Disclaimer: As before, still owning nothing.
Illyria, in her odd way, is becoming a form of sanctuary. Her eyes, so old and yet new, allow a new perspective for things I know so well and no longer see. She is shocking, and blunt, and overwhelmingly analytical, but I know, despite what she says, that she does feel. And it's more than simple contempt.
She thinks that she has control, and perhaps she does, as she tugs on my heart and then rips it to shreds.
"Wes, are you mad at me or something?"
Oh dear god. How could she do that to me? I had thought I had it under control, that, like I bragged, I was adapting. She was meant to be an object to me, and instead had become a being, filling the void Fred left behind.
And yet, her powers to manipulate time still existed.
It was like a burning, falling sky, and I was drowning in it, because, for a moment I had thought…
My dear Fred.
Angel is right, I am controlled; she is already manipulating me. But how does a man like me, a man who exists only as a consistent failure, do battle with a god in my girlfriend's body? I can barely see straight, and I have thoughts that leap out from the walls, flying the air streams, all whirling around and dancing in a laugh because she IS Fred. But she is also Illyria, even if that is in a form she herself cannot recognise.
But I no longer know myself, yet I accept that I am Wesley.
Dear god…Such a convoluted barrage of thoughts.
She was in here, my office, merely five minutes ago.
"Does this please you?"
My girl, my Illyria, all dressed in cold royal blue.
"You shall never please me" I murmured from behind my desk. The books were starting to take over, and their words now filled my room like they cluttered up my mind.
"Do you find this more…satisfactory?"
I glanced up, eyes dull.
"Yes" I conceded.
Cold, blank, empty silence, and the room spun itself a thousand weaves of cotton without a Jenny raising a Foot.
"You lie".
I almost lost my breath, and my limbs seized up as anger coursed through me. The heat was a furnace threading through my veins.
"Why would I lie?"
"You desire me as I was before"
"You are never to be like her again!" I yelled, then my voice dropped. "Or did I not make myself clear?"
"You lie, because you yourself do not understand"
I stood, breathing hard. "Why don't you explain it to me then?"
That head tilted again, and her eyes, bare of all but the facts she held to be true, threatened to overwhelm me.
"You are confused, because your feelings have changed. You have begun to adapt, and yet resist it"
"Illyria…" I warned. A thought I did not wish to have, flickered into life like candlelight, before extinguishing into a waving line of smoke.
"You like her as me, and me as her"
She couldn't say it, she wouldn't –
"You love us both"