Chapter 14: Locked Away Inside my Head
As Spike and Buffy both settled back into their seats and were buckling in, Dawn asked politely to be allowed to reach over and program in the rest of the track selections. Buffy and Spike exchanged looks and then Spike suggested that instead, they all take turns choosing a song from the list. Dawn reluctantly agreed, figuring it would be best to let them have their way. She was in enough trouble as it was. She knew she shouldn't have snooped through their things, but she only wanted to help bring them closer together.
After settling on an agreement about the CD, Spike turned back onto the highway. A few deafeningly quiet minutes of driving had passed along, while they all took in the sunshine and scenery. It was then that Buffy turned to face Spike and asked quietly, "Whose turn is it? Yours or mine?" then, off his confused look, she clarified, "The CD. Whose turn is it to pick the track?"
"Oh!" he said understanding, "I was thinking maybe mine? Even though last song was kinda both of ours, I figure we could run it in a circle, myself, you then Nibblet and then back again. Also, I think I might have an idea of what song to play next. Unless you wanna go first?"
"No…if you have an idea already, go first. It might take me a while to decide on one."
"Ok, luv. If you insist." Spike told her, then switched the CD to track 11.
As the beginning instrumentals began to play, Buffy almost immediately recognized it.
"OMG!! Isn't this Guns 'N' Roses, November Rain?! I didn't realize you liked them!! I love this song!"
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
Buffy looked at Spike, and thought to herself…How can I tell him how I feel? It's all so complicated, I'm not even quite sure what my feelings really are right now.
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
Spike risked looking over at Buffy and thought to himself… 'Nothin lasts forever?' And wasn't that the bloody awful truth? There was no such thing as forever. Didn't I learn that with Dru? A hundred plus years together and it still wasn't enough...in the end, she left me. They always did, didn't they? But Buffy…she was different, she knew how bad it hurt to be left, she wouldn't do that to him.
Oh, but wouldn't she? the demon inside him taunted, and as much as Spike wanted to deny it, the voice was right. What was he to her but a vampire? Oh, yeah, she had feelings for him, that much he knew. But she was in love with Peaches and still slammed his poofter arse on a one way trip to hell.
True, Buffy cared deeply for him, but that didn't change what they were; natural enemies, switching roles as predator and prey. It could only end bad, couldn't it? Or could there be more?
Both had defied convention for so long that, to them, anything was possible. So, if a love for him actually bloomed in Buffy, why couldn't that keep them together?
It could, the romantic in him whispered, and that's all it took to push the doubt into submission.
He and Buffy would be together for as long as they lived...and when her heart no longer beat, well, then it would be time for his candle to burn out.
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
He'd always thought that the century with Dru had been painful and yet only a few years of loving the petite girl--woman--beside him and he'd experienced pain beyond thought. It wasn't all her fault, rather the fact that what he felt for her was not the lust and violence that he'd had with Dru. Oh, he loved her, despite all her ramblings but it didn't compare to the ache just a singular thought of Buffy produced. He'd seen her at her worst and very best and regardless of her attitude towards him, he always wanted to be a better man. And going against his nature as such was what caused that soul deep ache for a soulless creature. Soulless for now, he thought wryly.
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
Everyone always leaves yet Spike is still there, NOT walking away. Buffy thought to herself, gazing at her once lover now boyfriend beside her.
If we could take the time
to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain
I hope she realizes just how much she means to me, I only wish she wouldn't hold back her feelings so much. I can see it in her eyes that she loves me, it's just a matter of her realizing that I don't intend on going anywhere, but eventually her indecision will leave me "walkin in the cold November Rain"
Oh God!, Buffy thought, He's going to change completely. I'm going to have nothing left. No defenses. No excuses. Jeez, commitment much?! But I love him…I'm realizing this now…it's just a matter of figuring out how and when to tell him.
Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
Time alone?! Haven't I spent enough time alone? Everyday I wake up alone, and spend the day among people, friends, living like any other girl, but unlike any other girl never becoming any less alone. It's time to be with someone. Be with him. I've been with him in body and mind for a while now...lots of different ways… Buffy thought, trailing off and then smiled in spite of herself, blushing profusely, and risked a longing gaze at Spike beside her. But never with my heart. I haven't really ever. Not since Angel. But I think I can again. I think I'm ready now. But I also think I still need that room and time to think some more things over before I do finally tell him.
I know I need to give her time to think about everything that's going on between us and what eventually will be. Spike thought to himself, catching Buffy's longing gaze. But I can't just leave her alone to think. I need to let her know that I'll stay by her through thick and thin, but still give her the room she needs, when she needs it.
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you
She's always had to be so strong, Spike thought, glancing at the petite blonde next to him. She had saved the world how many bloody times, finally giving her life, not for the world but for her sister and what does she get? A revocable trip back to Sunnyhell from her troubles. It wasn't bloody fair and as much as he wanted to change it, he knew he could only be there for her.
Sometimes I need some time...on my
own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
Buffy knew where she wanted to go with things but was hesitant about how fast things should go. Oh yeah, she adored Spike--dare she think, loved him even--but that didn't mean she was ready to live happily ever after. As much as she cared for him she still wanted freedom to do as she wished. It wasn't like she wanted to date other people but she wanted to…well…she wasn't sure what she wanted. But she did know that if Spike smothered her, she'd bolt. And as much as telling him that terrified her, nothing frightened her more than the thought that her cowardice could possibly ruin the best thing that ever come her way. The problem was, she wasn't exactly sure how to bring up her concerns without sending their relationship into a tailspin. She just hoped her lack of courage wouldn't cause irreparable damage to her and Spike's kindling romance.
And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
She was scared, he knew that much. With what she had to go through with that git Peaches and Soldier Boy, she was terrified that the two of them, despite what they felt, could make it work. And that was just the relationship part. Spike didn't want to think about what would happen as the years went by, because no matter how strong their love could possibly become, he couldn't save her from her own mortality.
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one
All he could do was be there for her, in every way. He could give her his entire being, give her the world but it would ultimately be up to her to make things last. Spike knew where he stood and where he would always stand; by her side. He just hoped she would decide to do the same and stand by his.
As the final chorus played , Buffy picked up the play list and searched for the perfect song for her own response. When the music faded out, she reached over and intertwined her hand with Spike's and selected track three.The beginning instrumentals began to play and Dawn leaned over to the drivers side where Spike was seated and whispered in his ear that he should pay careful attention to Buffy's song of choice because of the hidden meaning within it.
I'm tugging at my hair
I'm pulling at my clothes
I'm trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I'm staring at my feet
My checks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head
Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you...away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
Why can't you luv? If you love me why can't you say it? I don't understand, I want to believe her, I really do! But...No but's, love's to precious to play games with! Please just say the words, pet? I'm listening, tell me...Spike couldn't believe what he was hearing. He couldn't even imagine Buffy feeling that way about him. Being worthy of her love was something he could never fathom but there it was right in the song. But that's all it was, wasn't it? It was only a song. Maybe Dawn was wrong. Maybe there is no hidden meaning in it after all. Maybe this is just Dawn's way to try and bring us even closer together. Spike thought to himself as the lyrics broke off for some more instrumentals. He looked over at Buffy, who actually seemed a bit nervous and anxious, and smiled a bit.
It don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What's on my mind
If it ain't coming out
We're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care
Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah
Spike looked over at Buffy and studied her. She looked up at him for a few seconds then looked away shyly. For the first time he suddenly realized that Buffy was his girl. Every time they kissed and every time they touched seemed to be only a temporary fix. He enjoyed every moment with her but figured that it would ultimately end sooner or later and probably badly. Not one single moment that he was with her did he ever think this could possibly last. Not until now.
What's wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I've got nothing to say
Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah
Does this mean she loves me? Is that what she can't say? Or does it just mean she cares about me? Either way, I wish she'd just tell me. Please, Pet, I'm listening and I'm trying to understand.
"Hey Spike?" Dawn asked with a bit of urgency in her voice.
"Yeah bit?" He responded, coming out of his internal musings for the time being and glancing in the mirror to look at her.
"Umm...are we almost there yet?"
"Nearly, maybe a few more minutes or so. Why?"
"Cause I really gotta pee."
"Oh…" Spike laughed slightly...the tension from the song draining out of him slightly. "Only a few more minutes, Bit. Think you can hold it?"
"Yeah, but please hurry." Dawn begged, squirming in her seat.
Spike just nodded & went back to his reverie. Maybe she does mean it and maybe she doesn't, but either way, I'm going to enjoy the time we have now.
Yes I'm wishing my life away with these things I'll never say
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you...away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
These things I'll never sayDawn observed the two of them from the back seat and saw the cute little glances they had been exchanging. She had done her part in giving Spike a clue into what the song meant but now she felt that they needed some alone time.
"Stop the car!" Dawn exclaimed, startling Spike.
He jumped and abruptly turned the wheel making the car swerve.
"Bloody Hell, Nibblet! Are you trying to get us killed?"
"Sorry." Dawn apologized biting her bottom lip. "I didn't mean to freak you out but if we don't pull over so I can find a bathroom, my bladder is going to explode and it isn't going to be pretty."
Spotting a large mall, Spike pulled into the parking lot and slipped into a spot close to the door.
"Thanks. You're a life saver." Dawn said and started getting out of the car.
"Wait a second." Buffy said. "Don't you want me to go with you? That mall is gigantic. You could get lost in there."
"That's the plan." Dawn mumbled under her breath.
"What was that?" Buffy asked.
"Uh, nothing. I'll be fine, I promise. There is probably a restroom close to the door anyway. I don't need you holding my hand."
"Fine. But if you're not back in five minutes, I'm sending out a search party." Buffy said with complete seriousness in her eyes.
"Fair enough." Dawn said. "I won't be long."
They watched as Dawn ran through the door of the mall leaving them with no one to talk to but each other.