Chapter 15: Confessions of the Soul
"So…", both started at once as soon as they saw Dawn enter the mall. They laughed nervously, realizing that, for the first time all day they were truly alone at last. They stared at each other for several minutes, just savoring the others company for the time being. Soon they were both becoming nervous under the others gaze. "What ?!" they asked at the same time. "Nothing…" came their replies simultaneously and couldn't help but laugh.
"Tell you what pet, you go first."
"No, that's ok. You can go."
"No, I insist…you go."
"No, you."
They continued on this way for a couple minutes longer to which Buffy finally gave in and punched him good naturedly in the arm and told him to go first.
"But it's supposed to be ladies first. That's the polite thing to do." Spike said.
Buffy laughed and scoffed at the comment. "Since when do you do polite, Spike?"
"Since always." he replied defensively. "Just, you've never noticed before." he answered in a slightly hurt tone.
"Look Spike… " she told him, placing her hand atop of his on the console and running her thumb in soothing motions over the back of it, "I'm truly sorry about all of that. I guess it's just that I got so used to the fact that I was supposed to be looking at you as my mortal enemy, rather than my boyfriend, or even as boyfriend material, that I've over looked those things. I guess what I'm trying to say is that being an us now is going to take some getting used to."
"I understand, luv," he said and kissed her gently on the lips. "It's alright, it's not like I expected everything between us to be perfect from the get go. It's going to take some getting used to on both our parts, as well as some work too."
"I get that. Really I do, it's just, well…it's been so long since I've allowed myself to feel for anyone, or even be able to feel for anyone, especially any guy or man in my life. Then I came back from what I think was heaven, and there you were, as always Spike. You were the only person who didn't push me to feel happy or grateful, or anything really since I came back. You just let me be and understood that I needed time and space. You also made sure I didn't go off and do something stupid, either. You have always been here when I needed you to be, and even sometimes when I didn't think I did. You became my listening ear as well as my 'security blanket', so to speak. And to this I am eternally grateful. For all that you've done for me just by being there. Even when I found out that my mom had that tumor, you were there for me. You sat on the porch with me, just holding me, letting me cry, get all my emotions out. Even with Glory, you had my back all along, you made the promise to keep Dawn safe 'till the end of the world' and you've done a remarkable job so far! All that plus the many other things that have happened between us, make up all the reasons why it was you who was able to finally help me be able to feel again. Thank you."
For several minutes after her confession, Spike sat there, completely shocked that she just laid her feelings out like that to him. He wasn't exactly sure how to react to it, or what to say even. He opened his mouth several times to respond but words failed him and, for possibly the first time in his un-life, she'd left him, William The Bloody, speechless.
"Dammit Spike!!" Buffy yelled, slamming her hand on the console, startling Spike in the process. "Say something already!"
Spike, unsure of words that could even begin to express what she'd just made him feel, just leaned in and kissed her passionately, only breaking away when he sensed she needed to break for air. He watched as she took in the air his kiss had robbed her of and finally broke his silence.
"Wow, sweetheart, I'm really not sure what to say! I didn't realize you felt all that, all this time. But, thank you for everything that you've done for me, and I'm happy that I could be there for you. I've seen you at your best and worse, and yet still, I love you every day and I always will. I love you so much Buffy." Spike told her.
Buffy looked at Spike intensely for a moment, before pulling his head down to hers. She caught his lips up in a passionate, but tender kiss, pouring out all the built up emotions that his short speech had stirred in her. Soon, their tender kiss, became more intense and just sitting there making out wasn't enough anymore. They both needed and wanted more. With out a second thought, Spike managed to maneuver them both into the back where they could be more comfortable.
As they crawled into the backseat, Buffy laid down as Spike hovered above her. His lips sucked on the sweet spot on her neck that drove her absolutely crazy with lust. Her hands slipped under his T-shirt and roamed across the smooth skin of his abdomen that she was aching to touch. Moving her slightly onto her side, Spike's hand glided up the back of her thigh and squeezed the flesh of her rear, eliciting a loud moan from her in response. He ground himself into her as his other hand made his way up her shirt and over the lace that covered her breast. A small sigh of pleasure escaped her lips, while she closed her eyes to relish in the feeling of his hands on her again. Soon, Buffy began to squirm a little and attempted to back away some, while gently trying to push him from her, but Spike held her still. "Stop that." she whispered huskily.
Leaning his head away from her, he paused and studied her after she gently pushed him away. Buffy continued to look at him with lust while her eyes roamed over his face. A cocky grin appeared on Spike's face and his eyes sparkled as he looked at her. His hand once again began to roam across her upper thigh and he pulled her leg up over his hip to bring her even closer to him. Another loud gasp and moan of pleasure escaped her lips as he began to grind against her once again. Suddenly, she removed her roving hands from his cool body and brought them to his, forcing them to stop their ministrations. "Wait…Stop. Please, we have to stop." She practically begged.
Spike stopped his ministrations quickly, and moved off of Buffy and helped her to sit up. "What's wrong, pet? I thought you wanted this." he asked, confusion and annoyance tinting his voice.
"I do. God do I ever..." she said trailing off.
"Then what's the problem? Was it something I did?"
"No…no, Spike. It was nothing you did, everything you were doing was just right. I just think we should slow down." Buffy glanced down at her hands, afraid to look at the hurt she knew clouded his blue eyes. But she had to be strong and forced herself to look at him. "It's not that I don't enjoy what we usually end up doing, it's just that last time we really messed things up by jumping in too quickly. I want to do it right this time."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry, Spike. I didn't mean to lead you on like that. I wanted and still want it as much as you, but…"she paused, realizing as well as surveying their surroundings. "First off, we're in the middle of a rather large mall's parking lot, second, my little sister could be coming back at any second and lastly, like I said, I think it would be better to try to take things slower this time so we don't wind up messing things up."
"Ok…I think I get it now." Spike said, ignoring the frustration that wracked his body, but once he saw the fear in her eyes, the annoyance he'd felt dissipated. "You want to slow things down so we don't get out of hand at inappropriate times…like now for instance. That about cover it?"
"Yes, there is that, but as you well know, we didn't treat each other very well the first time around. I don't want our relationship to get like that again and I don't want it to be based solely on sex." "As mind blowing as it may be." The last part was whispered under her breath.
"Guess you heard that, huh?" she asked, blushing furiously under his intense gaze.
Spike just arched an eyebrow at her in response. "I must agree though," he told her seductively, then leaned in to whisper in her ear, "And as soon as you decide you are ready to be with me again, I'll spend all night reminding you how mind blowing it really was. I'll make you scream and shiver until you never want me to stop." His lips clamped down on her earlobe as he sucked it into his mouth, worrying it with his blunt teeth until her breathing became ragged once again and he was satisfied with her reaction.
After a few minutes of Buffy attempting to regain her composure and failing, Spike thought distance was the best way to ease the sexual tension between them. It was several more minutes before she collected herself enough to climb back up front with Spike.
"Everything ok now, sweetheart?" Spike asked her as she settled back into her seat.
"Uh, yeah, I think I'll be ok." She said as she fidgeted with the hem of her shirt, unable to look Spike in the eye.
Silence filled the truck while they both contemplated their newfound rules. Reality set in again when Spike switched the radio back on.
"Crap! Do you remember how long ago Dawn left?"
"Bloody hell…been more than your '5 minutes' I can tell you that much. You think maybe we should go look for her?"
"Guess we got a little pre-occupied, wouldn't you say?!" she teased Spike.
"Was more than a little, pet. I'm still sufferin' for it," he said and she blushed furiously when her eyes fell to his lap.
"I - I, told you I was s-sorry for that!!" she stuttered and huffed in response, thinking he wasn't taking her new rules as serious as she meant them.
"Relax gorgeous" Spike said, taking her hand in his and stroking the back with his thumb. "I was just trying to rile you up. I'm sorry." Spike then picked up her hand and placed a lingering kiss to the back of it.
"So you agree with me then?" Buffy asked hopeful.
"About taking things slow this time?" he asked, then on her nod, he continued… "You have a valid point, luv. We mucked things up royally last time and I'd rather not have a repeat performance of that."
"Good, I'm glad you understand." Buffy told him, then glanced at the radio, noticing the clock. "Well…I guess I'd better go find her. I hope she's alright."
"Eh…don't worry so much, sweetie. I'm sure she's just browsing the stores, waitin' for you. You know how the Nibblet's brain works, she is part of you, don't forget."
"Yeah I know, but she's still my little sister. I'm supposed to look after her, it's part of my job. It's getting late, I'd better get going, incase something really did happen to her."
"Alright, luv. You want me to come with?"
"No, that's alright. I think I can manage this one by myself, thanks anyway." she told him, making a move to get out of the jeep.
Just as she got the door open and was stepping out, he placed a hand on her arm causing her to stop and effectually causing her to turn around. As she turned around, hazel eyes met bright clear blue ones. God, have his eyes always been this blue?! she thought to herself as she could already feel herself getting lost in them. "Yeah, Spike?" she asked shakily.
"Just wanted to tell you be careful, it's a big place in there." Spike covered.
Buffy smiled knowingly at him and asked… "Is that all? You just wanted to tell me to be careful?"
"Well…no pet, not really." he admitted shyly.
"What is it then?"
"Well…you see, luv…I was thinking…would it be against the new rules to kiss my girlfriend g'bye?"
"No, Spike." she said, placing a gentle hand on his cheek and looking him directly in the eyes, "I think the rules would say that that's just fine."
"Good, I was hoping they'd say that." he told her, leaning in and capturing her lips in a soft, passionate kiss which left them both breathless when they reluctantly pulled away.
As Buffy rested her forehead against Spike's, she sighed contentedly. "I'd better go, you're probably right. She's most likely waiting for me."
"Let me know when you find her, luv," he said and Buffy rolled her eyes. "I mean it," he said, all levity gone from his voice. "I want you two back out here as soon as you find her."
"Ok, ok. We'll come back."
"Promise?"
"Promise! Now let me go, before she has a fit."
"Alright, luv." he said, jumping out and running around the jeep to open the door for her.
"Thanks Spike. You really are a prince." she told him, kissing him quickly and running towards the mall entrance.
TBC…
A/N: Thank you to those of you who are actually still reading this story!! I've been working my butt off on it and hope that I'm not just doing this for my own sanity. Please keep reviewing and letting me know what you think of this! Some interesting parts are still to come with in the next few chapters, so please stick with me while I work to write it all down.
Special thanks to Weeza for helping me through some tough spots, and Darryl J. for being my favorite beta. I suggest that everyone check out their stories!!
Finally…I feel that this chapter has turned out the best so far….what do you think? Don't forget to review and let me know your decisions!
PS: PLEASE help me think up names for all chapters missing titles!! I'm stuck!!