A/N: Sorry it took so long to update but my wrist still hurts. By the way
I'm (still) depressed...which usually means my chapters are a bit
darker...but since this is already partly a dark story it should be okay...
A/N: I did the Italic thing according to ff.net but when I try to see if it works I get all kinds of weird signs... Can anybody tell me how you guys get the whole bold/italic thing working?!
A/N: Please review! It makes me happier!
**Jess's POV**
Dear Rory
My fingers were hovering above my keyboard. I never was good with words. I knew I couldn't talk to her...couldn't stand to see the dissapointment in her eyes when she would realize I wasn't saveable. So I weighed out my other options and finally decided to write her a letter. I even thought of buying her a necklace along with it, but it would seem like bribery. I didn't want to beg her to stay with me. I didn't want to be some charitycase. I didn't need saving.
There's a reason behind the way I react. I'm not just some hoodlum
treating you like crap just cause I can.
I tried to think of a way to tell her everything without her running away from me. I could make a story out of it. I knew she loved reading books. Course she would see right through my attempt at writing an "if" story but I could try right?
What if I killed a man Rory?
Would you still love me?
Would you still think of me as a good guy?
I leaned back in my chair and lit a cigarette. I hadn't smoked in ages...but sometimes the pressure would get too big. Especially lately, since everytime I was with her I had to think about my past and how it would affect me.
Would it change anything if I said I was sorry? If I said that I
regretted it? Would that change everything if you knew that I
deliberately risked someone's life? Does it even matter that I regret
it?
I knew it would matter to her. She would be glad I regretted it, but she wouldn't be able to understand why I had come to that decision. Why back then I hadn't cared if anyone lived or died.
I'm not a bad guy. At least...I don't think of myself as a bad guy. Or
a murderer for that matter. Yes I know a guy died because of me...but
it wasn't really me. I was different back then.
The cigarette had burned up while I was staring at my computerscreen. That damn cursor was blinking like it was laughing at me. It seemed to provoke me.
`Come on Mariano` it seemed to say `do it...make your girlfriend hate you...you're so weak...a year ago you wouldn't have told anybody if they threatened to kill you...and now you're admitting everything for a girl...cause you were so stupid to fall in love with her...`
Thoughts were whirling around in my head.
**just go away...you're good at running...run once more...one final
time and you'll never have to look back again**
**no I can't do it...I love Rory...**
**screw Rory...if she makes me go through this she doesn't care about
me**
**She's not making me go through it...I want to tell her**
But...do I? Do I want to tell her everything? Would I have done it if she hadn't asked me?
**No you wouldn't have. You damn well know that Mariano. You're a
screwup...why won't you admit it? You'll never be able to save this
relationship**
**So I should just destroy her life without giving her a reason?**
I knew I couldn't do that either. I had dissapeared once...for a couple of days...just cause I was fed up with my whole life. When I came back she looked so sad. That was the thing about her...she always took things personally. Whenever we argued she looked at me with those big blue eyes that told me that whatever she had done to make me angry...she was sorry for it. When most of the time it was just me being an ass.
You know...the downside of falling for you is that it makes me
vulnerable. In the old days I just would have packed up and leave.
Whenever things would get too personal I'd run. But I can't now. Cause
I love you. Cause whatever hell you'll put me through when you get
this letter...it can't be worse than losing you.
I lit another cigarette and this time I managed to inhale twice before drifting off again. Some ash fell on my hand but I didn't even feel it. Uncle Luke was calling for me from downstairs but it didn't register.
My dad died when I was sixteen. I hope you don't make a sad face and
feel sorry for me, cause frankly I couldn't care less. I just wish he
had died a lot of years earlier. Before everything started to get out
of hand.
When I thought back about those days my head used to start spinning. Memories tumbled over eachother in my head...trying to get my attention...memories of my mother screaming...my father yelling and hitting. When I was little I used to think my dad was one of those monsters mommy's used to scare their little kids with. Later on I realized that monsters weren't real. My dad was. And that was even worse.
There is a thing worse than evil people. Indifferent people. I'm sure people must have heard my mother crying...my own muffled screams when my dad decided to use the belt. But they never called the police...they just averted their gaze whenever we were walking down the street.
He used to hit me. I can't remember a single happy day in my
life...only the day he died. We were finally free...but by then, both
my mom and me had become too scarred to pick up the pieces.
I'm sure you understand that I wanted out...that I couldn't just let
my father destroy my life. The only sad thing about it is that I
managed to do it myself. What seemed a good idea back then only lead
to more suffering. It made me lose everything I still had left, even
if it wasn't much. And now...when I'm finally back on track, I'm
scared that it will still have the power to destroy. I wanted to
destroy my past but instead I sold my future.
Luke had finally managed to break down the door and stormed in. He made me work the nightshift cause I hadn't showed up for my afternoonshift. Instead of `hanging around` like he called it he would teach me some principles. Screw the principles. It's not like I hadn't had anything important to do.
"I'm going out"
"Huh"
I wiped the counter and waited for him to leave. Instead he lingered at the door, waiting for me to ask him what was wrong.
"Go on...ask..."
"I wasn't...I didn't..."
I smirked at his uncomfortable situation. It was so obvious he had wanted to ask something...and yet he was still baffled that I figured it out.
He picked up his baseballcap and put it on his head. Only to remove it two seconds later so he could root through his hair.
"I was just wondering..."
He tried to make his voice sound casual.
"If you were planning to make things up with Rory anytime soon..."
I looked at him with what I hoped was my most distant face.
"I thought we had an agreement...I work hard in school and you don't pry in my social life..."
He sighed, put his baseballcap back on and left without saying another word. As soon as he had left I closed the diner and went back upstairs. So what if people wanted food? I wanted to finish this letter before I would lose the courage to finish it at all.
I'm not sure you'd agree with me if I said what I did was the best way
out. At the time it seemed like it was. When that girl sat next to me
and showed me a folded up ten dollar note I thought she was an angel
sent from heaven. In her eyes I could see the happiness I was looking
for. So when she offered me drugs...I took them.
I don't think I have to tell you that things got out of hand. I don't
know...maybe I even wanted them to get out of hand. I did stupid
things...broke into stores...sold drugs...I guess part of me wanted
the police to catch me...so they would see how my father really was.
Even if they couldn't see the hurt he made me feel they would be able
to see a screwed up son...a failure.
Cause that's what my dad used to call me. A failure. I was everything
he didn't want me to be. I don't know how long it took me to start
believing that I was indeed a failure. I realized I had really become
a failure when he died. When he died and I couldn't find the way back.
I stared at the ceiling for a while. I even went downstairs and opened up the diner for a while. What more did I have to tell her? Did I really have to tell her that because of me a guy got killed? Wasn't this enough to process in one letter?
But I knew I had to keep writing. If not for her then for myself. Somehow it cleared the air a bit. And I knew that if I didn't send this letter to her tonight I never would. So after my shift I reached my bedroom again...more dead than living this time. I fell down in my chair and reread the letter. It was open...honest...something I hadn't been in a long time. And it felt good. Scary...but good.
I had been dealing for quite a while. I was kind of dissapointed
actually. I always thought it would be tricky but it wasn't. Or maybe
it was because I was Angelo Mariano's son that they cut me some slack.
Cause every boy does fucked up things when his father dies. Right? At
least that's what they thought.
The only problem I had was keeping my hands off the drugs. I had
become addicted to it, and staying away from it was harder than I
wanted it to be. I made good money with the drugs...but somehow it
wasn't enough. I started to use more and more...and one day I found
myself thinking about a way to get more drugs.
It was then that I came up with that brilliant idea. At least...back
then it was brilliant. I would just replace some of the drugs with
ratpoison. I would sell the drugs along with the poison to other
dealers, so nobody would be able to trace it back to me. And I'd have
more drugs.
I bought a couple of cans...planning to do this a couple of
times...and I promised myself I would stop using after every sniff I
took. But it was so easy. So tempting just to keep on going.
The first time I did it nothing happened. I mean...nobody died. That
happened the second time though. I had been sleeping in the
park...under a newspaper...I never slept at home anymore. Somehow that
morning I decided to read the newspaper.
JUNKIE KILLED
THIS MORNING, IN AN ALLEY NEAR 54TH STREET A JUNKIE WAS FOUND DEAD.
DOCTORS FOUND OUT THE CAUSE OF HIS DEATH WAS AN OVERDOSE OF RATPOISON.
I was scared Rory. Scared that somehow they'd trace it back to me.
Scared cause I should feel different...but I didn't. I didn't care
about that guy. Not even when I read that he had two kids. Rather him
than me. And then I realized...
I had become someone I despised. Someone that reminded me like my
father...I was doing the same thing. Okay so maybe I wasn't beating
people up, but I didn't care about others as long as I was happy.
I don't know if you want to know everything that happened afterwards.
In summary...I had a tearful conversation with my mother...I went to
rehab...and after that I got sent to uncle Luke and met you. You make
my life so wonderful. I know I'm not good with words, so I'd like to
finish this letter with a song, that describes the way I feel about
you. Remember, that even when you decide to break up with me after
this, the way I feel about you won't change.
~~**~~
The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep..I need to tell you...goodnight
When we're together I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue, I can't look away as we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me, marry me, promise you'll stay with me
Oh you don't have to ask me, you know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you, stay with you
Somehow I'll show you that you are my night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you
So many nights, I've cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me, I love myself
I never thought I would say that
I never thought there'd be you
~~**~~
I love you Rory.
Jess.
~~**~~
A/N: So what did you think of it?! I personally really liked this...:$
A/N: Do you think this song fitted? I had to choose between two songs...the other one was Don't Kill Me Tonight by Di-Rect...I've put it up here too so you can tell me in your review which one you liked best.
DON'T KILL ME TONIGHT – DI-RECT
When I'm on the loose
It is you who's shining through and through again
Whenever the rain comes down, the sun turns gray
When I needed you, you were always there
When it comes to you, really nothing can compare
You feel what I feel, know what I know
Even through the darkest night
You'll see what I see
There's a reason to believe in you and me
I would die if you left me
Drowning in sorrow
Baby don't kill me tonight
Would you hold on to me, girl?
And love me tomorrow
When I'm feeling blue
It is you who's reaching out for me again
Whenever I need your wings to fly away
You feel what I feel, hear what I hear
Even through the darkest night
You'll sleep when I sleep
There's a reason to believe in faith cause
Heaven sent me you
I would die if you left me
Drowning in sorrow
Baby don't kill me tonight
Would you hold on to me, girl?
And love me tomorrow
Love me tomorrow again
So if you need me, I will be near
Another thousand miles, I will be there
I will hear you, I will see through
Even through the darkness I'll be true
I would die if you left me
Drowning in sorrow
Baby don't kill me tonight
And so I wrote you these words down
For you to remember
For you to remember why
I love you
A/N: I did the Italic thing according to ff.net but when I try to see if it works I get all kinds of weird signs... Can anybody tell me how you guys get the whole bold/italic thing working?!
A/N: Please review! It makes me happier!
**Jess's POV**
Dear Rory
My fingers were hovering above my keyboard. I never was good with words. I knew I couldn't talk to her...couldn't stand to see the dissapointment in her eyes when she would realize I wasn't saveable. So I weighed out my other options and finally decided to write her a letter. I even thought of buying her a necklace along with it, but it would seem like bribery. I didn't want to beg her to stay with me. I didn't want to be some charitycase. I didn't need saving.
There's a reason behind the way I react. I'm not just some hoodlum
treating you like crap just cause I can.
I tried to think of a way to tell her everything without her running away from me. I could make a story out of it. I knew she loved reading books. Course she would see right through my attempt at writing an "if" story but I could try right?
What if I killed a man Rory?
Would you still love me?
Would you still think of me as a good guy?
I leaned back in my chair and lit a cigarette. I hadn't smoked in ages...but sometimes the pressure would get too big. Especially lately, since everytime I was with her I had to think about my past and how it would affect me.
Would it change anything if I said I was sorry? If I said that I
regretted it? Would that change everything if you knew that I
deliberately risked someone's life? Does it even matter that I regret
it?
I knew it would matter to her. She would be glad I regretted it, but she wouldn't be able to understand why I had come to that decision. Why back then I hadn't cared if anyone lived or died.
I'm not a bad guy. At least...I don't think of myself as a bad guy. Or
a murderer for that matter. Yes I know a guy died because of me...but
it wasn't really me. I was different back then.
The cigarette had burned up while I was staring at my computerscreen. That damn cursor was blinking like it was laughing at me. It seemed to provoke me.
`Come on Mariano` it seemed to say `do it...make your girlfriend hate you...you're so weak...a year ago you wouldn't have told anybody if they threatened to kill you...and now you're admitting everything for a girl...cause you were so stupid to fall in love with her...`
Thoughts were whirling around in my head.
**just go away...you're good at running...run once more...one final
time and you'll never have to look back again**
**no I can't do it...I love Rory...**
**screw Rory...if she makes me go through this she doesn't care about
me**
**She's not making me go through it...I want to tell her**
But...do I? Do I want to tell her everything? Would I have done it if she hadn't asked me?
**No you wouldn't have. You damn well know that Mariano. You're a
screwup...why won't you admit it? You'll never be able to save this
relationship**
**So I should just destroy her life without giving her a reason?**
I knew I couldn't do that either. I had dissapeared once...for a couple of days...just cause I was fed up with my whole life. When I came back she looked so sad. That was the thing about her...she always took things personally. Whenever we argued she looked at me with those big blue eyes that told me that whatever she had done to make me angry...she was sorry for it. When most of the time it was just me being an ass.
You know...the downside of falling for you is that it makes me
vulnerable. In the old days I just would have packed up and leave.
Whenever things would get too personal I'd run. But I can't now. Cause
I love you. Cause whatever hell you'll put me through when you get
this letter...it can't be worse than losing you.
I lit another cigarette and this time I managed to inhale twice before drifting off again. Some ash fell on my hand but I didn't even feel it. Uncle Luke was calling for me from downstairs but it didn't register.
My dad died when I was sixteen. I hope you don't make a sad face and
feel sorry for me, cause frankly I couldn't care less. I just wish he
had died a lot of years earlier. Before everything started to get out
of hand.
When I thought back about those days my head used to start spinning. Memories tumbled over eachother in my head...trying to get my attention...memories of my mother screaming...my father yelling and hitting. When I was little I used to think my dad was one of those monsters mommy's used to scare their little kids with. Later on I realized that monsters weren't real. My dad was. And that was even worse.
There is a thing worse than evil people. Indifferent people. I'm sure people must have heard my mother crying...my own muffled screams when my dad decided to use the belt. But they never called the police...they just averted their gaze whenever we were walking down the street.
He used to hit me. I can't remember a single happy day in my
life...only the day he died. We were finally free...but by then, both
my mom and me had become too scarred to pick up the pieces.
I'm sure you understand that I wanted out...that I couldn't just let
my father destroy my life. The only sad thing about it is that I
managed to do it myself. What seemed a good idea back then only lead
to more suffering. It made me lose everything I still had left, even
if it wasn't much. And now...when I'm finally back on track, I'm
scared that it will still have the power to destroy. I wanted to
destroy my past but instead I sold my future.
Luke had finally managed to break down the door and stormed in. He made me work the nightshift cause I hadn't showed up for my afternoonshift. Instead of `hanging around` like he called it he would teach me some principles. Screw the principles. It's not like I hadn't had anything important to do.
"I'm going out"
"Huh"
I wiped the counter and waited for him to leave. Instead he lingered at the door, waiting for me to ask him what was wrong.
"Go on...ask..."
"I wasn't...I didn't..."
I smirked at his uncomfortable situation. It was so obvious he had wanted to ask something...and yet he was still baffled that I figured it out.
He picked up his baseballcap and put it on his head. Only to remove it two seconds later so he could root through his hair.
"I was just wondering..."
He tried to make his voice sound casual.
"If you were planning to make things up with Rory anytime soon..."
I looked at him with what I hoped was my most distant face.
"I thought we had an agreement...I work hard in school and you don't pry in my social life..."
He sighed, put his baseballcap back on and left without saying another word. As soon as he had left I closed the diner and went back upstairs. So what if people wanted food? I wanted to finish this letter before I would lose the courage to finish it at all.
I'm not sure you'd agree with me if I said what I did was the best way
out. At the time it seemed like it was. When that girl sat next to me
and showed me a folded up ten dollar note I thought she was an angel
sent from heaven. In her eyes I could see the happiness I was looking
for. So when she offered me drugs...I took them.
I don't think I have to tell you that things got out of hand. I don't
know...maybe I even wanted them to get out of hand. I did stupid
things...broke into stores...sold drugs...I guess part of me wanted
the police to catch me...so they would see how my father really was.
Even if they couldn't see the hurt he made me feel they would be able
to see a screwed up son...a failure.
Cause that's what my dad used to call me. A failure. I was everything
he didn't want me to be. I don't know how long it took me to start
believing that I was indeed a failure. I realized I had really become
a failure when he died. When he died and I couldn't find the way back.
I stared at the ceiling for a while. I even went downstairs and opened up the diner for a while. What more did I have to tell her? Did I really have to tell her that because of me a guy got killed? Wasn't this enough to process in one letter?
But I knew I had to keep writing. If not for her then for myself. Somehow it cleared the air a bit. And I knew that if I didn't send this letter to her tonight I never would. So after my shift I reached my bedroom again...more dead than living this time. I fell down in my chair and reread the letter. It was open...honest...something I hadn't been in a long time. And it felt good. Scary...but good.
I had been dealing for quite a while. I was kind of dissapointed
actually. I always thought it would be tricky but it wasn't. Or maybe
it was because I was Angelo Mariano's son that they cut me some slack.
Cause every boy does fucked up things when his father dies. Right? At
least that's what they thought.
The only problem I had was keeping my hands off the drugs. I had
become addicted to it, and staying away from it was harder than I
wanted it to be. I made good money with the drugs...but somehow it
wasn't enough. I started to use more and more...and one day I found
myself thinking about a way to get more drugs.
It was then that I came up with that brilliant idea. At least...back
then it was brilliant. I would just replace some of the drugs with
ratpoison. I would sell the drugs along with the poison to other
dealers, so nobody would be able to trace it back to me. And I'd have
more drugs.
I bought a couple of cans...planning to do this a couple of
times...and I promised myself I would stop using after every sniff I
took. But it was so easy. So tempting just to keep on going.
The first time I did it nothing happened. I mean...nobody died. That
happened the second time though. I had been sleeping in the
park...under a newspaper...I never slept at home anymore. Somehow that
morning I decided to read the newspaper.
JUNKIE KILLED
THIS MORNING, IN AN ALLEY NEAR 54TH STREET A JUNKIE WAS FOUND DEAD.
DOCTORS FOUND OUT THE CAUSE OF HIS DEATH WAS AN OVERDOSE OF RATPOISON.
I was scared Rory. Scared that somehow they'd trace it back to me.
Scared cause I should feel different...but I didn't. I didn't care
about that guy. Not even when I read that he had two kids. Rather him
than me. And then I realized...
I had become someone I despised. Someone that reminded me like my
father...I was doing the same thing. Okay so maybe I wasn't beating
people up, but I didn't care about others as long as I was happy.
I don't know if you want to know everything that happened afterwards.
In summary...I had a tearful conversation with my mother...I went to
rehab...and after that I got sent to uncle Luke and met you. You make
my life so wonderful. I know I'm not good with words, so I'd like to
finish this letter with a song, that describes the way I feel about
you. Remember, that even when you decide to break up with me after
this, the way I feel about you won't change.
~~**~~
The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep..I need to tell you...goodnight
When we're together I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue, I can't look away as we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me, marry me, promise you'll stay with me
Oh you don't have to ask me, you know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you, stay with you
Somehow I'll show you that you are my night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you
So many nights, I've cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me, I love myself
I never thought I would say that
I never thought there'd be you
~~**~~
I love you Rory.
Jess.
~~**~~
A/N: So what did you think of it?! I personally really liked this...:$
A/N: Do you think this song fitted? I had to choose between two songs...the other one was Don't Kill Me Tonight by Di-Rect...I've put it up here too so you can tell me in your review which one you liked best.
DON'T KILL ME TONIGHT – DI-RECT
When I'm on the loose
It is you who's shining through and through again
Whenever the rain comes down, the sun turns gray
When I needed you, you were always there
When it comes to you, really nothing can compare
You feel what I feel, know what I know
Even through the darkest night
You'll see what I see
There's a reason to believe in you and me
I would die if you left me
Drowning in sorrow
Baby don't kill me tonight
Would you hold on to me, girl?
And love me tomorrow
When I'm feeling blue
It is you who's reaching out for me again
Whenever I need your wings to fly away
You feel what I feel, hear what I hear
Even through the darkest night
You'll sleep when I sleep
There's a reason to believe in faith cause
Heaven sent me you
I would die if you left me
Drowning in sorrow
Baby don't kill me tonight
Would you hold on to me, girl?
And love me tomorrow
Love me tomorrow again
So if you need me, I will be near
Another thousand miles, I will be there
I will hear you, I will see through
Even through the darkness I'll be true
I would die if you left me
Drowning in sorrow
Baby don't kill me tonight
And so I wrote you these words down
For you to remember
For you to remember why
I love you