A Very Sirius Christmas

Chapter III (well, most of it.)

James and Sirius sat in the den, supplied with completely tofu-free hot-chocolate. James sighed deeply, then cradled his chin in his palm. Sirius looked sideways at James for a moment. James sighed forlornly again. Sirius continued to watch him, not blinking or moving in any way. James stared down into the dark depths of his hot chocolate, then gave an even louder sigh.

'Are you alright?' Sirius asked seriously, not breaking his penetrating gaze.

'Yeah, yeah… I'm fine,' James replied, letting out a deep sigh.

'Are you sure?' Sirius persisted, still not breaking his stare.

'Yes, I suppose,' James sighed. He switched his mug into his other hand, and then cradled his face again. He continued on in this fashion for some time, resembling a forlorn, lost man in a bar. The sort that got really drunk then told wild stories of the girl who got away; you know the sort, with red noses and all.

James sighed again-

'Alright, enough already. Just stop with the sighing and the forlorn lost looks. Lily's going to be here in what, three days?' Sirius intervened.

'But… when you're in love, three days can seem like an eternity,' James sighed.

'What? Don't give me that crap. I coined that phrase with Darlene Jacobson to get her up to the astronomy tower on a school night,' Sirius reminisced, a smile playing on his face, 'Yes, as I recall that was quite a good snog.'

'I'm not talking about days, Sirius, I miss Lily,' James said in a pained voice, taking a long draft of hot chocolate.

'That doesn't make any sense, you drunken lovesick freak,' Sirius stated solemnly.

'I miss Lily,' James said forlornly, staring into his now-empty mug.

'Nonsense, you just need more hot chocolate,' Sirius comforted, draping an arm around James and steering him into the kitchen. As they entered, they heard the sounds of the twins' squeals plus the clattering of pots and pans that told Sirius someone was baking. He and James cautiously peered around the corner to make sure that his mum wasn't the one concocting a 'master-piece.' They were both relieved to see his sisters and the twins busy working together on the grand mass of chocolate that was the Black's fondest Christmas tradition. Sirius, having checked to see that his mother was no where near the vicinity, rushed into the kitchen and eagerly stuck his finger into the deep bowl, which held a sumptuous-looking brown cake batter.

'No, Sirius,' Brianna scolded, whacking his hand smartly with her wooden stirring spoon, 'you can lick the dish after we finish the cake. You're going to contaminate the bowl.'

'Lighten up, Bri,' Katherine cut in, 'Sir, you can have a bit of batter. Just don't lick your finger and put it back in the bowl, that's just gross.'

'Mmmm,' Sirius told James, cleaning off his finger with apparent relish.

'There's, ah, not any tofu in this stuff, is there?' James asked, pointing suspiciously into the bowl. The room erupted into a fit of girlish laughter-

'No, James,' Katherine, the first to recover from her fit of giggles, breathed, 'we don't let Mum help out with it anymore. You can have a taste if you like,' she added, inviting James to copy Sirius' previous action. James blushed a little, and then quickly accepted her offer.

'James, you should have known that our Christmas traditions would never have involved tofu,' Sirius explained, spitting out the last word as though it tasted bad in his mouth.

'Right,' James cleared his throat, still a bit embarrassed by the laughter shining in all the girls' eyes.

'Don't feel bad, though, James. You have every right to be suspicious of food in this house,' Katherine sympathized, giving a wry grin. The other girls vigourously nodded their heads in agreement. Then, after stirring the batter for a moment, she continued, 'Bri, the batter is a little thin, could you bring me over that sack of flour?'

'Sure,' Brianna replied, heaving the industrial sized sack off the kitchen counter and bore it towards her sister. About halfway across the room, Brianna hit her foot on one of the dog's squeak toys, which had been strewn about the house by the twins. She tottered dangerously holding the large sack. All held their breath to see if she would fall as her weight dangerously shifted back and forth.

Brianna managed to catch her self at the last moment, but a thick cloud of flour misted out of the bag, covering her dark hair in a thin layer of white.

'Hah!' Sirius gleefully pointed, 'You look like a little old woman!' Brianna glared at Sirius, then grudgingly hauled the bag the rest of the way to her eldest sister.

'You do look like an old woman,' Samantha snickered, 'just like Cestie.'

'Yeah, Bri, you're a spitting image of the old wench,' Katherine agreed, 'only… there's something missing…' she reached into the bag of flour and weighed out a handful, 'Yeah, that's it,' she concluded, swabbing the flour across Brianna's forehead, making no attempt to keep it from cascading down Brianna's front.

'I can't believe you just did that!' Brianna exclaimed in apparent disbelief. She looked down at her shirt, up at Katherine then reached into the bag of flour. As Katherine was still busy laughing, she caught a swirling mist of flour right in the face.

'Oh,' Katherine coughed, inhaling most of the flour. She said nothing more, but began to throw fistfuls of flour back in retaliation. Brianna ducked out of the way of the rapid-fire shots of flour, letting several hit Sirius.

Sirius blinked benignly, coughing a little, then turned to face James.

'D'you know what I find just extraordinary, James?' Sirius asked, his face covered in white powder, looking much like a cheaply done ghost in a bad school pageant.

'What?' James asked, confused a bit by Sirius' sudden, out-of-place question.

'This,' Sirius explained, taking a handful of flour from the counter and tossing it in a high arc towards James.

'You did not just-' James began, but didn't finish his thought, he instead scooped up as much flour as he could and flung it into Sirius' face. Soon everyone had joined in the flour fight; Samantha soon jumped onto James' back and ground the flour down into his hair. The twins ran manically around and around, throwing the flour gaily up into the air like some sort of flower girls gone mad. In fact, by the time they had all tired, the kitchen was practically indistinguishable from the snow-blanketed countryside just visible out of the window.

'Hah, hah,' James laughed tiredly, slumped against a cabinet deep in the drifts of flour, 'that was great.' He took a fistful of his jumper and tried to wipe his glasses off, then he realised that his jumper was equally covered. The exhausted group of young people, collapsed on the floor from a combination of mirth and the processes of anaerobic respiration, sat trying to collect themselves to finish baking the cake. Sirius blinked through the mist of flour and noticed a dark shape at the breakfast table, huddled over a thick book. Everything within a two-metre radius of it was eerily flour-free.

'Mel?' Sirius asked bemusedly, 'how long have you been here?'

'I've been here since before you were born,' Melanie said sarcastically, not looking up from her venerable old text.

'I wasn't asking that, Mel,' Sirius said, not understanding, 'I meant how long have you been in the kitchen today.'

'Since before you dragged your grimy, bacteria-infested finger through our perfectly good cake mix. I know you never wash your hands,' Melanie told him, still concentrating on her reading.

'So what if I don't!' Sirius cried, throwing his dirty hands up in the air. James couldn't help but snigger; he knew it was true.

'Alright,' Katherine announced, standing up and brushing herself off. She picked up her wand from where it had lain before, forgotten in the thrill of the moment. She waved it once casually and all of the flour easily disappeared. Ever since she had gotten married, Katherine put in as much effort into learning household charms as she had studying in school, especially after having the twins.

'Kate, can I pour out the batter?' Samantha asked, eyeing the pans her sister had lain out on the counter.

'That's 'may I,' and yeah, if you let Brianna help you,' Katherine told her, glad that, for once, someone else wanted to do the cooking.

'Hang on, can I (may I) have just a bit more before you cook it?' Sirius pleaded, trying to look appealing, 'in fact, why don't we just leave it raw.'

'I won't allow it!' Melanie intervened, 'you're not to put your greasy paw into the batter again. Now, put that stuff away in the oven before Sirius can get into it,' she instructed the others.

'Melanie has spoken,' Katherine muttered under her breath, picking up a cake pan and bringing it towards the oven, 'Bri, grab the other pan, would you?'

As Brianna followed Katherine to the oven, Sirius attempted to intercept her for one last taste of the chocolate concoction. Brianna shrugged him off, but he persisted.

'Aw, c'mon Bri,' he whined, 'please let me have one more bit of chocolate before you ruin it in the oven.' No sooner had the word 'chocolate' escaped Sirius' lips that the twins' faces lit up in equally devilish grins. They immediately charged the batter as a unit, knocking into the backs of Katherine's knees. Screams filled the cool air of the Black kitchen. Some were shouts of joy, filling the kitchen with triumphant shrieks of 'chocolate!' Others were more cautionary, calling out orders like, 'mind that oven door!' One cry, however, resounded above all the others.

'HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!'

It seemed that, in the midst of it all, Katherine's cake pan had gone flying across the kitchen, landing on James' front. The twins seized this opportunity to tackle him to the ground and frantically lick as much batter as was not already saturated in his jumper. Katherine, laying where she had fallen on the ground, was torn between stopping her children from eating James alive and protecting the rest of the family from the open, pre-heated oven door. In the confusion, the unbalanced Katherine had swatted Brianna, and her cake batter along with the heavy metal pan had flown up in the air to land on Sirius' face, which was quite painful as well as humiliating for him. Melanie looked up from her book to watch the fun with relish. And Sirius…

In his blinded state, Sirius had lost his balance, and fallen. Now, Sirius was used to falling. It was unavoidable when you were as, ah, boisterous as he was. But Sirius was not prepared for what happened next.

'HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!'

Sirius cried out as he landed on the pre-heated oven door, bum first. This was also painful and humiliating. It was really quite unfortunate for him, as none of the other people in the kitchen, save Melanie, were in any position to assist him. Sirius, unable to put his hands down for obvious reasons, did an awkward sort of roll to dislodge himself from the scalding metal. It did not take long for him to realise that his trousers were still smoking.

'AH! Putitout! Putitout! Put-it-OUT!'

Samantha was quite a bright and resourceful child, and she knew that to counteract something hot, she should use something cool. That's probably why Sirius felt cake batter several moments later being squished into his wounded arse.

'What the hell is wrong with you people!?' Sirius said, frightening Samantha into Melanie's lap.

'Now, everyone let's calm down a bit,' Katherine advised, pulling her rabid children off of James, 'eww, sorry about that, James.'

'Hey! Hey! I'm injured!' Sirius called out, but no one paid him any mind.

'Brianna, are you alright? You didn't get on the oven, did you? I imagine it's quite hot by now.' Katherine comforted, helping Brianna off the ground.

'I need medical attention!' Sirius yelled, getting angrier and angrier by the moment.

'James, are you alright?' Katherine asked with concern, pointedly ignoring Sirius' furious rants.

'Kate, why don't you just learn to control your hellish children!' Sirius fumed as the twins struggled free from her and began scouring the floor for any missed batter, 'what kind of a rotten mother are you anyways?!'

Even the twins stopped their sloppy eating to see how Katherine would react. Dead silence roared in the ears of all who were present in the kitchen. All wide eyes were trained on Katherine. She looked near tears. Sirius took a single look in her eyes and immediately saw the damage he had done.

'I'm sorry, Katie, I didn't mean-' Sirius fumbled.

'No, Sirius, you're right. I am a terrible mother.' She said concisely, setting down the cloth she'd been using to clean off James' glasses and striding from the room.

'Er- James, could you deal with this?' Sirius asked as an afterthought, vaguely gesturing to the ruined kitchen, before following after Katherine.

'Ergh…' James replied, looking at the disaster area, covered by chocolate goo and weeping children. Melanie looked up from her book.

'Well, I'll just leave this to you, then, shall I?' Melanie said quickly before apparating up to her room.

'I-feel-BAD!' Brianna sobbed, throwing herself into James' arms and burying her face in his chocolate-smeared jumper.

James blinked around the room at the many weeping children, then back down at the blushing and sobbing Brianna.

'Eh… there, there,' he comforted uncomfortably, awkwardly patting her on the top of her batter-saturated hair.

****

At first Sirius was not quite sure where Katherine had gotten to, but luckily, she was very loud blowing her nose into one of the couch cushions.

'Er,' Sirius cleared his throat, 'Kate?'

'G-go awahay,' she sobbed miserably into the silk pillow.

'Can I, get you anything?' He tried again, advancing towards the sofa.

'No!' Katherine wailed through the thick layers of stuffing, 'just leave me alone! You're the most cruel, callous, uncaring, insensitive, cold-hearted- ass! In the whole world.'

'Now, Katie, I think you've come off a bit hard on me. I'm not really all of those things, am I?' Sirius asked, mildly irritated at her descriptions.

'Yes you ARE!' Katherine choked, looking up from the pillow to glare at her thickheaded, numbskull, jerk of a brother.

Sirius took a few steps back, slightly repulsed by his sister's snotty, tear-stained face and puffy red eyes.

'Want a tissue?' He offered, grimacing as her tears fell unashamedly onto all of the pillows.

'Yes, but leave me alone!' Katherine buried her face in her hands once more, oblivious to the cake batter that still lingered on her clothes and skin. She turned her head slightly and saw that Sirius, contrary to her demands, had sat down ('OI, ME BUM!') next to her.

'Oh,' he said, 'well I haven't got one.'

Katherine glared.

'Well, here, have this, then,' he continued, pulling his jumper up over his head and tossing it towards Katherine. She quickly took it and loudly blew her nose.

'Yes, don't worry about that. It wasn't one of my favourite jumpers anyways,' Sirius said flatly, cringing as various filth reeked its way into his new, red Christmas jumper. He sat there quite awhile, waiting for her to say something- anything, even 'go away, Sirius.' Katherine snuffled vociferously into his sweater making a noise that sounded strangely similar to that of Cestie's dandruff-afflicted cat hacking up a hairball.

'Kate, I'm really sorry. You're not a rotten mother at all.'

'Yes, I-I am,' she whimpered.

'No-'

'Yes, Sir, you were right. I'm the worst mother in the world.'

'No, you're not. I didn't mean what I said. I was just angry…and my bum really hurt.'

'I am a rotten mother, though. I can't even control my own kids.'

'Dumbledore couldn't control your kids. Perhaps they can get out of control at times, but little kids do that. They're lots like me when I was that age… I was worse than them and I was only one kid.'

'Yeah, but- but…' Katherine dissolved into another bout of tears, silent this time, and stared blearily at something only she could see.

'You're still new at this and you'll learn. You love them and look after their well-being and that's what really matters. That's what really makes a great mum.' Sirius put a hand heavily on her shoulder and made her look at him.

'You are a great mum, Katie, really you are.' He said, sincerity oozing from his eyes at almost the same magnitude as the snot from Katherine's nose.

'Oh, Sirius, I- I-' If it was possible, she broke down into even louder hysterics than before. She fell into her younger brother's arms and burst into wet gasps.

Sirius stared down at her in alarm- surely he hadn't said anything that bad. He peered at her to make sure she hadn't cracked.

'Er, I didn't mean to upset you, Kate. Please don't be angry! I won't talk anymore if that's what you want.' While her crying was heart wrenching to him, Sirius had other motives as well. He was resigned to the fact that his once slime-free jumper was now ruined beyond repair, but he had hoped that his undershirt would stay clean.

'Oh, Sirius, I- I-' Katherine dissolved into strange hiccups, shuddering against his chest.

'Um, Kate, d'you want go talk to Mel? She is sort of a psychotic therapist-type thing, you know…' Sirius ventured, seeing whether or not this was cheering her up at all.

'No, no,' Katherine hushed him with a motion of her hand, 'it's just… it's just… oh, Sirius- that's just the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!' She then tightened her arms around him, enveloping him in a rather gooey, sticky, chocolaty hug. Sirius began to feel very uncomfortable, and decided that he either needed to escape quickly or squash this mushy sentiment for good.

'Yeah, well, I just know how to talk to women is all, don't take it personally or anything.' Sirius muttered.

'Oooh aren't you just the sweetest little baby brother anyone could ask for?' Katherine cooed, giving him noogies.

'Hey now! Stop that! You-' Sirius complained, he was about to comment on how a good mother wouldn't be behaving like that, but gracefully held his tongue for once.

'Oh my. I must look a fright!' Katherine felt her face and wiped her nose on Sirius' jumper. Sirius was about to say something to the extent of 'Yes, your face does look a fright, you should probably go and stick it in a bucket;' instead, however, he refrained from making a blunt comment once again.

'Er-' he began, backing up slightly, squinting, grimacing, and pulling a strange sort of puckering face, 'you look, um…good.'

'Balderdash,' Katherine snipped, 'flattery will get you nowhere brother, dear. I'm just going to nip upstairs to wash up a bit. Could you be sis' little helper and go check on the others in the kitchen?'

Sirius grunted in affirmation.

'Oh, Sirius, you're just a perfect little dear,' Katherine ruffled his hair as she stood up, tossed his jumper into his lap, and dashed away up the stairs.

'Little dear my arse…' Sirius muttered, holding up his stained jumper as he shuffled back into the kitchen.

Sirius could not have prepared himself for the scene that he met walking into the Blacks' kitchen.

James had managed to clean the kitchen admirably. Not a drop of chocolate batter remained on any surface, the children were as clean as if they had just stepped out of the shower into new clothes, and Sirius could smell the remaining batter baking in the repaired oven. In fact, it was a scene of perfect domestic bliss.

More than clean, the children had also stopped crying. In fact, they were cheerfully clapping and laughing.

James, who had forgotten in his cleaning to remove the flour and chocolate batter from himself, was standing in an open area of the kitchen. Brianna, Samantha, Lucy, and Louis had seated themselves round him in a semi-circle and watched with the utmost glee as he gaily juggled four wooden spoons, singing 'It's a Long Way To Tipperary,' slightly off-key.

'Well hullo Jamsie! Practicing for the circus, are we? Mind if I join in?' Sirius called from behind, having let James carry on a bit for his amusement, 'We can now add to your list of virtues 'works well with children.' Lily will be pleased.'

James immediately dropped his voice and his spoons in surprise, earning gales of laughter from the younger Black children as two of the spoons bounced noisily off of James' head in succession.

'It's not what it looks like!' James cried out in alarm, 'I was just- er- that is to say-'

'Oh?' Sirius arched an eyebrow, 'I think it's exactly what I think it looks like.'

'You must understand, Sirius, the kids were in hysterics! Brianna has a vice like grip! What would you have done in the same situation, eh?' James explained, crossing his arms and straightening his glasses.

'Want to go and do something then?' Sirius changed the subject abruptly.

'Yeah, alright. Oh! I can owl Lily!' He realized cheerily, 'Oh, but I'd better take a shower first.'

'Why do you need to take a shower before you can owl her?' Sirius asked.

'I can't owl her looking like this!' James pointed to his flour and batter encrusted hair and jumper.

'It's not like she can see you or anything, Prongs- oh, why do I even try. You know, all logic leaves your head when it comes to Lily.' Sirius held up his jumper again, 'Fine, you just go on into the shower and I'll go see if me mum'll clean this up…' Sirius wandered off calling out to his mother loudly.

****

After five minutes of pushing, pulling, furious body slams, and jiggling the handle, James was no closer to opening the door of the bathroom. Try as he might, the door simply would not open. He had tried magic-, it seemed that the door was not in fact locked by magic-guile, and brute force, but the door remained closed. It stood firm.

'Sirius!' James bellowed down the hallway, 'C'mere! You're bloody door won't open!'

'Ah! Yeah, that door is a bit tricky!' Sirius bellowed right back from the foot of the stairs, 'Give me a moment and I'll come show you the trick to it!'

'Sirius, I've been beating at the door for five minutes, come here now!' James demanded.

'My, you are demanding. I don't know how you and Lily are going to get along once you're married,' Sirius replied, abandoning his crusade for a clean jumper and slowly stomping his way up the stairs. 'Lily,' he mocked in a strange bass, 'fetch my slippers for me! Where the devil are my slippers? Get them for me now- I'm ridiculously demanding. Demand! Demand! Lily, you are too slow in bringing me my slippers! Give them to me now! I'm spoiled rotten and there are important things I must attend to! Things like… like… quidditch! And… wasting my money for no good reason! And smoking my pipe in my gold-plated smoking jacket and fez, while reclining in my gold encrusted-'

'Lily and I are not getting married yet!' James interrupted angrily.

'Yet!' Sirius called, poking James in the navel.

'Don't do that again,' James said, slapping Sirius' hand away from his navel, 'open the door!'

'Demand, demand, demand,' Sirius muttered, 'fine, fine. The things I put up with. Honestly, here I am, being a good friend and all, getting you out of trouble, and you're nothing but exploiting me.' James starred at Sirius for a moment, hoping that his condescending stare would compel Sirius to soon open the door.

'Sirius, I was really hoping that you might soon open the door,' James said in a low whisper, nodding his head at the end of his sentence.

'Oh, well you see- there's a trick to this door. It has quite an attitude problem… it depends on the time of the year usually. Well, you must perform for it or it won't open.' Sirius told him. James stood staring in disbelief at Sirius.

'Something festive ought to do it,' he explained, looking at the door in question.

****

CHAPTER 3 (along with rest of fic) TO BE CONTINUED

Ah, well, there is more to chapter three, but it hasn't been tweaked yet. Both Jess and I have been so incredibly busy, there are simply no words to describe it. Plus, Jess won't be in town for a whole month due to her romantic, month long getaway to Italy. (Lucky thing.) Since it'll be a very long time before we can get this fic going again and since you all have been so incredibly patient, not forgetting the fact that it's been over a month since our last update; I was so guilt ridden that this just had to be posted. Thank you so much for your patience in this matter! Hope you like what's been written so far. :)

A NOTICE: If you would like us to e-mail you when we update please e-mail me (Hillary) at Pillbugb@aol.com. Just put something in the subject line to clue me in that it's not spam or anything.

We have 40 reviews! Isn't that amazing? Thank you so much everyone who reviewed!

Thanks to all our multiple reviewers Kat, rock on losers (sorry your story was taken down), Julie Weasley (our most loyal fan ever? Cool.) , running-out-of-ink, Callie Anne, justnutzaboutwizards, freakyfroggurl22, Moon*Wolf, mystical dreams (You should see the looks on people's faces as we write our story. They must all think we're off our rocker!) the midnight angel, Oneiros lykos (we didn't go as far as actually sitting down and watching Rocky, as great a film as it is; we already knew the plot etc., though it took us a good long time to remember if he won the fight or not…) and Star. A special thanks to you Star who made us both practically cry while reading your chapter two review. (Hillary actually did start crying, but that's because she's very emotional about almost everything and even cried at the light-parade in Disney World, if you can believe it) We love to hear your analysis. :)

Thanks to the oldie one-time (I think) reviewers Empress Genevieve and Raspberry Lipgloss.

Finally, thanks to all our new reviewers: Céline (oh yes, we really do know someone who is very much like Cestie), Horseluva, Uglinessrox55, Carolinus Took and Crazy-chic (welcome to fan-fic crazy-chic.)

All right, one more thanks to everyone who has put us on any of your favourites lists. It really means a lot to us! :)

There! Hopefully everyone has been thanked and if we left you out, just know it was totally unintentional etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

We are very egotistical, so any reviews would be very much appreciated and loved without restraint! :)

The longer the better.

Thanks bunches!

-Hillary (and not technically) Jess

It really makes me wonder when I'm reading the reviews and so many people have commented on how they know someone like Cestie. It's quite frightening really. Check out the reviews! It's there and it's thouroughly disturbing.

-Hillary

MOMENT OF TRUTH (was formerly posted in chapter 5's slot)

I know we promised to post the little bit we hadn't posted of chapter 3, but we've both been terribly busy. After getting back from Italy Jess has been very preoccupied with the plans for her dad's wedding in Hawaii while I have been swamped with work. I'm so terribly sorry to those of you who were counting on our posting it.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE!!!!

We may or may not be posting in A Very Sirius Christmas again. Most of you have probably read the 5th book by now and know that our story is no longer canon in any way shape or form. We were considering not posting again, since the thought of being completely non-canon sent us into convulsions, but upon thinking about you all, the readers, and how you've supported our story thus far, we decided to reconsider. We will continue to post IF AND ONLY IF YOU, THE READERS, show us a real response for more chapters. If we don't get a very big response from you all then we will NOT POST ANY more. :*( SO! If you want us to continue on with this fic please e-mail us (preferably at PillbugB@aol.com) or post a review within the next two weeks or so. We will post the rest of chapter 3 after that time, but whether we will post any after that is up to you.

Thank you so much to our loyal reviewers! You know who you are :*)

-Hillary (who is all teared up at the thought of not posting) And not technically Jess.