Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related themes, ideas, characters ad other miscellaneous things pertaining to Harry Potter are not owned by Hillary or Jess. In fact, they belong to J.K. Rowling, her publishers, and Warner Brothers.

A Very Sirius Christmas

Chapter VII

Lily stared longingly at James.

James stared longingly at Lily.

Sirius stared longingly at the biscuit tray.

As Lily and James continued to stare at each other in an intimate way that would make any person feel awkward, Sirius thought about how good the biscuits might taste if his mother had used cooking oil in place of tofu. Sirius did not understand what all of the staring was about. If he had been that near a girl, there certainly would be no staring.

'James, I-' Lily began, but James cut her off by putting a single finger to her lips.

'Don't talk, you're beautiful,' he said lovingly.

'Oh brother,' Sirius said loudly, a look on his face that suggested a large amount of garbage had been shoved under his nose. Sirius had decided that 'awkward sexual tension time' should come to an end.

'You know, Hitler only had one ball. People say he had a lot of balls. No. Just the one,' Sirius commented flatly, with a knowing look.

'Lily, I'll love you forever and ever,' James said sincerely, looking deeply into Lily's green eyes, suggesting expansive Irish fields. Sirius gave a false cough to hide his derisive laughter.

'James… I think you're really good at Quidditch,' Lily said, taken slightly aback.

'Tomatoes are a really horrible fruit,' Sirius suggested. 'They are a fruit you know. They're really a bit dodgy, though. They look all nice on the outside, but you look inside a tomato and you know something has truly gone afoul.'

'Lily, I'd die for you!' James proclaimed, resting his hand on Lily's leg. Lily laughed nervously.

'James, about last night- I'm sorry you had to sleep on the floor. It really must have been awful for you,' Lily cooed, feeling a bit smothered.

'That's alright, Lily,' James said, lowering his voice somewhat. He moved his hand up to her waist and continued in a tone that clearly said 'I'm a man. I can't complain.' 'Your comfort is the most important thing to me.'

'There aren't many good songs about penguins. In fact, there aren't any songs about penguins. I can't think of one. There are plenty of songs sung by penguins. Mary Poppins had singing penguins. I think Bedknobs and Broomsticks did too. Weren't there singing penguins in it? I can't remember. Are penguins just not interesting enough to get songs written about them? I like penguins. I saw one in the zoo one time- it tripped another penguin and the stupid one fell face first in the water! It was brilliant. I'm going to write a song about penguins,' Sirius said conversationally to a vase on the coffee table.

'Sirius, do you need something?' James asked through gritted teeth. He made a 'subtle' head gesture that clearly demonstrated his desire for Sirius to leave.

'No, I'm good,' Sirius decided, propping his feet up on the table and making mooneyes at Lily.

'I would prefer it if you went away… maybe you could catch up in your War and Peace,' James suggested, looking murderously at Sirius.

'Life's tough. Get a helmet,' Sirius suggested back.

'James, don't pick on Sirius so much,' Lily chided gently.

'What?!' James spluttered.

'You're always picking at him. I wish you wouldn't.'

'What? Have you listened to the words that have been coming out of his mouth? I say words because I don't know that I'd ever call them organised thoughts. He's doing this deliberately to interrupt because he can't stand the fact that everyone's attention is not on him.'

'But everyone's attention is on me!' Sirius protested.

'I'm serious, James. Sirius just doesn't like being left out of the conversation. He's justified. You are supposed to be spending time with him, too.'

'I don't see how he could be a part of this conversation,' James began, but Sirius cut him out.

'I love you, Lily, forever and ever and forever and ever and ever,' Sirius told her, cupping his face in his hands and staring at her.

'Really?' Lily said in mock awe. 'Well, in that case I admit it: I love you forever and ever and ever, too,' Lily joked, tapping him on the nose with her index finger. Both of them erupted into fits of giggles. James crossed his arms angrily.

'So, Lily, when did you realise that you were madly in love with me? Feel free to let James go at any time,' Sirius addressed Lily with utter seriousness, putting his arm around her shoulder, much to James' vexation.

'Sirius, you know I've always liked you.'

'Yeah, but when did you decide to throw yourself at me in such a flattering way?'

James stood paused, not for the first time, looking much like Bambi's mother about to leap in front of the shotguns.

'Well,' Lily began confidentially, 'I did fancy you rather a lot for four months in third year. Then I started hanging around you more, got to know you, heard you talk.'

'Oh, so I was right. You should have said something. We could have gone out sometime,' Sirius said suavely. James made a noise like a mouse on the third rail in a tube station when the train is about to pull in. 1

'Lily doesn't like you anymore!' James told Sirius feebly.

'What, is she a lesbian now?' Sirius asked.

'What?' Lily said, not seeing the connection.

'Do you think there are any gay penguins?'

'What?' Lily and James said together.

'Well, I just figure that if they'd seen me, they'd all be gay, well, the males that is,' Sirius mused.

'Is he making sense?' James asked Lily quietly.

'I am making sense! I'm just surprised there are any straight men left, since I came around. I don't get it,' Sirius said.

'Sirius, are you trying to tell us something?' Lily asked gently.

'What? No! Hell no! I'm not gay. That's not what I'm saying. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just not. I also don't get lesbians- why? I'm here.'

'Sirius… have you ever thought that maybe there are lesbians because you're here?' Lily suggested.

'Could we please not talk about this anymore?' James petitioned.

'What, James, are you a homophobe?' Sirius asked.

'What? No. I just want- never mind,' James said sourly. What he wanted was for Lily's attention to be focused back on him for a moment.

'Don't be so close-minded, James. You need to be more accepting of people who are different from you.'

'Yeah, James, why are you so mean all the time? You're doing this deliberately to interrupt because you can't stand the fact that everyone's attention is not on you.'

'I'm NOT!' James yelled feebly.

'Oh boy, the biscuits are ready!' Sirius leaped up and ran to the kitchen. Hoping that Sirius wasn't fool enough to touch Mrs Black's cooking, Lily and James quickly followed.

Sirius ignored the nice looking neat pile of raisin biscuits and made a beeline for the back door, where his mother was standing with another tray.

'Oh boy,' Sirius said again, 'She's letting me go first this time!'

Lily eyed the tray warily, noticing biscuits cut perfectly into bone shapes.

'See, she usually only lets me have a go after the dogs are finished eating,' Sirius explained calmly, piling six or seven biscuits onto the palm of his hand.

'You're eating dog biscuits?' James smirked.

'Yeah, want some?'

'No thanks,' Lily and James murmured as he balanced one on his nose before eating it in a single bite.

'Don't worry kids, I made some granola oat raisin biscuits as well,' Mrs Black gestured kindly to the other pile of biscuits. The tofu ones.

'That's alright, thanks, not hungry.'

'No, thank you, I've already eaten.'

'I really love the dog biscuits.'

Sirius continued to perform strange acrobatic feats along with sound effects while eating the biscuits, but suddenly he was interrupted by a burst of soot from the living room hearth.

'Hey, Remus. Right on time,' Sirius said calmly, helping his friend out of the fireplace.

'Hey James, Lily,' Remus greeted the others.

'Hi Remus,' Lily said dumbly.

'Remus,' James echoed.

'What're you doing here?' Lily asked slowly, noting that James looked just as surprised as she did.

'Well, I'm not surprised that Sirius forgot to tell you, but I was always coming. Just had to spend Christmas with my parents first,' Remus explained calmly.

'I did not forget! I told them both at least ten times,' Sirius defended himself.

'Did you hear?' James asked Lily.

'No, because he never said it.'

'Biscuit?' Sirius offered one of his own biscuits to Remus.

'Sure,' Remus accepted. 'Wow, these are really good!'

Lily and James determined that it would be best not to say anything.

'Boy, I love quidditch. It's the best sport in the world!' Sirius told James.

'I love quidditch, too,' James agreed enthusiastically.

'Blah blah blah, quidditch, blah blah blah, quaffle, blah blah blah…' was more what is sounded like to Remus and Lily, who quickly and inconspicuously left the room.

After nearly an hour, Lily and Remus returned from their chat with Melanie to discover that James and Sirius were still discussing quidditch with great fervor. After another hour or two Lily had had enough.

'Enough! Don't talk about it any more!' Lily said angrily, sitting on James' lap to gain his full attention.

'Why should we?' Sirius snooted.

'Quidditch is a very interesting sport, I realise this, but it has been over two hours since you started talking about it. Remus and I are bored,' Lily explained.

'You're just bored because you have nothing to contribute. You're bad,' Sirius explained back.

'Beg pardon?' Lily said, taken aback.

'You are bad at quidditch. Unskilled. Can't play. You lack talent with a broom. You're not good players. Can't do anything worth anything. Three-toed sloths are quicker than you. You are so bad that-'

'Ok, we get the idea, Sirius, thank you,' Remus said acidly.

'How dare you?!' Lily cried out, clearly unhappy.

'Well, it's just the truth, Lily…' James said timidly.

'What?' Lily said quietly, the danger hidden in her voice was apparent to all but one.

'You know, you're just not very talented as a quidditch player. It's not really a bad thing, it's just something you're not good at,' James reasoned, ignoring Remus' frantic motions for him to cease talking.

'I'll show you talented, you wanker! Let's go, right now, you and me, outside!' Lily said determinedly, her face contorted in anger.

'Lily, Lily, Lily. Oh my little Lily flower. You don't need to prove anything to us. It's Ok, we know you're "good at quidditch." We believe you,' Sirius said suavely, patting Lily on the head. Lily slapped his arm away from her violently and yelled angrily:

'Remus and I'll take you, too! You're going down!'

'Wait, wait… I don't want-' Remus began, but three voices silenced him at once.

'No one slaps me!' Sirius informed them all helpfully.

'Lily, please don't put yourself through this. I love you, I don't want to embarrass you in front of everyone,' James tried again.

'You… you… you chauvinistic, egotistical asshole. You're so big-headed I'm surprised your broomstick can even support your weight. If you think I'll ever even kiss you again, you've got another thing coming!'

'James is in trouble,' Sirius snickered, pointing.

'You too! I'm going to kill you both,' Lily said sadistically, her eyes and hair aflame. She then backhanded Sirius for emphasis.

'Lilyflower! You have pushed me- too far. I was going to let you win, but now, oh now, it's blood I want. I'm going to wipe the ground with your face!' Sirius declared, his finger held high in the air.

'I'll see you on the pitch!' Lily growled, grabbing Remus and dragging him outdoors.

END OF CHAPTER SEVEN… or is it END OF CHAPTER EIGHT? Which is this? I don't know…

Seven. I think it's seven.

END OF CHAPTER SEVEN

A/N:

Here are messages for specific people. If you're wonderful and review you get s special answer back. Yes, that's no real incentive… You can read them if they're not for you, though you probably won't understand them. Some of them you can understand though…

There's a message for everybody at the bottom! :)

Mysticaldreams: I like that part too. I'm no great speller, well not quickly at least. Neither is Jess. In fact sometimes she sounds out words to spell them in such a way that she sounds like a mentally subnormal eight year old trying to spell antidisestablishmentarianism. Ooo! I spelled that correctly on the first try! I guess I am a great speller then. ;) I'm just kidding about Jess. She spells 'piece' accurately without thinking. I have a mental block and always spell it 'peice.' I wish I had a program that automatically translated like yours does with Latin back in the day. I'm sure I wouldn't have failed that AP course then. (I didn't fail it, but I didn't do spectacularly well either.) Hope we updated soon enough! ;)

Jess wants to know if you spelled hilarious that way for a reason. With two 'L's that is. Like other words that have them… Like HiLLary.

Hillary thinks it's just spelling skills that contributed to this.

Jess just discovered a new muscle in her leg and doesn't quite care anymore. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Carolinus Took: Of course we will continue! We love writing this story! We're just both far too incredibly busy for our own good. I'm glad we made you happy and that you found this hilarious. :)

Trashcan: Yes, this finally be updated. I'm glad you considered this comedy and not tragedy, because that's what we intended. ;)

Cajun Roque: I like your attitude Lindsey. :) I was wondering if you had stopped using 'like' out of context. I don't think I've ever used 'totally' out of context. I suppose you'll have to do that for me and put it in your next review. ;)

Thaliae: Shame anyone's a girl. We should have more Siriuses…Sirius's… I don't know how to type that. Where's Alastair when you need him? I've never a manly bonding experience. I guess that's because I'm female. Glad to know our fic can somewhat be based in reality.

LadyQueenscove: Hurrah! Someone who appreciates the subtle humour! You light up my life, LQ. Oh, don't explode with tension! It's never good to explode. One, it's uncomfortable, two it's rather messy and three…well, one and two should be enough, don't you think? ;)

Star 19: As usual, I love to get a review from you. They are always informative, interesting funny, and well written. I'm glad we brightened up your day because your reviews always do the same for me. No criticisms? I know what it's like to be incredibly critical. Maybe that's why there are none from you, I already made them. ;) That's one of my favourite parts of the whole fic. Orange chucks? Is that what their called? Doesn't sound terribly pleasing. I support the cream, cherries bananas, chocolate swirls and wafer things though. Not so sure about the pineapple. I also love reese's peanut butter cups, m&m's…erm… I'm sure there are more things. I like mint ice-cream. Again, thanks for reviewing.

Bob the Flying Squirrel: Oh! I love your name! Is there a particular reason you're named that? Do you own one or anything? Do you resemble one? Are you one? I'm so glad you like the characters! And you trade quotes! Wow you two make me so happy! Hope we updated soon enough for you. :)

Zanella: I'm glad you loved this chapter. Ah, poor James, he's such a cute sap over Lily. We tried to capture how silly most teen romances can be. Hopefully we're succeeding. I feel the same way about Sirius. He is so wonderful! sigh. If I knew him I'm sure I would think him annoying, but you just can't hate him he's so charming. The bedroom scene was lots of fun to come up with. :)

Alastair: Glad you liked the new chapter. Hope your laughter has subsided by now. We evidently found time to write more and hope you didn't look forward for nothin'. Thanks for the spelling tips. :) I was rather good at spelling back in the day. That faded away after my 8th birthday…

Running out of ink: Ah computer problems. I know them well. Mine refuses on the internet and jess'…. Well, the screen really isn't supposed to be black and grey all the time, it just does that on its own. Our favourite part is this: 'Lily, Lily, Lily. You've charmed me. Of course you can sleep in my bed. James, move over so Lily can sleep in the middle.' Sorry for quoting our own story back at you, but everyone was quoting the story at us and I wanted to participate too.

Thanks for the reviews everyone! The more we get the more we feel inclined to write, which probably explains why it's been two months since we last updated. ;)

So…