Chapter 13: Past and Present Collide
As Spike walked back up to the truck he whistled happily, thinking about how for once he actually stunned Buffy speechless and how he took her by complete surprise.
While Buffy, on the other hand, stood dumbstruck exactly where Spike left her after kissing her senseless. After a few moments she was finally coming to and was positive she was imagining things. So, in order to prove it to herself she slowly reached up to her lips expecting to find them covered in lip gloss and definitely not slightly swollen due to a mind numbing kiss. But, instead the were just the opposite. Completely void of gloss and indeed a bit swollen.
Once he finally approached the truck, Dawn stuck her head out the window and informed him that Buffy was still standing dumbstruck, down at the bottom of the hill where he left her moments earlier. "Oi! Slayer! Let's go!" When she didn't respond he called again, "Buffy! C'mon goldilocks we're goin' now!" Finally she looked up and acknowledged she heard him and then smiling to herself, she climbed back up the hill and into the Jeep. No sooner had she climbed back in, Dawn was already begging for the CD to be put on.
"Fine, fine." she heard Spike mumble while sliding in the CD.
"Dawn, you still have to explain how you got those lists." Buffy started, only to be shushed by Dawn as the first few notes of the first track started. "Fine, but you're so talkin' later." Buffy grumbled, then sat quietly while listening to the stereo. At first Buffy didn't remember that Out of this World was on her list, but once the first verse started…
she remembered quite well.
When we die
we go into the arms of those
that remember us
"Yeah, I know…it's just that night is still so clear in my mind. I even have scars on my knuckles that remind me of it every day."
"I've noticed." he told her quietly and then lifted up her hand and kissed her knuckles.
"Would someone please inform me back here. What happened that has to do with this song? Did I make a bad choice to use it?"
"No…that's ok Dawnie. You couldn't have known."
"Well…can one or both of you explain what happened? It must be a big deal if it's still bringing tears to both your eyes."
"I'm not exactly sure where to start Dawn. It was a confusing night." Buffy told her, her voice hitching as she spoke. "Spike, can you start please?"
"I'll try luv." He told her kissing her knuckles again. "Ok Nibblet…listen carefully, cause I'm not goin' though this again." Spike told her pausing the CD.
Dawn leaned forward in her seat and placed her elbows on the console. "Ok, listening, go on."
"The night started off well enough, most like a normal night between us. We were even havin' a right conversation, we were. Anyway, I said some bloody stupid thing and your sis here took off. Can't really says I blame her though." he told Dawn and gave Buffy's hand a little squeeze.
Buffy blushed a little then continued, "Yeah…so anyway. After leaving Spike's, I came home kinda hoping to get to spend some time with you, but you were already goin to Janice's."
"Yeah…sorry 'bout that. It's just…well…I never knew if you were gonna be home or not and so I made plans, figuring you were too busy for me." Dawn confessed.
"Yeah I know. And I'm really sorry about that. But like Spike said to me, that's in the past now. We've all moved on from there." Buffy told her sister. "Anyway, I wound up goin' to the Bronze with Xander, Anya and Willow. But that seemed pointless anyway, I still felt detached from them for what they did. I then went up to the balcony to be alone and to watch everyone. Not long after that was when Spike came over and tried to help relieve some of the tension I was having." Buffy told her, with a mischievous smile and glint in her eye towards Spike.
"Ok…Eww…Soo didn't need to think about that!" Dawn said making a face.
"I have to admit though…he did help some, but he also made other things more confusing."
"Like what?" Dawn asked, then clarified…"What did he make more confusing?"
"Yeah luv…you never told me about this part." Spike informed her.
"I thought you knew, Spike. That's why I've never told you." Buffy replied sheepishly.
"Prolly do, but just for the sake of the story please go on."
"Well…at the time, I was trying to convince myself that I was only using Spike to fill the void that I had since I was brought back. But I was seemingly fighting a loosing battle with myself and he just made that more apparent that night. I really didn't want to admit to myself that what was happening between Spike and I was an actual something, but the way he made me feel…." Buffy said trailing off, smiling…lost in her senses. "It was and still is amazing." she confessed softly with a tight squeeze of Spike's hand. "I've never felt a connection with anyone like that before him."
Dawn was slightly grossed out, but was overall impressed with her sister's admission. "Wow…really?? Not Riley or even Angel?" she asked shocked.
"The connection with Angel was different. He was my first. And then he went all grr afterwards and even after Spike helped me save the world from him, and he came back…our relationship…well…it never went any further than some heavy make-out sessions. Even when he bit me, the feeling was intense, but it was more of a life saving tactic, rather than a relationship moment. Do you understand?" Buffy asked her.
Dawn nodded in conformation. "So what about Riley? I thought you said you loved him?"
"In a way I did, but I think he was more like rebound guy. I had feelings for him, but when we were together I always felt like I had to hold back. Yeah he was strong, but…" Buffy trailed off, unsure of how to continue.
"He wasn't tough enough for Slayer Strength, so to speak." Spike finished for her.
"He was a nice guy and all, but he just didn't get the fact that I didn't need protecting from my job. Being the Slayer is something I was borne to do and I take pride in doing my job accurately. When I had to take him patrolling with me, he usually got in the way, or just slowed me down."
"Didn't he wind up getting you hurt that one time?" Dawn asked.
"Yeah…it was partly his fault. Between mom being sick and me trying to keep him safe, but outa my way at the same time, I had too much on my mind and let my defences fall. That's how I wound up hurt."
"Oh. I see. So back to the song…what does it have to do with you and Spike?"
"Well…it takes place after the gang and I left the Bronze. I went home and changed to more suitable patrolling clothes, since it had gotten colder out."
"While I went back home myself."
"What happened after that? Where's the song fit in?"
"Well…while sis here was out patrolling the other cemeteries, I myself was relaxin' at my place. I remember turning on the stereo and this song came on while I made myself a nice glass of blood." He said turning the CD back on, to start the song over.
When we die
we go into the arms of those
that remember us
We are home now
"I remember pausing, cause I knew I could hear and sense, something. As I looked toward the door, I could tell it was your sis." he said, smiling at the memory.Out of our heads"I guess it was about there that I walked up, hearing the music."
Out of our minds
Out of this world"Yeah it was. I could sense you, sweetheart. I even walked over to the door, and put my hands on it and pressed my body against it." he said, voice thick with emotion.
Out of our time"I remember standing on the opposite side of the door, right up next to it. I too, could sense him though the door. I lifted my hand to the door, as though I was lifting it to his own."
Are you drowning or waving
I just want you to save me
Should we try to get along
Just try to get along
"At this point I was still pressed up against the door, eyes closed, and breathing faster with excitement." he said, breathing heavily just recalling it.
So we move
"Then, I couldn't stand it any longer and had to have you in my arms myself." he told Buffy adoringly while squeezing her hand tightly and running his thumb against the back of it. "But, when I pulled the door open and walked out…" he hesitated, trying to get a grasp on his emotions. "There was no sign of you." he finished, frowning, unable to look at her. "I looked around and even scanned the assortment of gravestones."We change by the speed of the choices that we make
And the barriers are all self-made
"But she was no where to be seen." Spike told Dawn frowning, then sighed and reclaimed his girlfriend's hand.That's so retrograde...
"I was already across the graveyard, walking along under the trees, trying desperately not to think of him. Not that it was working though, I had even resorted to telling myself to think of or focus on anything but him."
Are you drowning or waving?
I just need you to save me
"It was then that I heard the scream from nearby, so I ran towards it. As I approached I saw a woman running, with two figures chasing her. One appeared to be wearing a robe, the other dressed in regular clothes. Next thing I know I was leaping towards the one in the robe and tackling him, but when we landed…he was gone."
"Gone? As in escaped?" asked Dawn.
"No…not escaped. Just…gone. Disappeared…poof.No more bad guy. It was really weird. One moment I was chasing them down and tackling one of them, the next moment I was alone on the ground, no one around. Not even any evidence of anyone else being there either."
Should we try to get along
Just try to get along
"Yeah that is weird." Dawn confirmed. "So what happened next?" she asked, completely engrossed in the flashback that Buffy and Spike were recalling for her.
"Umm…I'm not sure." "Spike, do you remember?" Buffy asked him worriedly.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's about the time the Rwasundi demons came out to play."
"The whosy-what demons?!" Dawn asked confusedly.
"The Rwasundi demons. They make time go all wonky." Spike explained.
"Oh, ok. Please continue. What happened next?"
"By making time go all wonky they made me, and I think Spike as well, really confused."
"Actually, pet. It was just you that was confused. I knew full well what was happening."
I am alive
I'm gonna wait 'til the trials of confusion create
"Ok…so it was just me. Anyway, I started having hallucinations and nightmare type things, that I'd rather not talk about now. I also wound up punching Spike by accident, and I was pretty sure that I had struck and killed the girl I was trying to save from the demons." Buffy told her painfully.
"Oh!" was all Dawn could think of to say.
"I got her away from there and tried to explain to her that it was an accident and it wasn't her fault that the girl was dead, but she didn't believe me. She just insisted that it was her fault. After that I gave her this big heartfelt speech about how I was gonna get her home and put her in her warm comfy bed and she was to stay there!"
"Then he told me softly that we were gonna sort it out and for me to trust him." Buffy said, turning so she could look Spike in the eyes.
"But you didn't." Dawn recalled. "I remember you coming in my room that night, Buffy. You gave me a speech about how much you loved me and always will." Dawn said, tearing up at the memory. "You also told me that you were sorry that you couldn't be like mom was, but you were trying."
"Yeah. I remember that…you asked me why I was making the confession to you and I told you about how there was an accident. In the woods. A girl...she was hurt. And that it was me who hurt someone. I told you that she wasn't ok and that I had to go to the police, but I wasn't sure what would happen."
There are times when I feel the way we're about to break
"Yeah, that's about the time that I blew up at you and accused you of not wanting to be here with me. I'm sorry." Dawn practically bawled.
"Shhh, Dawnie. It's ok now." Buffy told her, releasing Spike's hand and turning to hug her.
When there's too much to say
"Yeah Nibblet. We're all here now and with the battle scars to prove it!" Spike told her, trying to lighten the mood. It worked, both she and Buffy laughed a little at his last remark. "That's my girls." he then stated proudly. Both smiled and Buffy turned back around and rejoined her hand in Spike's.
We are home now
"So what happened at the police station? What did you tell them?" Dawn asked.
"I never told them anything. When I got there, I ran into Spike…kinda literally." He told her with a slight laugh.
"What do you mean kinda? I bloody well had to throw you to the ground to stop you from goin' in there and either makin a complete fool of yourself or worse yet, getting yourself thrown in Jail." Spike complained. "But as usual, you decided to be stubborn and got back up, insisting that you had to tell them that you killed the girl. I told you that they wouldn't believe your story of how it happened, but you just told me that you'd show her to them."
"Yeah, that was when you told me that you did what you had to do and that you took care of it." Buffy replied firmly.
"Very true, pet. Think I also told you that no one would ever find her."
To this Buffy scoffed a little. "Yeah, that turned out well. Didn't it?!"
"Like I realized that she was gonna wash up downstream half a mile from the bloody cemetery." He whined a bit. "Anyway, I also remember telling you that there was nothing to connect you to her, that it wasn't your fault and that it was an accident. It just happened. But being as persistent as you are, you refused to believe me and still insisted that nothing just happens."
Out of our heads
"It doesn't." She replied back. "Anyway, I was insistent on goin' in and telling them what happened. But, Spike still wouldn't let me. When I told him to just let me go, he told me that he couldn't. He loved me." she recalled to Dawn.
"Still do and always will, sweetness." Spike told her, leaning over to give her a quick kiss.
"I tried to tell him he didn't, but he wouldn't hear of it. Instead, he just told me again that he truly did, and although as much as he's tried not to he couldn't help it."
"It was then that we started throwing punches again. She hit me so hard, I went flying back into a couple of garbage cans, against the wall of the next building."
"Wow!" Dawn exclaimed, clearly impressed by her sister's strength.
"He didn't give up though. By the time I had turned around, he was already there. Right behind me, full vamp face too. He was pretty brassed off and claimed I was throwing my life away over this."
"Right I was! I wasn't gonna let you do that, I already told you that." Spike confirmed.
"I realize that now, Spike." she told him squeezing his hand some.Out of this time
"I tried askin' her why she was doing this to herself. Her only reply was a tearful statement."
"I told him that a girl was dead because of me. But he turned it right back around and asked me…" Buffy said, pausing to fight back the tears that were threatening to spill.
"And how many people are alive because of you? How many have you saved? One dead girl doesn't tip the scale." Spike finished for her, releasing her hand to wrap his arm around her comfortingly and giving her a one armed hug. Buffy accepted it gratefully and leaned her head on his shoulder awkwardly, due to the console separating them.
Out of this time
"He did have a point, Buffy. Katrina's death was an accident. You've saved soo many others, just one person that you couldn't have possibly saved anyway, wouldn't make that big of a difference to them." Dawn reasoned, raising her gaze upwards on the last word.
"I know that now Dawnie. Actually I realized it that night, but it wasn't till after I beat Spike so badly that I wound up hurting myself in the process…both mentally and physically." she said, mumbling the last part and looking down at her hands.
"It's over now luv. Those bloody wankers are in jail now, and they aren't coming out for a long time." Spike told her soothingly, and lifted her hand to kiss her scared knuckles.
"I don't remember if I've ever told you this, Spike, but…" Buffy started.
"But what, luv? What is it that you want to tell me?" Spike asked in anticipation.
"Just…well…never mind…it's dumb." She mumbled, unable to meet his gaze.
"Buffy, sweetheart, look at me please." Spike stated. When she complied, he told her, "Luv, whatever it is that you need to say regarding that night that you feel is so dumb, please tell me. I promise I won't think it's dumb."
Buffy sighed, but nodded in agreement to tell him. "It's just…I don't think I've ever actually said thank you for what you did for me that night." she confessed, teary eyed. "You let me take out all my hatred of myself on you and yet you still loved me and offered to take the wrap for me. I can't even begin to express how much that means." she told him, with tears now running freely down her face.
At the sight of her tears, Spike pulled over, in order to console Buffy properly. "Aww, luv. Don't cry." He told her, unlatching his belt and hers in order to draw her into a rightful hug. "I knew you were just taking your frustration out on me. I could see it in your face after you realized what you had done. You had fear and regret written all over your face. I finally understand now how scared you must have been. All I wanted to do was help you. All I've ever wanted was to make you happy. I hope you know that I will always love you and no matter what, I will always be by your side." he told her, leaning back and trying to wipe away the tears from her face.
"Aww…that's so sweet Spike. I don't ever think I've heard you talk like that." Dawn cooed from the back.
"There's a lot you haven't heard me say. And you'd do best not to repeat any this either, Nibblet."
"Will do." she replied firmly, and sat quietly for while longer, just watching as Spike hugged her sister lovingly. A few minutes later, Spike and Buffy finally released each other reluctantly. Dawn took this opportunity to speak again. "Hey guys?" she asked sweetly. Then continued when they turned to look at her, "Would you two kiss already?!"
Both laughed and Spike asked Buffy if she had a problem with her sister's suggestion. She just shook her head and told him with a smile, "Like Dawn said, would you just kiss me already!" Spike laughed a little but complied then leaned over and kissed her softly letting the passion build between them, till she had to break for air. While she caught her breath, he kissed away her remaining tears and made sure to tell her again how much he loved her. Once she'd caught her breath, she leaned in and gave him a lingering kiss and told him that they'd better get going if they were to make it to the big city at a decent time.
TBC….
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