A/N: I won't be able to update for a while cause tomorrow my wrist will be operated...so I'm updating now eventhough I'm not really sure if I like this chapter.

A/N: Please review! I want at least 5 reviews! I only got 3 for the last one :(

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I feel so guilty. For doing this. I had no right to yell like that. Saying she was a bad girlfriend. I hope she doesn't believe it. If there's anything Rory isn't...it's a bad girlfriend.

I am just so scared that when she'll find out she'll run away. And I don't think I can stand that.

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Sometimes I think I'm overreacting. That maybe when she hears she won't be so shocked. That maybe...just maybe there is this tiny little chance that we'll end up together. But I know that chance is small. So I tried to postpone the moment of truth.

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But now she asked.

So now I'll have to tell her.

About my...sins.

My past.

About that nameless guy that died.

Cause of me.

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Just thinking about it makes me sad. Sad and angry. Angry at my dad who made me do this. Angry at that girl who offered me drugs the first time. Angry at things that make me remember those days all too vivid.

I try to tell myself that it isn't my fault. That I was just the victim of circumstances. That I didn't know...

But I'm lying to myself. I did know. I knew ratpoison could kill you and I still sold it as drugs to have more drugs for my own need. Ofcourse I didn't mean to kill him but it did. I killed a nameless homeless guy. Brown hair. Blue eyes. A beard. I still see him in my mind. I try to tell myself it didn't change me but it did. I thought I couldn't sink lower but I did.

I didn't think I could dissapoint myself anymore. But I did.

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That's a good thing right? I feel guilty over causing his death so that makes it alright again doesn't it?

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The truth is it doesn't. I knew what I was doing when I was doing it. But back then I didn't care. I needed drugs and if I couldn't get it the normal way I would have to get it another way. So I did and it killed a guy. A father. He wasn't just a drugaddict but he was a father too. Twins. Two little girls who had to miss their daddy cause I was too much of a junkie to stay away from drugs.

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I know I have to call her. Tell her everything and wait for her verdict. I'm just so scared. That she won't be able to forgive me. And I can live with myself. Not forgiving myself is one thing, but having a second person not able to forgive you is something completely different. I don't think I can handle that. I can't handle seeing her eyes getting lifeless...realizing who I really am and being dissapointed in me.

She makes me want to be the best I can. For her I'd do anything. I go to school...have a job...everything for her. I don't think I can live with the thought that I dissapoint her.

So I know I have to call her. But I can't.

A/N: Sorry! Short I know! But it's either this or no update for at least three weeks...please review!