thoughts drifting while under the hot water, though, and that was never good. It was the first time he'd really been alone since the Creeveys died. The knowledge that their deaths were solely based on knowing him was finally sinking in. It had been so long since he'd touched a blade or anything sharp. Granted, he'd been injured for a few days and that was plenty pain, but it was different. He hadn't had the energy or opportunity to think of his habit before now, and it scared him how easily the feelings came back. The need for release from everything. The guilt was overwhelming. Harry stood there just staring at a spot on the wall. He couldn't move in any direction. If he left the bathroom, he'd lose his only chance to cut. But if he gave in, what would Sirius think? He knew he couldn't hide it from him. Pomfrey was still coming regularly to check for any kind of injury. She would find any cut easily, no matter where it was.
Harry looked down and saw that he had an old razor in his hand. He had no idea how it got there, but two of the drawers were open and brushes, hair ties, toothpaste, and other various items were scattered on the floor. His breathing came quick as he picked up everything and threw it back in the drawers. He still held the blade. What was he supposed to do? It was too tempting. He leaned back into the wall, but it was further away than he'd thought, and he hit the solid surface hard. The impact triggered a coughing fit, and Harry leaned over the sink. Through the haze of his coughs his mind seemed to come back from wherever it had been and he hastily dropped the razor into a drawer and slammed it shut.
He swallowed some water and steadied his breathing before gathering his things and leaving the bathroom.
Sirius was in the hall looking slightly concerned.
"Hey, kiddo, you ok? I heard you coughing in there."
"Yeah, I'm good, Sirius. I'm feeling a lot better," Harry told him. It was true. He felt like he'd accomplished something by throwing the blade away without so much as a nick. The need was still there, but not as overpowering and oppressive as it had been. He had someone to talk to. Sirius wasn't going to leave him. He already knew that secret and hadn't left him yet. Harry knew he could talk to his godfather about what had just happened, but he didn't want to right now. It was still too fresh, and his mood was rising. He didn't want to pull it down so soon.
Harry gave Sirius a one-armed hug (his bathing supplies were in the other hand) and Sirius returned it. The man seemed to know that something had happened in the short time since he'd seen his godson, but he was content to just walk back to Harry's room with him.
When they arrived Harry saw Remus and Professor Dumbledore in the room chatting quietly. He set his things down and sat on the bed, leaving the last chair for Sirius. The others stopped talking and turned to Harry.
"Erm… hi," he greeted shyly. He didn't really know why he needed to be shy around these men, they'd all seen him at his worst before.
"Good morning Mr. Potter," said Dumbledore. Harry was confused, he didn't think it was morning, although his sleep habits had been odd since everything happened. Dumbledore smiled and seemed to read his mind. "It is three fifteen in the morning, Harry. I'm afraid you'll have to get back into a normal sleep routine once you're completely healed again. Do you know why I'm here tonight?"
"Yes, sir. The dream spell, right?" said Harry nervously. He wasn't sure he could do that right now, not after what had just happened in the bathroom. He didn't know how to make Sirius see what he wanted him too and not some random dream or nightmare.
"That's correct, Harry. The spell has a simple incantation, which you must speak as you're falling asleep. This will be the difficult part. You will have to hold Sirius's hand and say "Invito Alucinor" while concentrating on bringing Sirius into your dream. Do you understand?"
Harry nodded. "Yes, but don't I need my wand?"
"No, you won't. I will perform a sleeping charm on you both, which will provide any energy needed. It is your trust that will allow the spell to work. The more you trust the person you are inviting, the better the spell will work. It would not work very well if you tried with young Mr. Malfoy, for example. Are you both ready? Sirius, you will need to lay next to Harry and hold his hand." Sirius climbed onto the bed and got comfortable, then grabbed Harry's hand loosely. "Now, Remus will tie your hands with a charmed cord. Don't worry, it doesn't need to be tight. The cord only ensures that your hands remain together so the bond isn't broken. You two should sleep the length of time you normally do each night. Harry, you might sleep longer than usual because you are still recovering, but, overall, there shouldn't be anything unusual."
Harry nodded his understanding and turned to look at Sirius, still as nervous as before the Quidditch Cup, but without the excitement.
Sirius gave him a reassuring smile and squeezed his hand gently.
Harry wanted to ask him again if he would throw Harry into St. Mungo's after seeing his insane dream, but decided against it. Instead, he tried to focus on positive thoughts, like the fact that he might get rid of those horrible dreams.
Dumbledore pointed his wand at Harry, then Sirius, repeating, "Dormito!"
Harry felt his lids beginning to droop and quickly said the spell Dumbledore had told him earlier. He didn't know if it worked or not, but didn't have time to ponder, because he was already asleep.
~~~
Harry was definitely in his dream, because he was back in the little room in the hospital. No one was around, but he could hear people outside the door. There was arguing and shouting. Finally, it was silent and the door opened.
"Sirius!" Harry cried. He got up and hugged the man for all he was worth.
"Harry." Anguish, regret, and relief all existed in that one word. "I'm so glad you're alright. Should we get you out of here now?"
Harry was confused. The two realities were mixing again and he didn't know how to react. He didn't have any doubts that this was his godfather and he was very much alive, but he didn't know if that automatically meant he wasn't crazy.
"Don't we have to wait for the doctor to release me or something? I mean, am I safe?"
"Safe from what, Harry? Listen, you brought me here. This is a dream, and we have to leave. Remember, we did a spell so I could help you get out of here?" Sirius looked worried now, and Harry didn't want to cause him to worry, but he was just so confused.
"A dream. Right. Of course it's a dream. Here you are, all alive and everything… it must be a dream. But wait, you are alive, right?"
"Yes, I am. This is only a dream, just remember that. We're really back at headquarters. Remus and Professor Dumbledore are with us."
"Remus threw me out."
"No, he didn't, Harry. That was all part of this dream. Shit." Sirius thought for a few minutes. He seemed to be lost. Then his eyes gleamed with determination again. "Ok, I've thought of an idea. I'll be right back."
Sirius left the room, and Harry curled up in a ball in the corner of his room. He didn't know what was going on. He thought he remembered something about a spell, but when he tried to focus and remember, it all slipped away. He hadn't wanted Sirius to leave, dream or not, but he did and Harry was alone.
"Sirius said he'd come back. I believe him. He doesn't lie, even if he is dead… or not. Whatever!" Harry said aloud to himself.
A few minutes later the door opened again and Sirius walked in with the doctor behind him. Harry brightened at the sight. Sirius hadn't lied. He did come back.
"Harry, are you alright?" Sirius asked after seeing him curled up in the corner.
Before Harry could answer, the doctor spoke.
"Mr. Potter, what do you think you're doing?" he asked in an angry voice.
"I-I… what do you mean doctor?" Harry asked.
"The nurses said that you've been having conversations with yourself and insisting that Mr. Black is here with you. Now, I will have to silence you if any of this foolishness continues. Is that clear?"
Harry nodded as his entire body trembled. Sirius looked furious.
"How dare you?" Sirius bellowed. He ran at the doctor aiming to smash the man into the wall. Both Harry and Sirius were shocked when he went right through him and hit the wall himself.
Harry began shaking his head and repeating, "No, no, no," over and over again. He didn't look up when Sirius called his name, he just kept shaking his head. The doctor seemed pleased for some reason, but Harry didn't care. This proved it. Sirius was either a ghost, or Harry was well and truly crazy.
He was startled when someone shook his shoulder. He looked up into his godfather's eyes and crumbled. Why was this happening? If Sirius was dead, why did Harry believe so adamantly that he was alive? And if he was alive, why didn't anyone else see him?
"Harry!" Sirius shouted in his ear. Apparently he had been trying to get his attention for a while now.
"Harry, I have a theory. Listen to me, ok? You said in your journal that you see a smiley face, right?" Harry nodded slightly, so the doctor wouldn't notice. The man was talking to him, but he was paying attention to his godfather. "Well, when I look at it, it has the Dark Mark on it." Harry turned sharply and looked into his eyes. There was no reason for Sirius to lie about something like that. "Harry, I think this is somehow one of Voldemort's tricks. Just trust me. You need to get out of here. I'll hold the door open. You need to get past him and I'll try to hold the door closed while you get out, ok? He can't hurt me in here. He can't see me. Ready?" Harry nodded. Sirius had been edging him around the corner of the room and now he was between the door and the doctor.
Sirius opened the door and yelled, "Run!" Harry took off, but wasn't quick enough. The doctor grabbed the back of his hospital robes and held fast. Harry was still pulling forward toward the door and had a sudden idea.
He suddenly jumped backwards with all the effort he had and knocked the doctor to the floor.
The doctor's coffee cup flew up and over Harry, hitting the doorframe. The cup shattered and there was a cry of despair. Harry turned to see the doctor literally melting into the floor and disappear. The people outside the room also disappeared, then the room dissolved before their eyes.
When the hospital room walls were gone, they were replaced by the stone walls of the Death Chamber in the Department of Mysteries.
"No, not again," Harry muttered. He knew this dream all too well. He looked on as everyone dueled. He saw himself with Neville and the prophecy. He watched when Dumbledore came and rounded up everyone except Sirius and Bellatrix. Finally, he watched his godfather fall through the veil again.
A comforting hand was placed on his shoulder as he watched himself struggle against Remus. He looked up into his godfather's face and saw a sad smile.
"Come on, Harry. You don't have to come here anymore. I'm alive, free, and happy. Let's go," said his Sirius.
They made their way back to the dark room with rotating walls and opened the door in front of them. The stepped out and into a graveyard.
Sirius looked at Harry in surprise. Harry closed his eyes. He didn't need to see this again either. His eyes opened on their own and he was forced to watch the entire scene again from portkey to portkey. He was shaking severely and collapsed to the ground after watching his parents shadows.
Sirius was sniffling as well. Harry couldn't look at him. He couldn't watch the pain that must have been on the man's face for his old friends.
Gently his face was lifted with a soft hand to look in the eyes of his godfather. The pain was there, even more than Harry imagined, but what shocked him was that the pain was for him. All of the love and concern Sirius felt for Harry was locked in his face. He continued to comfort Harry as he fell apart.
"This isn't supposed to be happening," Harry whispered.
"What isn't?" asked Sirius.
"You're not supposed to see all of this. It was just supposed to be the one dream, not all of this. You shouldn't have to see this."
"Harry, you're showing me for a reason. That's how the spell works. I wouldn't be able to see anything you didn't trust me to see. I'm sorry you have memories like this to relive. If I could take it all away, I would."
"I believe you," Harry responded, although he didn't think it was true. Sirius's words rang in his head and Harry was surprised that, yes, he did believe his words. He knew that Sirius would take away any hurt if he could. Harry would do the same for him. Was that love?
The graveyard faded away. They were surrounded by darkness.
"Is it over?" Harry asked.
Before Sirius could answer, they heard shouting surrounding them.
"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off -"
The sounds of someone stumbling from a room – a door bursting open – a cackle of high-pitched laughter –
"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please – I'll do anything -"
"Stand aside, you silly girl. Stand aside, now!"
"Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead –
"Not Harry! Please… have mercy… have mercy…"
Shrill laughter, and a shout of, "Avada Kedavra!"
Bright green light overtook the darkness and Harry and Sirius fell in a pile on freshly cut grass.
They were both shaking now. Sirius was white as the clouds overhead and had tears streaming down his face. Harry couldn't catch his breath. Somewhere in his mind he recognized it as hyperventilating, but he wasn't concerned with that right now. He wanted to know where they were and what they would see next, but he really just wanted to give up and not see anymore. He didn't want to relive his entire life, but he didn't know how to stop the spell.
"Are you ok, Sirius?" he asked tentatively. He had no idea how hard that last memory must have been on his godfather. To hear your best friend and his wife murdered by a lunatic…
"I'll be ok… it was just a shock I guess. I didn't know you remembered that… Are you ok?" he asked while hugging Harry tightly.
"Yeah… I didn't ever remember that until I encountered dementors… erm, that's what I hear around them… I used to dream about the green light when I was little. I knew it had something to do with their death, but I didn't know how. Anyway, I don't know what we're doing here." Harry realized they were at Privet Drive.
Sirius looked at him cautiously. "What happened here?" he asked nervously.
Harry didn't answer. He didn't know what they were about to see, but he didn't have a very good feeling about it.
They saw a tiny boy with messy black hair run by being chased by a fat blond boy and several other bigger boys. The small boy climbed a tree so he was out of reach of the others. They retaliated by pelting him with small rocks and sticks.
"Dinky-duddy-dums! Why don't you and your little friends come have some treats! I don't want you to waste away out there with all the energy you're using."
"Ok, mum," the fat boy called. He turned to the small boy in the tree and smiled nastily. "We'll see you later, Potter."
Harry and Sirius watched as the younger Harry climbed out of the tree. The could see that he was about five years old and this didn't seem to be an odd activity at all.
Aunt Petunia was waiting outside the door for all the boys to come in, and Harry approached her.
"May I have a snack too, Aunt Petunia?" he asked politely.
"Why would I waste perfectly good food on a little waste of space like you? Get back to weeding the garden or you'll have no supper tonight," the horse-faced woman snapped.
"Yes, Aunt Petunia," the small boy said quietly.
A large beefy man came around from the back of the house.
"Boy!" Uncle Vernon shouted. "Get over here. I refuse to waste my Saturdays mowing the lawn anymore. You'll learn and do it from now on."
"But, Uncle Vernon, I can't reach the handle," pointed out the tiny Harry.
"I've added one halfway down. Are you trying to get out of your chores boy? You are a bad child. Do I need to punish you?" he asked menacingly.
"No, Uncle Vernon, I'll mow the lawn."
"Stupid boy, I've just done it. You'll do it next time. For wasting my time, no supper tonight. As soon as you're done with your aunt's weeding you'll go to your cupboard and stay there until I say. Is that clear?"
"Yes, Uncle Vernon. Uncle Vernon, why doesn't Dudley have chores?" Harry asked innocently.
"Because his parents love him," was the short reply.
"Did my parent love me?" he asked curiously.
"What did I say about asking questions?"
"No asking questions," he said sadly.
"That's right, you worthless disgusting freak. You're parents are dead and we have to put up with you and your unnaturalness. No one will ever love you. You are a useless burden. Enough talking, get in your cupboard."
"But I didn't finish weeding," Harry pointed out.
"Whose fault is that, boy? Get!" Vernon shouted as he wrenched Harry by the arm into the house.
The older Harry and Sirius followed them into the house and to the cupboard. Little five-year-old Harry went inside, they followed, and Vernon locked the door. Harry didn't know what to do. He didn't want to be in this dream anymore. He chanced a look at Sirius, who he had been avoiding through the entire scene so far.
The rage on Sirius face could have given a dragon the chills.
Harry didn't know what made him do it be he pictured a large hammer and it appeared in his hands. He started banging on the cupboard door. He ripped it to shreds, and there were splinters of wood all over the floor. When all traces of the door were gone he wearily slumped to the ground.
When he looked at the spot where the door had been, he didn't see the house beyond the cupboard that he had lived in for ten years of his life. Instead, he saw his bedroom at Grimmauld Place. He was still holding Sirius's hand, so he tugged on it and they crawled through.
~~~
Harry and Sirius opened their eyes at the same time and took in their surroundings. Thankfully, they were awake and back where they started.
"Good morning," greeted Remus. He leaned over and untied the cord that had bound their hands for the night.
"Morning, Remus," responded Harry.
Sirius didn't say anything. He just stared at the blankets. Harry didn't want to talk. He didn't want to have whatever discussion Sirius thought they needed to have after what he saw. He just wanted to be alone and forget about everything. He got up and left the room. No one tried to stop him. He wandered the house, wondering where he should go. He wanted to be alone, but not really. He knew if he was alone, then Sirius would come and make him talk. He also know that the craving in the back of his mind would make itself known again like it had in the shower the previous night.
He followed giggling voices and came to Ginny and Hermione's room. Ron and the twins were also there.
"Harry!" they all chorused together. He smiled at them, only a little forced.
"So, what are you up to? You look much better today," commented Hermione.
Harry hadn't even realized that the pain was almost gone from all of his injuries. "I just woke up. What are you guys doing?" He felt a little silly in his pajamas, but noticed that Ron and the twins were similarly dressed.
"We're discussing new inventions for the shop," said Fred.
"We'd love your advice," added George.
"We're thinking about singing deodorant."
"It works and smells like the normal stuff,"
"but when you raise your arm it makes your armpit start singing."
"It's the perfect prank for those know-it-alls in class!"
Hermione slapped them both on the knee. "That's cruel."
"Oh, but we wouldn't let anyone do it to you Hermione," said Fred with a wink.
"Yeah, we'll put a warning label on it. "Not to be used on Hermione Granger." See, it's perfectly fine."
Harry laughed. His friends were awfully good at bringing his mood up. He really enjoyed when they didn't ask him difficult questions when he was quieter than usual. It seemed they were learning to read him better and knew when he needed to just sit and listen to all of them, but not necessarily input much to the conversation.
He took pleasure in their company until lunch, when everyone ate together. He kept avoiding the glances from Sirius and Remus. He'd accepted the fact that he would have to talk to them, but he really just didn't want to. He knew it was childish, but damn it, he never got to be the child. He always had to do the grown up thing. He felt he'd earned the right to pout for a while. Of course, after finishing those thoughts, he felt even more foolish and decided it would be better to get it out of the way. Then everything could go back to normal… or whatever normal was for him.
He excused himself from the table with a glance at Sirius who followed. He walked to his room in silence and sat on the bed. One of the blankets had a very interesting geometric pattern sewn into it.
Sirius sat down in his usual chair next to the bed. He seemed to be uncomfortable, but determined to have this little talk session.
Harry wanted to say something. He wanted to tell him that everything was fine now. He was ok. He had an alright life, except for the whole psychotic mass murderer part. He wanted to say anything to reassure his godfather that he was ok, but instead all that came out was, "I'm sick of being the patient."
Sirius looked up sharply and nodded. "I know. I'm sor-"
"It's not your fault," Harry cut in. "Nothing is your fault, so don't be sorry about it. Look, I know there was some weird stuff in that dream, but it's ok. You don't have to talk to me about it. I'm fine now. You figured out that the doctor was some sort of Voldemort influence and got me out of there. Thank you." Harry tried to make it sound final, but Sirius wasn't going for it.
"I'm glad we got that sorted out for you," Sirius said. "I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk about the other parts."
"No, I'm fine."
"Just answer some questions then. Humor me." He cleared his throat. "Did you believe your uncle?"
"About what? I've lived with him most of my life and heard lots of things."
"You know what I mean," Sirius said, clearly frustrated. He calmed himself and asked, "Did you believe him when he said that no one would love you?"
Harry stayed quiet for a long time. Of course he believed him. He was a freak, why would anyone love him? He didn't really understand the point of the question. He didn't need anyone to love him. He'd lived the last fifteen years without it, why was it important now? Ah, a nagging voice in his head said, last night you wondered if Sirius loved you, because you know that he will never leave you.
"Yeah, I guess I did. I was five, what else was I supposed to believe? He took care of me and had all the answers. Dudley was perfect, I was a freak. Dudley was loved, I wasn't. It wasn't that confusing for a five-year-old."
Sirius swallowed, "Do you still believe that?"
Harry was getting sick of this conversation. It was pointless. He didn't want to talk about any of this. What did it have to do with anything? Knowing Harry lead to death. He knew Sirius knew that, so why would he wonder if Harry believed he could be loved? It was silly. It was irrelevant. Harry was meant to kill Voldemort or die. Anyone close to him would likely die. Harry didn't think you could love someone without being close, so it seemed like a simple argument. Harry couldn't be loved, because no one could get close, because they would just get killed. The truth was that his uncle was right, he was a freak. Why didn't Sirius understand that? Harry's thoughts were slammed out of mind with two small sentences from his godfather.
"Harry, it's not true. I love you," Sirius said in a steady voice full of honesty and hope.
Harry just stared at him in confusion. It wasn't possible. Why would Sirius say something like that?
"Did you hear me? I love you, Harry. I love you like you're my own son." His voice was louder this time and more vehement.
Harry just shook his head and didn't say anything.
"I love you, Harry. You mean everything to me."
Harry kept shaking his head. He couldn't take this. He didn't know what Sirius was doing, but he didn't like it.
"Go away," Harry mumbled.
"I can't. I love you too much to leave you alone."
"Why are you saying that?" Harry practically shouted.
"Because it's true," Sirius said simply.
"It's not. It can't be true. People don't love me, they just don't. Some might think I'm some stupid hero or something, but I'm not and it's not true. But nobody is supposed to love me."
"Why not? You're kind, intelligent, funny, thoughtful, fun to be with, brave, determined-"
"I'm not!" Harry interrupted. "I'm ungrateful… worthless… just a tool – prophecy tool or house-cleaning tool… he was right, I'm just a lousy freak."
"Harry, listen to me." Sirius pulled Harry's face around so they were eye to eye. "You are loveable. I love you, Remus loves you, Ron and Hermione love you. Not to mention the rest of the Weasleys. Harry, so many people care about you for you, not for what you're supposed to be to the rest of the world. To the rest of the world I'm an escaped criminal! Granted, I've been cleared, but that doesn't mean people changed what they've thought for the last fifteen years. What matters is what you and Remus think of me. And what you need to know is that those of us lucky enough to know you love you. We love Harry, not the Boy-Who-Lived. You aren't banned from love. I don't care what that… uncle of yours said. He was cruel and blind not to see what he had in front of him. I almost feel sorry for what he'd missed out on in loving you."
Harry calmed down some, but still didn't believe Sirius's words. "You're only saying this because of what you saw."
Sirius sighed. "That's partially true, but let me tell you why. I just assumed you knew that I loved you. It never really occurred to me to say it until I saw that memory. Do you ever see Ron and Ginny say they love each other?" Harry shook his head. "Do you think that means they don't? No, they just know that they do and it's enough for them. I'm sorry I've been so ignorant about this. I always just figured you knew. It was an error in judgment. I very bad one, but I'm saying it now so everything's clear. I love you."
Harry nodded slightly. He was shivering. He didn't know if he was cold or just shaking from the effort of continuing this conversation. Sirius covered him with a warm blanket. The shaking reduced.
He looked back on the thoughts he had the previous night. Sirius was there for him and would never choose to leave. Harry was sure of that. He'd done things for Harry that not even Mrs. Weasley had. He was starting to believe the words a little more. Sirius had gone to the Ministry to save Harry. He was willing to die for him. Most convincing of all, Sirius had never lied to him. Harry knew he wouldn't lie about something this important.
He took a shuddering breath to clear his head a bit and concentrated on his feelings for Sirius. He was certain he loved him, but could he say the words? They were just little words. Yet, they held so much meaning. So much of Harry could be destroyed with those words. What if Sirius was just joking? What if it was just one of his pranks? If Harry said the words he might horrify his godfather and chase him away.
He shook his head quickly. It wasn't a joke. He wouldn't joke about this. Why was this so hard? He'd heard Ginny say it to Mrs. Weasley a few times. It just seemed to roll off her tongue. Why was it so easy? He had to do it. He had to say it. After all Sirius had done for him, he needed to tell him how he felt. He was crushed when he thought he was dead and didn't get to tell him how important he was.
He looked up and got Sirius's attention. He tried a shaky smile and gave it up. "Sirius… I-I love you…" What now?
"Harry, I'm so happy you said that. Are you sure you wanted to? I just want to make sure you were ready. If you don't think you are, it's ok, but I'm so happy you did. What do you think?" he asked uncertainly.
"I think it was the hardest thing I've ever said," he laughed with a choked off sob. Sirius gave a watery smile and nodded. "But I'm glad I did, I think… I'm sure I do… you know… love you, but it's so weird saying it. I just never thought I would… I wasn't expecting this when I fell asleep last night."
Sirius smiled. "Neither was I, but I'm glad we talked. You know, I haven't said those words very many times either. Certainly never to any of my family, nor they to me. I said it first to your dad, Remus, and-and Peter… I thought your dad was nutters when he was trying to get me to say it. I didn't know what he was thinking. I'm glad he did though. He let me wait till I was ready, but he still had a way of being insistent about it." He chuckled at the memory.
Harry smiled and yawned. He was exhausted from that discussion. He'd been in bed so much lately that he didn't want to go to sleep. He just wanted to relax for a while.
"Hey, Padfoot, want to play chess?" he asked.
"Sure, muggle or wizard?"
"Well, do you have a muggle board here?"
"Erm… not that I know of."
"Wizard chess it is," declared Harry.
A/N: Hey look, I ended a chapter without sleeping Harry! : ) Yes, I realize I'm an idiot. Someone told me this is more 'angst' than 'general.' I'd have to say I agree. When I started the story it was only going to be a little angsty… well, look who's having an angst-fest! So, I'm changing the category thingy to include angst. Oh, if you're reading this in the future (today is March 24, 2004), please review. I think it would be interesting in a couple years to get some random review email thingy about this story. Anyway, I'm done now. I need ice cream.