Twenty Three: Dark Weariness

The room is a plain white cube, pristine in a sterile, steely sense. I walk inside, and am rapturous to hear not one single monitor. No indifferent beeps, mechanically tracking something that deserves more tender attention, no strips of bacta-soaked bandage.

There is only a bed. And Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan, beneath a cool, cream sheet, his eyes closed against the muted glow of afternoon coming in from the small window. My Padawan, breathing in and out, in quaint, comforting harmony. The focus of my existence, asleep---

Within the confines of a hospital.

Clammy gooseflesh rises on my skin as I approach the narrow cot, and I look away, for a brief flash of time, uttering a soft curse.

It had been my aim to protect him from this very situation, and it doesn't matter that he isn't gravely injured, that his rest is voluntary and his dreams are untainted by medicinal fog. He's still here, recovering when he should be home.

I stop beside the bed and gingerly smooth a hair out of his face. "It seems I've failed miserably, my young apprentice." I murmur with a rueful, pained smile. "I wanted to shield you from harm, to sacrifice my sleep so that you could be unafraid of your own …Now here you are, pushed to exhaustion." I take wispy auburn tips between my fingers. "And I don't believe I'll ever sleep again."

His head is turned to the side, away from me, and I want to tilt it the other way, to have him hear these words…

No. He doesn't need to hear. It would only disturb him.

My hand stills.

It…already has.

I swallow, frowning, my gaze falling to his slumber-softened countenance again. Dark weariness rims his eyes.

I stand watch every night…and he's asleep…

But here he is, tired to this…extreme.

My touch falls completely away.

'The link of Master and Apprentice is symbiotic. Just as the Force fuses with the blood, they lean on one another, they intermingle, as a single mind.'

A basic definition, one that's regularly dosed to a Jedi from their earliest steps in training. Any member of the Order could provide it quickly.

But I, a seasoned Master, have let it be forsaken, have forgotten the deepest implements of the bond.

While trying desperately to save him from encroaching darkness, to preserve my heart…I have neglected his.

Oh gods I…

I rush to the communicator, eyes darting over the labeled buttons.

Psychology.

Trembling, I push down.

Gods let her be there I have to talk to her I have to talk to someone I can't take this I can't stand this there must be something else I couldn't have caused this I only want him to be safe he must understand that he's the only one who could understand why doesn't he know….

"This is Healer Meelon. I've stepped away, but if you leave…"

I strangle the scream in my throat and wheel around, my hands grasping my temples. My mind is invaded by visions, of waking to the empty room, running to the transport, seeing him wheeled out, not being able to talk to him, all the machines all the cords and swearing that it would never be allowed to happen again, everything would be different everything would be secure for him for me that we would make up for the time lost that he would never be taken again that he would never leave he would never leave me…

There's a short knock at the door.

I blink, aware all at once that I'm panting for breath, and beads of sweat have prickled my face.

I smooth out my tunic and clear my throat. "Yes?"

Meelon appears from behind the door. "Master Jinn. Master Windu told me what happened."

I nod numbly, my mind racing while my body stalls. I have to do something I can't live with this this can't be my fault I… "Ejhlon." I blurt.

She frowns. "What do you me--"

"I haven't slept since the day they brought Obi-Wan back from Ejhlon." I repeat, slower. My eyes moisten. "I-I can't."