Disclaimer: The Harry Potter Universe, Characters and everything else you recognize, does not belong to me but JKR, Bloomsbury and/or Warnerbros. I'm not sure which of them, but just to be on the save side. I'm a student and have no money so don't sue.

Warnings: Rape

self-injury

teacher-student relationships

Severus Snape/Hermione Granger romantically involved (although not until later)

Does any of the below make you grimace, jump or flinch? Then please don't read on.
I'm going to be not too graphic, one because it's only R and two because even my sick mind has it's limits.
The characters might be considered slightly OOC, though it depends on how you see it. I think their actions and reactions are adjusted to the circumstances. Although Snape's probably really a bit too soft. :)

These warnings and the Disclaimer are not going to be repeated, and if you chose to read on, you should be old enough not to whine that I'm plain sick and should go to hell. Thank you very much.

/…/ - Hermione's thoughts, even though they are mostly just fragments.

-§-- 2. Beginning --§-

Hermione woke at 6 o'clock a.m. from a nightmare she had. Though she kept pretending as if she couldn't remember it, she could still see a black raven. She could still smell the sweat. She could still hear moans, screams, and cries. And she could still see the thick, red blood. Gryffindor blood.

The pictures were burned in her mind painfully.

She forced herself to forget it by telling her self it was just a nightmare and stood up.

Breakfast was uneventful. Harry and Ron didn't question her, even though they threw some concerned glances to each other over Hermione's back.

She was silent. It wasn't the first time she acted this way, but just because they were used to it, didn't mean they liked the quiet Hermione.

There wasn't anything to do about it. Even Ron couldn't figure out what it was, and HE was her ex-boyfriend.

Hermione broke up with him some days ago.

-§- Flashback -§-

"Ron…," she breathed after she dragged him into an empty class-room. "I have to tell you something."

"What is it Hermione? Something good? Something bad?" he asked curious why Hermione looked so concerned.

"I- you. Ron… I'm…," she had absolutely no idea how to tell him that. It was so difficult to explain him her situation.

"Calm down, hun, I won't bite your head off, you know?" he joked. That made the guilty feeling in Hermione's stomach only worse.

She took a deep breath and then said the words she had practiced in front of the mirror.

"Ron… I'm breaking up with you."

She said it. The very instant the words left her mouth, she wanted to take them back. It was so terrible to look into his eyes - to see all the pain in his eyes. She had never wanted to hurt him. She thought it would be better this way.

He said something. His voice was full of bitterness and sorrow.

"Why?"

He felt like the whole world would crash down on him. It took them six years to become a pair, and now, just a half year after they had this relationship, she ended it.

How could he understand?

It wasn't as if he hadn't noticed that she winced every time he hugged her lately. He felt that every time they kissed, she wasn't with him in thoughts.

But he couldn't understand why.

Hermione looked at her toes.

"Because I'm not in love with you," it should be a statement, but it sounded like a question.

Ron gulped. That was heavy.

"What about the plenty of times when you told me you loved me? Have you lied to me?" He had to force his own voice down, although he was full of anger.

"No," Hermione whispered. "It wasn't as if I don't love you. I love you, but not as my boyfriend, just as my friend. I'm not in love with you. It's a difference. And I can't lie to you any more. I'm sorry."

Ron looked as if he was going to cry, and Hermione thought it would be best to go.

As she turned towards the door, he grabbed her arm.

"Has someone been slandering me? Do you have a new boyfriend?"

Hermione shook her head. "No, it's how I told you. Ron, please."

"But… you can't… why did it take so long to see that?"

"I don't know. I had to try. Sorry."

She left. She wanted to do nothing more than to cry, but it seemed wrong, because she broke up with him.

So she just walked, and walked and walked through all of Hogwarts. When she finally reached her dormitory, she threw herself on the bed.

Hermione didn't cry. There were no tears left for Ron.

-§- End Flashback -§-

Ron was back to normal again. Everyone was surprised to see that it didn't seem to affect him too much. But he said he didn't want to destroy anything they had, and so they would just be friends again.

Only Harry knew that he kept crying at night, when he thought nobody could hear him.

Hermione thought it was unfair. He had to pay the price because she wasn't able to love him. Maybe it would be better that way.

Ron deserved so much better than her.

He needed someone who could be able to give him all the love he needed.

/Not a filthy whore like me./

Harry poked her in her ribs. "Herm? You still here?"

It took Hermione some moments to realize that he was talking to her, then she asked: "What were you on right now? Sorry, my mind drifted away…"

"No need to apologize. Wanna watch our Quidditch training?"

"No, I think I'll go off to library, do some studies…"

Her two friends sighed. Studies. Just as always.

-§-

N/A: No, the beginning is maybe not too good. But it will get better. I promise… well, can't really promise, but I really think the next chapters will get better.
Urgent need for myself and my ego: pleeeeeeeaaaaaaseeeee review!