Twenty Eight: Living, Breathing, Souls

I'm not embarrassed.

There are situations that garner chagrin, of course-spilling a drink, tripping during a duel-but this is definitely not one of those instances. This is pitched far into a different category.

I'm not embarrassed by this discovery, that my Padawan was aware of my compulsive overprotection of him. No. It goes beyond that.

By the gods, he KNEW, and carried it wordlessly within his heart for Force knows how long. I feel as though someone has just attempted to strangle me, throttling with tight, bruising fingers until I'm a breath away from death, and then, for some reason, releases me and leaves me gasping and choking and grabbing for my neck. I don't believe I'm capable of more than a sputter right now, but in another surprise twist of luck (or maybe not) I speak. "When…?"

Obi-Wan was prepared for more of a debate, I think. I'm sure he was predicting denial on my part, or at least a few more questions before a conclusion was made. His lips disappear into a fold. "I don't know. I, um, know that after I was brought back to the Temple we were more in tune with each other. And when I came home…It's difficult to determine. I knew you were keeping a close eye on me because of what happened. I guess it just took me a while to realize how worried you were. I knew you were tired. I could sense the unrest through the Force. Eventually, I couldn't escape it, and I suppose it was around then that I knew." He swallows. "And I knew, I know, why you were there. "

I place an inexplicably calm hand on his arm. "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. The months you were gone--it provided endless empty hours, and the mind can create some horrific scenarios when given that sort of time. Even after I had you back, those fears remained, ingrained so deep I couldn't let them go. I couldn't." I wait a moment, until our eyes are leveled and their energy, the unbridled, true emotion, is intertwined and purely connected. '"It wasn't enough for me to be in the next room, to have our minds open to each other. " I curl and uncurl my fingers. Force help me . "After all, I had taken precaution like that before, and it didn't stop you from being harmed. "

His eyes flicker away from mine.

I want to apologize again, drop to my knees and beg any shred of forgiveness he can grant me. I could wrap it around me, hold to it so that I can continue, knowing that at least a fraction of his heart has stayed loyal to me .

Then his focus finds me once more, and a feeble smile ghosts past my face. "I don't want to put you through this, Padawan. I don't want you to fret over the same dangers I was."

"No one is safe from harm, Master." He says quietly. "As easily as I was taken, it could've been you."

It should've been me. I'll never stop believing that.

"I'm not worried about what could happen to me. If that were so, I would turn in my saber now and spare myself the heart attack. "

A glimmer of humor, and I find a tiny spear of moisture in my eye. His jokes are always delivered in spontaneity, dry as the deserts. I had not forgotten this--I missed it dearly, but it became another sacrifice to me, in the quest for absolute security. I'm deliriously relieved that it wasn't lost. "I'm glad to hear that. It was a foreign notion to me."

I detect a small contortion of pain on his shadowed face. "You must've went through hell--all on your own."

I can't help but graze my touch along his jaw. "As did you. For countless nights, we were in the same room, but our hearts were separated. I thought that if I didn't sleep, and guarded you, you would be free of your nightmares. But it looks as though it worked oppositely. I pulled us both into a living nightmare."

"It wasn't' your fault." He responds instantly. "I allowed it to happen as much as you did. Instead of feigning sleep, I could've…I could've done something, said something. In the beginning, it was comforting to have you close. I was--completely--alone when I was imprisoned, and having another living, breathing soul nearby was what I needed for a long time.

"But I," He exhales with obvious difficulty, "I felt like I couldn't…heal…if you were still in the same stage, needing to protect me in the same way. It was confining." He cards a hand through his hair. "I was…I was angry. I was frustrated that things weren't changing.

"But I knew I was damn lucky just to be home, to even be in your presence again. So I went along with what you wanted. Part of me wanted it too, I think."

I nod. "I didn't leave you alone when you were in the healers. I stayed with you, and that's where…" I cough into my hand. "That's where the interdependence began. And may be why you never voiced your concerns."

"I needed you then." He whispers.

I squeeze his hand. "And I needed you. I needed to let the full extent of your return sink in. But I should've given you time to adjust on your own. It wouldn't have been easy--but it would've prevented so much."

His grip is strong, and his hand is warm. After the monumental chill in our lives, I don't let go.

"As you said, Master, nothing can go precisely as it should."

I narrow my eyes at his grin. "I should never underestimate your cheekiness." My tone softens. "Or your ability to heap every trouble upon yourself, even those that don't belong to you. Although I am supremely grateful that you cared enough to do that."

"With all you had to worry about, it wasn't much for me to do. It was merely complacency."

"And I never want you to withhold your feelings again, Padawan." There's a mild degree of reprimand. "You shouldn't have much trouble with that. Usually, you can debate me until we're both blue in the face."

A faint blush stirs in his pallor. "If you don't mind me saying, I prefer to debate with someone who hasn't just taken a months-long sabbatical from rest."

There's immeasurable sympathy in his eyes and in his words. "I could say the same to you." I murmur with a smile. "Obi-Wan, I'm…I'm sorry I never allowed you to talk about Ejhlon. It was incredibly selfish of me. And I'm sorry I didn't allow you to go to the Gardens--or anywhere else. I didn't mean to blow every little thing out of proportion. In my mind, little things were enormous, and had so much more weight and consequence than they did before." I brush over the bandage. "But I understand now, that by trying to prevent the little things, I'm holding you back from experiencing life." I brace his face with my hands.

"It will be gradual, but life will change for us. We'll have to be patient, and remember each other's individual perspectives, but in the end, it will happen."

Rain has descended down my apprentice's cheeks. I rub a few droplets away with my thumb, and a scant moment later, he returns the favor.